Friday, February 28, 2014
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
I have no intention of giving up my paleo template :)
It is an undeniably perfect way for me to eat - my body responds well to it with amazing energy levels, reduced inflammation, overall better general health.
The reason I am looking into help for my control issues/obsessive behaviors is because I have this idea that is is possible to live in a more balanced, peaceful way.
That balance is STILL eating the way I currently eat (clean, paleo, moderate) BUT without all the stress, obsession and strict control that I must currently employ TO eat that way.
This way of eating does not come naturally to me. I must remind myself constantly how to eat, what to do. I keep tabs on my phone, I let my daily weight affect my mood, etc. I think about weight and food and my body so much of the day.
I believe total health resides in a space where there is peace with food (and food how *I* want - clean, paleo, etc).
And, please, the takeaway message here IS NOT about food. It is about my anxiety, stress and grief. The way I deal with those things is by maintaining a death grip control over my body and my food. That's not right and that's not healthy.
The goal here isn't just to maintain a healthy weight (though that is PART of the goal), the goal is to find overall health... that includes everything, including HOW I maintain a healthy weight, my mindset, my ability to be at peace.
This is all exploration, I am not someone easily led astray from what I know is right (I am insanely strong minded) but I am also very open to listening and learning from other viewpoints.
This is a crazy journey, this life.
She gave me two books to get and start working through. One is a Phobia and Anxiety Workbook by Bourne and the other is The Rules of "Normal" Eating by Karen Koenig. The workbook I ordered for a dollar but have to wait a week or so before it arrive. I got the Rules of Normal Eating on my Kindle, so I started on it last night.
First off, it hit me right across the face with the introduction.
I have struggled with the idea that I am not normal. Sometimes I tell myself I am because I am normal weighted and appear normal to other people. But her description of restrictive eaters (as opposed to compulsive eaters, which is only me in my rare binge moments that rarely if ever happen anymore) fits me to a "T":
"As a restrictive eater... you know more about calories and fat grams than many registered dietitians do. You keep yourself on a permanent, lifelong diet leash and rarely let go. Filled with shame and guilt around food, you're terrified of gaining weight and follow rigid rules about when and how much you can eat. You use your relationship with food to manage your problems and feelings."
The book doesn't claim to be a quick fix, but a step on the way to becoming a "normal" eater (normal in quotes because normal is different for everyone... and there is an understanding that, if you have been disordered for a very long time, a full normal may not be possible, but you can get close).
It seems, so far, to be similar to intuitive eating. But not. I'm not sure yet, I will perhaps delve into that a little later when I get further into the book.
Right now, I am reacting strongly to the book... mostly in the "NO WAY! I will never be able to do THAT to be normal..." Things I know I'd have to stop doing obsessively, at least for a while, such as daily weighing (switch to weekly) or not using the calorie counter app.
Also, one thing stood out to me like a punch... she wrote that to be normal, I'd have to be at peace with the idea that I would put on a couple pounds or a few pounds while making the long learning transition into normal eating. NOPE. I'm not. Because I am disordered, hahaha, I am not okay with that. But that's why I am reading this book and going to therapy, so that I don't have such crazy intense reactions to the thought of gaining a couple pounds.
I still don't believe it is possible that I can be any sort of normal. She addresses that in the intro, and promises that it IS possible... with commitment, work, therapy, books and willingness.
And because I am interested in a completely healthy, balanced life... I am willing.
I am not jumping into anything too fast (such as letting go of my methods of control, like my app or whatever) and I still do plan on being "restrictive" by staying paleo, because oddly enough, going paleo isn't a method of control for me, it IS a health thing for the good of my body and doesn't play into any weird "good/evil" food thoughts.
Lots to think about.
It is a dream, what I think is an impossible dream, that someday I will just be able to make and eat food and not record it all... it takes up too much of my day.
But I do not have a relationship between body/mind/mouth that I can trust myself to say yes to food at the right times and no to food at the right times.
Not there yet.
But maybe someday? We'll see.
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Eating a diet high in fiber can help maintain a healthy blood pressure. According to the USDA National Nutrient Database, 100 g of fortified oats has 10 g of fiber. Oatmeal is high in SOLUBLE fiber. Soluble fiber is unique in that it dissolves in water, as opposed to insoluble fiber, which absorbs water. Some research shows that soluble fiber helps reduce blood pressure.
And he is going to continue eating paleo 90-95% of the time (I aim for over 95% of the time but fail sometimes haha).. Because we truly believe a diet high in lean protein and vegetables (all if high quality) will keep us healthy.
This is just an experiment, because... Why not? I do not believe a few servings of oats will wreak havoc inside my husband. If, in a few months, his BP is the same or if other readings are out if whack, back to no oatmeal.
