My calorie tracker broke, blah blah blah

General good mood today, general hopeful feelings :)

I went to a soup party last night, I made a very paleo friendly sweet potato-coconut milk-asian spiced-veggie soup. There was also a very paleo friendly kale-chorizo-brothy soup there. However, the other soups were creamy, creamy, half and half, potato based soups with cheese. Ummm. I totally tasted them. I also ate bread. Not very gluten free last night. Not at all.

Back on the wagon today: had two eggs with a flax waffle (no gluten) and sunflower seed butter.

One thing that really threw me off yesterday was that my calorie counter app wouldn't let me add any foods... I really should have just jotted down what I was eating in the iPhone notepad to keep me honest. I am not sure of my calorie count even before I went to the soup party.

Well, it's fixed now and I am back to tracking. This is the app I use: Calorie Counter. It's good, but I needed an iPhone update for it to work correctly again... also it overestimates calories burned by a LOT, so I do my own calculations for that.

It's amazing how reliant upon that little application I've gotten. It really keeps me honest. I should really try being more honest with myself even when there isn't a little electronic gadget tracking my every move!

I think, at this point, I will be tracking calories for the rest of my life... even if just in a general sense. I really, really tend to overeat when I stop being vigilant. It is so easy to fall into, for me. I do wish I could just be a normal person and eat without inputting it into the phone... but I was at the border of 200 pounds in my early 20s. I'd been there for a long while. My brain and body don't seem to have fully healed from all those years of abuse.

So on I will trudge, gladly adding my foods to my tracker and keeping my body healthy. It's most important to me that I stay healthy and fit... it far outweighs the inconvenience of tracking my food. 

I will say, that last summer, when we on vacation to British Columbia and we were walking/hiking/DOING all day long and I was NOT tracking my food, but being mindful still... I came home weighing the same as when I had left. I hear so many horror stories about people gaining weight on vacation. It didn't happen to me. I made it not happen to me. I know I need to create a very active life for me here and now and get to a place where I am always mindful of my eating even when not tracking... maybe then I can stop counting :)

It's something to work towards!

Namaste :)

Promises, tattoo, wedding

So I was reminded that, despite these hiccups along the way, I'm doing alright :)

I have maintained a weight under 130 since July, which was my MAIN goal for 2012. I got a humongous wolf tattoo to reward myself for getting under 130 and as a contract with myself to stay there:

Now, I don't quite have that SAME body today as in that picture taken 6 months ago... 6 months ago, I was 128ish pounds of muscle that I have not maintained. I'm 126 with less muscle right now. I have a goal to get back to that spot in the next few months. I know I need to join a gym again soon... money is tight, but it's important. I want a strong body that is going to last me 50 years :)

I know I saw 121 on the scale last year, but the depression over my dad's death and the traumatic way that I found him kind of settled deep into me and I've been struggling to do the right thing all the time. But I am doing the right thing enough of the time. Life is going on and my health hasn't taken a nosedive. I hope to see 121 by my wedding in September.

My wedding!!

I haven't really mentioned anything of my wedding since September, for obvious reasons. Grief is starting to lessen and excitement for my wedding is starting to grow. 

We have a venue, church, photographer, musicians for the church, caterer and florist.... I still need a DJ and someone to marry us! I have my dress, I've picked out the color of my bridesmaids' dresses (they each get to pick their own style) and Chris will be going in soon to pick out tuxes. Soooo... things are plugging right along.

So, things are still up and down... I am happy some times, pretty sad other times, really lethargic and depressed the rest of the time. BUT... the silver linings are there. I see them more and more. 

Remember: I have a goal that by March 19th (the 1 year anniversary of my first blog spot) that I will be right on track again... working out, eating mostly paleo, and looking forward to the joys in life :)

Life, or something like it

Not going to lie and say things are going WELL, but they aren't going badly, either. So, there's that.

I worked out a bit yesterday, rowing machine, push ups and squats. My shoulder hurts a lot this morning, guessing the biceps tendinitis isn't completely healed. Which I knew, but I thought I was past the danger point of aggravating it again!

If Chris ever gets around to adding me to his insurance, I'd love to see a doctor for this.

I ate a huge breakfast this morning because the painters will be here again today. And, oddly, I feel super strange going down to the kitchen to get food when they are here! And all of my food is perishable/needs to be heated. I don't know what my problem is... it's my house, they don't care. But I get all crazy brained and don't want to go downstairs for food. So I ate a 500 calorie breakfast of gluten free bread, eggs, and guacamole.

That will definitely hold me over for a long time! They've been leaving around 2, so it works out alright.

I don't know if it is food issues that makes me feel uncomfortable or just plain old social anxiety issues! I'm a huge weirdo, even around my friends sometimes. I worry a lot in social situations. 

So, yep, just waiting for the painters to get here... the dog is in daycare... feeling generally blah. I know this feeling will pass. These ups and downs have been cycling for a while. The downs are getting less intense and shorter, in general. All I have to do is keep on keeping on and wait for it to start feeling right again.

It seems the world is talking to me... there's been several posts/articles/facebook notes about how if I wake up healthy, have a house, food, a car, etc... things just plain aren't THAT bad. I'm alive and doing pretty well. Other peoples' struggles make my sadness pale in comparison... that is why I won't give in to it.

“Struggle is proof that you haven't been conquered, that you refuse to surrender, that victory is still possible, and that you're growing.” 

― Jon Walden

Chocolate, big fall while skiing

Two main topics I wanted to get out onto my blog today.

The first, chocolate. Norma asked, in my comments, why I had chocolate in the house to use as comfort food. That, if it weren't there, I wouldn't have had the option to turn to it when I was sad/stressed/etc. Totally logical and sane question. It makes total sense.

