Moving day...

Taking a quick break after waking up this morning to just pause and reflect.

I'm moving into my dad's house today. I am leaving my apartment. I love my apartment. I am so comfortable here. It's been home for a long time now, Chris and I have really made it our own. But I love my dad's house, too. I grew up there, my parents loved that house. It is in a GREAT neighborhood, good neighbors, lots of a trees, very quiet.

I officially become a full time dog owner, as well. That terrifies me a little. I don't want to give up everything I love (skiing, parties with friends). I will need to find a way to make it work.

Both these things also mean I need to start looking for a new job. No more traveling Monday through Friday. Ugh. Probably won't be an archaeologist anymore.... but we will see what life brings. I just want to like my job.

I am scared.

I feel like I am trembling all the time.

It is also very hard to eat. I'll not eat for 12 or more hours, and then someone will bring me food and the hunger will strike me like an insane person and I will eat and eat. It's hard to do these things right. I feel like I am still in shock and in a fog. It was 8 days ago that I found my dad in the basement. Stupid stuff like brushing my teeth or grocery shopping or whatever is the farthest thing from my mind.

I hope I will fall into a pattern. One month to get everything out of my apartment (we are just moving our bedroom in today... it's the only thing we *need* to live there since the house was ready to live in as far as kitchen, etc). I am hoping in two months, I will be settled in the house and have a new job and a new routine and will start to love life again.

Right now, life is just making me sad. Trying to see the silver linings, I am.

Grieving, drinking, moving....

Holding on by a thread.

Wanting to kick, scream, cry... This Is Not Fair!

I just want my life and to grieve.... but no, I have to move the weekend after I found my father dead in the house I am moving into.

I got drunk last night... I didn't even mean to. I just was with friends, at a show we had bought tickets to last month, tried to live my life..... ended up puking and sobbing and passing out.

Not great.

No more drinking.

So, so, so, so sad. :(

Going to drink water, eat a healthy breakfast and resume moving duties.........

Please let this be over soon.

Finding peace...

My dad is with my mom now, we buried him next to her and I feel some sense of peace for it.

The sun came out the moment they laid the casket down at the grave.

I miss him. I miss her. I am going to live in their house and celebrate their memory and thank them for this life.

I made it through the eulogy, I was emotional and I stopped to breathe a few times, but I said the words and made people remember my dad full of life and love and kindness and strength. It is all that I wanted.

I am taking care. My weight isn't going up or down. I am not eating paleo, I eat the best choice of what is there in front of me, because I need to eat but these few days... there is no effort in getting food. If someone gives me a turkey sandwich, I eat it.

I am not overeating or being destructive. I will not defile my dad's memory by hurting myself during grieving for him. He was unhealthy, ate poorly and too much, as well as smoked. I will learn the lessons left by him. I will try not to cut my life short. I overate after my mom's death... it didn't help, it only dulled the pain for years and then I had to relive it all over again. Not this time.

I want to take this life and grab it with both hands and scream and cry and laugh and live.

These next few days, with legal things and probate court and the DMV and the bank and the blah blah blah. It's going to suck. Moving into a new house.... going to suck. But I just need to get through it. I just need to breathe.

I am thankful for this life. This life is too precious and too short to waste by burying myself in food and hurt and pain.

All of you on your journey to health/weight loss/fitness: please do these things and live this life with joy.... do not sorrow in the pain of change. Take care of your human body and do it gladly. It is a gift.

Getting through this..

The wake is today. I wish it didn't have to happen but I just want it to be over with.

Yesterday was a good day for me, I felt strong and made some decisive choices throughout the day. I could smile. I met up with friends at different points to just get some warm human contact and make sure everyone knew I loved them.

Today, I woke up feeling kind of groggy and a little under the weather. I feel kind of weak and sad and ... you know. Wakes aren't exactly great days.

I've been writing a eulogy for my father. I don't know if it does him justice. I want to tell everything about him that was great and that I loved. But 5 minutes isn't exactly enough. Not enough to sum up a life and everything he was. I may put it here when the funeral is over, I don't want his memory to disappear.

I'm taking care of myself the best I can. I am eating sometimes. Mostly good, whole foods. A huge sea salt dark chocolate bar brought me a lot of pleasure yesterday. I don't care. I just want to stay healthy enough to get through this. Sleeping is the biggest thing... I am sleeping, though using a sleep aid to help me.

I think I am going to pursue talking to a grief counselor to try and learn how to grieve but not fall to pieces.

