Up all night

Quite a different scene down here in NYC after the quiet of Albany! We are staying with friends in Brooklyn and going into Manhattan in the evenings.

Fast, bright, intense!

The concert started at midnight last night and ended at 4AM! I slept till 10:30, which isn't great... Could have used more sleep.

Danced for four hours, had two drinks at the venue. Ate well all day, though!

Today we are having a potluck before Phish... I am going to be super mindful about it. I am going to wear my tight dress so that I have to be very aware of my body when I eat.

Felt good last night, though too tired... Not a kid anymore! It was worth it to get out, be with friends and dance though.

Hope everyone is taking care of their minds and bodies this holiday season! I caught up on some blogs, so I know it's half and half! Wishing you all well though :)

Prepping for the new year

I am down about a pound from my food and alcohol overdose over the Christmas holiday. Good. Downward trend. Back in the 120s (high 120s, though).

Going to keep it going. Having fresh venison (hunted by a friend of ours), roasted sweet potatoes and sauteed brussels sprouts tonight. Nothing wrong there. :)

The New Year is coming. It is always a fun time of year for us. We love to see music with our friends on this holiday. And often our favorite bands play three to five night runs during this week. So we are going to NYC tomorrow, seeing the Disco Biscuits. Then we will see Phish at MSG on Sunday with a late, late show by my FAVORITE band, Brother's Past in Brooklyn that night. On Monday, New Year's Eve, back to the Disco Biscuits for the big party!

We are prepped for the weekend: have food and healthy snacks so we don't feel tempted to buy fries or pizza in the city when we are hungry. Going into the weekend with a few days of clean eating under my belt. Also going into it with the mindset that I want to be healthy and hot :) I don't want to feel bloated and overweight when I kiss my guy at midnight.

The small things keep me motivated!

The dog is going to be boarded with his favorite vet from Saturday to Wednesday... so we actually get a day at home, New Year's Day, with no dog. Crazy!! I am sure I will be sleeping and recovering that day, though.

I am sure I will post from my iPhone during the weekend. Blogging keeps me honest. As long as I know ONE person is reading this blog, I feel compelled to be honest.... and that keeps me honest! I still slip up with my plans and goals, but I have a long term focus here. Little slips aren't going to ruin me.

Yep. Feeling generally exhausted and sometimes down... BUT I am looking forward to a fun weekend. I think I will not have the time to feel sorry for myself. I look forward to lots of laughs :)

Not going to stop..

Not going to stop posting or stop trying! Nope. Christmas was hard. Ate/drank too much. Like I said, I am up to 130 (bleh). But I have been back on track this past day or so... eating normal, eating 95% clean and mostly paleo.

We are heading down to NYC for New Year's. Going to try and make some good food (like chili or such) to bring with me so I don't end up eating WHATEVER.

I want to start the New Year, on New Year's Eve, feeling sexy and light and healthy. That means no crazy indulgences this weekend!

I am at work right now, it is a snowy mess outside, and I want to just curl up with the dog for a nap.

Got 7 hours to go before anything of the sort can happen :)

Anyway, just wanted to check in, let everyone know I am still plugging along, stumbles and all.

Dealing...

So it is this day. Christmas.

Going to see my family today, but other than that.... this day has lost its importance to me. I am not a Christian. There are no longer any traditions pushing me to cherish the day. No kids to excite about it. So, yeah.

As for my last post.... alcohol. Yep. Pretty sure that has contributed to the fact that I am five pounds heavier than I was a week ago. 5. Bleh.

Today, that ends.

I am not going to end the year in the 130s.

I am not going to have a drink today. I am not going to overeat today.

It ends, it ends, it ends. I won't let the holidays turn me into an overweight, crying mess. This day has no power over me.

Alcohol

Christmas Eve. Not doing so well with the not drinking alcohol thing.

I really think a little less of myself for relying on the numbing effect of alcohol.... but wow, can't seem to give it up.

I am not overeating at the holiday festivities at all. But I sure am consuming a lot of wine I don't need (or shouldn't need!).

It's been a tough week emotionally, and I've been surrounding myself with friends and the inevitable alcohol that comes with social gatherings. And I have been partaking a lot. And I feel vaguely addictive about it... I am drinking it because it helps me forget why I'm sad, because it helps me to stay in the moment and laugh with my friends.

