Had a decent therapy appointment yesterday. I feel like we are still in discussions about what the problems are, where they stem from, and how to best work on them.
She gave me two books to get and start working through. One is a Phobia and Anxiety Workbook by Bourne and the other is The Rules of "Normal" Eating by Karen Koenig. The workbook I ordered for a dollar but have to wait a week or so before it arrive. I got the Rules of Normal Eating on my Kindle, so I started on it last night.
First off, it hit me right across the face with the introduction.
I have struggled with the idea that I am not normal. Sometimes I tell myself I am because I am normal weighted and appear normal to other people. But her description of restrictive eaters (as opposed to compulsive eaters, which is only me in my rare binge moments that rarely if ever happen anymore) fits me to a "T":
"As a restrictive eater... you know more about calories and fat grams than many registered dietitians do. You keep yourself on a permanent, lifelong diet leash and rarely let go. Filled with shame and guilt around food, you're terrified of gaining weight and follow rigid rules about when and how much you can eat. You use your relationship with food to manage your problems and feelings."
The book doesn't claim to be a quick fix, but a step on the way to becoming a "normal" eater (normal in quotes because normal is different for everyone... and there is an understanding that, if you have been disordered for a very long time, a full normal may not be possible, but you can get close).
It seems, so far, to be similar to intuitive eating. But not. I'm not sure yet, I will perhaps delve into that a little later when I get further into the book.
Right now, I am reacting strongly to the book... mostly in the "NO WAY! I will never be able to do THAT to be normal..." Things I know I'd have to stop doing obsessively, at least for a while, such as daily weighing (switch to weekly) or not using the calorie counter app.
Also, one thing stood out to me like a punch... she wrote that to be normal, I'd have to be at peace with the idea that I would put on a couple pounds or a few pounds while making the long learning transition into normal eating. NOPE. I'm not. Because I am disordered, hahaha, I am not okay with that. But that's why I am reading this book and going to therapy, so that I don't have such crazy intense reactions to the thought of gaining a couple pounds.
I still don't believe it is possible that I can be any sort of normal. She addresses that in the intro, and promises that it IS possible... with commitment, work, therapy, books and willingness.
And because I am interested in a completely healthy, balanced life... I am willing.
I am not jumping into anything too fast (such as letting go of my methods of control, like my app or whatever) and I still do plan on being "restrictive" by staying paleo, because oddly enough, going paleo isn't a method of control for me, it IS a health thing for the good of my body and doesn't play into any weird "good/evil" food thoughts.
Lots to think about.
It is a dream, what I think is an impossible dream, that someday I will just be able to make and eat food and not record it all... it takes up too much of my day.
But I do not have a relationship between body/mind/mouth that I can trust myself to say yes to food at the right times and no to food at the right times.
Not there yet.
But maybe someday? We'll see.