Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Trending higher..

Ok - this is a stream of consciousness rant because I am confused with myself. Something so small is bothering me SO MUCH, I feel a bit insane.

Now, don't let the following rant let you think my days are awful - they're not! I actually have been having some really lovely, joyful days lately. Simple and productive and sweet days.

But there is usually an undercurrent of unease in my subconscious....

I will welcome you into my anxiety-ridden brain for a short ride:

124 again. Definitely a trend here - weighing in around 122.5-124.5 when I *don't* track and weighing in around 121.5-123.5 when I *do* track.

So, about a two pound higher trend.

I really am not sure how I feel about this. Being someone with body image issues and disordered eating thinking and generally messy mental situations, it bothers me. Logically, rationally, with a focus on health - I know that small trend higher doesn't matter at all. I am just as healthy and fit with two extra pounds, because I am still at a good weight for my height.

But... when I weigh more, I panic. I worry about weighing in at 125... 127... 130... 140. It's happened to me before. I've gained and lost ten/twenty pounds as a young adult several times. Now, in my 30s, I just want to have stability. I've been very stable for almost two years and I don't want to ruin that by NOT keeping control.

But... the control. It's an issue. Once again, I am well aware that I use food and weight and my body and my control over these things as a way to deal with anxiety that comes from all other aspects of my life.

It's not a great coping mechanism.

On the other hand... taking my issues with control and anxiety out of the equation, the rational part of me STILL wants to make sure I keep a handle on my weight. I have been overweight for too much of my life, it is not something I enjoy or want to go back to.

So, the issue? How to control my weight in a physically healthy and mentally healthy manner without letting it turn into the obsessive, disordered, self-shaming, self-hating mess it often does?

I'd be okay if I could maintain 124 for the long haul. (Though, I will admit, I really like how my body fits into my clothes closer to 121... at this weight, those three pounds show up not so nicely - totally vanity weight). I know I'm healthy and fit and strong at 124....

But I don't trust myself.

That's the issue.

I don't trust myself to actually maintain at 124. I don't trust myself not to continue trending upwards.

The books I'm reading, the therapy I'm in.... everything is trying to teach me to trust myself and my body. But I don't. I am working on it, but I just don't right now and it makes me want to get control in a very disordered way.

And I feel shameful and guilty and gross for thinking about myself and my body and my weight so much. For not loving myself when I am so blessed in so many ways.

I feel weak.

I want to put this energy into something else... I feel vain and stupid for worrying about my weight. It just is really hard knowing I lost my teenage years, my young adulthood to obesity. I was out of this world because of my shame. I lost too many years and too many experiences to hiding because of my weight. I don't want to go back to that time.

So... these are the thoughts that plague my poor brain as I go through my life. And I have life to get back to just now... therapy appointment, finish writing my test for class, and then back to statistics for the dissertation.

Namaste <3

21 comments:

  1. Jeanette, as an OCD Virgo who LOVES to be in control...I'd just suggest trying to NOT worry about trusting yourself, or your body. Trust your SYSTEM. Yes, the system of clean paleo eating. But consistently. You know that when you go a little 'wild' on weekends or in group settings and eat non-paleo, your weight blips up. It's pretty much the only time it does. So try to just trust the paleo template, all the time. Don't look at it as deprivation during social settings. Try to learn to look at it as being true to what you believe in all the time...not just when it's convenient. When you are trusting the process and eating clean consistently, you won't have to worry about weight blips up.

    As my therapist (during a previous divorce period) told me: stay IN the moment. When you are sad, you are looking back, and there is nothing you can change about the past. It's a waste of time. And when you are anxious, you are looking to the future, and it's not here, so it's a waste of time too. And only about 10%, at most, of the things we worry about, actually come true. So it's a massive waste of time. Just focus on today, because it's really all that any of us are guaranteed.

