Some wedding plans!

Most of the big details of the wedding are already covered (venue, church, caterer, florist.... aaaand I have a pretty good idea of what I want my dress to be!).

I wanted to share the awesome times with you all, to let you know my stress over this isn't total... I am enjoying it, too!

So, we are getting married in this romantic, medieval-looking, fantasy novel type of church. I am in LOVE with it. I am not even very religious in the traditional sense but this church is for every denomination and type of person. Love!

Here are some pictures (not mine) of the church and the inside of the church:

And this is a picture of the fireplace inside the church, in the back... I hope to have candles in it much like this:

                                 

The venue is an Adirondack summer camp which does weddings in the off-season. I thought it would be cheap/cheesy looking but it is AWESOME. And the plus: my friends can stay in the cabins for 15 dollars a person, which is cheap for them AND they don't have to drive after the reception. Complete win. Total dream. I've always wanted my wedding to just be one humongous party, and this way, it can be! 

Not great pictures, taken with my phone, but here is the venue:

Unpretentious and cute, rustic and fun... everything I've dreamed of!

Huge, wide open space for party times... super rustic and lovely

The lake outside the reception hall!

So, nice times. I AM excited.

There is continued stress (such as his mom asking millions of questions and my dad being a baby and pouting about leaving Albany to get to the wedding) and continued coping with stress. Last night, I went for a four mile walk with Chris. Today, I beat the hell out of my excavation unit with a pick-ax. :D

Going to start gathering addresses for the save the dates (damn this digital age, I never write down anyone's address!). Also, some serious wedding dress looking at times are coming!

Namaste :)

Slight improvement

I put the kibosh on some of the intense tailspin behaviors I was exhibiting. But things aren't perfect (because I'm not perfect!).

Traveling another week this week, with Chris though, so that's good :)

The hotel has a great breakfast that we get comped (it's usually 9 dollars) and we get real, fresh eggs, fruit, vegetables, and meats. So I am definitely eating a totally paleo breakfast.

Lunch is easy, we buy groceries from the store ahead of time and eat paleo and healthy.

Dinner... >.< We went to Indian buffet last night (augh!). I ate a piece of naan. And definitely some cream sauces. And a doughball dessert.

My scale isn't here. I'll find out the damage I've done on the weekend. Thank God for the three day weekend, I want those three days to reboot, reset, and be completely paleo, no temptations!

Tailspinning...

So I am in a bit of a non-paleo eating tailspin.

Four days in a row, each a little worse than the last.

Today: 3 M&M cookies. Yikes.

I am stressed about this wedding, have already had a bit of family drama (which I hate and it makes me want to hide). I thought I was immune from wedding planning stress/drama.... but I'm not :(

So I am making this accountability post before I go grocery shopping for the week.

Got to keep in check, nip this in the bud before I end up somewhere I will regret.

Guilty of State Fair Indulgence

This post will have graphic confessions of food indulgences, so be warned if that triggers you to want to eat!

I went to the state fair in Syracuse last night. Firstly, I had a fantastic time! I went with four of my co-workers (two of whom are good friends outside of work). We rode some rides, walked through all the animal barns, people watched, and of course -- ate some fried food.

One of my co-workers is an EATER. A serious, unhealthy eater. He had a "meat sundae" and a bacon wrapped hot dog in a doughnut bun. Among other things. Crazy!!

Now for my confessions:

I ate two fried oreos, a bite of fried twinkie, sweet potato fries, an ounce of fudge and a wine slushie.

>.<

They were all purposeful indulgences, though. I did that. I ate vegetable soup before we left for the fair, I wasn't HUNGRY when I ate those things. I just wanted them. (I was a little hungry when I ate the fries, which is why I ate them even though they weren't very good!).

I waited all week to go to the fair. Was good all week because I wanted to eat some fried treats. Now that I have, hmmm... I don't regret it, but I realize it wasn't the best decision to make for myself.

But here I am, at a healthy weight, at the lowest weight I've ever been at, and I am testing the waters to see where that balance is for me.

What is too much?

I'll learn by trial and error.

But I won't ever get back to the bad place I was in before, that's a promise!

Posting during lunch, current weight

Eating lunch out in the field! Chris packed an awesome, paleo, healthy lunch for me -- so grateful!

Wanted to check in with my weight: 124.8 this morning.

Maintaining superstar!

I can barely believe that I found the lifestyle that works for me, it always seemed like a faraway dream.

I'd like to see 120 someday, got to get back into regular cardio training!

Home! And food poisoning!

