Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Anti-climax of Halloween

I love Halloween. LOOOOOOVE it.

But the actual day is often very... disappointing, especially when it doesn't fall on a weekend.

The Halloween party I went to was amazing.

Today... well, I don't know what I am going to do. Several friends are going out to see a band and dress up again. I don't know that I have the energy for it. Got to be up early tomorrow to get Koda to daycare. (ugh haha I feel like such a boring person to say that!). Others are getting together to eat junk and watch movies. Hmmm, not my ideal situation. Trying to be healthy with my eating while I am not really working out.

We'll see, we'll see.

I just got back from the Farmer's Market held on the state plaza (right outside where I work). Sweet potatoes, mushrooms, and amazing gluten free bread (okay, I haven't gone strict paleo with Chris yet... I really am struggling to do so!).

Decently tired today. Chris came home last night from traveling.. it was actually kind of a hard night for us. He was a little stressed and anxious... and I tried my best to have patience for it, but it is so, so, so hard when *I* am insanely stressed and anxious pretty much every second of the day. But we'll work through it. This is a hard time... I can't forget that both our lives just got uprooted and this is still new and we still don't know how to do it right!


Putting it out there that I am not going to eat ANY processed Halloween candy today. Those little mini bars trigger me so hard. My dad used to keep them in the house ALL year. Ack! I would go through handfuls a day. Nuh-uh. Not today. Going to eat well today. Not going to let celebrations derail me. I can still watch movies with my friends or go out dancing with them without candy, haha. Also: no alcohol. I hit my limit on Saturday. None for a good, long while.

So that's my promise to myself.

Hope everyone else has a happy and healthy Halloween :)

Tuesday, October 30, 2012


We fared through the hurricane very well... we didn't lose power and nothing appears amiss in my neighborhood. In fact, I fell asleep at 9:30 and never saw any rain (the weather people said it would rain ALL day yesterday, heavily... we only had a sprinkline!).

I got something for Koda in the mail yesterday: Composure dog treats! They are meant for high stress/high anxiety dogs to help them chill out for things like car rides, vet visits, etc. I gave him one just to see if it changed his mood at all.... UHHHH totally did. This is him at 7:30 last night:

This is a dog that NEVER stops moving and thinking and playing and worrying till late at night. He is just such a high energy dog... even four miles of walks and outside play time doesn't touch his demeanor. He is a sweetheart, just insanely energetic!

Sooooo... we had a good night last night, haha. Very chill, watched some bad TV, cuddled and went to bed early.

Pretty damn grateful!

My weight is holding at about 125... I am up because I partied pretty damn hard, haha. My fiance is going strict paleo starting today, so that is going to help us get on track and healthy for the holidays especially.

We have good days and bad days. Yesterday was a good day. Here's hoping today is too :)

Love to everyone who had to suffer from the hurricane, I hope today is better for you!

Monday, October 29, 2012

There's a ringing in my ears...

Seriously. My ears are all strange, I can hear this wooshing in the background and a vague tinkling sound sometimes.

Sign of a good weekend? Jeez!

The party was super fun. I was not on good behavior. I drank my cranberry vodka drinks and a pumpkin beer. I ate two pieces of pizza. I danced into the early morning hours. I wore stilleto heels from 6:30 PM to 4:30 AM (changed into flipflops so I could continue to dance :D). My toes feel all funny!

The music was fun, costumes were scary/funny/quirky/clever, everyone was happy, tons of people stayed awake past 6 AM!

Sunday was a recovery day. I only cleaned the house a little. Didn't really catch up on my sleep at all.

My abs, quads, calved and shoulders hurt as if I did an insane workout. So tender! That's what I get for wearing high heels and dancing all night... totally worth it.

Chris is traveling again this week, but he has his car with him just in case something goes horribly wrong at home with the storm. Here's hoping it doesn't!

Friday, October 26, 2012


So, I am definitely rollercoasting up and down with my emotions (though trying to keep my behavior steady!). There is light at the end of the tunnel, I am not all darkness and glood! However, I had these thoughts last night, which I called Chris crying with:

Being an orphan as an adult.... Sucks.

I know I am 30, but it sucks.

It was scary when my mom died when I was a little girl, I needed a mom, but I still had my dad. And he loved me and took care of me. And I knew, for a fact, completely and utterly, that there was one person in the world who would do ANYTHING for me.

And sometimes I am hit in the face with feeling that isn't the case anymore....

I know it's not true, I'm not alone. I have an amazing fiance, an amazing soon to be in law family, and some of the best friends in the whole world, as WELL as my extended family. I am lucky. Incredibly lucky.

Yet sometimes, I feel sick when I think about my dad being gone. He was my rock.

I can't shake that feeling sometimes, that I am alone. I was lucky to have my dad. I never doubted for a second his devotion to his family. It is going to take a while to replace that feeling with my new knowledge of the people who love me.

