Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Disordered Thoughts MIA?

It struck me last evening that I cannot remember the last disordered thought I have had or when it was.

And that was STRANGE!

My life has been pretty well defined by a quasi-eating disorder for more than half my life.

Before going Paleo, I floundered a LOT, fluctuating between obsessive calorie counting, binging, restriction, purging, over exercising and even short periods of fairly normal behaviors.

After Paleo, removing grains and dairy especially, I removed a lot of the physical reasons for my disordered thoughts (I wasn't poisoned by chemicals, preservatives, etc... I didn't feel constantly bloated... I was full of real energy.... I got off the ups and downs of refined sugars) and so the thoughts themselves decreased, too.

But they weren't gone. They had become deeply embedded thought patterns .. a way I dealt with the world, with pain, with feeling out of control. They popped up at strange times, especially if I strayed from my plan of being Paleo. And, I was still tracking/counting calories, putting my mind into an already disordered place.

I still struggled early this year.

Then, I had that really scary medical emergency, one that was close to killing me if I hadn't gotten to the hospital.

It was a wake up call.

I wanted a better life.

I pursued therapy and worked on myself. I read books and constantly challenged my own patterns of thinking and my patterns of behavior.

Now, with the calorie counting OUT of my life and listening to my body (and pursuing a knowledge and practice of nutrition) IN, I have shaken off even more of the disordered patterns/thoughts/behaviors off.

I still hover around 123 lbs with minimal effort... I overeat occasionally, I indulge, but it is all abated by eating well (well rounded nutrition, moderate, etc) more than 90-95% of the time.

Now, I am not saying that I'm cured. I am not saying that I don't still struggle with disordered thoughts.  Food and exercise was a way I could feel in control of my life - it is hard accepting I can't control everything! But it has been important work, work I'm still doing. I lived that way for almost 2 decades, it doesn't go away in the blink of an eye.

But, it hasn't BEEN the blink of an eye!

This work started a long, long, long time ago. Five years, 10 years. The day I decided I wanted to lose weight, The day I decided I wanted to lose weight in a HEALTHY way, the day I decided I wanted to be athletic, the day I decided I wanted to be "normal," the day I decided I deserved better, the day I decided I wanted to be happy. All different days, all years apart.

Years of learning about health, fitness, and nutrition. Years of discovering I didn't have to stay the way I've always been. Years of learning I could change the way my mind works, just the way I could change the way my body work.

I found what worked for me and my specific problems.

Your journey will be different.

The reason I'm putting this down here, is to let you know it is possible. Don't get discouraged if it doesn't happen next month, or next year. Changing the human mind is a lot harder than changing the human body.

But it is possible. I never thought it was. I continued to never think it was possible that I would ever be normal, until I just kept working, and I woke up today and realized I have been very normal (ahem.. "normal") for many months.

It goes along with my previous post about the mountain I climbed and how it is important always challenge yourself.

We, as humans, our ever-changing and ever evolving. Life itself is a journey of spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical growth. Never stop believing that things can change (and never start believing that things will change that you don't work on!)

Have a beautiful day <3


  1. You're right it takes making that first step and sometimes those steps are spread out. Have a good week.

  2. Great post Jeanette ........

    Hope your week is going well.

    All the best Jan

  3. I've seen so much growth and strength in you in the last year. Ever evolving, ever changing, and you embrace all of it. So happy for your! xoxo

  4. This is exactly what I needed to read! Thank you!