So, shortly after I wrote my last post, I ended up curled up in bed, clutching my stomach.

My stomach turned rock hard and was churning insanely. I eventually threw up (twice). Ugh.

I am thinking it was contaminated veggies in the salad (pre-made salad from a grocery store).

What a payoff for staying home and eating healthy, huh?! Oh well, not jaded by it :D I am recovered now, though the night and morning was pretty painful/uncomfortable. Got my appetite back, ate local grass-fed beef, cherry tomatoes and beets from our farm share (thanks to my man for cooking dinner for me when I got home).

So, took the long drive home from work. So worth it. I spent an hour cleaning up my room, got my checkbook balances, uploaded pictures from my camera, charged my camera, and got all my clothes and stuff ready for the weekend trip.

Need to get up super early to get to work on time tomorrow, but I won't think about that at this very moment!

Life is spinning around quickly. I need to take some time to meditate or do yoga so I can slow down and enjoy life rather than rushing through it.

Cuddling on the couch with Chris tonight, watching bad TV and having some coconut milk ice cream is a good start :D

Eating in my hotel room alone..

All my co-workers are going out to Indian buffet tonight. So delicious. Such a mine-field of disaster possibilities. Pakora. Naan. Tikka masala. Creamy sauces. Rice pudding. 

So I declined to go.

I am eating a salad and the least additive-filled microwavable soup I could find. I also bought a dark chocolate bar so I can have a little treat tonight.

It's not easy. It doesn't always feel good to do the right thing. I am a tad lonely, dinner would have been some nice socialization time, but I know I make bad decisions at the Indian buffet (I tried it with the co-workers just before I left for vacation).

But I am doing it willingly. It will pay off. It IS paying off. I don't hate my body. That's so incredibly important to me after hating my body for most of my life.

I am also doing some hotel room exercises, like seeing how long I can hold my plank and then trying to beat that time (inspired by Kelly!).

I am looking forward to tomorrow. I am driving myself home after work (a bit of a long drive) and I get to see Chris, eat dinner with him, get my life back together, etc. I need that time soooo much. Then I have to drive back out to the site on Thursday morning by 8:30 AM (because that's the time the people who stay in the hotel get there, oy.) But all that driving and early morning time will be worth it. I need a hug from my guy :)

Pictures!

Here is a picture of me in Garibaldi Provincial Park, showing off the muscles :D

Chris and I by one of the awesome mountain ranges just south of Lilooet... my butt is pretty intense in this picture, whoa!

Chilling out on our balcony overlooking Vancouver (amazing views all day and night!)

And finally, me with a whiskey jack bird in my hand... super awesome!!

Traveling again this week, once again without Chris. AUGH. Drove my own car, though, and I am going to go home on Wednesday. I haven't had any time at home in over a month and my life is exploding all over my house. And I am leaving again RIGHT AWAY once I get home on Friday to go down to the city and then up to the Adirondacks on Saturday (freaking out).

I really, really need a weekend at home. Or a week at home. I want to stop traveling just for a moment, both work and fun, haha. I miss my animals most of all. I also miss taking care of business at home, simple stuff like laundry and bills. I want it to be simple for a little while and not constantly planning, planning, planning in advance.

I used my per diem today to buy lunch and dinner for the week, so I don't have to spend any of it later in the week. Breakfasts are free in the hotel (I eat hard boiled eggs and fruit). Staying as paleo as I can this week since I feel a little tiny bit bad about the amount of alcohol I consumed over the weekend.

I won't let a busy, crazy life derail me! Back on track hardcore this week :D

Cabins and nice times!

Had an amazing weekend!

The party I went to is a huge gathering of our friends, we all stay in cabins and play music all weekend (tons of musicians in this group, there are several bands and DJs that play from about 2 PM to 6 AM!).

I had a phenomenal time!

Lots of dancing, riding my bike around to all the cabins, lots of conversation, sleeping in a cozy little one room cabin with Chris. :)

I got a decent amount of sleep for this type of a weekend. Last year, I got maybe 5 hours total between Friday and Saturday night. This year, I slept at least 5 hours each night! Chris and I actually overslept on Saturday morning because our clock was still on Vancouver time and we were 3 hours behind, haha. Oh, well! We needed the sleep.

I was so busy loving my friends and the music and the beautiful weather/environment that I didn't worry about food too much. I ate pretty light, actually. I made sure to eat enough fuel to keep strong, but I would say I ate less than I typically do during a normal day. I also stayed way more paleo than not (ate lots of meat and vegetables, actually!). My chosen cheat this weekend was vodka, heh... I made a vodka, cranberry juice and seltzer drink all weekend.