And my answer doesn't make any logical sense!

Most of the food I keep in my house is not snack-worth, not binge-worthy, not comfort-worthy. To the point that when Chris or I are feeling munchie, we wander around, complaining that there is nothing appealing to eat and end up either waiting to the next meal or making a salad or cooking up a quick chicken sausage or something.

But chocolate?

Once I finished my Whole30 and wasn't strict about the paleo, I totally brought chocolate RIGHT back. I could live without cheese, without peanut butter, without legumes, without a LOT of things. But chocolate, I didn't hesitate for a second in bringing back. And shouldn't that be a huge sign it is definitely something I should not have brought back? Yeah.

I'm not always strong, though.

It's not out of control, but it is an unnecessary treat I have a lot. We buy about two chocolate bars a week (making it okay in our heads by buying the expensive, 90% cacao, organic stuff) and have them for dessert or a snack. I never really thought about it. I enjoyed it. It wasn't a big deal. Not till last week, when I was really sad and I took a couple squares up into my bedroom and ate it while watching junk TV to calm down. Not a great use of food.

Norma totally got right to the point: why is it there?

And I struggle with making the decision not to have it around anymore (though currently there is not any around, haha). I know logically a woman can live without chocolate and that extra sugar. I'd probably feel a little better and weigh a little less if I didn't eat chocolate.  But the illogical part of me is screaming: but you love it! it tastes so good! can't you enjoy anything you eat?! it's just a little treat!!!!!!! ... all sentences that, when written down, indicate to me I really, really shouldn't have it around. Yikes.

So, yep, it's a struggle. Not perfect. Going to keep thinking about this definite weakness of mine. Not going to buy a chocolate bar this week, as a start.



But, for topic two, a little shorter and a lot less sweet: I had a pretty big fall while skiing yesterday that shook my confidence! We went to my favorite mountain again, Gore Mountain in the Adirondacks.

All day, we were skiing with some friends of ours who are awesome skiers. They definitely pushed me out of my comfort zone and made me work real hard all day on technique to ride harder trails. And, boy, did I ever! I rode black diamond trails 90% of the day. I actually skied a DOUBLE black diamond trail, Lies for those of you familiar with Gore (Wikipedia says: These trails are even more difficult than Black Diamond, due to exceptionally steep slopes and other hazards such as narrow trails, exposure to wind, and the presence of obstacles such as steep drop-offs or trees. They are intended only for the most experienced skiers.) Green is easy, blue is intermediate, and black is advanced. And I skied that double black trail TWICE.

I didn't fall on the double black diamond, oddly enough.

Midday, we tried a new black diamond trail, one that is known for being pretty gnarly but my friends skied it the day before and assured me it was groomed and easier than usual to ski.

WRONG. It was super steep, super icy, with lots of exposed rocks and stuff. I was okay till I came upon an icy lip that had hard packed snow and ice for about 50 feet after it. Nothing to grip to. And me, without the experience or confidence to shoot down over that lip. BUT, I knew I had to try, so I took a deep breath and tried my best.

And fell. And fell. And kept falling. It was so steep and slick, there was no stopping me once I fell. I slid about 100 feet down the trail, a little dazed. Someone, a better skier, collected my skis and brought them to me, and then skied on. And then I fell some more. Eventually, Chris, who knew it was going to be a tough section for me, got off his snowboard and literally CAUGHT me, stopping me from sliding down the trail more. I ended up about 150-200 feet from where I initially fell. Next to me, where I stopped, was a man who had also fallen like me and was bleeding from the mouth!!! Scary. As I got myself together, another man fell up on that lip, as well. Scary, scary stuff. We reported that trail as too dangerous to be open. There was just no snow on it!

Anyway, totally shaken up, but I got my skis back on and finished the trail (still had a huge steep section to get down and I didn't want to fall down THAT, too, so I tried and succeeded to ski it).

I was a little more hesitant the rest of the day, but definitely learned some lessons.

I am SUPER sore today, from working so hard and from falling yesterday. I slept for about 11 hours!

Going to go get breakfast ready and wait for the painters to get here :)

Namaste!

Food as comfort

It was a tough night last night.

A big, gross mix of stress, anxiety, Chris having been gone all week, the house being ripped apart, miscommunications, etc, etc.

Didn't turn out well for me or Chris, and I had a pretty sad night.

I couldn't calm down and fall asleep and it was getting pretty late. I just wanted to calm down. I ate two square of one of those big chocolate bars, eventually watched bad TV and fell asleep.

I know two squares of chocolate isn't the worst thing in the world to have consumed. I just think it is stupid that that is what I can turn to for comfort.

Just a little bit of a narrative of how food rules my mind. I don't binge anymore, I don't eat outrageous portions, I don't eat junk food, none of it. And still, to calm down from a hard night, I do go to food. Inanimate food.

This stuff is embedded so deep into our consciousness in this culture. I wonder where the turning point was that the first human was turning to food for comfort... when they had enough of an abundance of really delicious food that it was a better option to eat than to seek out a fellow human for comfort? Was it a looooong time ago, thousands of years ago, or is this completely a construct of this kind of screwed up society that we live in?

Hm.

I really hope I can turn this around and have a lovely weekend and not get stuck in this place.

Shaking things up

Workmen are coming to my house today. It's wall paper removal time. Whew. WHEW. I am so excited and nervous. I'm almost trembling. Changing my childhood house is hard. It's looked a certain way for 30 years. It's hard.

But it is time to make it ours. To fill it with light and love and new energy. I just took the before pictures with my nice camera. I will make a post to show you the before and after when it's all done. I think it is going to be amazing (regardless of the work that gets done, the befores are pretty dismal!).

