I don't know what it is - maybe it is the fact that the last vestiges of the old house are gone (only one bedroom that stores my brother's stuff looks how it used to, before Chris and I moved in).
It's all changed - full of color, full of brightness, everything cleaned and fresh.
And so it has made me think of my dad MORE, because the physical reminders aren't really as evident anymore. I don't see ghosts of my past everywhere I look.
And, for some sick reason, I read back through my blog through those months where it all happened. When I found my dad in this house, gone, and my world fell completely apart. And where I found strength in myself, endless love from family and friends, and a totally new understanding of how gorgeous this life is.
This post, from just over two years ago, sums it up nicely: For Life and those are not feelings I want to forget (I cannot always feel them so strongly, that would be incredibly distracting and I need to do some mundane life stuff sometimes, too!!).
I was asking myself, what is the point? My dad died. He wasn't here anymore, he couldn't hear or see or do or feel here anymore. What was the point of it all??
And I still feel strongly, that just being is the point.
We get to BE here! And it's beautiful.
And two years later, I also feel just as strongly as before about keeping this physical body of mine healthy so that I can be here as long and as fully as possible.
That is the heart of this blog. It is the reminder I need. I hope it helps someone else.
I was devastated to the point of numbness two years ago. It passed. I healed. I still cry for him, for the lack of him. But life has gone on and I am lucky to be a witness and a participant in all that this is.
<3
I hope you can feel lotsa and lotsa hugs from me right now...
ReplyDeletep.s. I'm moving away from google. Can you add 'name/url' as a commenter choice? Thanks!
Losing my parents and other loved ones always made me think about "what's it all for". I'm not religious and don't hold a belief in a hereafter (but fully respect those who do) but like you, I loved that I had those people and the memories of who they were live on every day. I embody much of they way they were and hopefully pass on to another generation the good that I learned from them :)
ReplyDeleteThis is a beautiful post, and makes me think. I have struggled with depression and anxiety my entire adult life, and with the loss of my most important relationship in the past year. When I see so much pain, it is very hard to see the beauty of it all and see "the point." I hope that someday I attain the kind of perspective that you have.
ReplyDeleteI find comfort in the good memories of my Dad several times a week. He was sick for years before he passed. I feel connected when I remember things that "he would have liked". Here's to healing, remembering and someday sharing stories with your next generation
ReplyDeleteSuch wise thoughts Jeanette. Can relate to the unexpected death of my father and after two years, the pain is still there but not as sharp and gut-wrenching. Agreed, life is to be lived fully, completely consciously--not just to exist.
ReplyDeleteGreat post (and I love that quote about beautiful people from the referenced post). Keep living your life fully, and holding on to those good memories of your dad. I do the same...especially lately when people look at my son and say "he has your daddy's cheeks and eyes"... *sigh* There will be many moments in life that remind you of him or cause you to think about him. Glad you've made his house yours...bringing light and life into it.
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