Hm.

Going to my cousin's tonight for some family time.

Going to my uncle's tomorrow.

Tomorrow, Christmas, I am going to eat a sweet bread my dad had made and froze before he died. I am going to go to his and my mother's grave and put flowers down. I am going to have a Christmas completely bereft of all the traditions I am used to. And I am going to cry. And I am going to attempt not to numb myself with wine, because it's important to feel that sadness. I am sad because I love them and want them here with me now. That's not a feeling I want to bury.

Enjoy your families, hug them close this holiday!

Hoping the cycle starts new and fresh today...

So, obviously, the world didn't end. Being an archaeologist/anthropologist and a generally educated woman, I didn't expect it to.

Here's is what I am hoping for though: that the solstice yesterday that also marked the end of a Mayan cycle of time WAS an end. An end of a cycle. A start of something new. Something fresh.

This year has been crazy. And hard. And the past few months for me and LOTS of people I know have been especially difficult. And dark.

There have been deaths and losses. Bad job situations. Tragedies. Weird things happening. Accidents.

And they have been increasing in frequency.

And there has been a general malaise or sadness hanging around.

Even I have been hopeless at times.

But, this ending of a cycle, this solstice (which often signifies the start of a new season or a change).... I am hoping it brings fresh energy, fresh moods, and new beginnings for me and the people I love. And the world at large.

I woke up happy. I had a really good day yesterday. A really fun work holiday party where everyone was relaxed and lots of the work tension of the year seemed to dissipate. Then we went to a "It Might Be The End Of Your World, But It Ain't Mayan" party where I wore a slinky little dress, did not overeat (but did have several drinks) and laughed and chatted with lots of people that I love. A very good night.

I wake up happy and hopeful.

It's been hard going. But I have been holding on (even if sometimes I have been holding on to fraying threads with a trembling hand) and waiting for life to turn around. For good things to start outweighing the bad. To smile more than I cry. It has been three months to the day that I found my dad and my life changed forever. I am still grieving, I still miss him. But I am hoping my grief starts to lighten.

Today is a little bigger for me than New Years Day, I have more dreams for what is coming and more determination to make the coming days good ones.

Do good and healthy and loving things for yourself and others as the holidays continue!

There's so much energy in us....

And I believe it.

"We' re so close to it, so very close to it.
We still have energy in us."

- The Arrival: There's So Much Energy In us

The title is a lyric from a Cloud Cult song. If ever you need to FEEL, feel hope, feel love, feel sorrow, whatever, this is a good band to get that across.

We have SO MUCH in ourselves. We are capable of love and health and passion in our lives. I know it is in me. I've done it. I'm doing it. I'm trying.

One scale read me at 124 today, the other at 128. Truthfully, I would be happy with either, or somewhere in the middle. Was active the last three days in the field and with the dog. Ate clean 90% of the time (I had a mint brownie yesterday, no regrets, but less brownies and more broccoli would be ideal).

With the holidays are coming an impending sense of dread. I miss my dad. I fucking miss my dad so much.

The last three days have seen some pretty awful, down on the floor, painful crying fits.

I want my dad here. He loved Christmas. I was going to help him put up the tree and we were going to get together on Christmas morning and I was going to help him cook so he could relax more and just enjoy.

None of that is going to happen.

There is no Christmas tree.

I really, really hate this Christmas without my dad. He would have loved it.

.....

Now I am crying again. Okay. Damn it.

So, another Cloud Cult song, called The Lessons- The Exploding People:

Building up a belly full of bumble bees.
Pushing down the pain like it's a quarantine.
Baby, sing in choir 'til your tongue falls out,
cuz if you hold it all in it'll all fall out.
And one by one, the people, they explode.

The past aint ever gonna re-come.
So do what you do, cuz what's done is done.
Beat out the pain with a kick drum.
Can't escape from yourself unless you don't run.
And one by one, the people, they explode.

You are your own poison.
You are your own doctor.
You are your own saviour.
You are your own cure.

One by one the people they explode.

You never see the present, cuz you're always looking back.
Or counting down the seconds to your heart attack.
Bottle it up, and the bottle goes crack.
Do what you do, cuz you can't come back.
And one by one, the people, they explode.

.........