Well, anyway, men are going to be coming into the house. That feels weird, too. I put the dog into daycare so he doesn't bother them while they are working. They will be all up in my kitchen!! I prepped meals so all I have to do is heat them up in the microwave and not bother the guys too much.

It feels strange to have strangers in my house!

Well, I'll get over it. And it's a week of work. And then... NEW HOUSE. New, bright, warm, different house to start new in.

I am thinking this is going to do wonders for my state of mind :)

Other good news: last night a family friend messaged me to offer me tickets to a sold out Trey Anastasio concert that's happening on Saturday for FREE! So... an awesome night out seeing music with all my friends (who bought tickets) for free?!?! I feel blessed :) :) It was just such a nice, random thing that happened that reminded me there is lots of goodness out there in this world. It felt so great to know someone was thinking of me, the music I like, etc. 

Smiling today, despite being a little nervous about the work getting done. 

Namaste! Stay healthy, body and mind, friends.

My partner

There's been an article and discussion circulating on a number of blogs the past day about weight-weight loss-romantic partners and how that all interacts. It's mostly about "mixed weight" couples (which I think is a very weirdly politically correct term... it's not exactly the same as mixed-race, you know? Eh, whatever!). - later in this post I will mention how freaking HORRIBLE the things were that the man said to the woman, ugh.

Well, anyway, I wanted to talk about MY partner and how integral he has been to my health and fitness.

We have both been obese in our pasts, for a significant period of time. We actually met for the first time when we were both heavy at school but it was when we re-met a few years later at work that a friendship blossomed (which obviously turned into a romance in time :D ).

I really, really like that we both lost weight and got fit on our own. It means that it is a priority to BOTH of us. That matters. There is no one person in the relationship to who it matters more. There are only times when either he or I is struggling with it more.

I had my struggle with it a couple of years ago, putting on weight, not exercising, getting generally depressed. He had a hard time knowing what to do for me. We definitely argued. Definitely had some difficult months revolving around it (because a sudden weight gain isn't JUST about health for me... it's usually because of an emotional trouble). What he eventually did was just be a healthy, strong example to me. He kept going to the gym even though I said no, kept doing yoga, kept going on hikes, etc. In my time, I started to join him and got back on track.

Right now, it is his struggle. My dad's death and how it changed our lives and the following holiday season was hard (for both of us, of course). Chris put on a few pounds and was no longer at his lowest weight and didn't feel his best. To me, he looks awesome. He is strong and proportionate and generally well built :) Even at the party we went to last week, a friend of ours mentioned to me how good she thought Chris looked, how fit!

But that doesn't mean he feels his best, of course. And I just want to do for him what he did for me: be a good example. He actually downloaded the app I use on my phone for tracking food (I've been using this for a year and a half and love it still, use it daily).

He definitely excels with exercise. He has been active non-stop for a LOOOOONG time. And I definitely excel with food, nutrition, etc. Especially with the help of a tracker, I don't put on weight unless I pretty purposely give up.

We are both into this and strong in different ways.

Just one of the million reasons why I am marrying him and want him around forever :)

It is so important for both partners to be in it together. I think that's why, in the article, they documented some pretty awful fights and cruel words. Now, as I said, Chris and I have argued about health before - how to exercise, how to eat, etc. It took us some growing pains to learn how to do it best IN the relationship and not just on our own.

BUT...

He has NEVER said anything even close to what the article mentioned (eg. "I guess you are just one of those people who look better with clothes on"). He is my partner, the man who loves me. He has never denigrated my body. No matter what weight I was (and he's been with me through a 25 pound span!) he told me I was beautiful. The worst he has ever said was when I lost weight after the fact and telling me that I look "so much better" hahahaha... I became *that girl* and started asking if he was repulsed by me before, which of course he wasn't. Poor guy.

I think it is disgusting that someone who has promised to love you forever could say cruel things about your body. For one, it doesn't help ANYTHING, only makes the receiver feel more like crap. And for another, that should be the one person in the world who loves and supports and cares about it. It's weird to me that the article has to give helpful suggestions about how to talk to your mate about weight, like making it all about their health and longevity and not about their appearance. To me, this is a no brainer. Of course, Chris and I like looking good for each other and that is super important. But this is for life, our lives, our life together.

Just approach your partner how YOU would want to be treated. If you're being cruel, or someone is being cruel to you, you need to address that, it's not right.

Well, I have a lot to say this morning. Haha :)

Going to go make breakfast: eggs and veggies cooked in the cast iron skillet and then walk the dog while listening to Jillian Michaels' podcast!

Namaste!

My food

I was just reading on Norma's blog a point people bring up a lot in the weight-loss world. That you can't out-exercise a bad diet. (with the caveat that it is still vitally important to exercise for your health).

I feel like I am living proof of that. I've been out of the exercise groove for four months now. I am not completely inactive (a few hikes, some skiing, and daily 2 - 3 mile dog walks) but I am not doing a ton of purposeful cardio or strength. I want to. I will. I am just not right now for a variety of stupid and painful reasons (depressed, stressed, too much to do for the house and my dissertation, etc, blah).

And yet, I can control excess fat on my body with my diet. If I am not training my body to be a strong, muscled machine of efficiency, I at least don't have to punish it by throwing a layer or two of fat on it!

Note: I DID actually get some purposeful exercise yesterday, I used the rowing machine I bought and my shoulders hurt today as proof :)

But despite this lack of exercise, I've been RIGHT on track with eating well. It shows. I'm 126 lbs today. 