I am in a fog today. I don't want to shower and dress, it would mean that it's almost time to go to my dad's wake. I don't want this to be real. It's about to be very real.......

Thank everyone who has commented with support. It is not in vain. It helps to know someone out there is thinking of me and sending me good energy even just for a minute.

Love you all. Tell the people you love that you love them often and sincerely.

Update...

I won't lie and say things are going well. They're not. My life is being turned inside out.

Thankfully I've been dealing with disordered eating long enough that I haven't fallen into destructive habits during this fucking terrible, rotten, unfair, stupid time in my life. It's a struggle to eat, everything tastes like dust. But I am eating a little bit, Chris is making sure that I do, and also that I am drinking water.

All of a sudden I am a homeowner. I am going to move into my dad's house (he lives a mile away from me currently)... packing up his things and my things and moving it all around, too overwhelming to think of right now.

I also am a dog owner. I don't know if it's the grief and stress being felt by both me and the dog, but I can't handle it right now. I don't think I will ever be able to. But I am also devastated at the thought of finding him a new home, because my dad loved the dog with all his heart and soul. He asked me if anything ever happened to him to take care of the dog. And now I am considering NOT taking care of the dog. I feel stupid and weak and selfish.

I am in a bit of trouble with my job. I travel from Monday to Friday, as you know, and I asked to be in the lab for a few weeks. The boss isn't happy, with me or Chris. Chris has to go back on the road right away next week :( :( Sad. I need to start looking for a new job, as well.... another fact that is too overwhelming to even dream of.

Finances are confusing. I don't know how to deal with it.

I am going to the funeral parlor today to make those type of decisions. Ugh.

I do have a huge support network, my friends are amazing, even people from my school made food and brought it over. I've spent the past two days with my dad's family (his brothers and such). Chris is taking care of the day to day stuff and being amazing at putting up with my fits of crying and distress.

I am not alone, but I feel the weight of this like nothing ever before. I am crushed. I miss my dad. I WANT my dad, I need him for this.... he took care of me a lot, dealt with a lot of the minutiae of life for me. I just want him back. I can't believe he is gone. His whole life is in that house, he was watching TV and food was on the table and he was just LIVING, and now he's not.... and I don't know what to do with that.

And so I go on.... barely.

Death...

So my last post, where I was sad?

Only the beginning.

I went to my dad's house after I posted that, to walk his dog and say hi. I found him dead.

Obviously, I am sad and stressed to the point I feel like puking.

My dad, I'll never see his silly smile or hear one of his beyond terrible jokes or see him read one of his stupid mystery books. Nothing. No stupid decorations for the holidays, nothing. He's gone, it's over, I'm devastated. I didn't always get along with my dad, but I loved him and he was a huge part of my life.

Not only have I lost my father, but my whole life is about to turn upside down. I relied on him for a lot of help and support. I might be moving into his house now (it is paid off) and I have a full-time dog responsibility now.

I want to run. Run, run, run, run. Hide.

I can't rest or sleep or eat or anything. Every time I close my eyes, I see it all over again. I feel wretched inside.

Writing this down helps about 1%, but I'll take whatever I can get right now.

Difficult times

I am not going into specifics for various reasons, but I needed to put this out there into the world so it doesn't all spiral out of control.

Had a very difficult morning and now am very, very sad... in that trembling, painful, I don't know how this will ever feel good again kind of way.

Before the crap went down, I weighed in at 125.2. Obviously did well this week with my food, even though I wasn't super active. No gains (in fact, a loss).

But now.... I want to feel better. I don't know how. I want to eat sugar and cheese and bread. I want to binge and purge to my heart's content until I feel like I have some control again (obviously would be VERY temporary, but I have to admit I am having those urges).

I don't want to do that. I want to behave, I want to be an adult, I want to be healthy, even when I feel this low.

I have to feel these feelings, even though it's uncomfortable.

I need to turn to something that won't hurt me *more* in order to deal with this.

I am thinking a bath and a book or going for a long walk with the dog. I know these are the right things, it is just so hard to get the motivation to do them. I am hoping that writing this down will make me feel more accountable and more desirous to do the right thing and take care of myself.

Fighting off a cold...

With sleep, lots of sleep.

I got home from work, didn't even shower (a huge necessity after work for a field archaeologist!), laid down and fell asleep for four hours.

My throat is scratchy, my glands are a little swollen, and I feel gross. The nap helped TREMENDOUSLY, but still feeling a little under the weather.

