Thursday, April 24, 2014



I stopped obsessively tracking and worrying about every single piece of food I had/was/would put in my mouth. I relaxed, I actively tried to let the obsession go. (Though in a healthy way where I don't just start piling on the weight)

My therapist asked "What would you do with your time if you stopped obsessing over food?"

She made the point that I was putting off meaningful conversation to obsess about party food, that I was being vain when vanity is an unattractive personality trait to me, that I was occupying my time with weight and food and body image to distract from REAL life.

And this is my only life.

So I tried really hard to let a lot of the obsessions go (not perfect, I realize I am still in danger of falling into old cycles and habits)... but I am trying, I am working.

And what happened?

Life happened!!!

I am SO BUSY - busy with school, with writing, with teaching, with my new contract job, with my husband, with my friends, with my dog and horse and cat. There is ALWAYS something to be done, things I am excited and pleased to do (even if it is work!).

What was I so scared of?

What was I so anxious of?

The reality of this life being my only chance, the reality of the FRAGILITY of this life, it made me want to stop wasting time.

Yes, I want a strong, healthy, fit, trim body. I value that. That's why I am working on mindfulness and recognizing hunger and fullness. That's why I still stay active, walk, do yoga, workout, hike. That's why I keep my food clean and paleo and whole and moderate.

But I want this life, too. I want that balance that has alluded me up until now - my 32nd year.

As a young adult, I was fat and avoiding life. As a 20-something, I was thin and avoiding life. I'm finally learning to stop avoiding life. To fully immerse - it's what seemed so impossible when I was a young, hurt, scared, shy, overweight woman.

So is it a coincidence that life really bloomed when I let go of the obsession?

I don't think so :)


  1. Well, those things would've happened anyhow. BUT, you might not have looked at it as life 'blooming', had you not let go of the obsessions. Or put them on the back burner. By focusing on other things, you are able to be better present and enjoy those other things. :)

  2. Love it! And Gwen is totally right :)

  3. I definitely am looking at this busy-ness in a better light since I am feeling generally more free... I also think that my looking outward instead of being kind of self-obsessed has opened up some awesome new opportunities for me (esp. this job and some school stuff!)

  4. Looking outward ....being positive ....that's great.

    All the best Jan

  5. You got to work and got rid of your weight
    You learned how to maintain
    Now you are doing your inner work
    Whole person approach.

    Really important.

    As I read I was thinking of how many times I have read this type of post written by someone who never got to goal and is regaining. It is like a justification in their mind for why they are regaining - have to get back to living my real life.

    What you did was change your real life so it supports what you want.

    I get this post on so many levels, because my ability to live IN my life, be present, has changed hugely.

    1. Absolutely- the real work is in finding health in a balance of life. Not having only health and not giving up health for the rest of life

  6. I'm thrilled for you - yes, now that is what life is about. You are sounding so much better than a few weeks ago.