Thursday, October 11, 2012

Good days/Bad days

Yesterday was a pretty good day. As far as it goes.

I never know how the day is going to go, what challenges it is going to bring, where my mental state will be.

Work is going well: my boss gave me a report to work on instead of processing artifacts in the lab, so something that requires mental work... which is AWESOME for me. I need to use my brain during the day. If I don't AND I'm not being active (like doing field work)... I go a little crazy. A lot crazy.

The dog has been good the past few days. It has been exhausting caring for him, though. I am struggling with the selfish desire to give him to someone else... I didn't sign up for this, it is too much, I am tied down, I am exhausted, I can't plan my life, etc etc etc. But then I think: if I can't do this, if I can't take care of the dog, how would I ever take care of kids... and I want kids, soonish. So I think I am going to soldier through, even though I want to scream.

Weight is the same today. I actually ate all three meals yesterday and a snack. Had some beer at the end of the night, too.

I am thinking about going strict paleo for the holiday season. My stress and my grief and my upside down life don't want to do strict paleo right now... but maybe in a month, things will have calmed down enough that I can put that time and effort into my food again. I am staying about 75-80% paleo as it is... and that's enough for me right now.

So that's the update. Nothing too exciting for you guys. Even though my life is way more exciting than I want it to be.

I want the life I had a month ago, where my dad was alive and I was carefree :( I am going to wallow in self-pity on and off.... I don't know how else to do this, except to feel what I am really feeling.

1 comment:

  1. Jeanette, as someone who's six years into having lost both parents suddenly 8 months apart, you're doing absolutely the best you can. The feelings are there for a reason and as much as they hurt, numbing them or delaying them is so much more destructive to your well-being. Dogs *are* a lot of work but Koda will never let you down, which is more than I can say for kids. ;) Just take it one hour at a time. Move forward in inches if that's what you can handle. It is a long road, not gonna lie, but you can do it.