Getting through this..

The wake is today. I wish it didn't have to happen but I just want it to be over with.

Yesterday was a good day for me, I felt strong and made some decisive choices throughout the day. I could smile. I met up with friends at different points to just get some warm human contact and make sure everyone knew I loved them.

Today, I woke up feeling kind of groggy and a little under the weather. I feel kind of weak and sad and ... you know. Wakes aren't exactly great days.

I've been writing a eulogy for my father. I don't know if it does him justice. I want to tell everything about him that was great and that I loved. But 5 minutes isn't exactly enough. Not enough to sum up a life and everything he was. I may put it here when the funeral is over, I don't want his memory to disappear.

I'm taking care of myself the best I can. I am eating sometimes. Mostly good, whole foods. A huge sea salt dark chocolate bar brought me a lot of pleasure yesterday. I don't care. I just want to stay healthy enough to get through this. Sleeping is the biggest thing... I am sleeping, though using a sleep aid to help me.

I think I am going to pursue talking to a grief counselor to try and learn how to grieve but not fall to pieces.

I am in a fog today. I don't want to shower and dress, it would mean that it's almost time to go to my dad's wake. I don't want this to be real. It's about to be very real.......

Thank everyone who has commented with support. It is not in vain. It helps to know someone out there is thinking of me and sending me good energy even just for a minute.

Love you all. Tell the people you love that you love them often and sincerely.