Friday, October 26, 2012


So, I am definitely rollercoasting up and down with my emotions (though trying to keep my behavior steady!). There is light at the end of the tunnel, I am not all darkness and glood! However, I had these thoughts last night, which I called Chris crying with:

Being an orphan as an adult.... Sucks.

I know I am 30, but it sucks.

It was scary when my mom died when I was a little girl, I needed a mom, but I still had my dad. And he loved me and took care of me. And I knew, for a fact, completely and utterly, that there was one person in the world who would do ANYTHING for me.

And sometimes I am hit in the face with feeling that isn't the case anymore....

I know it's not true, I'm not alone. I have an amazing fiance, an amazing soon to be in law family, and some of the best friends in the whole world, as WELL as my extended family. I am lucky. Incredibly lucky.

Yet sometimes, I feel sick when I think about my dad being gone. He was my rock.

I can't shake that feeling sometimes, that I am alone. I was lucky to have my dad. I never doubted for a second his devotion to his family. It is going to take a while to replace that feeling with my new knowledge of the people who love me.

Something huge happened: Chris' parents offered to pay for the whole wedding. My dad was going to contribute at least half. Now that there is no more income from him... and what he left behind is limited, my future in laws offered to take the burden of the wedding on themselves. Which is amazing. Insanely, completely amazing.

Now, I do not have to add the stress of paying for a wedding to my list.

Now, I can focus on finishing my dissertation in the winter/spring without needing to work a crappy retail job.

Now, I can start to feel safe and cared about.

I am so tentatively hopeful.

So... after getting out a good cry, I went to my friend's house and had a girls night with four other girls... we ate and drank wine (I literally had 800 - 900 calories over my daily allotment... yikes! ... but I have been under my allotment by about 200 for the past four days, so I am hoping I didn't screw up too bad). Talked and talked and talked.

Had a good night with the dog AND a good morning with the dog. Got to work (heard Bad Romance on the radio on my drive, yay!) and found an AMAZING parking space (which is hard in the downtown district with all the state workers!). Things are seeming up right now. I see the goodness, I see the possibilities.

Chris is coming home today, whew. So grateful. Huge party tomorrow... this is an annual tradition we call the Rage Cage. It is held in our friend's basement, basically, though we have access to the rest of the house, too. There is a live band that plays every year and 4 -5 DJs that play into the early morning hours. All our friends from downstate come up for this :) Super, super excited. Going to dance the weekend away, for sure!

Will try to update with a picture of my costume this weekend :D

Namaste, friends (love you all, seriously... every comment has been so great to read, even every pageview makes me feel a little less alone, so thank you)


  1. You are going through SO much shit right now & handling yourself with so much grace. Talk about being the anti-trainwreck. That is you, my friend. :D

    Sounds like everything you are feeling is totally normal. If everyone had friends & in-laws like you, the world would be a much better place. And it sounds like Chris is the bomb diggs, too!!

  2. Grief is a great big rollercoaster but you have to ride it out in order to find there is life at the end of that ride. A different life for sure, but it can be a great one nonetheless. Sounds like your inlaws are super people and are going to be the biggest blessing to you.

    Have a great weekend.

  3. Sometimes a good cry can get all those worries and feelings out there and we feel so much better afterwards. I'm so happy your inlaws are paying for the wedding! I'm sure it's a huge relief. Have fun at th sounds awesome!

  4. You're doing great, Jeanette. That is so wonderful of your future in-laws to take care of the wedding expenses for you. I don't want to turn this into "my" story, but I lost both my parents within eight months of each other when I was 36, and I remember feeling as you do: No one will ever love me the way they did. Of course my kids love me. And, at the time, my husband loved me. And my friends. And now Josh But the love a child feels from a parent is so very different and to be without that is something you can't describe to someone who hasn't experienced that loss. It's a road that has no end -- not a day, maybe not even an hour goes by, still, that I don't think of them, wish I could talk with them, have something to share with them. The pain lessens, of course, but the hole never completely fills in, and I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing.

    1. I'm glad there is someone reading/commenting on my blog who can truly sympathize... most of the people in my life have BOTH parents still, or at least one of them, and can't quite get the deep sadness I feel. Especially when I am SO blessed with loving friends and family, they cannot understand why I still feel kind of isolated and alone sometimes. Nothing will ever, ever replace my parents... but I want to honor them by giving their child (me!) a super awesome life :) It is just SO hard right now, but I know it will be worth it.

  5. I will continue to pray for your peace. I know it will be long in coming, but you are doing so well. Thinking of you... :-)