So, though I would share what I am eating in a given day. This was yesterday:

Breakfast: 2 eggs cooked in olive oil and 3 strips of lean turkey bacon

Lunch: Gluten-free cranberry bar from my local co-op and So Delicious almond milk yogurt

Dinner: Homemade chili (buffalo meat, tomatoes, peppers, onions, and mushrooms only) with a slice of gluten free bread

Snacks: half a roasted sweet potato and almonds

This all came out to the mid-1700s for calories for the day.

So, moral of the story for me: even if I manage to convince myself I have excuses for not exercising, I have no excuses for not eating right. I always make time to eat, haha, and I can put good things in when I do that. As I get back into exercising (especially strength training which I miss), it will be so much easier if I don't have extra pounds on my to deal with when I do.

....

Chris is gone again for the week. Looks like this will be our winter, spring, summer, etc.... usually, he gets a break from traveling. But a lot of nonsense at his work (which used to be my work) means he is going to be gone, a lot.

Tough. Tough, tough, tough.

I don't know how people do it: army wives, or wives of truckers, etc, etc.

I love him and want him here. Life is precious. Every day he is not here is a day we will never get back. It makes me very, very sad. So sad it is hard to focus on what I SHOULD be doing (writing, prepping for class, fixing the house, working out).

I'm going to try my best to not make these days complete wastes, though. I will try to do what I should be doing. It is worth it, in the end.

January has felt like a wasted month... I've been recovering, for sure. I don't feel so stressed or freaked out as I did in December. But I also haven't gotten a ton accomplished. I feel bad about that.

What if-s, what if-s, what if-s. Eh.

Weight is still stable. Going to go walk the dog, eat an egg-veggie scramble, figure out how to live, go to a meeting for being on unemployment, and then...??

Hope there is light in your life <3

Social anxieties

The weekend was so completely AWESOME and so completely "meh" at the same time. Saturday was so much fun, the going away party for our friend was great, the drive down to the city was no problem, and I didn't want the night to end! However, I did overdo it on drinks and kind of made Chris' ride back to Albany.... not so fun.

Sunday, I was hungover, for sure. Didn't do.... anything, really. Seriously, not a thing. I feel like a slug about it. Also, felt a little sad because a bunch of our friends got together and had an evening hang out and we weren't invited. Usually, we all hang out on Sundays together. Not sure what that was about. Chris said not to worry about it, but I am a huge weirdo who has had a lot of trouble making friends in the past.... so I do get kind of socially anxious about stuff like that.

It was a weird juxtaposition after a Saturday night full of great friends and laughter and nice times. I felt.... lonely on Sunday.

I still feel weird today.

A little down.

I am nervous because usually Chris gets to be local for the winter, so I get a good four months with him home. His boss said that's not happening this year....... an entire year of only seeing him two days a week? It makes me want to break down, freak out, cry hard. I feel strangled by it.

...

I wish life was... simpler.

Finding that happiness in this world that seems so newly scary, dark, difficult and full of negative energy is hard. Too hard.

I'll keep working on it.

In other news, I'm still at 127 lbs. Holding steady.

Trying to hold on.

Namaste out there.

Anticipating a long night

I had hoped to sleep in more since I know the coming night is going to be a loooooong one. But, here I am, awake at 8:30 and knowing I won't be able to sleep for at least 16 hours (unless by some miracle I fall asleep in the car, which has always been impossible for me).

So, tonight is a compromise. Doing what we would have done pre-dog/pre-house but shifting the WAY we do it so the dog is still taken care of.

A friend of ours is moving to Atlanta, won't see him probably until our wedding in September. His going away party is tonight. In NYC, of course.

So, around 5 or 6 tonight, we are driving three hours down to the city, getting to the party around 9, staying for 3-4 hours and then hitting the road to come right back. Ayiyiyi. Not ideal!

We thought about it for a long time. We could board the dog (spending even more money). We could not go (and feel sad/guilty about it). This seemed like the best option! But I know that drive home is going to suck and suck hard.

I rarely nap during the day (I did initially when my dad passed, and I think that was just because my mind was so stressed out, it needed a break) so I will TRY to nap today, but I doubt it will happen.

I have to remember to pack some snacks in the car to mitigate those late night munchies so that we don't stop at a rest stop and eat candy!

Staying gluten free has worked well for me this week. Though, inexplicably, I am breaking out all along my jaw and chin. I.... never get pimples. It's never been a problem for me. It's really regular: about 4 days before my period, I will get a couple pimples from the hormones. That's it. And these pimples are not related to hormones. I am hoping it is not something I am eating!

The next step is to go completely paleo. I know my skin was the best it ever was on paleo. I don't know when I will go back to paleo, though, it was a very time consuming way to eat and I've come to love eating a piece of GF bread. Stupid. We'll see!

Anyway, hope everyone has an awesome weekend, stays active and healthy! Namaste :)

Birthday meal out

It was Chris' birthday yesterday and he wanted very much to go to our local Dinosaur BBQ, as he hadn't been there yet and he is a man who sure does love BBQ.

I ate decently light yesterday knowing we were going out to BBQ, didn't drink beers when everyone came over to our house to hang out beforehand (though I did put a little bit of kahlua in the coffee I was drinking!).

Dinner was pretty decent, as far as trying to eat well: I ate catfish on a bed of vinegar simmer greens, maple whipped sweet potatoes (which I only ate 1/3 of), green beans and mushrooms simmered in a garlic butter. Not light, but not the worst I could have eaten there, and I had room for it in my day. I'm pretty pleased :)

I feel almost 100% this morning, as far as the sickness goes... more like 85%, but still better. I am glad my body was healthy and strong enough to not let this cold take hold! I could feel my body fighting it (the glands swelled for a day as the immune system kicked in and then everything was on an upswing!).