Our two night camping trip this weekend got canceled due to weather. Even though Chris is really disappointed, I can't like and say I'm not pretty glad about that. I was totally going to have to flake on it, regardless of the situation. This way, I'm not flaking out on the trip, it just isn't happening!

Going to rest for the rest of the night (wooooooo Friday...), skip out on having drinks with people or going out to the movies like we were invited to and just heal. It's a better choice.

I hope I wake up tomorrow morning feeling a little brighter and ready for the world! I would like to get some serious purposeful exercise in.

I also hope I have the guts to weigh in tomorrow morning. I legitimately don't know what to expect! I didn't have a ton of activity this week, but ate decently within my calories, and stayed about 85- 90% paleo. But I'm not feeling great, either. We will see.

Also, I get to pick up my wedding dress tomorrow!!! It is dangerous for me to have it for a full year, haha, I am thinking about asking Chris' parents if I can store it at their house (they aren't smokers and don't have pets).

Till tomorrow, stay healthy!

No one said it would be easy... (pictures and a song for you!)

And it sure isn't, but it's kind of pretty :)

I stayed in while Chris went out with our coworkers to BBQ. I have been going over calories everyday because of dinners out. Even when I am trying to be good, I still end up eating more than I want. So last night, I went to Subway, got a grilled chicken and spinach salad with all the fresh veggies and had a low calorie night last night. It was what I needed, I was starting to go to a bad, over-indulging place with my eating.

I went to bed a little hungry, which hasn't happened in a while. I like that feeling (not uncomfortably hungry, but just a twinge!).

I was a little bummed I didn't get to hang out with the crew, but it was a sacrifice I have to make regularly for my health. Eating at BBQ, hibachi, etc, etc, every night just isn't the path to healthiness!

Chris walked with me before he went to dinner to go pick up the Subway salad. We got in about a 2.5 mile walk (after digging all day! so that was good) and also got to see some cool sites along the way, like Bagg's tavern (stolen pics!):

      

I like this town. Utica has a bad rap in the rest of NY, because it is a little poorer and somewhat more rundown than your normal city. But it has some great architecture, some cute little pearls hidden away, small museums, and pretty good food! It's not the worst place to stay for work, that's for sure.

I missed out on the dinner out, but got a nice walk in with Chris - it wasn't the easy decision, but it was the right one. I got nice times out of the deal AND got to feel good about my food intake and my body (I also did some strength exercises in the hotel room!).

So the theme of this post, "no one said it would be easy" is inspired by a song by one of my favorite bands in the whole world, Cloud Cult. I definitely recommend checking them out, their music is pretty and their lyrics are gorgeous and hopeful and inspiring.

"No One Said It Would Be Easy" - Cloud Cult

you came up from the ground
from a million little pieces
you're a pretty human being
yeah you're a pretty human being, 

when it all comes crashing down
try to understand your meaning
no one said it would be easy
this living it ain't easy

and you were sewn together 
with a tapestry of molecules
a billion baby galaxies
and wide open spaces

and every thing you need is here
everything you fear is here
and it's holding you up
it just keeps holding you up

you came up from the ground
from a million little pieces 
you're a pretty human being
yeah you're pretty human being

when it all comes crashing down
try to understand your meaning
no one said it would be easy
this living it ain't easy

Walking the stairs...

We are up on the fourth floor of the hotel for work this week. It's been a slow week so far (not doing a ton on Monday and then a rain day yesterday) so Chris and I have taken to walking the stairs at the hotel! I did a little hotel room workout yesterday and also got out of the hotel for a little while to walk around the local cemetery (and got wet for my troubles, but it was worth it!).

Back to work today, things need to be made up because of the slowness so far!

I've been nursing a shoulder injury I haven't really talked about (because I don't want it to be real) but it is seeming more and more significant as the pain is not decreasing and it has been over two weeks now.

Every time I lift my arm more than parallel with the ground, my shoulder hurts pretty fiercely. If I bear weight on the shoulder in a particular way, boy do I feel it. It doesn't quite feel like the muscles, but like some attachment issue. I am assuming it is caused by the repetitive movement of digging... and because I am getting old :(. Most of the people over 30 on the crew definitely experience these sorts of repetitive movement pain by the time the fall hits in the year.

Definitely time to think about moving on from this path! I don't want to damage my joints and such.

I tried some push ups yesterday and they went pretty well, the pushing forward motion isn't what seems to be the pain, but the up and down on the side movement does hurt. I'm glad, because I like doing push ups and they are a great all over exercise.