    Trust your process, and why you believe in it, and stay true to it. Everything else will fall into place. Eventually. :)

    :: hugs ::

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  2. "It just is really hard knowing I lost my teenage years, my young adulthood to obesity." Have to respond to this! When I was in high school and college, I weighed about 25 more lbs than you at your highest weight. I do not consider those years "lost." I went to college, became a teacher, made friends, dated, etc. Being obese does not automatically exclude a person from participating in life. Obesity doesn't force people to "check out" of social situations. People choose to check out. Why did you choose to check out?

    I hope you understand that I write this response with the best of intentions. I don't mean to criticize you or try to invalidate your feelings. Your feelings are whatever they are! It's just (one more!) thing to think about. :)

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    1. You are 100% right- obesity and loneliness are not correlated ... But they were linked for me. I was sad, stressed, anxious, grieving and turned to food for comfort, so I got fat, which made me MORE anxious and sad. So, in my mind, they are linked inextricably... Then I lost weight and only then reentered the world, so I never knew what it was to be heavy and still have a life... Which makes me fear being heavy again!! Knowing rationally the truth (that I would not lose my friends or my life if I gained weight) doesn't begin to change my anxiety problems about it :( working on it, though!!

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  3. I don't know if this would work for you, but long ago when I went to Jenny Craig there was a woman who was going through the same thing. She had lost (and was still working on it_ and every time she went up a pound or two she would panic. The counselor (we had a monthly group class and a weekly solo counseling session back then) suggested that she record her measurements each week instead of her weight and let that be her guide. It apparently worked because the woman then proceeded to lose more weight and was doing well when I quit the program (didn't work for me unfortunately).

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  4. " weighing in around 122.5-124.5 when I *don't* track and weighing in around 121.5-123.5 when I *do* track. So, about a two pound higher trend."

    Two? Both the lower ends and the upper ends of those ranges differ by exactly one pound. Where does the "two" come from?

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    1. I guess I open myself up to dickish comments as I have a public blog... I'm seeing generally 123/124 now as opposed to the 121/122 I used to... I have struggled with eating disorders for most of my life, and struggle with disordered thinking. Ever SEEING 124 bothers me since I'm more used to 122, so that's why I see a 2 lb difference (not that it freakjng matters... That's the whole point... ). I dislike when people who, when the easiest path is to do/say nothing, say something unhelpful.

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    2. Well, I wouldn't really call it a 'dickish' comment. The ranges you gave DO only vary by a pound, as you stated them. I understand how you got at the 2 lb. difference, but I wouldn't call Dennis' comments dickish. ;) Just from the outside looking in.

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    3. Yeah, I regretted saying it so harshly... I just came back from a therapy appointment that was emotionally draining because it's not REALLY about the real physical weight.... It's about my mental state and my anxieties and the sadness I've been stupidly carrying for so long. He's not a normal commenter... It irked me he chose NOW and something so trivial and stupid to comment on. That type of 'help' isn't really needed.

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    4. I have a low readership and a small number of commenters (all who have been intelligent, empathetic and helpful in their responses)... It was weird to get a random comment that, if he was a regular reader, he might have understood more about my situation.

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    5. Sorry. I wasn't trying to be dickish. It just struck me as odd. I assumed there was a typo or something somewhere.
      I am a regular reader, and I hope we meet sometime on the trail. Until then, keep it up; I enjoy this blog.

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    6. No problem- I got emotional! I'm struggling to see my weight in a more rational, detached way... But I'm not there. I shouldn't have responded as I did... Just a bad time!

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  5. I'm thinking yes, what Gwen said, stick more to the paleo template. I don't go off the tracks in a social situation, I just look around at what I can eat. Worst off track for me would be some fries or breading on something. If tracking does help so much could you start just tracking less often? Or not track quite as vigilantly as you were? I don't think tracking of itself is bad, just the obsession behind it.