I am resting in bed, writing this this morning, and going to rest for maybe another half an hour, but then it is time for a good long dog walk after a breakfast of eggs with spinach and tomatoes.

Everything else is kind of quiet and normal around here... and I like it. :)

Not over the cliff yet!

I was thinking as I lay sick in bed all day yesterday..

Regardless of my struggles and weight up and downs, I have stayed under 130 lbs for half a year.

This from a girl who had never been under 130 EVER as an adult.

I am proud of myself :)

Weighing in at 128.4 this morning. A little sick, still. Having some hot coffee - trying to get motivated because it is Chris' birthday and I'd like to have a nice clean house waiting for him and maybe a surprise or two :)

I've been completely back on track with eating this week, which has felt great. Being sick used to be an excuse to indulge. Not now.

I am a newer, stronger, healthier version of the old me.

So. Yep. Here I am, "off track" and yet more on track than I have ever been in my 30 years.  I eat WAY better. My bad eating is no where what it used to be. My bad eating is still better than most people I know when they are eating good!

I think the biggest thing for me is to NOT eat processed food. I slip up sometimes at a party. But 99% of my life, I don't eat processed foods or chemicals. My body is so much happier. My mind is so much happier. Eating only whole foods means my foods for the days usually only include meat, veggies, fruits and nuts. I do buy gluten free bread from the farmer's market, too, but they only use whole ingredients, no chemicals.

I hope all these current posts are indicative of a change in my mindset.

A move towards happiness and light.

A shifting of the grieving process, where it is easier to live.

It's been almost a month since I've had those horrible, wracking sobs. I cry now and then, out of the blue, thinking of my dad, but it is bearable. I just miss him, that's all, that's normal.

Life goes on, the world keeps turning.... I'm doing my best.

Namaste, friends. <3

Clutter and word vomit

Painting starts on Monday in the downstairs. I am beyond excited. (The estimate is 2800 and I am expecting to pay 3000 or a little above, which isn't bad!)

I want this house to start to feel like ours, to get some of the history out and start filling it up with new energy!

There is still so much clutter, though!!!

I know that a cluttered room/house leads to a cluttered mind or is reflective of a cluttered mind. I want to be free and light!

There are 4 rooms and a bathroom downstairs, 4 rooms and a bathroom upstairs and a huge basement. One room downstairs is just holding clutter, one bedroom upstairs is just holding all my dad's things I haven't gone through yet, and the basement is holding an INSANE amount of clutter that I am so confused about what to do with.

This house is TOO big for us, Chris and I never dreamed of living in a house this big. We dreamed of getting a small two or three bedroom one floor little house with a huge yard. Instead we got a huge house with a tiny yard. So strange.

I want to clear EVERYTHING out of the house. Like, everything. I like simplicity, minimalism right now. I want my house to be simple, easy to clean.

But, it sucks that it is so emotional.

I am putting off a lot of the throwing away/giving away/selling/etc. It is hard to go through these things... even though I WANT to get rid of them, the act of doing so is hard. So I am putting a lot of it off.

I have time, I know I do. But part of me just wants it all DONE RIGHT NOW, so I can stop thinking about it. But part of me is stopping myself from doing it too fast and sometimes from doing it at all.

All this clutter is just weighing on my physically and emotionally!

A clean, simple house just.... feels better. I feel like I can breathe better when things are orderly and simple.

This is a big step, though, the painting. We will get the downstairs all orderly and put together when it is painted. Get rid of the things we don't want or need downstairs. My dad's room will be a future big step. Getting all the office-y things organized is another big step: I want to get all the papers put into labeled folders and filed away in a decent system where I can find things.

It feels good to write all this down and put it out there. I haaaaate feeling overwhelmed. It is a long process to get this house made into MY house. I need to accept that, for my emotional health, I can't just toss a room full of memories into a dumpster and cart it away.

Time and patience!

:)

Till it all gets sorted out (which I am hoping by the end of the year, this house will be 100% cleaned out and organized!), I am excited to get the downstairs renovated and will be so excited to show the pictures :)

We are taking down wall paper and repainting. Everything is VERY early 80s and smoke stained. We are painting the kitchen a bright, warm, sunshine-y yellow. The living room is going to be a soft sky blue with white trim. The dining room is going to have an earthy color under a white chair-rail with a soft grassy green above it. We want the house to reflect our love of nature. I think having very natural, modern colors will completely change the house and the house's energy.

So.... there you go. Word vomit. My mind is a racing mess. It's not necessarily bad or good. I am just full of... THINGS. It's good to get them out :)

Down a little..

Down a little, weight-wise, that is. Yesterday was a really good day, ate 1400 calories of meat, veggies, coconut milk yogurt and some gluten free bread.

Today is going to be a very similar day!

Not going to do much exercise today because my throat is still sore and my glands are swollen. But the steps/walk/driveway need to be shoveled and the dog needs to be walked, so I will not just sit in bed all day (as I want to).

I am doing everything I can to make sure this cold-like grossness doesn't turn into full blown flu.. I am worried my immune system is depressed right now fighting the cold (hence the swollen glands) and don't want to be exposed to the flu. Going to stay pretty solitary today to lessen my exposure. I really can't get laid up for a long time!

So, yeah. Things are going.... okay. Not great and not bad. And that's a huge improvement, so I'm pleased.

In non-health related news, Chris and I are thinking about going to Japan for our honeymoon. It will be expensive, but I think so worth it. I have been dying to go to Japan since I was an anime-geek teenager (ohhhh if you only knew me in those days, hahaha).