And I don't want to explode. I am letting it out. I am crying. I am hurting. I can't hold it in. I am grateful to have a sounding board like this to let it out. I don't always feel free to show people in my life the pain on my face...

So, these are my days, this is my life. I am trying.

I am reading all of your blogs. Forgive me for not commenting too much, I can rarely get my blog reader to work and when I do, I am often tired at the end of the day. I love you all. Be safe.

My days, check in

Posting so that I don't get out of the habit! It really keeps me focused, so I need to stick with it!

Things are.... drudgery right now. Wake up > take care of dog > work > dog > clean house/ run errand > dog > sleep > repeat.

Boring, exhausting, can't wait for a break.

Eating was not good on Sunday, went over calories and had pizza >.< I enjoyed it, but I'm aware it was not a good decision for my health.

Yesterday was gluten free and clean. I made turkey burgers and asparagus for dinner and that's all I ate aside from a glass of almond milk at night. Which is good, night is a dangerous time for me... I get tired and pleasure seeking.

Trying to stay healthy and not get the cold that is making the rounds (Chris was laid up with it all weekend!).

So, yep. My boring, semi-healthy life.

Keep on keeping on, folks. I'm trying to!

Ruminations

So, along with the sadness and disbelief over the shooting in CT yesterday, our family is also dealing with another tragedy (one that is not my place to talk about.)

I wonder when this darkness will lift?

But, still, as ever... Life goes on. I am with my grandma and cousins today and will see friends at a gathering tonight.

What is the answer? Why do these things happen? Why is there so much grief, so much sadness?

I am guessing... It's because we are humans. This is a terrible part of being in this group.

The response to these tragedies is to love more. Chris said he is taking these events as a sign to renew his dedication to be a force of goodness, compassion and live. To be a brightness when we are surrounded by dark.

Another blogger, Jenn, said that the last words her children will hear from her every time they part will be I Love You. It's a good life strategy to let all your loved ones hear that all the time!!

Some bloggers have expressed disgust with talking about weight/health/fitness in the wake of this tragedy. I think these things are still life, still a part of it all. I will still make these things a priority... But being with those I live and showing them I love them is still number one priority.

Take care out there. Love your friends and family. Love yourself. Cherish these moments.

And don't use tragedy or sadness as an excuse to treat your body poorly.

Namaste.

Time for a new scale/Dressing for under-indulgence

Our kind of old looking scale has been pretty reliable.

But this week, it has weighed me in at 125.2 every single day this week. Not a single fluctuation. I don't believe the little guy.

I knew it was time for a new scale soon, anyway. I don't want to drop a bundle on one, but I want one that weighs true! Anyone REALLY love theirs?

Even though I don't believe the scale, I do think my weight has been pretty steady this week. I've been eating clean and reasonable amounts. Super active with the dog and with field work this week, too. Everything is status quo, so there is no reason for my weight to go up or down.

In other news, I LOVED the cathedral window dress and how it fit so much (and it made me feel so super sexy) that I bought another dress from the same company (Black Milk):



                        



I am pretty excited! I am a little more nervous about this one since it is WHITE and won't be as forgiving as the darker material of the other dress. But, oh well. You only live once, I suppose :)

I plan to wear one of these dresses to an End of the World party next week because if I am wearing a form fitting, thin material, hide nothing dress.... I will be VERY unlikely to cram junk food into my mouth. For one, people would be able to WATCH my stomach expanding as food filled it (ew haha) and if I am feeling super sexy, why would I want to ruin that? I don't want to hide anything... not my body and not the amount of food I am eating.

I have been super vulenerable and open lately, might as well keep it going :)

Okay, off to work.... I brought sweet potatoes and my chili (which is just meat and veggies) for food today. No way I can eat poorly today because I also didn't bring any money (no temptations!).

Namaste, friends. Hope your day is good!

Christmas

Christmas used to be a huge deal.

To my family, my dad... to me.

I'm not.... really doing much for Christmas this year. No decorations. Very few gifts to be given. No big meal on Christmas day. No traditions.

I don't miss the endless baked goods my dad would provide for the holidays... I just miss him.

I *am* sending out Christmas cards for the first time every... 65 of them, haha! I am taking over my dad's love of sending Christmas cards. It meant a lot to him. And I had all the addresses already compiled because I sent out my Save the Dates for the wedding.

