That's my current situation... but, as the year comes to an end, I can't help but think of it as a whole.
My 2014? I am hesitant to describe this year (or any year) as good or bad.
It just was my year, it was my life and is inextricably bound to who I am right now.
Do I wish things had gone better? Easier? Definitely. But that didn't happen and there is not much point to looking backwards now.
I am ending this year in a place I didn't think I would be - in an unsatisfactory job, not as finished with my dissertation as I would have liked, financially unsecure. Nervous about the future.
But, I am also ending this year wiser than when I started it, stronger. I got through a scary sickness (remember when I ended up in the hospital, having bled out internally for several days at home in January without knowing it?? Crazy). I got through unemployment. My family (on both sides!) has come to my rescue more than I deserve, making me an incredibly lucky woman. My relationship with my husband is deeper and better all the time - I love him so much :). I have climbed over a dozen Adirondack High Peaks this year (when I hadn't even planned on any!). My house went through several huge projects and is as close to being updated as I could ever have dreamed, haha. I am a few pounds lighter than when I began the year, in really good health and pretty good shape!
I've had tough times, rough times, over my life - and of course I wish they hadn't happened (especially the too-soon deaths of my parents) - but, since I know I cannot change reality, I must accept what has come before as making me who I am today. Just as I wouldn't change all the beautiful things that have happened to me, either. It has all been important. Everything has been a lesson.
And I am feeling rather... at peace with myself. Getting more confident. Feeling balanced.
I am getting better at looking at the now. Not obsessing about the past and future - because the past is unchangeable and the future is unknowable. The now is where joy is :) I'm not perfect at this practice, but getting better with time.
Suffering is a part of life, and as Thich Nhat Hanh said - when you learn how to suffer, you suffer much less. I used to let the suffering near destroy me. Now, I know there is much I can learn from the hard times, the things that seem unfair.
This year has reinforced the tough lesson I've been learning for a while now - life is beautiful, in all the light and all the darkness. It is all part of one and I am glad to be here :)
Namaste, my friends. I hope you find peace.