I managed to not eat all the chips, cookies, cheese and crackers, etc. that were all over the place all weekend. Ate my burger without the bun. I felt pretty good about my strength in this matter, especially because I was not very sober for most of the time. Indulging in the food wasn't important to me. It wouldn't have made me feel as good as all the laughing and great times with my friends.

I won't let food rule my life any more!

That's not to say I don't still eat for pleasure :D When Chris and I got home (a little hungover and exhausted), I made a paleo milkshake with almond milk and coconut milk ice cream and a banana. AMAZING. I also ate sweet potato chips while drinking the milkshake. That was pure pleasure. Then I took a nap. It was pretty nice :D

This isn't deprivation for me, it is finding a balance.

Off on another adventure!

Our friends throw a small music festival at a local campgrounds where we get to stay in rustic cabins and have fun parties all weekend.

So off I go. I can't say no! I love these people and these times too much :)

Going to take care of myself as much as possible, we are bringing all our own food and don't plan to get trashed every night. I am just starting to feel well after being sick for a few weeks from being so run down. Don't want to spend the next week sick, as well!

Off I go into the gorgeous Adirondacks, I am for sure not complaining about the stress of getting ready for this weekend... it is so well worth it!

Stress is a theme here!

It's been pretty go-go-go since before vacation started. And, though I loved my vacation, it was pretty fast-paced and full of activity every moment. Not super restful!

Traveling for work right after getting home wasn't easy, either.

And I am got home today and had to immediately start getting ready because we are leaving on Thursday night for another event for the weekend!!

All these plans seemed totally awesome a few months ago.

Now... I am just tired.

Wanted to update everyone. Tell you I will continue to do my best to keep my health in mind with all I do. Wish everyone else the best while they try to stay conscious of the same thing!!!

Off to bed with me, get the sleep while I can :)

Early wedding stress

I am an anxious person (probably why I turned to eating in the past!)

I want to marry Chris sooner rather than later. We hope to get this done by fall 2013.

The reality of that has been hitting me lately. Planning a wedding (and his family wants a real wedding celebration with all the family!) is not something I really want to do... ^.^ The thought of all the planning that goes into a large event like that terrifies me!

We also have conflicting family-wants/needs with the wedding, which stresses me out... I just want everyone to have a nice time! A wedding is about your nearest and dearest witnessing you promising your life to someone, starting your new life with you.

I've always WANTED a wedding, I wanted to be in a gorgeous dress and dance with friends and family at a party celebrating my love. Now that it is real, I cannot fathom actually planning this out and making it happen. I want to be this weight and maybe fitter by next fall... I worry about being so anxious, about turning to food. I will stay aware and work on that not happening, haha!

Biggest point of stress: wedding dress/wedding dress shopping.

I HATE shopping with other people. I hate to have people see me in clothes I haven't yet decided look decent on me. I don't want people to consider how a dress looks on my body. I don't want to stand in front of people I know, mirrors, and employees in a dress while they all look at me. I don't want anyone judging how I look in a dress (even if they are doing it lovingly to help me pick a dress that flatters me!)

Is that strange? Ugh.

I do love wedding dresses, though (guilty pleasure: watching Say Yes to the Dress!). I actually am very excited about getting to wear a gorgeous gown for the first time in my life. I've never paid more than 100 dollars for a dress, and that was only for bridesmaid dresses, haha. Also, being at this point in my health journey, I think I might actually like how I look in a beautiful dress (I could never picture feeling that way in the past!) I really am looking forward to dress shopping.... just not with anyone. I feel like a huge weirdo.

Chris' mom is extremely excited about the process, wants to come shopping, wants his side of the family to come, too! I am a people-pleaser, I don't know how to say no. Being a people-pleaser, I especially don't want people with me, because I will want THEM to be happy more than me.

For now, I am looking online at dresses stress-free :D and dreaming!

Some pics from vacay!

Just to keep track: weighed in at 124.6 this morning (yay!)

These are some pictures Chris took of me during vacation. I still haven't uploaded my pictures because I have been seriously exhausted since we got back and now I am on the road again for work. Soon, though! I saw so many beautiful things!

Starting our backpacking trip!

Waiting for dinner at camp

Just after Chris proposed to me (and we were done hugging and crying, hehe)

At Stanley Park, never thought I would like a picture taken of me from behind!

