Grief was the reason I got fat in the first place....

All of you out there, who read or comment or offer support in any shape, you make a difference!

Even that one short moment where I am reading a comment, I smile. And that's enough. Knowing that someone took the time out of their day to offer me a bit of warmth... it's amazing.

So thank you!

I still think about weight, am concerned about health, and mourn the loss of my fitness.

Yet my posts are very much about mental health right now. Which, I suppose, is important. People don't get fat just because they like food. There is always something else going on.

I started to gain weight when I was 10.

My mom died when I was 10.

Big surprise, right?

I was devastated, though I didn't go through a normal grieving process... because I was 10, my family was in upheaval, and I turned to food to find some solace. I never knew what it was like to be healthy until I was in my mid-20s. I lost a whole childhood to grief.

I am grieving now.

But I am ACTUALLY grieving. Feeling all the emotions. Literally knocked to my knees somedays by how insanely sad I am.

And fitness has gone on the back burner.

I am hoping the difference this time: I won't eat for solace. I won't get fat because I cannot deal with this grief.

I am dealing with this grief. I am feeling every horrible minute of it. I do realize it is slowly losing its intensity. Someday, it won't be so hard.

I find it kind of... a strange coincidence that I got fat when my mom died, and the year I start writing a weight loss blog, my dad dies.

It is going to be different this time.

I will honor my parents by being a success. By being strong and loving. By trying really, really hard. I want them to be proud of me.