We need to do a lot of research and, I think, find a travel agent or a tour package that fits us.... I don't want to have to stress out a lot on my honeymoon, I'd prefer to relax but still have an adventure! My brother is helping us pay for the honeymoon as our wedding present, so I want to be a little luxurious for once :)

Have a good day, everyone, stay healthy and happy!

129/Cycles

Hanging out at 129... definite upwards trend since December, with some fluctuations.

I use an iPhone app to track my food and there is ALSO a trend of eating 60-65% carbs this month.

I need to get back to the 50% carbs and more proteins/fats. My body responded super well to that. I felt fuller when I was eating more protein. I just plain ate BETTER food when I was more focused on proteins.

My carbs are coming from worse sources. Most of last year, my carbs came from veggies and sweet potatoes. Now: treats. Not great.

I know the problems. I am not blind or ignorant to it.

I see how people get stuck in these bad cycles.

I am intelligent, I have strength, I have been through this all before.

And still: I am gaining weight.

I feel exasperated at myself. I promised myself I would be totally gluten free this week to make sure I take wheat out of my diet. Yesterday was good. Today is good so far. A day at a time, a good decision at a time, not much else I can do.

This cold is still here today, but not worse. Just an itchy/sore throat and general malaise. Still got out to take the dog for a walk this morning, so I feel good about that. More water and chilling out today, though.

Namaste :)

New quote, new sickness

Got some new estimates on the painting that needs to be done in the house today... looks like I can save about 1000 dollars. Not chump change around here, that's for sure!

In other news, I feel like I might be coming down with something. Hoping it's not the flu that is RAMPAGING it's way around Albany right now. So many people are sick and staying sick for weeks. Ick. Chris had the flu, but recovered within the week. I didn't get the flu while he had it.... I am hoping to not get it at all.

Stayed pretty chill today. Talked to painters, walked the dog, drank a lot of fluids. Ate awesome sausage with peppers and sweet potatoes for dinner. The sausage was from the co-op and pasture raised with no antibiotics. The difference I can taste in the meat is crazy... it is so flavorful on its own without doing much to it. It is hard to go back to normal, factory churned out meats after tasting what my co-op sells.

Not much else to report. My moods seems to be stabilizing. I get sad, but its not so debilitating as it was. I just miss my dad. It feels unfair that he is not here to enjoy this world. It hurts and it is not fun, but it is not as hard as it was to deal with as a few weeks ago, even.

The people at Chris' work say I can get on his insurance if we can prove we've shared our lives together for a few years. Got to find a way to get some old bills or something. I'd love to be insured. LOVE it.

Leaving you with a picture of my awesome cat, Walter:

Dippkill!

Had a great, relaxing weekend at a cabin in the Adirondacks. It's at a college-run rustic resort called Dippikill that you can only use if you are a student or alumni from the university. Love it!

I ate a bunch of wheat products.

I am going to go gluten-free this week, 100%, no cheating. The week after, I think I might go back to paleo, depending how I feel this week. Just as a way to control the processed wheat crap I keep being drawn to!

But, I had a lovely weekend with Chris and feel completely rejuvenated. Ready to get back into the grind tomorrow :)

A few pictures from the weekend, to show you how idyllic my weekend was:

Hope everyone had a lovely weekend. I hope my trend towards happiness and calmness remains! I have a bunch of painters coming over at different times tomorrow to get more estimates for the painting.... I would like to pay less than 4000 if possible, ha.

Namaste :)

Left my heart out there!

I skied my FACE off today. I left everything on the mountain, all my energy and all my passion. I didn't hold anything back.

I had new boots which FINALLY gave me the confidence to really, really ski hard. I went into the glades (tree skiing) four times, skied two black diamond runs, and skied 5 hours straight without a break. I went hard and fast and loved every exhausting second of it. I skied faster than I have in the previous three seasons of skiing. ALL ON MY FIRST DAY OF THE SEASON! Yeah!

I came home and immediately fell asleep for an hour :D

We left the dog at home, and he was alone for 9 hours and completely fine. It felt great to be able to trust him. Gives me hope for the future.

Me 'n Chris :)

Tree skiing!

Gorgeous blue sky day

Seriously beautiful, I needed this <3

Happy and excited on our last run!

I feel great and energized and exhausted all at the same time :D

I needed to get out there and use my body and remember I am still young and full of life and this isn't all over now... it's just changed.

I hope I can look at this post when I get down and remember there are good times. Really good times.

Namaste!!

Skiing on the cheap

I got 10 dollar lift tickets to our favorite mountain tomorrow, Gore Mountain. Which is pretty amazing. Skiing is SO expensive, I wish I didn't love it. Also, a friend is driving us up, so we get to save on gas as well. Winning, all around.

There is a thaw coming on Friday, so I am glad we get to go skiing on Thursday!!

I love skiing, it's exhilarating. I love how my skills have developed in the three years I've been skiing. I went from a frightened bunny slope-r to someone who can ski down a double diamond trail (one of the hardest). I feel full of life when I go skiing!!!

So, I am looking forward to tomorrow :)

In other news, ayiyiyi. We need our whole downstairs painted and redone. My dad didn't change a thing in the house in 30 years and it is COVERED in nicotine. It makes me sad whenever I go downstairs. And it doesn't feel like my home.

But, it is an insanely huge job, as well. Wallpaper, windows, nooks and crannies, radiators, etc, etc. Really crazy. So we are looking into having it done instead of me spending the next 3 months trying to do it myself.

4000 dollars.

Ouch. But reasonable for the work that needs to be done. OUCH. ouch.

We do have some estate money from my dad. This is what it's for, right?

Ouch.

Got to think hard on this one.

