Monday, September 24, 2012


I won't lie and say things are going well. They're not. My life is being turned inside out.

Thankfully I've been dealing with disordered eating long enough that I haven't fallen into destructive habits during this fucking terrible, rotten, unfair, stupid time in my life. It's a struggle to eat, everything tastes like dust. But I am eating a little bit, Chris is making sure that I do, and also that I am drinking water.

All of a sudden I am a homeowner. I am going to move into my dad's house (he lives a mile away from me currently)... packing up his things and my things and moving it all around, too overwhelming to think of right now.

I also am a dog owner. I don't know if it's the grief and stress being felt by both me and the dog, but I can't handle it right now. I don't think I will ever be able to. But I am also devastated at the thought of finding him a new home, because my dad loved the dog with all his heart and soul. He asked me if anything ever happened to him to take care of the dog. And now I am considering NOT taking care of the dog. I feel stupid and weak and selfish.

I am in a bit of trouble with my job. I travel from Monday to Friday, as you know, and I asked to be in the lab for a few weeks. The boss isn't happy, with me or Chris. Chris has to go back on the road right away next week :( :( Sad. I need to start looking for a new job, as well.... another fact that is too overwhelming to even dream of.

Finances are confusing. I don't know how to deal with it.

I am going to the funeral parlor today to make those type of decisions. Ugh.

I do have a huge support network, my friends are amazing, even people from my school made food and brought it over. I've spent the past two days with my dad's family (his brothers and such). Chris is taking care of the day to day stuff and being amazing at putting up with my fits of crying and distress.

I am not alone, but I feel the weight of this like nothing ever before. I am crushed. I miss my dad. I WANT my dad, I need him for this.... he took care of me a lot, dealt with a lot of the minutiae of life for me. I just want him back. I can't believe he is gone. His whole life is in that house, he was watching TV and food was on the table and he was just LIVING, and now he's not.... and I don't know what to do with that.

And so I go on.... barely.


  1. I don't know of any words that I can offer that would provide much comfort so instead I can only offer thoughts, prayers and support.

  2. I'm so very sorry for your loss and everything you are left to sort through in the aftermath of this tragedy. I don't know you personally and I have only been a reader for a little while but I want you to know that you are in my thoughts. Please take care of yourself and let those closest to you help you with everything you need.