Something huge happened: Chris' parents offered to pay for the whole wedding. My dad was going to contribute at least half. Now that there is no more income from him... and what he left behind is limited, my future in laws offered to take the burden of the wedding on themselves. Which is amazing. Insanely, completely amazing.

Now, I do not have to add the stress of paying for a wedding to my list.

Now, I can focus on finishing my dissertation in the winter/spring without needing to work a crappy retail job.

Now, I can start to feel safe and cared about.

I am so tentatively hopeful.

So... after getting out a good cry, I went to my friend's house and had a girls night with four other girls... we ate and drank wine (I literally had 800 - 900 calories over my daily allotment... yikes! ... but I have been under my allotment by about 200 for the past four days, so I am hoping I didn't screw up too bad). Talked and talked and talked.

Had a good night with the dog AND a good morning with the dog. Got to work (heard Bad Romance on the radio on my drive, yay!) and found an AMAZING parking space (which is hard in the downtown district with all the state workers!). Things are seeming up right now. I see the goodness, I see the possibilities.

Chris is coming home today, whew. So grateful. Huge party tomorrow... this is an annual tradition we call the Rage Cage. It is held in our friend's basement, basically, though we have access to the rest of the house, too. There is a live band that plays every year and 4 -5 DJs that play into the early morning hours. All our friends from downstate come up for this :) Super, super excited. Going to dance the weekend away, for sure!

Will try to update with a picture of my costume this weekend :D

Namaste, friends (love you all, seriously... every comment has been so great to read, even every pageview makes me feel a little less alone, so thank you)

Thursday, October 25, 2012

10 Things Thursday...

Don't usually do these posts, but I have a lot of little odds and ends to blab about, so here goes:

1. I love looking at the pictures of me in my Halloween dress. I've been feeling out of shape and gross and blobby because I haven't worked out for a MONTH (oh my god)... but eating right has always been about 90% of the battle for me. When I eat right, I look good. And I like seeing the pictures that prove that! Disclaimer: Of course, exercise makes me look REALLY good and feel REALLY good, but I've been grieving, depressed, exhausted and busy. Exercise will start soon (I think in November we will start up our gym membership again and I can do some strength training during my lunch hour... right now, I am just walking at lunch).

2. I stepped in poop in the living room at 6:30 this morning. Sometimes it is really hard to remember why having a dog is a good thing.... grumble.

3. The doggy daycare has been insane the last two times I have dropped Koda off: Tuesday, a lady was covered in blood and sobbing, barefooted... obviously something had happened to her dog and she had rushed to the vet with nothing but her dog and her car keys. I wanted to cry for her :( Thursday (today), a lady jumped out of a cab, yelling that she had an emergency with her dog that was in a carrier... turns out she had just come from the airport where they wouldn't let her dog on the plane because she didn't have any health papers for him and she needs a vet RIGHT NOW to give her papers for him (nevermind that she wasn't even a patient at this vet and they had no idea who she was).... that is not an emergency, that is poor planning... what happened on Tuesday was an emergency.

4. Mailing out the Thank You cards for people who gave flowers/mass cards for my dad... I hate wrapping these things up. As if, if I didn't finish them... he's not REALLY gone. There are a few more steps before it feels totally final: getting his car into our names, selling it... getting the house into our names, getting his accounts into our names... once those are finished, it's done. :(
5. I am going to have wine with some girlfriends tonight. I've been eating really healthy and really paleo since Friday, so I am going to allow myself two (big) glasses of wine tonight.

6. I admit I really am kind of confused how some people's bodies don't lose weight when they are 200-250 pounds and they are eating 800-1200 calories a day. I eat a MINIMUM of 1800 calories a day, I weigh 122 pounds and I still lose weight here and there (if I stay closer to 1800 than 2000 I will lose weight). And I used to be 200 pounds, so it's not like I am some skinny girl with no perspective. However, I don't live their lives and I don't know their bodies... they could have thyroid issues or something similar. I just am shocked that is a reality for people, to eat so little and stay heavy... and I see so many blogs where women seem to have this problem, I am scared that in 10, 15, 20 years, as my metabolism and hormones change, I will be in the same boat as these women I read.

7. I hope that didn't sound insensitive. I never want to come off like I don't have sympathy for other people's lives. I do. I have endless sympathy and feeling for most everyone in my life (real and online). Sometimes I keep things off my blog because, even though I am genuinely questioning something and want to have some outside input, I don't want to upset people. It's always been a thing with me: keeping my mouth shut just in case it might put someone off.

8. I made a 6.5 pound pork loin at the beginning of the week (and it came out AMAZING, with a sage crust and a bit of olive oil, cooked for 3.5 hours)... it has fed Chris and I lunch every day this week and a dinner for each of us! Best 12 dollars I ever spent :D

9. I watch all the scary/gory/horror/violent shows... Walking Dead, American Horror Story, even Boardwalk Empire is super violent/gory. With my dad's death, I have actually been uncomfortable with these shows lately.... death is not something I want to think about right now! I need to watch more silly shows at night.