I will see my family (uncles, cousins and the like) on Christmas eve.

I will be with Chris on Christmas.

Sigh.

There is a sadness here, this year.

I do have a full social calendar leading up to Christmas: a party this Friday, two parties on Saturday, work party next Friday, an "end of the world" party after that on Friday, and then I am leaving to go to NYC for four days for the New Years.

And it all feels a little empty.

Well, I am looking at this as an opportunity to make new traditions. Traditions that aren't super commercial, money-focused and food-focused. Next year, my holidays are going to be about sharing time with my new husband, creating a family, and living a full life. Chris and I love the winter solstice... we are thinking of creating some traditions around that.

It's different this year. This year hurts. But I am lucky to not be self-imploding right now. I am alive and that's all I need to be this year. Next year, we can do a little bit more :)

Making adjustments

Things, on the outside, appear stable.

My life, my weight, the dog, the house, money..... it all SEEMS to be holding steady, going well.

It is kind of strange, since I seem all a mess inside. But I will take what I can get.

Chris took me out to lunch at work today (he is traveling and I have been daily commuting out to his site so I see him for a few hours a day during the week lately, which is nice. It is not as nice as having him home in the evenings, but I will take what I can get). I ate a little more than usual for lunch, but I am paring down my dinner to make up for it.

TV night is tonight. I am going because I want to see people I love and that make me laugh. I am going to try not to drink or overeat because of the social-ness, though.

Got in a ton of activity today, four miles of walks and three hours of carting a 30 pound bucked up and down a hill. It was fine. I am fine. Still holding out in pretty good shape despite the lack of workouts. Just moving, moving, moving every day.... if you don't use it, you lose it, kind of deal :)

I am seeing a lot of crazy weight fluctuations in the blogs I read. Lots of gains. Some huge losses after those gains. Some people just plain gaining. The holidays are CRAZY. So I am hoping to start the New Year at 125, just holding steady. I would have loved to be at 120.... but I realize that that is going to take a LOT of work to get and maintain. It is work, I am quite simply, not willing to put in right now. But I AM willing to put in the effort to stay at my current weight.... I didn't gain over the last holiday season, I refuse to do it this year.

Namaste.

Food affecting mood (and homemade chili)

At least with my weight, if not my emotions!!

Holding in at 125 pounds, with varying .2 or .4 or .8 behind that number.

That is a good sign, at least. My body is not going all crazy, despite how I may feel inside, haha.

Eating very well at home. It's the going to a friend's house that is a problem. In goes the wine, the cheese, the sweets. Gah. The holidays are very tempting. Especially while I am feeling so tired and so sad. Chris and I are both trying to be as mindful as possible.

There is an after work party this Friday. It will be a big challenge for me... lot of snacks and FOUR people are bringing their homemade beer, one of which is a wit (my favorite). I am debating about the rules to set for myself this night and how to prepare during the day. I definitely will try at least one bottle of the wit. I think I will eat lightly but to satisfaction during the day.... and then I will know my calorie limit for a snack at the party.

I have time to think about this and what is really important to me. My eating has been very on track the past couple of days, very clean and very fuel-centered. It helps me mentally when I am not eating processed junk and sugars.

I think eating poorly just adds to my depression and heightens my sadness. I don't just think that... I know that.

I need to act accordingly.

I did something good for myself on Sunday: I made a batch of chili to last me the week, so I can relax and not be cooking every night and ALSO have an easy lunch. I don't care if I eat the chili twice a day all week... it is filling, full of protein and nutrients.

I cooked up chicken and beef in a cast iron skillet... then browned mushrooms, onions and peppers in the juices left behind by the meat. Then I simmered it all in a pot with diced tomatoes and spices.

SUPER simple. No added oils or fats. And the natural fats from the meat and the spices I used (chili powder, garlic powder, black pepper, a little cumin, paprika) make it really delicious.

Doing this ahead of time ensures my success for the week. I have prepared, tasty meals made up of ONLY meat and veggies every day. Trying to set myself up for success rather than failure here.

Well... the dog is in daycare till 7 PM, so I am going to use this time wisely: I am going to take a nap. ^.^

Peace, friends.

Not wanting to give in

I have had thoughts about not updating this blog.