He eats the same foods I do, and I have low BP readings, so his body is just different. We eat so many veggies and such good quality meat, we just aren't sure where to tweak our diet as far as all of that goes to work on his blood pressure, because the diet is already spot on. We eat leafy greens, seeds, bananas (all good for BP), don't add salt to food or buy processed foods (which are high in sodium), and aren't big drinkers.
So, what else?
We are rational human beings who do not think we know everything. That's why we tried paleo even though people were dismissing as a fad diet... And we each began to maintain 10 lbs lighter than previously and noticed reduced inflammation and higher energy. The experiment stuck!
We like to read, learn, and question. That's all.
I get that wheat and grains in THIS day and age are not like they used to be and no longer good for us because they are changed at a genetic level. That's why I don't eat them. But there is a lot of research out there that shows oatmeal can help lower BP, and BP is a really important thing to have under control. Right now, it's worth the slight risk from the grains to see if it makes a significant difference.
And, as far as we know, his cholesterol is perfectly normal, so we aren't worried about that. I eat about 8-10 eggs a week and my cholesterol is normal. I know there's a lot of conflicting information out there about egg yolks and whites and good cholesterol and bad cholesterol, but it's never been an issue in our lives so, we just keep everything in moderation hope for the best.
I'm still keeping on with my normal diet!
I was proud of myself yesterday. At work, my office mate asked how long I would be there, and when I told her she insisted that I stop by before I leave for a piece of cake she had made. It was full of Bailey's Irish cream and rich chocolate and whiskey and sound delicious! She definitely is a food pusher. And cake, it's a huge weakness of mine. I love the word cake, I love cake frosting, I love cake! (Cake, cookies and pizza are my holy trinity hahaha)
So, what did I do?
Just thanked her politely for the offer, didn't commit to coming for the piece of cake and just went home when work was finished.
Down to 122.4 today. :) Finishing my coffee, walking the dog, hitting the books then going to the therapist.
Have a beautiful day!!
Monday, February 24, 2014
It's a weird phenomenon!
Anyway. This morning someone came to our house to test Chris because he signed up for a life insurance policy. That was weird. We will know in about two weeks how everything came up and what kind of rate we will get.
Also - good news! Chris and I became an uncle and aunt last night! His sister had a gorgeous baby girl named Alexandra. I am chomping at the bit to go visit her, but I want to give the new family plenty of time to settle in and settle down, don't want to overwhelm them!
(I also got some baby fever as I cried in joy for his sister... that's another story, though).
I have another therapist appointment tomorrow. I'm glad I do, but I'm not excited for it. I just seem to be going crazier and crazier!!! (not really - just seems that way. I've felt decently centered the past couple of days... but I still get stuck in such a bad head space most of the time. I want to change that!)
I have nothing revolutionary to discuss today. I'm a bit low energy since I was a bit sick this weekend. My weight continues to fluctuate in a range I am not happy with (123-125) and I know I have myself to blame - I am super snacky, especially in the evening, not from hunger, but from emotions and stress. But, hey, that's why I am finally going to therapy, no? I'll continue trying to get it under control.
One interesting change we are probably going to make - Chris is going to lighten up on the paleo a little. His blood pressure is consistently a little higher (still normal, but higher than he'd like) since going paleo. So he is going to substitute oatmeal for eggs a few times a week. It's not paleo, but his body doesn't seem to respond to paleo as SUPER well as mine does. But, he's going to change up just his breakfasts for a while (not going to add in any other types of grains or at any other time of day) and see if it affects a longer term change in his blood pressure.
Off to work for me, going to try and wake up a little, get more focused (mmm coffee).
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Friday, February 21, 2014
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Oh, well. Hope it helps or starts to help!
And I will warn you... there is a stream of consciousness-esque rant coming. I am trying to get all these feeling out and tangible so I can sort through them mentally. They've been banging around in my crazy brain for a while.
I am really wrapped up in my own anxiety right now. I don't know how to focus on real life and big issues... so I focus on my body. And I am kind of hating it right now. Only about 3 pounds heavier than when I "liked" my body. It's obvious the liking/hating of my own body has little to nothing to do with what my body actually looks like, but my state of mind.
I also usually hate my face... did I ever tell you I didn't look in the mirror for about 5 years or so? I was a teenager and just. couldn't. do. it. I really have very few memories of what I looked like then, so when I see a photo, I am shocked. I liked to pretend I was beautiful and seeing the mirror reminded me I wasn't.
I feel kind of pretty and put together today, so I snapped a photo to remind me that I am not some weird monstrous troll like hideous thing that no one can stand to look at.
Because this isn't easy.
Namaste, forgive my crazies <3
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Pretty spot on.
Nothing more to add, it says it all!
- Orange: sweet potato, carrots, clementines
- Red: tomato, beets, strawberries
- Green: spinach, broccoli, peas, asparagus, etc
- White: coconut, onion, garlic, mushrooms
- Purple/blue: blackberries, blue berries
- Yellow: butternut squash, bananas
- Tan/brown: lean proteins (chicken, turkey), almonds, coffee, flax
Monday, February 17, 2014
I am back to the 124s after my delightfully lovely Valentine's weekend - 124.8 to be exact, ack!