10. I feel better after my day off yesterday. I got a lot done, but I also got to rest my mind a little. Did a lot of cat snuggling. The dog was kind of annoying yesterday... I took him for two long walks and played with him and he still was a hyper freak at nighttime AND pooped in the house while I slept. I am feeling more like a cat person and less like a dog person every day.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Retail therapy... Halloween dress!

So, I got SOME stuff done today. Dog is all walked, the final accounts are transferred into my name (phone, power, etc), and the like.

And I needed to stop by the mall to go to the phone store to do something in person.... figured it wouldn't kill me to just take a LOOK at my favorite store (haven't shopped in months!).

I needed a dress for Halloween because the one I was going to wear is TOO big and I don't feel cute in it at all (mind you, this is a dress I wore this past New Years and felt killer in... and its too big now!).

I saw this dress and it goes along with my theme (Sexy Wolf hahahahahahah I know, I know)... though, uh, a little too sexy. But I made a decision. I feel insanely awesome in this dress. I feel like a femme fatale. Like I could take the world by storm. I don't CARE if it is a little inappropriate. This was awesome therapy for me, I smiled :)

Here's the pictures of me, reveling in being the smallest I've ever been, fitting into a skin tight, showing all flaws, faux-leather, size SMALL dress :D 

Heck. I might even wear this for New Years this year :D

I will post my final costume pictures this weekend (I've got some furry leg things and a big old wolf hood and FACE PAINT yeah).

How to do it all?

I'm exhausted. Seriously and completely exhausted.

Had to call in sick today or I could see this spiraling out of control.

Slept in an hour later than normal... dog peed in the living room.

I should fix my house, call my cell phone company, finishing addressing thank you cards for my dad's wake (ugh worst job ever), get the dog out for a long walk, etc etc etc...

I just want to pull the covers over my head and see you next week.

I don't know how people have the energy to constantly go go go... I have just about zero.

Also: noticed a trend.... when Chris isn't here, my weight drops 2-3 pounds, when he is here, it goes back to normal. I think he is the one making meals for me and making sure I eat consistently. It's just not a top priority for me.... today, I am going to try. Made a delicious almond yogurt/blueberry/mango smoothie to start the day, even when I wasn't hungry. Just to get the body fed and start the day.

I might go lay back down for just a little bit... see if I have the energy to do anything at all today.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Monday... ah, Monday

I used to never be the kind of person who complained about Mondays. Monday is just another day of the week, no better or worse.

But now that Monday brings with it super early wake ups AND Chris leaving for five days.... I am starting to kind of hate on Monday. Grr.

So, yeah, today is Monday. Bringing with it a little bit of funk. Going to miss Chris, a lot. A lot, a lot. But life goes on and there is a lot to do and I will focus on all of that and watch some bad TV and take care of the dog and then Friday will be here and he will be home :)

Friday/Saturday were not good eating days for me. Friday was the surprise party my friends threw for us and I ate and drank a lot of completely processed, bad for me things. The hangover on Saturday while we were moving/running errands.... I might blame that for the INSANE decision to eat pizza (oh my, I do love pizza... it was one of the reasons I went paleo, because I think I was obsessed with pizza... I had an amazing slice on Satuday, but that is my last slice of pizza for the year, no more!) and then eat fries when I went out to dinner with friends on Saturday.


Consequence: up to 124 pounds from 121 last week. Three pounds is ridiculous.

Not that I think being 124 pounds is ridiculous, it's a very low weight for me. I just want to find a healthy, stable balance before the holidays start up... there is no reason for my weight to fluctuate so much.

So, using this long week without Chris to really lock down on my eating and to go back to super clean, health-focused eating. Eating for pleasure has become a pretty common behavior for me this past month.

Chris and I also decided to go back to a pretty strict version of paleo for the holidays, so that we can keep ourselves in check and not start binging on pies and cheese and things, haha.

Not to much else new on this front.... we finished moving basically (which is great, means I can focus my energies on organizing the house instead of cramming more junk into it!) and are plugging along with everything else. Life is not easy right now. Chris and I have been reduced to tears more than once... we are learning, feeling, growing up, changing.

It is a painful, but necessary, process called life.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Amazing gift...


Last night, we went to a friend's house to have dinner with them and another couple.

So we thought!

We showed up and about a dozen of our friends are there, all waving and exclaiming and making a fuss. I was so confused! After a few moments, I pieced it together: they were surprising Chris and I with a party to cheer us up after the hard times we had been having!!!

It was truly amazing. There was a card with notes from everyone, AND from the people we know who lived downstate but couldn't make it, AND gifts cards for hundreds of dollars for Home Depot and Bed Bath and Beyond! Then, my good friend sent me on a scavenger hunt, where I found more little presents such as a super nice, dog proofed garbage can for the kitchen, hehe :)

Then we ate and drank and laughed and it was so insanely amazing and generous and thoughtful.

They wanted us to know they loved us and damn, did I feel loved.

