Thursday, December 20, 2012

There's so much energy in us....

And I believe it.

"We' re so close to it, so very close to it.
We still have energy in us."

- The Arrival: There's So Much Energy In us

The title is a lyric from a Cloud Cult song. If ever you need to FEEL, feel hope, feel love, feel sorrow, whatever, this is a good band to get that across.

We have SO MUCH in ourselves. We are capable of love and health and passion in our lives. I know it is in me. I've done it. I'm doing it. I'm trying.

One scale read me at 124 today, the other at 128. Truthfully, I would be happy with either, or somewhere in the middle. Was active the last three days in the field and with the dog. Ate clean 90% of the time (I had a mint brownie yesterday, no regrets, but less brownies and more broccoli would be ideal).

With the holidays are coming an impending sense of dread. I miss my dad. I fucking miss my dad so much.

The last three days have seen some pretty awful, down on the floor, painful crying fits.

I want my dad here. He loved Christmas. I was going to help him put up the tree and we were going to get together on Christmas morning and I was going to help him cook so he could relax more and just enjoy.

None of that is going to happen.

There is no Christmas tree.

I really, really hate this Christmas without my dad. He would have loved it.


Now I am crying again. Okay. Damn it.

So, another Cloud Cult song, called The Lessons- The Exploding People:

Building up a belly full of bumble bees.
Pushing down the pain like it's a quarantine.
Baby, sing in choir 'til your tongue falls out,
cuz if you hold it all in it'll all fall out.
And one by one, the people, they explode.

The past aint ever gonna re-come.
So do what you do, cuz what's done is done.
Beat out the pain with a kick drum.
Can't escape from yourself unless you don't run.
And one by one, the people, they explode.

You are your own poison.
You are your own doctor.
You are your own saviour.
You are your own cure.

One by one the people they explode.

You never see the present, cuz you're always looking back.
Or counting down the seconds to your heart attack.
Bottle it up, and the bottle goes crack.
Do what you do, cuz you can't come back.
And one by one, the people, they explode.


And I don't want to explode. I am letting it out. I am crying. I am hurting. I can't hold it in. I am grateful to have a sounding board like this to let it out. I don't always feel free to show people in my life the pain on my face...

So, these are my days, this is my life. I am trying.

I am reading all of your blogs. Forgive me for not commenting too much, I can rarely get my blog reader to work and when I do, I am often tired at the end of the day. I love you all. Be safe.

1 comment:

  1. Dear For Life, I am new to your blog and I just wanted to say "hugs"... I remember when I lost my mom and the first Christmas was so hard. We had so many traditions... It's okay to be sad and mourn them...

    I remember my sister and I sitting in a restaurant our first Christmas without my mom. We just couldn't celebrate without her and then I remember looking around at my kids and my nieces and knew my mom wouldn't want that for us... so we gave ourselves permission that year and afterwards, we carried on her traditions. It was a way to have her near.