Difficult times

I am not going into specifics for various reasons, but I needed to put this out there into the world so it doesn't all spiral out of control.

Had a very difficult morning and now am very, very sad... in that trembling, painful, I don't know how this will ever feel good again kind of way.

Before the crap went down, I weighed in at 125.2. Obviously did well this week with my food, even though I wasn't super active. No gains (in fact, a loss).

But now.... I want to feel better. I don't know how. I want to eat sugar and cheese and bread. I want to binge and purge to my heart's content until I feel like I have some control again (obviously would be VERY temporary, but I have to admit I am having those urges).

I don't want to do that. I want to behave, I want to be an adult, I want to be healthy, even when I feel this low.

I have to feel these feelings, even though it's uncomfortable.

I need to turn to something that won't hurt me *more* in order to deal with this.

I am thinking a bath and a book or going for a long walk with the dog. I know these are the right things, it is just so hard to get the motivation to do them. I am hoping that writing this down will make me feel more accountable and more desirous to do the right thing and take care of myself.