Now I am off to get the day going, hope everyone has a great one!

Technical details: no more verification!

I had a comment yesterday that the poster would comment more on my blog if I didn't have the word verification step before commenting. I didn't even know I had had it!

I agree wholeheartedly, though. It seems like a generally useless piece of technology for personal blogs (I don't get spammed, though, so maybe that's just my feeling about it!) I often times go to comment on a blog, see that I will have to do the "word captcha" and then decide not to comment. I just want to quick drop a note and move on! I will go through the process if I really want to comment, though.

Anyway, I think I have removed it! I don't want to dissuade anyone from commenting (I really, really love getting those emails that alert me someone has commented... it makes me feel so connected :)).

Have a great day, loves!

Quick check in... physical labor!

So I am up a little... I've been hanging around 125.8 this week (as opposed to the much loved 124, haha) and now am at 126.2 this morning. Hoping it is just a fluctuation and not a slow creep back to 130.

I ate really well yesterday, stayed in my calorie range and ate very paleo. Need to get back on track with the serious exercise.... today is another day shoveling/pick axe-ing/screening out in the field, so that's good. No commuting this week!! I think that is why I was higher in weight last week: 3.5 hours in the car, barely 2 hours of physical labor.... this week is back to normal: NO car rides and 7 hours of physical work.

When the time comes for me to get a new job, a not so physical job, I have to get into the gym regularly. My body craves significant activity every day!

I will not overeat just because I have per diem and can go out to dinner every day. I will eat salads for lunch with protein to make sure I am eating vegetables. Lots of long walks with my guy, too :)

Hoping everyone out there in blogland is doing well.... I feel a certain amount of sadness for the general tone out there. Seems like a lot of people are giving up, switching up their blogs to not be weight loss blogs, making excuses, being generally unhealthy, struggling, etc etc. When I read a blog, I definitely root for that person to succeed, so I feel bummed when (a large number of) people aren't succeeding. Hoping that turns around.....

We are right before the holiday season, a time when TONS of people backslide into unhealthy behaviors. It's scary if people are doing it ALREADY!! I hope I can send positive vibes and maybe a good example into the world.... it's important to take care of our bodies.

Namaste.

A rest day was a good choice!

A rest day for my mind, that is... I still did a lot of walking and small workout, but overall, I chilled out hard.

No packing, no traveling, no prepping, no lunchbox, nothing. I woke up when I naturally woke up (no alarm, whoa!!!) and got going when I felt like it. It was quiet and easy.

I took the dog for a walk, got my oil changed, did some banking, picking up my wedding veil, and walked down to Lark Street for Lark Fest where there is music, food, vendors and art. It was a gorgeous blue-sky day and I really enjoyed walking around downtown by myself. I even picked up a piece of art by a local artist!

Then I came home, leisurely did my laundry and put all the clothes away, cleaned a massive sink of dishes, tidied up and watched some TV.

I ate super well, today, too. A light egg breakfast, sausage and asparagus for lunch, and our homemade spring rolls (sauteed in a pan, not fried). Had some lovely organic chocolate as a snack, and I am quite satisfied!

Wow, did I ever need this day. So calming :)

Now, I am just waiting to hear from Chris... he left at 3 AM this morning to start his hike, which could take anywhere from 12-15 hours. I am hoping it doesn't take too, too long and that he isn't completely wiped out when he's done! That's the reason I didn't go: I was worried I would be a worthless dishrag of a human being if I did such a demanding hike, haha.

Okay, so back to chilling out (and occasionally trying on my wedding veil ;D).

Namaste!

Rest time...

I am bowing out of a hike this weekend... and bowing out of a camping trip... and bowing out of a festival with friends.

All amazing options for the weekend. And I am choosing to spend the time at home, with my cat, eating simply, doing a little cardio and taking care of my life.

I am tired... the thought of those activities don't bring me joy right now. And I have a few busy weekends coming up at the end of September/beginning of October. I want to be rested and light and joyful for those weekends and NOT how I feel right now. I feel worn down.

I feel drained... and that is leading me to make some poor food decisions consistently... which is making me feel bloated and sick.... and so the cycle begins.

But it isn't beginning!

Chris is going on a monstrous all-day, 8-peak hike. I am going to take care of myself. I don't want to be exhausted on Sunday (whether the exhaustion is from an insane hike or from partying with friends). I just want to feel full of vigor again!

It was really hard for me to make this choice... I debated it all week and finally, at the wire, made the decision.

My ideals tell me LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST, GRAB EVERY MOMENT!!!!