I blame a lot of my poor decisions on this:
Sunday, February 16, 2014
I will be back tomorrow with more coherent thoughts <3
Friday, February 14, 2014
Thursday, February 13, 2014
I had beer, though - a cherry/raspberry ale - because I get such social anxiety, I wanted to relax a little. No regrets - it did the job (I was very chatty!) and was super delicious. :D I love beer. Love, love, love. I'm proud of myself that I stopped drinking it for the most part. I used to drink every other day or so! Now it's limited to once every couple weeks. Sometimes longer, depending! But, oh it is my vice. A vice I limit, but my vice, nonetheless. I am an imperfect healthy living blogger, do forgive me :)
What was great - I talked about hiking food with a lady and she was on my bandwagon of eating no gluten or processed food while eating!!! She said how much it has changed her hiking to maintain a stable blood sugar throughout the whole hike. She brings sweet potatoes and chicken on hikes (just like we do!) and it was just really nice to talk sensible food ideas with someone :)
Another stormy winter day here for us. But life must go on! Chris called in to work so he didn't have to risk the roads, so we took Koda for a family walk. We all still need our exercise, even if "snowpocalypse" is happening (It's not that big of a deal, really, haha, it snows in the Northeast, no surprise there!). It was fun and Koda had a blast busting moves in the powder:
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
I still WANT my coffee, my home cooked breakfast, and my yoga in the mornings!! It's hard to kind of rush it all to happen earlier in the morning.
Also, the dog isn't getting his walk in the morning right now. When it is time to go to work, I just cannot muster the courage to head out into the freezing temperatures and the dim light and walk him and THEN get ready for the day. Also - dog walk in the morning would mean waking up an extra hour early, which is not something my brain can handle right now. Maybe as the temps rise and the sun starts shining earlier, I will be more inclined to wake up an hour early.
For right now, monsterdog is getting his walks mid-day :)
I rushed about this morning. I did get my yoga in, and tried not to hurry it so I got the full benefits of the stretching, but I didn't have time to sit and eat breakfast...
So I took it with me!!
Monday, February 10, 2014
Saturday, February 8, 2014
I almost didn't summit - conditions were a little rough and the summit, well, you'll see in the photos. It's a bit scary. But I did summit :)
Pictures from Wright Peak:
|In my super cozy down jacket - love it!|
|Me and my friend, Tara, mid-way up|
|Climbing up the OPEN, rocky, exposed, SUPER COLD, windy summit!!!|
|Huge person-size cairns so they can be easily seen, no matter the weather - Algonquin Mountain in the background (2nd tallest in NY)|
|Dramatic views caused by cold!|
|Algonquin seen from Wright|
|Colden seen from Wright|
|Descent just as tough as ascent (mentally, especially!)|
|Chris and I at the trailhead :)|
Gorgeous, though cold, day! Feeling pretty awesome (and tired) after all is done. We started the hike at 7 AM (2.5 hour ride each way) and I am home by 4 PM! We hiked like rockstars, very proud of all of us :)
Friday, February 7, 2014
|Typical cat watching me feed the dog his breakfast, wishing HE got canned food, too.|
|Shoveling.. not my favorite thing (usually a Chris kind of chore) but is a good workout. Takes about an hour to do the front steps, sidewalk, driveway and back patio. Shoveling done by 9AM.|
|Koda wanted to go out, still, and since I was all bundled up in my snow gear from shoveling already, I figured why not! Notice the woman cross-country skiing down the road.|
|No one had shoveled yet, really.|
|Koda really love the snow.|
|Around 10AM - only thing I cooked that day, eggs. With spinach, roasted sweet potatoes, avocado, ketchup and water. The eggs look like that because I sprinkled flax seeds all over them.|
|Pre-breakfast and breakfast usually add up to under 500 calories, but I was hungry from shoveling, so I added a little more food.|
|My messy but cozy little home office nook.|
|Break from working - workOUT! This is a hard circuit and I usually don't make it all the way through to the last plank, hahah. But sometimes I do. This day, I did.|
|Getting stronger!! I am doing at-home workouts (varying between leg strength, core strength, general cardio and yoga) 6 days a week. It is paying off.|
|Mini-meal 2 - around 2 PM, sauteed brussels sprouts and onions with soy sauce.|
|Mini-meal 3: nitrate-free deli turkey and mustard... and my little treat, SELTZER! I had this soon after the brussels sprouts, very hungry from workout.|
|Shoveling round 2. Another hour here.|
|Cat says I am dumb for going outside at all. So much cozier in bed.|
|Worked hard today, self-motivated, so I wanted a reward. Lit up a candle....|