I really don't want to be accountable anymore!

I want to sleep all day, eat whatever tastes good, stop cleaning the house and not worry about the dog anymore.

I don't think I will do any of these things, but I have to admit - it is something a part of me wants.

I got home today from another terrible and draining day at work and immediately fell asleep. I am exhausted all the time.

So stressed about the job situation.... I lose my job in three weeks and other than a four week teaching job, I have no prospects. This stresses me out intensely. Job stress on top of grief and moving and dealing with a dog that requires more energy than I would have on my best day....

Makes me wish I was the kind of person who could just give up.

Ugh.

Going to try not to go silent and fall into these destructive wants.

Fancy dinner, curtains, recovery

Had a really nice weekend that involved a ton of downtime and recovery.

We had a date night with some of our best friends at a French restaurant called La Serre. I had a six ounce filet mignon with mushroom gravy and green beans. I had wine but no dessert! It was nice to be a normal adult eating a fine meal with good conversation.

We got new curtains up in our bedroom, taking down the old dusty, discolored ones. It is amazing what changing your environment can do for your mental health!

Coming soon: ripping down wallpaper and repainting the entire downstairs. I really need this house to look totally different so I can stop being soooo reminded of my past here.

I need newness, freshness.

I need to establish a new life, one that centers around mental and physical health... it is hard to do that in a house that reminds me of my dad's sickness.

So, I am still tired, still dreading the next three weeks of work, but I know I will make it through.

Grief was the reason I got fat in the first place....

All of you out there, who read or comment or offer support in any shape, you make a difference!

Even that one short moment where I am reading a comment, I smile. And that's enough. Knowing that someone took the time out of their day to offer me a bit of warmth... it's amazing.

So thank you!

I still think about weight, am concerned about health, and mourn the loss of my fitness.

Yet my posts are very much about mental health right now. Which, I suppose, is important. People don't get fat just because they like food. There is always something else going on.

I started to gain weight when I was 10.

My mom died when I was 10.

Big surprise, right?

I was devastated, though I didn't go through a normal grieving process... because I was 10, my family was in upheaval, and I turned to food to find some solace. I never knew what it was like to be healthy until I was in my mid-20s. I lost a whole childhood to grief.

I am grieving now.

But I am ACTUALLY grieving. Feeling all the emotions. Literally knocked to my knees somedays by how insanely sad I am.

And fitness has gone on the back burner.

I am hoping the difference this time: I won't eat for solace. I won't get fat because I cannot deal with this grief.

I am dealing with this grief. I am feeling every horrible minute of it. I do realize it is slowly losing its intensity. Someday, it won't be so hard.

I find it kind of... a strange coincidence that I got fat when my mom died, and the year I start writing a weight loss blog, my dad dies.

It is going to be different this time.

I will honor my parents by being a success. By being strong and loving. By trying really, really hard. I want them to be proud of me.

I don't know how to post...

Without being a downer.

Jeez.

I am a dark, gloomy, sad cloud. Not really good for ANYONE to see/read.

Trying to do the right things still: see friends, sleep enough, eat right. Pleasure is hard to find, though.

I deleted three posts I tried to write: they were SO dark and without much hope.

I do have hope though, else I wouldn't be going through these motions. I'm attempting to do things like I would if I felt fine.

TRYING to keep the eating under control. Weight is slowly creeping up because I'm going consistently over calories every day. Yesterday was my first day in two weeks of eating a normal amount of food.

Going to try and make today the second day.

Ending sleep deprivation/Fig Newtons

I am aware... too painfully aware!... that lack of sleep is contributing to my up and down moods. I know I cannot always control what happens TO me, but I do have control over my reactions. When I am low on sleep, I tend to react poorly... there is more crying, more panicking, etc.

Tonight, I am going to sleep at 9:30.... in about fifteen minutes. Don't have to wake up till 6:45. I haven't gotten more than 5.5 hours of sleep straight in a long time. That's not good for my noggin. I really thrive on 8 hours of sleep (but 7 will suffice for a long time).

So, catching up and hoping that helps.

Feeling tired leads to overeating. I have definitely overeaten in the past couple of days. Due to the sleep thing, and also the boredom cause (I have a 3.5 hour round trip commute when I work in the field.... it gets monotonous!).