I am a little hungover this morning, however, since I drank a little too much wine last night. Trying to finish up all the moving by tomorrow (have some heavy lifting to do tomorrow, ugh). But for now, I am done for the day, going to chill out, see some more of our friends tonight, but get to bed early so I can rest up!

Thankful and smiling, I hope you all are having a good day!

Friday, October 19, 2012

Rainy Friday... talking about strength.

So grateful Chris got to come back from work travel a day early... he was there this morning, walking the dog in the pouring rain while I stayed in and made us breakfast. Phew.

Still weighing in at 123 right now. Glad for that. Steady and normal.

This blog is about physical health, for sure... but I always intended it to be about mental/spiritual health, as well. Obviously, the past month, you have seen blog posts from me super focused on my mental health and how to get back to a normal place. Not there, yet, but close.

I feel like there are a lot of parallels towards my struggle right now to be mentally healthy and my struggles in the past for physical health.

When I feel low and down and have no energy.... I still have to do "it." I still have to do what is right for me and healthy for me. That means no laying down in bed with a snack and a TV show and tuning the world out (not for mental health and not for physical health).

This is HARD. This requires strength and perserverance and doing "it" all the time. It isn't something you are born with, that strength, it is just something you do. Every morning you get up and you do what you know is right, even though it is hard, even though it would be easier to be lazy and not try, you are strong and you create strength in yourself.

Every day I get up early and take care of the dog and the house and get to work and sacrifice the sweet, laziness I used to have.... I feel stronger and like it will be easier to do the next day.

When I got healthy physically... I changed from someone who used to sleep late and eat a huge breakfast of sugar and then watch TV to someone who woke up super early and started walking and came home and ate a sensible breakfast. Why? I had to. If I wanted health, I had to and I realized that.

The same thing now. If I want to smile again, to feel light again, to be healthy mentally again, I have to do the work. I can't just sit back, be lazy, and hide. I have to do these things, be this person... even if I am faking it sometimes, just DOING it makes me that person. Then soon, there is no faking, this is who I am.

Anyway.... lots of blather.

I wish I could be more articulate about how I feel about these things.

Everyone can get to where they want to be. But it needs to come from them, they need to DO it and do it every day. They need to do the hard things and not resent it.

One thing for me: I've started writing again, creatively. I never really mentioned it on this blog, but growing up, I wanted to be a fiction writer for a living. I wanted to write stories and books. I wrote for years and years but was so SHY and so disbelieving of what I was capable of... I gave up.

But not now. I have been dedicating time every day to putting my words down on paper. To doing it.

Namaste, friends, I hope you do "it" today :)

Thursday, October 18, 2012

A little indulgence..

Last night, a friend invited me over for pot roast... which was amazing, and pretty damned close to paleo. Lots of meat and veg, in a most delicious way.

The indulgence? Two glasses of wine and two and a half cupcakes.... hahaha. Okay, not proud, but not regretful. I knew what I was doing and I did it. Our other friends brought dessert: 12 cupcakes from the most amazing cupcake place in the area. All different flavors. I tried five of them (we cut them all in half so we could taste more of them, heh). I didn't anticipate it, but it was awesome and fun :D

After alcohol and sugar, my weight is up to 123. Which is exactly what I told Chris I expected it to be after that dinner/dessert. I like that I know my body pretty damned well! (but since I do want to stay closer to 120 than not, that will be my last insane indulgence for a while... I kind of didn't feel great after all that sugar, either!)

So, I went to my vet yesterday to enroll Koda in doggy daycare. Felt pretty good about it. It's a lot of money (that I don't necessarily have) but I am going to make it work for a few weeks because I think it will be good for him.

Dropped him off this morning (so he didn't get walked by me, but my morning was still crazy trying to get out the door by 715!).... and he didn't care at all! He just went with the lady into the back without giving me a second look, hahah. I am glad he is not dependant on me and has a bit of confidence/indepedence/whatever.

I like being at work right now with no worries about him at home alone! We are going to do daycare twice a week.

Ahhh.... my new life is so weird.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

121/Life Decisions

Ooookay, so my weight continues to decrease... about every three days, I am seeing a half pound loss on the scale, so a little over a pound a week at this point.

Down to 121 this morning. I am slightly worried about it (at the same time as being ecstatic I might actually see 120 in my lifetime, I never thought I would see what my body looked like at my "ideal" weight). But... I also don't get it. I get that I am stressed and grieving and kind of crazy right now...

But I am eating. I am eating about 80 - 85 % paleo and 90 % healthy (haha, I am definitely indulging in some alcohol and candy). So not eating the best I've ever eaten, but not terrible either. I eat 3 meals a day and a snack or two. Also I have had no gym time/work outs/running/etc AT ALL. No planned, heart rate-high, muscles working work outs. I walk the dog about 3 - 4 miles a day and do house stuff.