At the beach in Vancouver... I love this picture because it's candid and I feel pretty :D

It felt great not to feel self conscious on vacation, not to worry about having my picture taken! That has never, never, never been a truth for me. It is a huge weight and a huge stress off my shoulders and mind to not need to think poorly of myself. To just BE in these places and not obsessive in my head.

I wish I could share this feeling, let people know how good and how possible it is to make better choices, that it is hard but not TOO hard in the end, because it is worth it.

I have been 199 pounds. I was there for years. I come from a dysfunctional-eating family. My family are large people. I was a binge eater. I was eating disordered. I was an emotional eater.

The change took a long time, but has been getting better and easier and I have slowly been coming to a place where I see a life of normalcy ahead of me.

I did NOT track my food on vacation. I did not track it the weekend before (a wedding and a day in Brooklyn with friends). I did not track it the weekend I got back. I ate mostly paleo, I ate when I was hungry, I tried to get in my proteins first, I drank tons of water. It felt amazing to see that almost 3 weeks of no tracking kept me at my lowest weight I've been at since I was a young teenager.

I see a future for myself where I won't have to count every calorie. Right now, as I ease back into work and life, I am back to tracking calories and macronutrients. But for the first time, I am learning to trust myself, to trust that I finally WANT to take care of my body and will make good choices. I am not caught in a cycle of self-harm right now... I want to stay out.

I am smiling while writing this. I trust myself! I am starting to really, truly, honestly love myself and be proud of myself.

:)

So coming up: pictures and a little talk about wedding anxiety (ALREADY! ... especially potential dress shopping this fall)

Yikes!

Love and light, my friends.

My eating on vacation

So I promised to stay pretty paleo on vacation (to myself and to anyone who reads this blog o' mine!).

Two things kept my weight down on the eating front: Eating mostly paleo and not eating out all the time!

I would say I was able to stay about 80% or more paleo for these past two weeks! It wasn't always easy to make the decision to stay more paleo than not. And the times I DID decide to go off paleo, wow, I don't regret a second of it!

We tried not to eat out more than once a day (we bought a lot of prepared salads and things of that nature to eat for breakfast and lunch), so when we did, if I REALLY wanted something and something at least a little special/rare, I would have it.

Examples of some things I ate out non-paleo (and how I tried to be better!):

- Fish tacos (came as two huge soft tacos, I ate only one of the taco shells, ate the insides out of the other)
- A piece of salted rosemary bread at a very nice restaurant
- Four cocktails over the two week period
- 1/3 of the whole wheat wrap on a egg/bacon/avocado/tomato breakfast burrito
- Fresh crab cakes (mmm northwest coast has some good seafood)
- bleu cheese on a grilled peach and bacon appetizer
- a fancy coffee shop dessert
- fresh, hot onion rings at the airport at 11 PM at night (haha!)

Those are all that come to mind at the moment! Every bite was delicious and purposeful, I never just had a cookie at a rest stop that was mediocre or a fast food sandwich because we were on the road. I wanted every thing I cheated with to be fun and special treat!

Those treats were mitigated by the fact that we didn't eat out all the time (so it's not like I cheated for three meals). Some days we backpacked (3 days) so we didn't eat out AT ALL. We prepared a lot, got salads at the Whole Foods in Vancouver when we knew we would be out tourist-ing all day, had lara bars, nuts, bananas, etc. All the usual foods I lean on when I know I will be away from home. Also, we ate a LOT of chocolate, because we really wanted sweets, but bought high quality dark chocolate from the nice stores in the city or just the grocery store.

Even when we went out to eat, I tried to order salads with grilled fish or chicken on top with balsamic dressing -- very paleo, very filling, full of nutrients.

I love that I ate so many veggies on vacation! In the past, it's been a lot of starches on vacation.

So out of town for two weeks total:
      6 alcoholic drinks
      8 or 9 meals out (I can only remember 8 but I think there was one more)
      5 days of purposeful hiking
      25+ miles walked as a tourist (around Vancouver, Squamish, Tofino and Victoria)
      1 pound of body weight lost :D

I am so happy I kept my promise to myself to treat myself well!

Some moments during the vacation, I felt like I was over doing it because I wasn't tracking my food and we had some luxurious meals out (apps, dinner, dessert and cocktails!) which were SO SO SO different from the food I eat at home.

But staying mostly paleo, limiting eating out and being super active.... works!

I will do some posts with pictures and stories of the trip later :D

Back from BC!

Exhausted but wanted to let you all know where I stand:

I come back ENGAGED! :D

Aaaaand

Weighing in at 126 pounds.

Insanely happy on both counts, hehe.

Peace, love, and updates later!!