Time for an egg and veggie lunch, namaste!

Long walks in the melting snow...

Keeping to a promise, I am taking Koda out every morning for an hour long walk. Good for both of us.

I've been waking up and doing the walk before breakfast. I've been enjoying being actually hungry for breakfast. When I work a normal 8-4 or 9-5 shift, I eat breakfast early in the morning just to fuel myself but I am rarely hungry. I prefer this situation!

The walks aren't super pleasant in this part of the world right now... ice covers most of the sidewalks where people haven't shoveled well, snow is melting, it's still too cold to be comfortable, though. REALLY looking forward to spring. Now that snow-sports are kind of off the table, I want spring.

Feels good to be active in the morning, too. Gets me in a good frame of mind.

Eating well continues. Made a "shepherd's pie" last night: ground beefalo topped with peas and carrots and covered in mashed sweet potatoes. Not traditional, but really delicious and nutritious. And totally paleo! We used only olive oil for cooking, almond milk to mash up the sweet potatoes, etc.

And I get to have the left overs for lunch :D :D :D

Keep forgetting to weigh myself in the morning since my schedule is so different. Will try very hard to remember tomorrow morning! I don't think much of anything has changed, though.

Taking my vitamins daily, as well. Pleased that it has been over a month of taking vitamins every day. I definitely think I have established the habit again FINALLY. Haven't really taken vitamins in four years.

I'm a little sore. Last night, I used the rower while watching a show and then used light weights for my arms while I did squats. Just to ease back into exercise. Still can't do certain things, the biceps tendinitis hasn't healed... things like lateral arm raises with my left arm are impossible! I am doing physical therapy exercises recommended by a friend who is a PT, since I don't have insurance and going to the doctor isn't an option till I get on Chris' insurance. I can work around the injury, for now, though.

In other news: finances are CRAP. I am being as frugal as I can. We should have spent way less money over the holidays, for sure. We are paying for it now. I am trying to sell some of the items in the house on craigslist to bring in grocery money and the like..... ugh. I am really hoping to have a good, solid job by this time next year and not worry about living paycheck to paycheck.

Going to try not to let money be another stressor in my life.

Peace, calm, just try my best.

Namaste, friends.

How to make the right decisions..

Several people have commented on my blog since my dad died that I should consider getting rid of the dog I inherited from my dad, because I am under stress and depressed about this sudden turn life has taken.

I just can't make that decision. Even thought I am struggling, even though I have lost freedom and life has gotten exponentially harder. I can't do it.

He's our family. This is his house. I don't feel like I have the right to make him go live somewhere else, to send him into the unknown, because I want to have more freedom and have my life be easier.

If I can't do this for him, now, how will I ever have children???

Sigh.

It is hard for me to make these big decisions. Jobs, money, animals, housing, schooling, etc. I am literally petrified of making the wrong decision. And it has kept me in stasis. I just go along life going with the flow... what happens, happens.... I rarely MAKE these things happen.

I do wish I could exert more agency in these matters.

I don't want to do the wrong thing :(

I don't want to regret my choices. Getting rid of Koda would not be fixable later. I have a sinking feeling I am just chemically depressed right now, making everything seem worse and darker. What if that depression lifts but during it, I have gotten rid of the dog? The dog my dad loved. I can't.

I WANT to be selfish. I want to not live in this house, have these responsibilities, I want to run away and have it all be easy and childlike again.

But damn it, there is that part of me that is screaming NO NO NO this is life, you will regret not living life, you will regret running away from it all.

What is the point of being here? I don't know. Showing love, sharing love, sometimes that seems the only reason. I can't take that love away from my dog. He is my dog now, like it or not. He is part of my family. He is an annoying little brother. I might not always love his affect on my life, but I love him.

....

In other news. I am trying to fight this place I am in. Weight is the same. That's a good sign. I am still healthy, physically, which must mean I am not in TOO bad of a place mentally.

Eating tons of veggies and proteins and taking my vitamins and eating super nutritious food. I am trying to give my mind all the fuel and all the chances I can to heal. Shoving my body full of chemicals would depress me further, physiologically. I know that. I won't do it.

Sorry for being such a drama-filled downer here. I want to be the person I was when I started this blog: excited, full of promise, full of light.

My goal is to get back to that place by March 19th, the day I wrote my first blog post. I am going to work every day between now and then to heal. The actionable things I will do to help me get there:

- continue eating right: clean and whole foods

- get into counseling

- be active with the dog every day (good for him and me physically and for our bonding!)

- be productive with my dissertation and with prepping for my class this summer

These will all make me feel good and healthy and whole.

Namaste.

Admission

I had a lot, lot, lot of fun stopping by the cabin last night. I missed out on skiing and sleeping at the cabin and the whole weekend experience but I am glad I didn't mope about it and got up there to have lots of laughs and fun :)

I went up with a friend and we got there around 3, and we left around midnight, so almost 10 hours of nice times.

Here's the admission: I drank a bottle of wine. It was no accident and I absolutely wanted to, but the way I feel this morning isn't great. Drinking that much doesn't do me any favors.

Ah, well, I will keep working on it: trying to enjoy myself socially without overdoing it!

I just felt so good to be in the Adirondacks, in a rustic cabin with a blazing fire, surrounded by awesome people. There are no regrets but a new day. Chris and I are relaxing at home today, making fresh meals filled with veggies, playing with the dog and getting back to the routine.

My routine is super healthy: I eat great, normal portions, stay active, etc.

It's the break in routine I need to get better at. I need to be able to go to a big social event and nit get lost in overindulgence.

Never claimed to be perfect!

Looking forward to a healthy week with Chris who is finally at home for the week :)

Sitting this one out..