My body is telling me to knock it off for a weekend! I have been losing my voice on and off all week, had a little bit of swollen glands one day, general malaise.

So, even though I am missing out on some cool experiences this weekend, I will grab them all up with both hands next weekend :)

Ice Cream

Dairy has been a huge NO for me since we started paleo in the beginning of the year and no matter what other paleo cheats I have, dairy hasn't been one of them. I've been able to a lot of my gastrointestinal distress over the years to dairy (esp. milk and ice cream).

Last night, after eating clean and paleo all day (our dinner was amazing: baked sweet potatoes scooped out and refilled with all-natural ground turkey, avocado and salsa... eaten like a taco, so tasty!), we went for a walk in Albany, looking for a treat.

Positive of that choice: four mile walk

Negative of that choice: I ate a cup and a half of ice cream!

We stopped in at Emack and Bolio's, never having been there, knowing they have great chocolates (and I will eat chocolate... try to make it paleo as often as I can, but chocolate for me, yes!). Something got into me, an old type of craving, when I saw they had pumpkin ice cream. I ordered it with some chocolate addiction ice cream. I won't lie: it was deliciously satisfying!

I am paying for it: up a pound and a half 126.4. Am putting myself on strict paleo for a while.... I am obviously making a few bad food choices!

What was kind of interesting though, I only had a bloated stomach last night.... no big bathroom troubles, no huge pain in my lower stomach, nothing. Just a full feeling when I went to bed.

I still don't think dairy is great to eat and I won't be indulging in it much at all... but it's interesting to watch my body and it's reactions to foods now, since I've been off certain foods for so long! Maybe wheat was actually the culprit for some of my stomach pain in the past... and dairy just exacerbated it?

Either way: starting the day with eggs and vegetables today and have already packed a super clean lunch for work :)

Have a great day! Peace and love :)

What to do with pulled pork leftovers?

Shepherd's pie!!

Make it paleo: make the pulled pork yourself, no BBQ sauce, just yummy broth and spices. Also: sweet potato topping!

It was seriously yummy. I had to stop myself from getting thirds :D It got Chris' seal of approval, too!!

I love being home and cooking!! 23 dollars of pork had supplied at least 8 meals for two people (not counting when Chris puts it in his eggs or has it as a snack!).

We made an Asian dish with the pork lady night, had pulled pork all weekend and shared with a friend.

This is a picture of the pork after being slow cooked for 9 hours, pre-pulling:

Back in the swing of things. We've been pretty good paleo-eaters (about 95%) and feeling good :) Home cooking, fresh food, etc. Being home in general is good for the soul!

Most paleo supermarket treat ever!

I love that these things exist. You don't often see treats made with coconut oil AND almond flour. I had to get it! Eating half of it was only 200 calories, so a pretty normal dessert splurge for me... had a little less dinner and voila!

It tasted like a baked good, the crust seemed to be some kind of chocolate pressed coconut, and the insides were fudge-y. Mmm-mmm.

So that was the end of my night last night :D

Off to work in a few, I am commuting out to Utica this week, so that means a total of 3.5 hours in the car every day.... yikes. It is so worth it to be home with Chris and our cat, though. Wouldn't trade those kitty cuddles I got this morning for anything!

Have a good one, everyone! Namaste :)

This time last year...

I was weighing in at 147 pounds. I was hiding my body, pretty sad and depressed. I was inactive and overeating. I am thankful I DID get over my fear of the scale and get on it last September and saw the damage I have done over the year. 15 pounds gained over the previous spring and summer.

Today, I am weighing in at 124.6.

Over 22 pounds gone, and I have been maintaining in this range for over a month now. Feeling pretty proud. I am not hiding my body now, I am neither sad nor depressed. I am active and eating clean. What a change!

About 15% of my body weight gone.

It hasn't been easy, exactly. Though I love eating paleo and love being active, it is a struggle to do what I know is right for me. I occasionally do not do what is right for me. But that is a small percentage of the time! I want my body to be healthy and strong. I want it to be fit and active. I want to go through life with energy and passion.

I won't let weight drag me down, not now or ever again.