So why is my weight dropping? Is stress seriously enough to cause weight to drop even if lifestyle isn't conducive to weight loss? Am I losing a TON of muscle??? (God, that would suck)

Well, anyway, I am going to keep an eye on my weight... make sure it starts holding steady. I would love to stay at/around this weight. I would like to not gain anything back, so that means I do have to be mindful about food/exercise... I also do not want to continue to lose weight without trying, because that's actually kind of scary when I am at my lowest weight (I imagine the last time I was 121, I was in 7th or 8th grade). I've had to STRUGGLE to get a pound off when I was 160/150/140... but now that I am in the 120s, I just keep losing? How much muscle could I possibly lose (it's not like I was hugely jacked in the first place)?

I don't mean to sound ungrateful for being lighter.... but it's weird for my body to be doing this.

Anyway, that's the health portion of my life.

Last night, I had a meeting with my graduate student advisor. He helped me out a lot. Got me to see it's okay to chill out and not plan the rest of my life right now. He made me realize it is okay if I am unemployed this winter... that I should use that time to finish my dissertation. He got me to apply to teach a course or two at the university. I am making strides. I am trying to do what is good for my life. I think getting my PhD and getting teaching experience would be great for me. I don't have to have my career set in stone this winter... I need to stop stressing.

I didn't mention it, but Chris is traveling this week. All the responsibility of the dog and the house is on me (ayiyiyi). I am doing okay... getting up early, walking the dog, coming home quickly, walking the dog, doing what I got to do, walking the dog, sleep... repeat. Hahaha.

I actually have an appointment with a local vet's office today to meet with a trainer. I am thinking of putting him into a daycare that specializes in socialization and behavior training twice a week... just so that he's not sitting at home for 8 hours while I work and his brain and body will be engaged. He deserves a nice life, too.

Alright: there's my life and stress and crazy in a nutshell.

Still reading all your blogs, even if I am not commenting all the time. It's a nice stress reliever for me :) Keep it up and keep being pretty :)

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Officially 25 lbs down..

From a year and a month ago.


My initial weight loss from being an obese person was from about 200 (just under, getting close to 200.. within a pound, really... was my huge wake up call) to 140. So 60 pounds and I was pretty much "normal"... I would sometimes get down to 135ish, depending on how health focused I was.

But, now, here I am from my high last year of 147 to weighing in at 122.

I was sad and depressed last year. I am sad and depressed this year. The reasons why are wildly different. My depression last year was all mental, self-created, and caught in this vicious cycle of hating my body, lacking energy because of my weight, etc, etc. This year: it's outside forces, my dad's death. I would actually say that the day before I found my dad, I was just about the happiest I had ever been... so excited about life, so positive, so focused! I was already at 125 pounds because of changing how I thought about my body, about food.

But, then... well, life happened. I am struggling with my grief and with this change in life and with all my new responsibilities that I certainly don't want.

But... I am healthy. I love my body right now. I feel INSANE to love my body right now, because everything else in life feels so awful... and here I am, looking in the mirror and loving what I see.

I wouldn't change it, though.

I can't imagine what this time in my life would be like if I was heavier and depressed about my weight and lacking energy from being too heavy, and overeating, and eating the wrong things, and self-conscious, etc. If I was at the place I was last year and my dad had died.... I don't know that I would be handling it so well.

I'm eating good, healthy food... it's giving me energy to get through this. My body is light and strong... it gives me energy to get through this. I feel proud of myself, I like myself so much more... it gives me energy to get through this.

I would do anything to have my dad back... but that isn't going to happen. So I will sit here and be grateful that I am here and that I can get through this.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Lady Gaga; Be Here Now

Late to the game, but I just read this quote by Lady Gaga in response to media criticism that she is fat/ugly/gross after gaining 20-25 pounds and I just had to post it here (mostly so I can easily come back and look at it):

"Today I join the BODY REVOLUTION. To Inspire Bravery. And BREED some m$therf**king COMPASSION ... Be brave and celebrate with us your 'perceived flaws,' as society tells us. May we make our flaws famous, and thus redefine the heinous.” - Lady Gaga 

I love it and think it's beautiful.

I saw on this article: Lady Gaga that people are posting pictures trying to show how terrible she looks. I think she looks like a stunning, sexy, real human being.

I definitely have my flaws. Inside and out. I hope to become more honest and share them with the world, not hide and not be ashamed.

I am at an all time low with my weight: 122.8... and still I can be ashamed of my body. I'll be working on that, I try to force positive thoughts where there are none.

The fact that life is crazy and sad and a little dark right now... I think it is all the more reason to try to accept myself and what I am doing.

I am trying my best, with the dog, with Chris, with my family, with friends... I am trying to stay present and active and love them and let them know I love them. It is so, so, so hard because sometimes I just want to run away and hide and not let anyone in. But I don't give in to that (or haven't yet) and I think that is showing in my weight and my health... I am trying to love myself and forgive myself and be here, now.

From the book Be Here Now, which is kind of trippy but helps me bring things into focus

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Food in the kitchen cabinets??? (also: dress update)

My kitchen is all set up, finally. It has a mix of items from my childhood and items from my new life with Chris. Keeping little mementos of my dad around, too. He spent a lot of time in the kitchen.

