I don't know what it is - maybe it is the fact that the last vestiges of the old house are gone (only one bedroom that stores my brother's stuff looks how it used to, before Chris and I moved in).
It's all changed - full of color, full of brightness, everything cleaned and fresh.
And so it has made me think of my dad MORE, because the physical reminders aren't really as evident anymore. I don't see ghosts of my past everywhere I look.
And, for some sick reason, I read back through my blog through those months where it all happened. When I found my dad in this house, gone, and my world fell completely apart. And where I found strength in myself, endless love from family and friends, and a totally new understanding of how gorgeous this life is.
This post, from just over two years ago, sums it up nicely: For Life and those are not feelings I want to forget (I cannot always feel them so strongly, that would be incredibly distracting and I need to do some mundane life stuff sometimes, too!!).
I was asking myself, what is the point? My dad died. He wasn't here anymore, he couldn't hear or see or do or feel here anymore. What was the point of it all??
And I still feel strongly, that just being is the point.
We get to BE here! And it's beautiful.
And two years later, I also feel just as strongly as before about keeping this physical body of mine healthy so that I can be here as long and as fully as possible.
That is the heart of this blog. It is the reminder I need. I hope it helps someone else.
I was devastated to the point of numbness two years ago. It passed. I healed. I still cry for him, for the lack of him. But life has gone on and I am lucky to be a witness and a participant in all that this is.