    I think it's admirable that you don't want to ever regain the weight and for that reason you may have to be a semi-tracking person for a long time yet. Just don't let it define who you are or let it control your day ;)

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  6. I agree. My issue with this was not that tracking should be a don't do it; instead, I felt it should be 'how do I learn to track and not let it affect my self worth/attitude for the rest of the day.' Perhaps no tracking for a while is necessary to 'get there', but I'm not sure... I just want you to be happy. It's easy to sit on the other side and critique, but no one is walking directly in your shoes. I can give my own opinions, usually based on my own experiences (which at 62 and an OCD'er myself are pretty well versed), but that still doesn't mean it entirely applies to you or anyone else.

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  7. I'm speaking as a person whose weight can fluctuate 2 lbs per day. if I've had a big workout day, if I drank a lot of water, etc...I've kind of given up tthinking OMG I've gained two lbs or hallelujah I've lost two and accepting that fluctuating is normal. Maybe weigh only 1 to 2 times a week? Of course if tracking calms you it isn't the worst thing ever.

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  8. I absolutely don't think your days are awful just because of these types of rambly/ranty posts because I do the same. I'm sure folks look at my blog and think "what a depressed, lost person". I don't need the blog for the feel good days....I need it for the not so feel good days. It's where I "let it out"...the frustration, the trying to brain storm how I'm going to "fix" myself, etc. Thanks for posting publicly your rants/rambles.

    I understand you wanting to be down 3lbs, and what a huge difference that makes because I'm finding that even way up here in the 190's, 5lbs is a huge difference in how my body feels/looks. I'm sorry I have no advice....listening to me would be like asking someone still at base camp how to make it up the next 1,000 feet. You are miles ahead of me in this journey, so all I can do is cheer you on, and tell you to just keep moving forward. ((hugs)) blogger friend...keep figuring it out ;)

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    1. Thanks for understanding!! I hate to be so vain and care about a few pounds at this weight... but I spent such a large chunk of my life not liking my body (there was no "accept yourself at every size" movement when I was a large girl)... life IS very good at this point, I struggle in a number of areas, and health/fitness/weight/mental health is one of them on the list to get under control!

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  9. Oh and I should add Jeanette - while I don't "track" as such, my whole day is better when my scales real 71 kilos instead of 72. I know exactly how you feel on that one and I think we'd all be in agreement on that. Perhaps we all need therapy? No, I think it's that we all know how hard it's been to get to where we are and by God, we're not going back!!

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    1. Glad to hear I am understood! :) I really only would like to trend a little lower just for my own peace of mind... so I might track a little more loosely or something (but really it's the social eating that gets me every time... and I wouldn't have tracked that even when I was tracking!)

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  10. "It just is really hard knowing I lost my teenage years, my young adulthood to obesity."
    Jeanette, I just wanted to take a different perspective on this and tell you how INSPIRING your blog is to me. There has never been a time in my life when I was thin or the "right" weight. In high school I was 170 pounds, now I'm 230. That saying "nothing tastes as good as thin feels" just doesn't work for me - I have no idea what thin feels like! Also, I have heard of people taping up photos of themselves at their thinnest onto their refrigerators to deter themselves from eating - also doesn't work for me! I don't have any skinny photos! It's inspiring and helpful to hear that the life I'm living right now might actually be a sucky one and a "thin life" would be better. I know that sounds weird but thanks for your posts. I really enjoy reading!

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  11. Oh Jeanette, I totally get this. I am an obsessor of the numbers too:( I had to, had to stop weighing myself all together about 1.5 years ago because my weight can fluctuate by pounds in a day and it was making me mental. It was all I could think about. I've gotten myself away from that habit, only to move onto another obsession, my body image. I haven't started yet, my 1st appointment's next week, but have you tried Mindfullness Based Stress Reduction therapy? The therapist I just saw on Monday, along with my family doctor says it will work wonders for me because of my body image issues. Just some food for thought. You're beautiful :) xoxoxox

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  12. Just found you. We seem a lot alike, although I'm a long way from goal weight.
    Lori

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