It's weird to re-appropriate space in the kitchen for what makes sense for me and Chris.

We realized we basically only use our refrigerator and two shelves to keep food in. My dad used to have three cabinets, a full pantry, and the fridge!

I guess we are of the mindset that you buy food and you eat it and then you go get more. Haha.

We don't stockpile at all!

Also, the food we buy and eat would go bad if we didn't consume it within a week. Because it is actual, real food. My dad was a little bit more of the huge boxes of cereal/bags of chips/boxes of crackers/bags of pasta/etc/etc/etc type.

It makes me proud of me and Chris and how we have completely changed our lives from how we were raised :) We are a fresh meat/veggie/fruit eating family. Our small stock of un-refrigerated goods are lara bars, sunflower butter, nuts and..... well, I can't off hand think of anything else!

Simple eating. I like living this way.

I like changing up the kitchen. My dad was a super unhealthy eater... I like giving the room a new feel.

Had a family dinner with my uncles and cousins last night.  Totally ate non-paleo and ate a lot of it. I didn't care. I was so happy to see everyone at the same time I was insanely depressed that my dad wasn't there. I am a bit of a mess. One day at a time, that's all I keep reminding myself.

Also, a little side note:

My wedding dress came in, and I have been putting off picking it up because it is kind of terribly bittersweet. I finally went yesterday to pick it up. I tried it on first, just to make sure. Immediately, the lady helping me had to pin all this extra fabric around my waist back because it was HUGE in the waist...

But it was too tight in the chest!! My chest area is bigger than my waist??? Hahahaha, I don't see that when I look at myself and I don't think about myself that way... but the lady actually gave me a high five because she thought I had such a nice body (Haha! I blushed, but was very pleased).

So they have to order a size eight in place of the six I had ordered (I think the sample dress was all stretched out, so it fit me in the chest) so that it will fit me up top.... they promised that they will be able to take in the dress around the waist enough and still keep the dress beautiful (because now there will be even more loose fabric at the waist).

I hope it all turns out well. I love that dress. My dad got to see me in that dress before he died, so it's very important to me that that is what I wear on my wedding day.

Friday, October 12, 2012


Definitely haven't created a new normal yet. But I can see it off in the distance somewhere.

If I wake up at 630, I can walk the dog and make breakfast for myself by 8. Chris has been doing the dog walking so far, but he will be traveling next week, so I just need to shower at night and then I can sub in dog walking for showering in the morning, haha.

We make ourselves an egg breakfast in the morning. If I am rushed, I can do a coconut milk yogurt and turkey bacon or something. I kiss the cat, hug the dog, grab my things and I am out for the morning.

Back to the house for lunch, driving to the house and back downtown to work means I don't actually have a lot of time AT the house, just enough to let the dog out, eat a quick lunch while watching 10 minutes of What Not to Wear (haha), grab anything else I might need and I am out for the afternoon.

Then the evening are where we definitely have no routine. We are still moving in. Still doing legal things. Still all crazy, crazy.

And we are still trying to participate in life. Last night was a birthday get together for one of our friends. I definitely wanted to go because he has been so good to us during this hard time (he came over for a whole evening to help rip out carpet). So we did two hours of packing up the kitchen, brought it home, let the dog out, and out to the German biergarten.

So tired. Woke up and am doing it all over again (hopefully with no going out tonight!!!!!).

Still sad... sometimes I just cry at work or in the car or where ever. I miss my dad. I am sick to think I won't get any more of his stupid joke emails or hear him tell another lame story again. He was so silly. He just wanted to enjoy the small things in life and have a nice time. I am insanely depressed when I think he won't be at my wedding and won't see his grandchildren (ohhhhh he wanted grandchildren SO badly... he would have treated them so well).

I about want to fucking scream when I think I DON'T HAVE ANY PARENTS.

I feel so young and scared sometimes. :(

But, still... holding on. Doing the day to day. Trying to see all the love and beauty that does still exist in this world and not focus on what's not here anymore. Trying, trying, trying.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Good days/Bad days

Yesterday was a pretty good day. As far as it goes.

I never know how the day is going to go, what challenges it is going to bring, where my mental state will be.

Work is going well: my boss gave me a report to work on instead of processing artifacts in the lab, so something that requires mental work... which is AWESOME for me. I need to use my brain during the day. If I don't AND I'm not being active (like doing field work)... I go a little crazy. A lot crazy.

The dog has been good the past few days. It has been exhausting caring for him, though. I am struggling with the selfish desire to give him to someone else... I didn't sign up for this, it is too much, I am tied down, I am exhausted, I can't plan my life, etc etc etc. But then I think: if I can't do this, if I can't take care of the dog, how would I ever take care of kids... and I want kids, soonish. So I think I am going to soldier through, even though I want to scream.

Weight is the same today. I actually ate all three meals yesterday and a snack. Had some beer at the end of the night, too.