Back to hiking and a "paleo" white russian

I went for a 6 mile hike today in the Adirondacks, got in some pretty awesome cardio (2000 feet of elevation in less than 2 miles... and we kind of ran up it just to test ourselves :D) and wanted to share some pictures. It was a stunningly gorgeous day:

As for the second part of my post, I had to share my drink, haha. So I allow myself a drink once in a while even when I am being as paleo as possible. I love to have a drink on a relaxing night with friends, and since I don't drink every week, I only need one drink and I get a little buzz! Nice times. I know the liquor isn't paleo, but sometimes, you make a concession :)

Anyway, last night was my chosen night. I used to LOVE White Russians, before I realized I had to give up dairy (even if I eat a little wheat now and then, I still stay away from dairy... definitely doesn't do my stomach any good).

So instead of milk, kahlua and vodka.... tada: COCONUT milk, kahlua and vodka. Delicious!! Much kinder to my lactose-intolerant self. And a shot or two of vodka is MORE than enough (I couldn't quite finish the drink, even! such a lightweight now).

So there's my weekend in a nutshell. A little drinking, relaxing and a hike. Low key and easy.

Said yes...

So cliche!

But I did it :) I paid for my wedding dress, veil, and all the undergarments and whatnot. It was a hefty price tag for this cheapskate, but not as much as I thought it was going to be!

I love it. I think I would have paid double for it! It is soft and romantic and a little different and fun! I cannot wait to share it with my fiance and with the world :D 364 days till I can do that, though, yikes! I know the year will fly by though.

I felt amazing in my dress. Even a few customers in the store complimented me! I never really know how to take it when an employee compliments me (because they are trying to sell me the dress, duh!). My future mother-in-law was super complimentary about it, saying it was perfect. And then, after I had bought the dress and gotten home, a friend from high school had happened to see me in the bridal store and facebook-ed me later about it (she didn't want to intrude). She said:

"This was legit my thought process. "Wow! That girl looks insanely beautiful in that gown. She is insane if she doesn't get it. I wonder if I should tell her... no, that's weird... wait. That looks like Jeanette!!! .. this is not the time to say hi."

Yay! I love that. I am so giddy inside :D I have this weird fear that people will talk about what a terrible dress I picked after the wedding... oh man, do I have mental demons to deal with.

But I think I love this dress so much, feel so beautiful and small and lovely in it, that it is pretty much outweighing my self-consciousness. I am sooooo ready to put it on for real!

Now, I just have to keep this body till this time next year so it fits perfectly. Motivation for sure!

I weighed in at 126 this morning. Feeling good about that. Would still like to be in the 120-125 range. I think I will get there in the next week or two. I am not traveling this week!!! That means all homemade, paleo, fresh, clean food.

The right food is so important for me, I'm glad I get this week to get back on track with it.

Had to share! Sunflower seed butter and banana muffins

My paleo sunflower seed - banana muffins, fresh out of the oven!

Sitting at home tonight and having the quietest Friday night I have had in MONTHS with my fiance and my cat :D I decided to make some paleo treats... we haven't had homemade paleo treats in months, either, because we haven't been home and so no baking for me!!

I found a recipe online for paleo banana muffins and tweaked it to my specifications (the addition of the sunflower butter really hit the right note for me!).

Couldn't keep it to myself, so here goes:

Ingredients:

3 ripe bananas

1 cup sunflower butter

1 tablespoon of honey       

1/3 cup of coconut oil (melted)       

1 tablespoon of vanilla extract       

3 eggs       

1 cup almond flour       

½ teaspoon sea salt       

1 teaspoon baking soda       

cinnamon, nutmeg, coriander, ginger

Steps:

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
2. Place muffin cups in the muffin pans. Set aside.
3. Plug in your food processor. Place coconut oil, bananas, sunflower butter, honey, vanilla extract and eggs in food processor. Close lid and process until smooth.
4. In a mixing bowl combine almond flour, baking soda and sea salt and spices to taste.
5. Incorporate both dry and wet ingredients in a mixing bowl.
6. Put the batter in muffin cup-lined muffin tins.
7. Place pans in the oven and bake fore 20-30 minutes.  (check at 15 minutes, hot ovens cook them faster)

Enjoy!

I love taking recipes off the internet and changing them up, changing the flavor profiles and seeing what happens :) It makes baking kind of exciting for me, haha! 

Different foods..

Since going paleo, I have been learning to love eating old foods I thought I hated and have tried new foods!

