Christmas Eve. Not doing so well with the not drinking alcohol thing.
I really think a little less of myself for relying on the numbing effect of alcohol.... but wow, can't seem to give it up.
I am not overeating at the holiday festivities at all. But I sure am consuming a lot of wine I don't need (or shouldn't need!).
It's been a tough week emotionally, and I've been surrounding myself with friends and the inevitable alcohol that comes with social gatherings. And I have been partaking a lot. And I feel vaguely addictive about it... I am drinking it because it helps me forget why I'm sad, because it helps me to stay in the moment and laugh with my friends.
Hm.
Going to my cousin's tonight for some family time.
Going to my uncle's tomorrow.
Tomorrow, Christmas, I am going to eat a sweet bread my dad had made and froze before he died. I am going to go to his and my mother's grave and put flowers down. I am going to have a Christmas completely bereft of all the traditions I am used to. And I am going to cry. And I am going to attempt not to numb myself with wine, because it's important to feel that sadness. I am sad because I love them and want them here with me now. That's not a feeling I want to bury.
Enjoy your families, hug them close this holiday!
Good thoughts coming your way, Jeannette, and it's good that you are feeling this conflict about alcohol before it gets to be a bigger issue. Do whatever you have to do to remind yourself that numbing pain only prolongs pain.
ReplyDeleteI love what you're doing to honor your parents today. I have, in my refrig, two jars of pickled stuffed peppers that my dad bought on his last-ever food shopping trip (he did the grocery shopping in my family) and gave to me just a month or so before he died. I will keep them forever.