I am thinking about going strict paleo for the holiday season. My stress and my grief and my upside down life don't want to do strict paleo right now... but maybe in a month, things will have calmed down enough that I can put that time and effort into my food again. I am staying about 75-80% paleo as it is... and that's enough for me right now.

So that's the update. Nothing too exciting for you guys. Even though my life is way more exciting than I want it to be.

I want the life I had a month ago, where my dad was alive and I was carefree :( I am going to wallow in self-pity on and off.... I don't know how else to do this, except to feel what I am really feeling.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Some things haven't changed...

Or have they?

I was going to tell you all about my weigh in.

I'll preface it by saying I got 9 hours of hard, deep sleep last night. I needed it. Worked wonders on my mental strength this morning.

So I jumped on my dad's scale, which weighs about 2 pounds heavier than my scale at home. Who knows which one is right, but I use the one at home to just make sure I am going in the right direction. I always weigh at the same time, after peeing, naked, haha. I want to have a good baseline.

This morning, I followed that same routine, but on my dad's scale, and I weighed in at 124.8 That's kind of crazy. That means at home, I would weigh under 123.

So I was going to say some things haven't changed, ie. my weight/weight loss.

But, I think they actually have changed... from months ago. Even now, even as stressed and exhausted and depressed and screaming/crying/raging as I am while I try to manage cleaning out my dad's house and moving into it... I am not overeating. I am not even trying not to overeat. Sometimes I actually feel like I am overeating, or eating the wrong things.

But I think that's because my mind has changed on what those things are.

I really am thankful I have been paleo for over 6 months. So when this happened and my world collapsed, I just fell on some very strong habits that are pulling me through and keeping my body healthy (even when my mind isn't).

So, it's something to be thankful for.

Time to get back to the grind.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012


I am feeling both.

More than I have ever felt them before in my life.

With no foreseeable end in sight.

I know there is an end to it, eventually. But it is so. far. away.


Struggling with the dog's behavior, struggling with giving the dog, cat, horse all the attention they need deserve.

Where does that leave Chris?

Where does that leave me???

Struggling to eat right. There is no exaggeration when I say I literally don't have time in the day to shop/make food/eat. Moving, legalities, work, cleaning out my dad's house, cleaning the house, taking care of the animals. I never thought I would be spouting excuses, but here they are.

Exhausted. And sad.

Looking for a break.

Going to the vet on Saturday, hoping to get the dog into some kind of daycare program for a little while so I can at least stop running home at my lunch hour (which means I am grabbing whatever out the fridge and eating it in between cleaning up after the dog, etc).

Damn it.

I hate this.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Blogger problems?

I've been trying to get to the "write a post" part of the blogger website all weekend, it just stays blank!

Can't see any of my stats or my layout either. Not on Chrome or IE. What's up with that? Any advice?

Huge moving weekend. Just the kitchen, filing cabinets, and other odds and ends to get into the house. Organizing the house is making me crazy! 30 years of someone's life is a lot. Overwhelming.

Learning to live with chaos. Sigh.

Learning to live with the dog. Sometimes awesome, sometimes not. He's not completely potty trained and he's 2 years old, ugh. Time and consistency.

Life goes on.

Friday, October 5, 2012


Green shag carpeting sent me into an emotional tailspin last night.

Chris decided we needed to rip up the carpet in the house now that we are living there. It IS unhealthy, it is way over 30 years old (it's the only carpet I've ever known in that house and I am 30), has been peed-on, has water damage, full of smoke stench, life stench, dust, dust, dust.

Okay. I know it needed to go. And we knew that there were hardwood floors underneath. So a pretty easy job, rip up the carpeting, pull out the tacks, sweep up and leave prettying the hardwood for another day.

But. It was my green shag carpet. In the dining room, in the living room, on the stairs. It's what I sat on while opening Christmas presents, it's where I've played with all my dogs, my mom walked on that carpet, so did my dad, I've had tantrums on it, done my homework on it, lived my life on top of that carpet, it's the green shag joke of the family. It was a part of our house.

Chris and two of our friends got to work in the afternoon, moving my mom's china and china cabinet, furniture, putting couches out for the trashman, destroying the house basically.

As the minutes went by and I saw the rooms transformed and the gross carpet balled up and thrown outside, I just lost it.

I was pacing and worrying and my anxiety was at an all time high. My heart was racing just watching them work. I couldn't distract myself.

After about two hours, Chris told me to take the dog for a walk to calm him down and to calm me down. I did. Didn't work.

My friend invited me over for dinner. She lives a little over a mile away. It was raining and cold and dark. I told Chris I was leaving while he worked... he fully supported it, because I was no help and going crazy.

I left the house with nothing but my phone and a light hoodie. I didn't grab car keys or anything. I just left the house in a daze and before I knew it, I was running... sprinting. In knock-off Ugg boots. Just running down the street and crying.

I am still sort of in shock over the whole thing. My carpet is gone :( It's not my dad's house anymore.

I ended up downing two HUGE glasses of wine, in a kind of white-faced, sweaty daze at my friends house and overeating at dinner. I don't feel good about that, but in the end, I am feeling worse about other things.... my sadness, my grief, the stupidness of this all. I hate it so much.

