Thursday (the day she passed): ate cookies in the hospital
Friday: ate dinner at my cousin's house (which was actually on plan: turkey, sweet potatoes, broccoli and cauliflower... But I also ate the side of bread and butter)
Saturday: Chris' birthday party... I ate the chips I provided for the guacamole as well as a delicious Asian style veggie sandwich full of fermented veggies and some pumpkin pie a friend brought over >.<
Yesterday: ate cheese and crackers provided by my cousin when everyone got together to make picture boards for my Grandma's wake
Lots of not-great decisions. But I've tried not to OVER eat, even when I've eaten off plan. Trying to stay in my normal calorie budget (I don't count, but know what normal, moderate food amounts look like for my needs).
I'm stressed.. More about family interactions than about my grief. My family all suffers my anxiety, so it gets my own anxiety levels pretty high.
I'm sad, too, though. Looking through old photos, seeing my mom and dad so happy, so beautiful, so full of life. I miss them :( I came across the eulogy my dad wrote for my mom's funeral while looking for pics of my grandma. Lots of powerful emotions.
Whew.
Just writing about it brings tears.
But I spoke with Chris this morning (he is struggling with eating emotionally and off plan as well)... We have the wake tonight (which will be fraught with emotion, especially because the whole family will be together). And we have to go to my uncle's after for dinner. We made an agreement that we will not eat ANY wheat or dairy products... Just meat and veggies/fruit/nuts.
It has to stop now!
I'm glad I've maintained so far (due to staying active and keeping portions moderate), but that won't last. I need to give my body a break and to let it heal. I'm holding on to the weight I gained from the holidays and I'm inflamed (breaking out like crazy).
I have to be a mature adult and shake off damaging family dynamics. I cannot turn to food to avoid uncomfortable social situations.
I have to face it head on and deal with it.
I will do that tonight, with Chris by my side <3
Namaste, my friends.
Food does not fix grief. Grieving in your own time and space is okay.
ReplyDeleteHere's to putting down false fixes that hurt your gut and feeling your feelings.
I know your family ( (Dad and Grandma) would want you to stay well in body and mind. They saw your transformation. I'm sure they are with you in spirit.
I understand what you're going through, and grief and stress lowers our resistance to many things. Karen's words ring true, and I'm going to remember what she said, because I deal with the stress eating issue too. My best to you and your family.
ReplyDeleteKaren is very wise.
ReplyDeleteSometimes, in life's toughest moments, it can be hard to remember. I understand. If you are the same weight, well, at least that proves you are trying, portion-control-wise, to be better. I am sure after tonight, you will go back, full steam, to your healthier eating and life style.
However, my bigger concern is your social anxiety. I know it plagues you even when it is for fun events with friends. I suggest, since I know money is tight, if you can't afford a counselor now to work with professionally on this, you research online for some books to buy inexpensively to help you work through that a little better. I've been reading your blog long enough to know that virtually every poor food choice you make now ties back to social anxiety. If you can take care of that, you are HOME FREE, my sweet girl.
And if you read this before the services/dinner tonight, remember to get up, walk around a bit, if you start to find yourself tempted outside your food template. Good on you and Chris for vowing to follow a plan tonight, together. Safety in numbers. :)
Everyone commenting is very right and I totally agree - I feel weak that I let anxiety throw me off my path! I actually just today came across an "anxiety workbook" that was given to me and I pushed to the side a year ago... Time to get to work!
DeleteYou are so lucky to have a husband who shares your philosophy re: food and movement. Many people don't have that support. The two of you will help each other through this difficult time. Many hugs and prayers for you.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for your loss. I'm sure loss + social anxiety is making it extra tough right now.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your loss. Hang in there sweetie
ReplyDelete