Going to nip this behavior in the bud, right quick!

Also, per the fig newtons: my dad had a box of the cookies in the house. Somehow, they never got donated with the other crap food we got rid of. They sat forgotten for two months. But I found them this week. And have eaten 6 of them..... I have to get them OUT of the house before that number exponentially increases.

I really never, never, never keep junk food in the house. It is a stupid temptation. Too easy to cheat on myself.

If I am hungry, I have no option but to bake a sweet potato, saute up some brussels sprouts or drink some almond milk. Nothing damaging.

Having only healthy options in the house also means that I eat when I am HUNGRY, not when I am bored/tired/sad. Bored/tired/sad eating makes me crave carbs, junk and sugar.... not veggies and lean protein. So if there is no junk in the house.... it is easier not to eat poorly even when my mood is low.

Alright, signing off and hoping for a good night of sleep.

Namaste!

And the roller coaster turns to the sky..

Yes. Very up and down. As I said in comments of an earlier post, the ups and downs are killing me.

Trying to be grateful there are any ups at all!

I took my stable, contented life for granted. Got to work pretty hard for the same joys right now!

Well... Pretty happy this evening, even if I am without Chris. And that's because I got that Black Milk dress in the mail I told you about last week or so...

It looks amazing!!! And it's a small! And the proof is in the pudding that I am taking care of my body and eating right (how come I don't usually feel this good about my body and it takes a sexy dress to make me see it???).

Going to keep doing what I'm doing and trying even though it is so hard...

I am honest about my struggles in the hopes that someone else who is struggling finds some connection/strength/hope from my story... To know that even though life feels like its beating you down, it is still SO worth it to try.

Food poisoning!

Wow, not a relaxing weekend.

The crowning moment was when I woke up sobbing and sick due to food poisoning early Sunday morning.

And here I am, trying desperately to feel like there is no cosmic plan to make this time in my life suck donkey balls. It's getting harder!!

Tough weekend with Chris. I have no energy by the time he comes home on Friday night. By then, it's been five days of being alone, being depressed, being overwhelmed, taking care of the animals, working 8 hours a day, cleaning house and trying to cook/eat right. I'm at the end of my rope and when he comes home, I just want to hand the reins over and crawl under a blanket and REST.

Really struggling.

Eating was not good this weekend. Didn't weigh myself mostly because this morning was crazy and sad and partly because I don't want to know.

My Saturday night indulgence was thrown up during the food poisoning episode though :( I haven't been that sick in a limb time... My stomach seized up completely and my back ached insanely.. Terrible. My stomach was sour all Sunday because of it.

I'm in the field now for work till Wednesday... It's a nice break from the lab, but I feel all discombobulated, my schedule is thrown all out of whack. Koda has to get left alone for a longer period than normal... Hope he's alright!

So there's life. Still hard. Being mentally healthy us a bigger struggle than physically right now. Going to keep trying, giving up isn't an option, even though I've never been so sad and exhausted.

Upswing!

Ok. So that last post was on a low day. The lowest day I've had since.... well, since I found my dad in September. I hadn't really reached a super low, depressed, gray, unhappy, crying-every-moment day since then. I've tried to stay positive and upbeat. But, it hit me like a wall.

I recovered. Chris came home. My brother said his Christmas present to me would be to help fix my car. I went and hung out with my friends. I rested.

Life goes on!

Chris and I took our Bed Bath and Beyond gift card to the store today. Bought new, beautiful, modern, fresh curtains. Didn't have to spend a dime of our own money! Used a ton of coupons too :)

Then, we went and picked out Chris and Chris' parents Christmas gift to me: ski boots. They are soft, fit perfect, and will give me some amazing performance upgrades on the mountain.

Printed out a new family picture with us, Chris' parents and his sister and her wife. Printed out the picture of us 46ing on Panther Mountain. Framed them, put them on the mantle. Looks great!!

Life is proceeding. There are light moments. I have a GOOD life.

It was just hard to see that yesterday. My mind went somewhere very dark and couldn't get out. I am lucky to have the people I do in my life, to let me cry, let me despair, and lift me up out of it.

I am doing better :)

There are no promises there won't be another hard day on the horizon. But I promise to always remember that there is an end to the sadness. It is temporary. I will recover.

Have a peaceful day :)