Old foods I've learned to love: mushrooms, tomatoes and almonds. I can't believe I didn't like the many varieties of these items. Now I eat them every day! I love farm fresh cherry tomatoes or really flavorful and colorful heirloom tomatoes, mmmm. I add mushrooms to lots of things, my eggs in the morning or finely diced to bulk out a meatloaf. Almonds used to gross me out because they didn't taste like peanuts (which isn't even a nut but I measures all nuts against the delicious amazing-ness of peanuts, haha). Now I eat almond milk, almond yogurts, and just plain old almonds in lots of ways! All these foods have amazing nutritional and health benefits and I am glad I don't leave them out anymore :D

I guess I would say I have a new appreciation for a nice cup of coffee now, too! Especially when I gave up chocolate for the month I went super strict paleo, I would enjoy a cup of really nice black coffee and love it. It was a substitute for that pleasure chemical :D Now, I will often have a cup of coffee every few days as a treat (usually in the early afternoon... I never want to be the type of person that has a hard time waking up in the morning without their coffee!!).

New foods: kombucha, sesame-based halva, using chia flour instead of breadcrumbs, flax seeds. These are just what I am thinking of away from home! I like kombucha once in a while because I used to eat a lot of yogurt, daily pretty much, and since I don't eat dairy anymore, I've been kind of missing how I felt a lot more regular with the active cultures in yogurt. Halva is a nice treat when we feel like having something sweet!

I was thinking about this because I was feeling a little full after dinner tonight and I had a few sips of kombucha to kind of get my digestion system moving along... and I remember that 6 months ago, I wouldn't even have tried the stuff!!

Looking at food in a new way has changed my life and opened up my eyes to the fact that there are TONS of different ways of eating other than the standard American diet... I can look to other cultures or just another person and learn about new foods, new preparations and new philosophies of eating!

Knowledge is power :)

Gluten free bait and switch!

Baited them in with delicious, moist, chocolate-y brownies.

Little did they know, they were gluten free!

Everyone loved them at my family BBQ and complimented me on them :D So I got to share a delicious treat with my family AND enjoy a more paleo friendly treat at a BBQ. I felt pretty good about it.

I love that in the past few years, there are more and more gluten-free/paleo/clean options for food that everyone loves. When people hear I try to eat paleo, they think I eat meat, veggies, and nuts day in and day out. But I get creative! I love my food, actually.

Just a quick little check in :)

Traveling for work with Chris this week. Pretty standard kind of week. Got to go to Wegman's and get groceries for the week, so we are eating some pretty awesome food that we got there. Great meat for lunch, almond milk yogurt, clean ingredient macaroons, etc. We also brought roasted sweet potatoes and other goodies from home. Trying our best out here away from home!

Made another wedding dress appointment for this weekend with Chris' mom. Want to see if I really love this dress. I am nervous to make a final decision!! (Also, I would never spend a ton of money on a dress.... but the little girl inside of me wishes I would, because I looooove some dresses I could never afford, haha!) But eventually, I have to make a decision. Hopefully, having my MIL with me will help. I wish I could have my actual mom with me... this is one time in my life I feel her absence quite clearly. It makes me a little sad sometimes.

But my future MIL is great and sweet and warm and giving. I can't complain... in fact, I can only be grateful for what I am gaining and not for what I have lost.

We finally asked people to be in our wedding party, too. My future SIL and my best friend in Albany (and Chris' two best friends for most of his life). They were all so warm and happy when we asked them! It left such a nice feeling in us, to know we have friends that love us :)

So ending this post on a good note!

In response.. (dress pics!)

To some comments on my last post:

There was a comment about cravings when going off paleo and trying to get back on it. I am definitely feeling that!! I am SO hungry. Insanely hungry and hungry for all the wrong things. I want bread, bread, cookies, processed processed processed junk. Thank goodness I know how amazing my body feels when I am on paleo and that is enough to ignore the stupid cravings!

But it's a struggle... won't lie about that.

And to Norma, who didn't forget I went wedding dress shopping:

It was fun!

However, the first dress I put on, I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed. I'm not used to seeing myself in those dresses. It was white and had a sparkly thing on the hip and lots of tulle (which I actually liked, but still!) and I laughed. The attendant was surprised at me for laughing and giggling so much.

I tried on about 7 dresses (and man, I am QUICK at putting on those dresses by myself.. can zip myself in and everything in less than a minute). I thought they all looked nice! I got to try on most all the dresses I wanted to...

But nothing was perfect. Little things made me not want them (way too heavy, way too big, hit me at the wrong place on my torso, etc) and I didn't fall in love with any of them.

The women in the shop were great and complimentary, saying I looked gorgeous, etc etc, haha.

I loved my profile from the side in most of the structured dresses, they made me look very small! However, from the front view, I felt very wide for some reason. The attendants and my friend told me I was crazy, I am not wide at all. But, that's the little bit of dysmorphia I do have hiding in my brain. I don't quite like myself in the mirror.

