And I knew I wouldn't like it. And I didn't!
The last time I weighed that was last February after a crazy weekend where we had the most decadent meal of our lives plus a party the next day. I actually weighed 128. But it was a blip that went back to normal over the course of a week or two. (That was the week I decided to see a counselor, actually - a move that helped me learn to be more "normal" in my thoughts about food and weight)
The day after New Year's eve I truly ate poorly. I didn't over eat or binge, but the only veggie I ate was some lettuce on half a sandwich and the spinach in my chicken saag. And remember I had beers the night before? I can't drink beer without major physiological side effects. Which is why I don't drink it much at all anymore.
Initially, when I saw the number on the scale, I had a lot of bad feelings. The scale, in that moment, wasn't just a tool, but a judgment as to how I had done it all wrong and had to pay the price. I felt shame and guilt.
But, I sat down to write my blog post in order to sort out my feelings. Feeling that way about a number on the scale is not healthy and not helpful. It is a tool - a tool that I can use to know when I've gotten off track and when I need to tighten up. A tool that doesn't let me fool myself!
My old, disordered thought patterns are really hard to completely eliminate. I have them a lot, actually. The difference between me now and me from a year or two ago is that I stop when I have those thoughts and try to be rational with them. I force myself to remember that I am not a bad person because I gained weight. This is not about my character.
I gained weight because I made purposeful choices to eat off plan, to drink alcohol, to lose a night of sleep and to be inactive for a couple of days.
I will lose the weight because I am now making choices to eat clean, not eat grains, get active, get back on a regular sleep pattern and to not drink.
In fact, I signed up today for that class I took last week. Remember, the one that absolutely kicked my butt from here to Wednesday :-)
I will be lighter tomorrow in body. I will be lighter in spirit today <3