Coincidence?

So.

I stopped obsessively tracking and worrying about every single piece of food I had/was/would put in my mouth. I relaxed, I actively tried to let the obsession go. (Though in a healthy way where I don't just start piling on the weight)

My therapist asked "What would you do with your time if you stopped obsessing over food?"

She made the point that I was putting off meaningful conversation to obsess about party food, that I was being vain when vanity is an unattractive personality trait to me, that I was occupying my time with weight and food and body image to distract from REAL life.

And this is my only life.

So I tried really hard to let a lot of the obsessions go (not perfect, I realize I am still in danger of falling into old cycles and habits)... but I am trying, I am working.

And what happened?

Life happened!!!

I am SO BUSY - busy with school, with writing, with teaching, with my new contract job, with my husband, with my friends, with my dog and horse and cat. There is ALWAYS something to be done, things I am excited and pleased to do (even if it is work!).

What was I so scared of?

What was I so anxious of?

The reality of this life being my only chance, the reality of the FRAGILITY of this life, it made me want to stop wasting time.

Yes, I want a strong, healthy, fit, trim body. I value that. That's why I am working on mindfulness and recognizing hunger and fullness. That's why I still stay active, walk, do yoga, workout, hike. That's why I keep my food clean and paleo and whole and moderate.

But I want this life, too. I want that balance that has alluded me up until now - my 32nd year.

As a young adult, I was fat and avoiding life. As a 20-something, I was thin and avoiding life. I'm finally learning to stop avoiding life. To fully immerse - it's what seemed so impossible when I was a young, hurt, scared, shy, overweight woman.

So is it a coincidence that life really bloomed when I let go of the obsession?

I don't think so :)