The attendant brought out one more dress, a dress I hadn't chosen to try on, saying she thought I would like it.

And, boy, did I!!!!

I immediately fell in love and couldn't stop looking at myself and twirling around in it. It's awesome. I didn't buy it, though! My mother in law is coming this weekend and she is going to look at it with me. I just want one more opinion (and mayyyyybe to try on some more dresses :D :D :D).

So, I will show you some pictures of me trying on dresses (these are dresses I am definitely NOT getting, so it doesn't matter if Chris sees them haha):

Loved this so much, almost perfect, but it is high in the front and shows my leg... not the look I am going for!

GORGEOUS, but it was SO SO SO heavy, couldn't move!

Also pretty, but toooo big (see in the mirror reflection how it just blooms out like a mushroom haha)

Loved this ALSO (sense a theme?) but the skirt wasn't quite killing it

Thought I looked pretty in this, but it's not my style exactly!

So now you see the no's. The possible yes will stay hidden!

Damage control

Alright, I have a confession to make... I went totally off paleo last week at work. Dinners out with bread, processed candy at lunch, I could go on and on. And I didn't tell you what I weighed on Friday... 128.

Technically, not bad. But since I've been riding 124 for almost a month steadily (I don't tend to fluctuate too much day to day), the four pound gain was pretty shocking. I was hoping it was repercussions for going off paleo and NOT actual four pounds of fat, yikes. There was no way I ate 14,000 extra calories last week!!

So, back on track, went completely paleo this labor day weekend and tracked my calories very carefully. I didn't get in any exercise for a number of stupid reasons.

But getting my eating on plan was enough. Yesterday I weighed in at 127 and today I am at 125.

Lessons learned!!

I am eating this way for a reason. My body likes this. It doesn't inflame or bloat with paleo. It is happy and healthy when I feed it clean!

Off to another week traveling for work (no bread at restaurants for me this time! :D)

Tomorrow: wedding dress shopping

I am not a girly girl. And even though I have learned to dress feminine and behave with a modicum of femininity, I still am basically a tomboy. Chris calls me a tomboy all the time! I do prefer to be in athletic clothes and dirty than anything else!

But, I clean up pretty nice :) The past month, we've had several opportunities to get dressed up. I like more of the fun/funky style tops paired with short shorts or tighter dresses (nothing skin tight!) that are fun colors or designs.

I don't really do the high-heeled thing. Mostly because when we DO go out, we are walking, walking, walking to avoid drunk driving. I flip-flop the hell out of my outfits.

So, my girly side is comfortable with tomorrow's appointment to try on wedding dresses, that side is pretty much dying of excitement! My tomboy side cannot even IMAGINE what those dresses will look like on me and is horrified at the whole situation of having someone help me into big froofy white dresses.

The old, insecure, sad, fat girl inside of me is pretty sure that I am going to look like a sad, short, stocky little marshmallow.

I look at the pictures of the wedding dresses and the women modeling them are tall and thin and (usually) gorgeous. I am having a hard time seeing those dresses on me! Nervous for the reality of it tomorrow.

Now, despite these fears and anxieties, I think I am going to really go for it as far as styles, hahaha. I looooooove the church I am getting married in, it seems romantic and straight out of a fantasy novel, so I want a dress to match the mood. I want something dramatic and romantic and whimsical and and and...... you get the point :)

These are all from David's Bridal and ones I plan to try on, yikes! (I won't show the dress that I end up picking on my blog because Chris sometimes reads this!)

So, yep. Super girly. WOMANLY, I should say. Way out of my comfort zone. 

But I so want to feel romantic and beautiful and feminine on my wedding day. I think a dress like these would help me feel the part.

I'll let you all know how the appointment goes. I hope the person helping me is nice and comforting!

Brazillian BBQ

Possibly the most paleo-friendly dining experience I have ever had.

The salad bar was out of this world: roasted beets, tons of different kinds of salad and vegetables, fritattas, prawns, roast beef... no kidding.

Then they come to your table with lots of roasted meats (lamb, pork, shrimp, etc etc). I got to pick and choose what and how much meat I ate. So fun! I mostly tasted one slice of each thing, unless it really didn't appeal to me.

Fun!

We are now off to the farmer's market this morning to pick up something delicious and paleo-friendly for the BBQ we are going to today!

It might be a holiday weekend full of BBQs and eating, but I am going to do it MY way :D