Several people have commented on my blog since my dad died that I should consider getting rid of the dog I inherited from my dad, because I am under stress and depressed about this sudden turn life has taken.
I just can't make that decision. Even thought I am struggling, even though I have lost freedom and life has gotten exponentially harder. I can't do it.
He's our family. This is his house. I don't feel like I have the right to make him go live somewhere else, to send him into the unknown, because I want to have more freedom and have my life be easier.
If I can't do this for him, now, how will I ever have children???
It is hard for me to make these big decisions. Jobs, money, animals, housing, schooling, etc. I am literally petrified of making the wrong decision. And it has kept me in stasis. I just go along life going with the flow... what happens, happens.... I rarely MAKE these things happen.
I do wish I could exert more agency in these matters.
I don't want to do the wrong thing :(
I don't want to regret my choices. Getting rid of Koda would not be fixable later. I have a sinking feeling I am just chemically depressed right now, making everything seem worse and darker. What if that depression lifts but during it, I have gotten rid of the dog? The dog my dad loved. I can't.
I WANT to be selfish. I want to not live in this house, have these responsibilities, I want to run away and have it all be easy and childlike again.
But damn it, there is that part of me that is screaming NO NO NO this is life, you will regret not living life, you will regret running away from it all.
What is the point of being here? I don't know. Showing love, sharing love, sometimes that seems the only reason. I can't take that love away from my dog. He is my dog now, like it or not. He is part of my family. He is an annoying little brother. I might not always love his affect on my life, but I love him.
In other news. I am trying to fight this place I am in. Weight is the same. That's a good sign. I am still healthy, physically, which must mean I am not in TOO bad of a place mentally.
Eating tons of veggies and proteins and taking my vitamins and eating super nutritious food. I am trying to give my mind all the fuel and all the chances I can to heal. Shoving my body full of chemicals would depress me further, physiologically. I know that. I won't do it.
Sorry for being such a drama-filled downer here. I want to be the person I was when I started this blog: excited, full of promise, full of light.
My goal is to get back to that place by March 19th, the day I wrote my first blog post. I am going to work every day between now and then to heal. The actionable things I will do to help me get there:
- continue eating right: clean and whole foods
- get into counseling
- be active with the dog every day (good for him and me physically and for our bonding!)
- be productive with my dissertation and with prepping for my class this summer
These will all make me feel good and healthy and whole.