Oh, well. Hope it helps or starts to help!
And I will warn you... there is a stream of consciousness-esque rant coming. I am trying to get all these feeling out and tangible so I can sort through them mentally. They've been banging around in my crazy brain for a while.
I am really wrapped up in my own anxiety right now. I don't know how to focus on real life and big issues... so I focus on my body. And I am kind of hating it right now. Only about 3 pounds heavier than when I "liked" my body. It's obvious the liking/hating of my own body has little to nothing to do with what my body actually looks like, but my state of mind.
I also usually hate my face... did I ever tell you I didn't look in the mirror for about 5 years or so? I was a teenager and just. couldn't. do. it. I really have very few memories of what I looked like then, so when I see a photo, I am shocked. I liked to pretend I was beautiful and seeing the mirror reminded me I wasn't.
I feel kind of pretty and put together today, so I snapped a photo to remind me that I am not some weird monstrous troll like hideous thing that no one can stand to look at.
Just a normal woman, really. Not exceptionally beautiful or ugly. Just a person who should just be using her body to live life... not focusing on how her body doesn't measure up.
I try to fight it and am usually successful, but in the end, my control issues make me idealize the lean, hard, strong body that is VERY hard to obtain because women are so naturally curvy and round (because we NEED to be to be fertile!).
Control issues because my parents died, decades apart, in ways that were very traumatic for me. Anxiety because I feel so out of control in life.... other people could die, the dog could die, the cat could die, the house could burn down, the world could go to shit, we could be broke, etc, etc, etc.
I'm a mess.
And it's okay if you're a mess.
We're breathing, we're alive, so that means we have lots of chances and lots of hope to get this right.
I spill my gut here to let you know that just because I've hit maintenance, just because there are no longer any outward signs of the problems that made me fat in the first place, that just because I might look like a skinny bitch I used to hate on.... that all doesn't mean there isn't still a LOT of work to be done.
Obesity is a symptom.
I was really close to curing the DISEASE that made me fat (my anxiety and control issues and sadness) when I found my father unexpectedly dead in the house I now live in. Before his death, I was so close to not feeling disordered, so close to thinking like a normal human. I spiraled right back (which means that I hadn't cured it, just kept it at bay).
The disease came back full force and I am trying hard as hell to not let all the symptoms come back, as well.
Aaaaaand, this is why I am finally getting into therapy.
Because this isn't easy.
It requires work. Healthy eating, being active, caring for your MIND and your SPIRIT. You cannot take any of those factors out if you intend on journeying towards a well-rounded and healthy human at the end of all this.
I'm doing the work. I will get better.
There is hope for all of us :)
Namaste, forgive my crazies <3