Ok - this is a stream of consciousness rant because I am confused with myself. Something so small is bothering me SO MUCH, I feel a bit insane.
Now, don't let the following rant let you think my days are awful - they're not! I actually have been having some really lovely, joyful days lately. Simple and productive and sweet days.
But there is usually an undercurrent of unease in my subconscious....
I will welcome you into my anxiety-ridden brain for a short ride:
124 again. Definitely a trend here - weighing in around 122.5-124.5 when I *don't* track and weighing in around 121.5-123.5 when I *do* track.
So, about a two pound higher trend.
I really am not sure how I feel about this. Being someone with body image issues and disordered eating thinking and generally messy mental situations, it bothers me. Logically, rationally, with a focus on health - I know that small trend higher doesn't matter at all. I am just as healthy and fit with two extra pounds, because I am still at a good weight for my height.
But... when I weigh more, I panic. I worry about weighing in at 125... 127... 130... 140. It's happened to me before. I've gained and lost ten/twenty pounds as a young adult several times. Now, in my 30s, I just want to have stability. I've been very stable for almost two years and I don't want to ruin that by NOT keeping control.
But... the control. It's an issue. Once again, I am well aware that I use food and weight and my body and my control over these things as a way to deal with anxiety that comes from all other aspects of my life.
It's not a great coping mechanism.
On the other hand... taking my issues with control and anxiety out of the equation, the rational part of me STILL wants to make sure I keep a handle on my weight. I have been overweight for too much of my life, it is not something I enjoy or want to go back to.
So, the issue? How to control my weight in a physically healthy and mentally healthy manner without letting it turn into the obsessive, disordered, self-shaming, self-hating mess it often does?
I'd be okay if I could maintain 124 for the long haul. (Though, I will admit, I really like how my body fits into my clothes closer to 121... at this weight, those three pounds show up not so nicely - totally vanity weight). I know I'm healthy and fit and strong at 124....
But I don't trust myself.
That's the issue.
I don't trust myself to actually maintain at 124. I don't trust myself not to continue trending upwards.
The books I'm reading, the therapy I'm in.... everything is trying to teach me to trust myself and my body. But I don't. I am working on it, but I just don't right now and it makes me want to get control in a very disordered way.
And I feel shameful and guilty and gross for thinking about myself and my body and my weight so much. For not loving myself when I am so blessed in so many ways.
I feel weak.
I want to put this energy into something else... I feel vain and stupid for worrying about my weight. It just is really hard knowing I lost my teenage years, my young adulthood to obesity. I was out of this world because of my shame. I lost too many years and too many experiences to hiding because of my weight. I don't want to go back to that time.
So... these are the thoughts that plague my poor brain as I go through my life. And I have life to get back to just now... therapy appointment, finish writing my test for class, and then back to statistics for the dissertation.