Thursday, November 1, 2012

Broke that promise to myself...

Pretty disappointed in myself. Bleh.

Chris came home last night with a bag of Halloween candy.  I wasn't going to give out candy so that *I* wouldn't be tempted.

I had just spent hours doing things that needed to get done, then I went downstairs and cooked and cleaned for an hour... and Chris came home and all hell broke loose: dog went nuts, Chris knocked a picture off the wall and it broke, trick or treaters rang the doorbell, and I felt overwhelmed and crazy.

So I ate a stupid, processed, dumb, awful Reese's peanut butter cup.

And then an Almond Joy.

And then I went to my friends house and ate a cupcake.

And cheese.

And Kitkats.

I was overemotional, eating out of stress, eating to relieve anxiety.

It was disorded. I felt right back into full swing disorded eating territory. I felt crazy.

(Now: just in case Chris reads this, I will say I would rather him come home and set my life all spinning and nutty than not have him there at all! ... I am just incapable of dealing with stress right now and that's my fault, not his!)

Anyway. I felt really bad about my behavior and myself.

I just feel like I CAN'T do it. The dog pees in the house no matter HOW right I take care of him, how out of my way I go to make sure he is walked late at night and let out early in the morning and I take his water away at 7 PM and UHHGHGHGHGHG. I can't take care of this stupid dog and I am trying so hard to feel love and compassion for the dog and NOT like he is just the hugest problem in this world.

How can I take care of my life? I can barely take care of the dog and get anything else in my life done (fixing the house, writing my dissertation, etc). How did I ever think I could be a full fledged grown up and take care of things? I'm falling apart.

I don't want to eat to soothe myself.

And I haven't been! Not since I found my dad on Sept. 22nd. I didn't emotionally eat through any of my immediate grief and stress. So why last night? Why, why, why. Damn it.

Is this blog going to become a record about my slow descent into insanity? Hope not.

Hope you don't continue reading me into next year to see me gain weight, withdrawn, mentally sick and isolated, not having accomplished anything but high levels of stress and the inability to deal with it.

I hope I can find a way to swing this around the other way.


  1. Grief is a very funny thing. It can strike in the most unexpected ways and times. I can promise you that it does change eventually and really all you can do is the best you can right at the moment you're in.

    Having said that, you don't need extra stress and it sounds like the dog is that. Would you ever consider letting the dog go?

    1. Ohhhhh I have more than considered it.

      I don't know if I ever could though. I would feel like a selfish, selfish jerk if I gave him away. He didn't do anything, he didn't ask for this, it's not his fault :( Also, he was my dad's beloved dog... my dad worried to me over the past year "What would happen to Koda if I died?? Who would take care of him?!" and I would promise my dad that I would do it, of course. I didn't realize how soon it would be and how unprepared I was :(

  2. Koda is well aware of his loss, I'm guessing the peeing is his way of expressing his sadness/discomfort. Dogs are smart, and more perceptive then we will ever know. Give him a break, he's grieving too. Continue to give him the love that you are, and things will return to normal shortly.

    Two months ago our cat wondered off and died. Our dog never paid attention to the cat. For two weeks after her disappearance, our dog threw up everyday. I couldn't figure out what his problem was, then I put it all together. Turns out he was aware of the cat all along.

  3. Oh babe, I'm guessing that your whole household is grieving and just showing it in different ways.

    I'm not sure getting rid of the dog permanently would be a good choice, and could lead to a guilt-trip later, but have you considered a temporary break? To be fair, don't know how, or if that might help.

    Try to hang in there, and make time and space to be kind to yourself in ways which matter to you.

    Hugs from the UK

  4. Jeanette - You & I are more alike than we both ever realized. Your blog will not be proof of your insanity. Your blog will be proof of your preserverance and your strength! You have to allow yourself to grieve and mourn. It's ok to slow down every once in a while and just take a damn breath. And accept help when it is offered to you - something I'm struggling to do now for myself.

  5. Dog issues like that just suck. One of my dogs was such a ditz, she would forget she was supposed to go outside. It's very likely stress related for the dog given your loss, but have you had Koda checked to confirm he doesn't have a urinary tract infection? He might not be able to help himself. Second, I would strongly recommend you start crating him. That's what I did with my ditzy dog. A midday break helps but a crate should take care of peeing while you're not home. If he still does it when you are home, that's a whole 'nother behavioral issue. It can seem mean to close them up all day, but crates can be a godsend.

    We're rooting for you :)