My thoughts were like this:
"I have to go to the bathroom....
Okay, let's go back to sleep.
I am going to die someday.
Really, really die. Go into nothingness. My life will be over.
My dad's life is over. Just like that. So much left undone.
Does it even matter?
What am I doing here? What's the point?"
Well, needless to say, I didn't get back to sleep for a while. I went downstairs so I wouldn't bother Chris, watched some dumb TV show, hugged the dog and tried to logic myself out of my weird death-panic.
I did get over it eventually. Went back to sleep sometime after 5 AM... and then slept till 10 AM in a very uncharacteristic sleeping in episode.
I think my brain broke for a minute last night -_-
I am not sure why. I did drink red wine last night, at TV night with everyone. BUT I also had an amazing, fun night with everyone. People were in great, silly moods and I laughed and laughed the whole time. So it is very strange that I had a little panic attack in the middle of the night, coming off so much happiness.
In the light of day, talking to Chris and others... I am not in a panic over death anymore. It's not something I dwell on too much, despite having known a fair amount of death in my life. This is life. That's the point. There is no joy if this isn't a limited time experience.
It was just a weird, unexpected moment.
A moment in which I realized that, even though my life is not technically stressful or hard right now, I am still pretty anxious and sad a lot of the time... and that takes its toll on my mental state.
I see that I am anxious and sad in my behaviors... I am drinking too much and still turning to food for comfort, no matter how clean I try to keep the food in my house, I find some way to turn to it for relaxation/pleasure.
I am back on this ride totally and completely... I didn't lie when I said I was back. I am HERE, I am in the here and now. But -- there is still a lot of work to be done. A lot of healing to do.
I am a work in progress.
And there's the key: progress.
I am progressing ... I am doing better than I was 10, 5, 3, even 1 year ago. I am doing better than I was five months ago. I am better.... but not done.
There is work to be done.
Keep at it, friends. This is life. That's the point.