Good or Bad Year?

I wanted to do a general end-of-year wrap up post in case I don't get much of a chance to post in the next couple of days. Things are a little crazy as we prepare for the end of year celebration, I'm a little tired (STILL sore from my crazy workout Saturday - I am definitely going back, I haven't felt that worked out in a long time). My Grandma is also back in the hospital... I am scared that she might not come home this time. She is such an incredible, sweet woman and I just get so sick at the thought of maybe not seeing her anymore. But, she is saying she will be going home :) So, I will hope for the best, keep visiting with her, and give her my love. It's all I can do.

That's my current situation... but, as the year comes to an end, I can't help but think of it as a whole.

My 2014? I am hesitant to describe this year (or any year) as good or bad.

It just was my year, it was my life and is inextricably bound to who I am right now.

Do I wish things had gone better? Easier? Definitely. But that didn't happen and there is not much point to looking backwards now.

I am ending this year in a place I didn't think I would be - in an unsatisfactory job, not as finished with my dissertation as I would have liked, financially unsecure. Nervous about the future.

But, I am also ending this year wiser than when I started it, stronger. I got through a scary sickness (remember when I ended up in the hospital, having bled out internally for several days at home in January without knowing it?? Crazy). I got through unemployment. My family (on both sides!) has come to my rescue more than I deserve, making me an incredibly lucky woman. My relationship with my husband is deeper and better all the time - I love him so much :). I have climbed over a dozen Adirondack High Peaks this year (when I hadn't even planned on any!). My house went through several huge projects and is as close to being updated as I could ever have dreamed, haha. I am a few pounds lighter than when I began the year, in really good health and pretty good shape!

I've had tough times, rough times, over my life - and of course I wish they hadn't happened (especially the too-soon deaths of my parents) - but, since I know I cannot change reality, I must accept what has come before as making me who I am today. Just as I wouldn't change all the beautiful things that have happened to me, either. It has all been important. Everything has been a lesson.

And I am feeling rather... at peace with myself. Getting more confident. Feeling balanced.

I am getting better at looking at the now. Not obsessing about the past and future - because the past is unchangeable and the future is unknowable. The now is where joy is :) I'm not perfect at this practice, but getting better with time.

Suffering is a part of life, and as Thich Nhat Hanh said - when you learn how to suffer, you suffer much less. I used to let the suffering near destroy me. Now, I know there is much I can learn from the hard times, the things that seem unfair.

This year has reinforced the tough lesson I've been learning for a while now - life is beautiful, in all the light and all the darkness. It is all part of one and I am glad to be here :)

  

 

Namaste, my friends. I hope you find peace.