My thoughts were like this:
"I have to go to the bathroom....
Okay, let's go back to sleep.
I am going to die someday.
Really, really die. Go into nothingness. My life will be over.
My dad's life is over. Just like that. So much left undone.
Does it even matter?
What am I doing here? What's the point?"
Great, right?
Well, needless to say, I didn't get back to sleep for a while. I went downstairs so I wouldn't bother Chris, watched some dumb TV show, hugged the dog and tried to logic myself out of my weird death-panic.
I did get over it eventually. Went back to sleep sometime after 5 AM... and then slept till 10 AM in a very uncharacteristic sleeping in episode.
I think my brain broke for a minute last night -_-
I am not sure why. I did drink red wine last night, at TV night with everyone. BUT I also had an amazing, fun night with everyone. People were in great, silly moods and I laughed and laughed the whole time. So it is very strange that I had a little panic attack in the middle of the night, coming off so much happiness.
In the light of day, talking to Chris and others... I am not in a panic over death anymore. It's not something I dwell on too much, despite having known a fair amount of death in my life. This is life. That's the point. There is no joy if this isn't a limited time experience.
It was just a weird, unexpected moment.
A moment in which I realized that, even though my life is not technically stressful or hard right now, I am still pretty anxious and sad a lot of the time... and that takes its toll on my mental state.
I see that I am anxious and sad in my behaviors... I am drinking too much and still turning to food for comfort, no matter how clean I try to keep the food in my house, I find some way to turn to it for relaxation/pleasure.
I am back on this ride totally and completely... I didn't lie when I said I was back. I am HERE, I am in the here and now. But -- there is still a lot of work to be done. A lot of healing to do.
I am a work in progress.
And there's the key: progress.
I am progressing ... I am doing better than I was 10, 5, 3, even 1 year ago. I am doing better than I was five months ago. I am better.... but not done.
There is work to be done.
Keep at it, friends. This is life. That's the point.
Namaste <3
Jeanette, I'm not sure where you found me but thank you for stopping by yesterday. I came and visited last night and again this afternoon just to read and see what your life is like and what's what. I didn't go back a long ways, just a bit and I'm not sure what is what about your father but I sorta can guess. Anyways, I just wanted you to learn to live your life to the fullest. Go on those hikes you love, get out with your friends/family you love and enjoy it all. No matter when it's our time to go, we just want to be able to look back and say, life well done. Take care Jeanette and have a blessed day!
ReplyDeleteP.S. I agree with the 5 hour drinks.
I quit drinking completely not long before I was officially diagnosed with depression, which also coincided with my worst depressive episode better -- the kind with suicidal ideation, etc. I realized that while alcohol lifted my mood while I was drinking, being depressed meant that my fall back to reality was that much more intensified as a result of the drinking. Plus, alcohol is a depressant! So really I was making it worse to the infinite power. My life is much better now but I still don't drink all that much. The post-drink crash just isn't worth it. I remember I had more of bad time of it with beer or wine than to mixed drinks. Maybe it was the Vitamin C in the tequila sunrises :)
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