So, Chris and about half of the people I know are skiing right now. On gorgeous snow, wooshing down the mountain in great temperatures, spiking their adrenaline and having a blast.

I'm sitting at home, feeding the animals breakfast, getting ready to run errands. :P

We have a dog, who I can't leave for 10-11 hours a day, and who I can't afford to board all the time (especially on top of the price of a lift ticket!!!). We have responsibilities. It was a nice long run, that freedom, that extended childhood. Damn, I miss it. It compounds my depressed state, for sure.

Everyone is going to a cabin to party after the mountain. I am making a compromise to at least see my friends: I am going to catch a ride up in the middle of the day to the cabin, say hi to everyone, sit and chat and probably have some wine, and then come back home with Chris.

It's not skiing, but at least I will get to feel social. We go to this winter extravaganza every year, get in two or three days of skiing and party all night as well. It feels.... sad to miss out this year.

My weight is still down, just by a few bits of a pound, but I like that, still. I am on the right track, hovering around 126 now. I won't ruin that by overdoing it on wine tonight!!

Off I go, taking care of what needs to be taken care of... -_-

Emotional/Catching up on sleep

I was pretty emotional yesterday, when I wrote that last post. I so want things to be okay, I feel like I can FORCE them to be okay.

And, as I have detailed in past posts, when things have gotten out of control in the past, so has my body. So I feel like if I can maintain my weight and my health... it's a sign that things are okay.

Things will be okay. I know that logically. I will get SOME things done in my life, some things accomplished. I (hopefully) won't end up broke and having to sell the home. The dog will (and is!) get better behaved.

But, yeah, emotional. Mostly mindless babble.

It looks like I am catching up on sleep that I missed out on in the past three months. I've slept 11 hours each of the past two nights (yikes!). That's a lot. But, wow, do I feel rested when I wake up in the morning. Next week, I will have to start setting an alarm to make sure I wake up after about 9 hours of sleep so that I don't lose almost half of each day right off the bat.

It was so cold here yesterday, I only managed a 20 minute walk with the dog all day.... I was shivering and almost in pain from the cold! Yuck. Today is much better, so the little guy will get more exercise today.

I used to love the winter (it meant weekly ski trips with Chris!)... but now that we lack money and lack freedom (the dog, urg).... skiing isn't really an option much anymore. So, I kind of hate the winter this year. It's pretty awful. I want spring, so I don't have to bundle up in 20 layers just to go on a walk.

Losing the weight, not buying into comfort

My weight is down today, lost some of the bloat from the holidays by sticking to meat and veggies since New Years Eve. It's such a simple equation.

I finally did some stuff to the house today.. Took down old decorations, organized stuff for an eventual yard sale. Next step is tackling the FIFTEEN tupperwares of Christmas decorations, blehhhhh. This stuff is too emotional. But everyone keeps telling me that's just life. I think I had things pretty easy up till now. I'm repaying karma for all those nice times.

So, losing the physical weight if depression and working in losing the emotional weight. That last one will be harder, but I'm chipping away at it.

Reading blogs is pretty intense this time of year... A lot of people ate admitting their yearly gains and taking different paths with dealing with it.

I'm grateful I'm starting this year lighter than how I started it last year. My goal is to be a FEW lbs lighter this time next year... I'm around 125-127 right now. 120-122 would be great... It's not a tough goal, but it will require work. When I take a leisurely attitude towards health and fitness, my weight creeps up to 130.

And I won't buy into that bullshit that my body is "comfortable" at 130. No. It's just easier to be that weight because I can eat more food and be less active... That's only laziness.

Ate eggs, veggies, turkey bacon, ground chicken, more veggies and almonds today. I will round the night off with sweet potato soup. Simple, simple, simple.

The simplicity of the equation really has become apparent to me in 2012. There is no reason for obese people to gain ten or more lbs... Comfort shouldn't be a goal. Life is not comfortable... It is messy and crazy and tough.

I know I won't be comfortable this year: unemployed, a house to completely do over, a crazy dog to manage, a wedding to plan........ But if this isn't about being comfortable, I am going to make it about doing it right.

No change!

I was gone for three and a half days for New Years, in New York City, and I maintained my weight :)

I feel pretty good about that. I am still weighing in at 128, which is 8 pounds less than I was this time last year. However, this year I did hit a low of 121, which I loved and felt great at. Grief and depression derailed me for a time.... I am still struggling, but I will not be gaining any more weight! I will get back to 121 at some point in the next few months. There is no doubt about that.

I have some intense stressors in my life right now: I am unemployed and my teaching job in June depends on if enough students enroll in it. If they don't, and it's canceled.... then I am completely without income for the year. I cannot go back to my old job because it is a travel-based job and I can no longer travel every week because of the dog I inherited.

I have a huge house to take care of, and I don't really know how. I am learning as I go along. It's a responsibility I wasn't quite ready for.

Chris is still traveling, so I am alone here :(

I am waiting for Chris to see if I can get on his health insurance as a domestic partner before we get married... I desperately need some help, to go to therapy... I am sad and hopeless for WAY too much of the time. It has to change. I need to start thinking life is really awesome again.

I have to prep for this class that might not even happen......

I have to finish my dissertation if I ever hope to have a job......

Sigh. Bleh. Vomit.

But, despite all that... I am soldiering on. I AM taking care of the house, I AM figuring out how to get the bills paid, I AM taking care of the dog, I AM getting back on track with school and I AM eating right and being healthy.

I am doing all these things because the only other choice is to give up. If I give up, then there really is no hope that things will turn around for me.

This is 2013.... the hardest start to a year I have ever, ever had.