Friday, December 7, 2012

Grief was the reason I got fat in the first place....

All of you out there, who read or comment or offer support in any shape, you make a difference!

Even that one short moment where I am reading a comment, I smile. And that's enough. Knowing that someone took the time out of their day to offer me a bit of warmth... it's amazing.

So thank you!

I still think about weight, am concerned about health, and mourn the loss of my fitness.

Yet my posts are very much about mental health right now. Which, I suppose, is important. People don't get fat just because they like food. There is always something else going on.

I started to gain weight when I was 10.

My mom died when I was 10.

Big surprise, right?

I was devastated, though I didn't go through a normal grieving process... because I was 10, my family was in upheaval, and I turned to food to find some solace. I never knew what it was like to be healthy until I was in my mid-20s. I lost a whole childhood to grief.

I am grieving now.

But I am ACTUALLY grieving. Feeling all the emotions. Literally knocked to my knees somedays by how insanely sad I am.

And fitness has gone on the back burner.

I am hoping the difference this time: I won't eat for solace. I won't get fat because I cannot deal with this grief.

I am dealing with this grief. I am feeling every horrible minute of it. I do realize it is slowly losing its intensity. Someday, it won't be so hard.

I find it kind of... a strange coincidence that I got fat when my mom died, and the year I start writing a weight loss blog, my dad dies.

It is going to be different this time.

I will honor my parents by being a success. By being strong and loving. By trying really, really hard. I want them to be proud of me.


  1. So sorry for your loss. So proud that you are taking the time to grieve and are not turning to food. Work on your mental health right now and the fitness part will come back when you are ready.

  2. That is a great way to look at it, Jeanette. I feel the same way about my choices to be active & healthy being a way to honor my parents.

  3. Aw I am so sorry for your loss but happy to hear that you are honoring your Dad's memory via health and eventually, a return to happiness. Best wishes.

  4. I really need to get better about keeping up with the blogs because there's so much I want to comment on... Better late than never right? It WILL be different this time because YOU are different this time. As a child, you didn't know how to handle your emotions. As an adult who found a healthy lifetyle, you know the things to avoid and how to work through your feelings. I know you won't let yourself gain weight again because you're finding strength in going through the motions, posting, working, and getting all that negativity out there. ((HUGS))