Don't worry and think I am losing it.... I am spilling my guts here because it is cathartic. My friends helped me a great deal, so did my soon to be SIL. But this is good for me, too. It makes it real, it puts it on paper, it gets it out of me.

I am doing better today. A little exhausted, still very shocked and sad, but carrying on.

Thursday, October 4, 2012


Part of my health and fitness routine has been sleep. I get 8 hours (between 8 and 9 usually) a night. Or, I used to.

I used to wake up ready for the day, mind working, eyes focused.

Not sleeping 8 hours anymore. Having a dog really is good training for kids, damn. Also, just so busy, no down time, no relaxing, stressed, grieving.... sleep would cure so much for me right now :(

I read a lot of blogs, a lot of women have children or other very busy lives, and don't seem to sleep much. Guess I am asking: how do you handle it???

My brain feels like mush. I look tired, my eyes are kind of puffy and red. Ugh. Not great.

Do I have to become a coffee addict? I get to bed as soon as I can at night, but not hitting the 8 hour mark by a lot. 6, maybe.

I heard on an old Jillian Michaels podcast today that there was a study about how reducing your sleep by 80 minutes causes people to (on average) consume 500 more calories per day. I am going to religiously track to make sure that doesn't happen!!

I did have a piece of pizza at work yesterday afternoon :( I wanted it so much, it was a present from the boss, I was exhausted and hungry, I wanted a break from working, I wanted to chat with everyone else who was eating.


That's a rarity, though. Don't usually get miracle pizza at work. Was paleo for the rest of the day and continue to be today. Homemade chicken soup was an amazing lunch.

Still tired, though, eager for the end of the day.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Jillian Michaels

Just a quickie: I've been listening to the Jillian Michaels podcast at work all day, through the archives which you can get free on iTunes. Since I am local now, I sit in the lab processing artifacts and need entertainment.

Her podcast is perfect for me!! I don't always agree with her methods or theory (ex: she hates working out outside and also doesn't agree with minimalist shoes) BUT in general I live her: she knows her stuff about nutrition and extolls the point that WHAT you eat matters as how much you eat.

But a lot of the show is dedicated to the mental: how to have a healthier, stronger, more positive outlook on life and effect in the world.

So helpful to me right now.

I'm listening to one today where she and her cohost are talking about getting out of a cycle of hate, anger and negativity... How hating someone else reduces YOUR quality of life.

Just thought I'd throw it out there if anyone needs a health-positive podcast to listen to. Take what she says with a grain of salt and do your own research, but she definitely gets me thinking :)

I also listen to The Savage Love podcast, hehe.

Looking forward to the day: organizing a little, farmers market and TV with friends.

Love to you all.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

For Life

The title of my blog as a whole is "For Life" for a reason. It is helping me now.

This all (weight loss, fitness, mental health, finding energy, etc) is for life... In both senses. I didn't realize the double meaning for all these months (silly me!).

This is forever and for the ability to truly live.

Cleaning out my dad's house, my first priority is to get rid of everything that kept him unhealthy and to keep everything that shows how full of life he was.

Out goes the bad food, the tons of medicine, the couch he sat on for the majority of the last few years. Out, out, out.

I keep getting stuck in a "what's the point!?!?" loop... But have to rationalize myself out of it. THIS is the point... Being here, feeling things.

"Life isn't something you possess, its something that you take part in, and you witness." - Louis CK

I am lucky to be here experiencing this life. I am sad my dad isn't anymore, so sad it nearly wrecks me at times. But that's the point. We are living and feeling and doing this.

I am going to continue doing this, all of this. Feeling every horrible and wonderful thing, seeing and doing and being. Unhealthiness has no part in that.

I won't do anything to shorten my time here. I hope none of you do, either.

My soon to be sister in law sent me this quote, and I am sure it applies to all of you out there too:

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known loss and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."

I will stay out of those depths I feel trying to suck me in. I will come out of this with more love and compassion.

I also will come out of this knowing how sweet it all is, even the despair because I am here.


Monday, October 1, 2012

Feeling the burn...

Of moving. Jeez!

My biceps and chest muscles are KILLING me.

Not doing too much moving tonight, just bathroom stuff and some books. Tomorrow is the computer and SUPER heavy computer desk. I needed a rest before attempting it.

First morning at the new house went okay. It is going to take everyone a while to get into a routine. The dog is going a little bonkers. Just have to keep reminding myself to have compassion for him, because his whole life changed, too.

The cat is complaining, too, but I don't feel too bad for him. He has several new and awesome perches and window views and whatnot. Living with a dog isn't awesome for him, but we will all adjust :)

Life goes on. Can't wait to settle down. Eating is insane. Two eggs this morning, chicken breast and orange juice for lunch, and chicken saag from an Indian restaurant for dinner. Not gaining weight. Not being super healthy, either. I will get back into normalcy soon, till then: trying my best!