Pretty disappointed in myself. Bleh.
Chris came home last night with a bag of Halloween candy. I wasn't going to give out candy so that *I* wouldn't be tempted.
I had just spent hours doing things that needed to get done, then I went downstairs and cooked and cleaned for an hour... and Chris came home and all hell broke loose: dog went nuts, Chris knocked a picture off the wall and it broke, trick or treaters rang the doorbell, and I felt overwhelmed and crazy.
So I ate a stupid, processed, dumb, awful Reese's peanut butter cup.
And then an Almond Joy.
And then I went to my friends house and ate a cupcake.
I was overemotional, eating out of stress, eating to relieve anxiety.
It was disorded. I felt right back into full swing disorded eating territory. I felt crazy.
(Now: just in case Chris reads this, I will say I would rather him come home and set my life all spinning and nutty than not have him there at all! ... I am just incapable of dealing with stress right now and that's my fault, not his!)
Anyway. I felt really bad about my behavior and myself.
I just feel like I CAN'T do it. The dog pees in the house no matter HOW right I take care of him, how out of my way I go to make sure he is walked late at night and let out early in the morning and I take his water away at 7 PM and UHHGHGHGHGHG. I can't take care of this stupid dog and I am trying so hard to feel love and compassion for the dog and NOT like he is just the hugest problem in this world.
How can I take care of my life? I can barely take care of the dog and get anything else in my life done (fixing the house, writing my dissertation, etc). How did I ever think I could be a full fledged grown up and take care of things? I'm falling apart.
I don't want to eat to soothe myself.
And I haven't been! Not since I found my dad on Sept. 22nd. I didn't emotionally eat through any of my immediate grief and stress. So why last night? Why, why, why. Damn it.
Is this blog going to become a record about my slow descent into insanity? Hope not.
Hope you don't continue reading me into next year to see me gain weight, withdrawn, mentally sick and isolated, not having accomplished anything but high levels of stress and the inability to deal with it.
I hope I can find a way to swing this around the other way.