Thursday (the day she passed): ate cookies in the hospital
Friday: ate dinner at my cousin's house (which was actually on plan: turkey, sweet potatoes, broccoli and cauliflower... But I also ate the side of bread and butter)
Saturday: Chris' birthday party... I ate the chips I provided for the guacamole as well as a delicious Asian style veggie sandwich full of fermented veggies and some pumpkin pie a friend brought over >.<
Yesterday: ate cheese and crackers provided by my cousin when everyone got together to make picture boards for my Grandma's wake
Lots of not-great decisions. But I've tried not to OVER eat, even when I've eaten off plan. Trying to stay in my normal calorie budget (I don't count, but know what normal, moderate food amounts look like for my needs).
I'm stressed.. More about family interactions than about my grief. My family all suffers my anxiety, so it gets my own anxiety levels pretty high.
I'm sad, too, though. Looking through old photos, seeing my mom and dad so happy, so beautiful, so full of life. I miss them :( I came across the eulogy my dad wrote for my mom's funeral while looking for pics of my grandma. Lots of powerful emotions.
Just writing about it brings tears.
But I spoke with Chris this morning (he is struggling with eating emotionally and off plan as well)... We have the wake tonight (which will be fraught with emotion, especially because the whole family will be together). And we have to go to my uncle's after for dinner. We made an agreement that we will not eat ANY wheat or dairy products... Just meat and veggies/fruit/nuts.
It has to stop now!
I'm glad I've maintained so far (due to staying active and keeping portions moderate), but that won't last. I need to give my body a break and to let it heal. I'm holding on to the weight I gained from the holidays and I'm inflamed (breaking out like crazy).
I have to be a mature adult and shake off damaging family dynamics. I cannot turn to food to avoid uncomfortable social situations.
I have to face it head on and deal with it.
I will do that tonight, with Chris by my side <3
Namaste, my friends.