When will my body image catch up with my body?
I am sure I drive my boyfriend nuts because I am still so self-conscious and unsure about my body, what clothes to wear, if I look good, etc, etc.
I had a really good body-image morning at the gym. I liked catching a glance of myself in the mirror while I worked out. But it is so changeable! Two days before, I wasn't liking the reflection so much.... and it is not like my body has changed drastically in two days, or at all.
It's a decade-long struggle at this point. Whether I was fat, losing weight, maintaining or what-have-you, I can't seem to just love my body.
I was talking to Chris last night, letting him know that my goal of 129 is still the big goal, but I don't want to try to go into maintenance till I am 125 lbs. He was worried, because I have a long history of bad body image and disordered eating, that I might take weight loss too far. He asked me if I love my body, can I love it right now, as it is?
I actually think that yes, I can.
I also think I am going to continue to struggle with lapses of self-confidence and struggle with seeing my body as it really is. I am hoping I am long, long past the point where I am angry at or hate my body.
The only thing that concerns me is that I probably wouldn't love my body ten pounds heavier... and that seems wrong. Why shouldn't I love it even if I weighed more? To me, the weight gained would represent that I am out of control and have lost my sense of purpose. It would represent negative things. I need to take some time to think long and hard about loving myself, regardless.
This is the main reason I have this blog. To get this stuff out there. To be accountable for it. To not retreat into my own head and be unreasonable about my body.
I just wish it wasn't such a struggle.