Thursday, September 11, 2014

Check in: blame, guilt, weight

Still struggling with life at the moment - forgiving myself is proving to be hard. I made a mistake (big mistake) and I can't seem to shake the deep down belief that I need to pay for it by feeling awful. And I feel guilty when I stop feeling awful!

I know this is not the way to think/believe... But I can't seem to shake it.

I think just time passing will help me feel better.

I decided to weigh in today - 122 lbs even. Strange, it's a weight I haven't seen since I started working!

Contributing the lower weight to stress AND the fact that I no longer turn to food to soothe my stress. (Wow, what a difference...)

But still here, still reading your blogs, just a little quieter as I try to get back to a good mental place! Still pursuing health in body and mind :)

Namaste <3


  1. I think it's natural to feel that way, most of us have been there at one time or another. Years ago I made a mistake that left me plagued with guilt, and it took me a long time to let that go and find peace. I had to forgive myself, which wasn't easy. But I did it. You will, too.

    It's a good feeling not to turn to food anymore when we're stressed, though, isn't it? I find I'd much rather jump up and go for a walk / run than even think about using food to cope. I wouldn't have believed that could happen a year ago, but here we are. :)

  2. Are you keeping this all inside, or REALLY talking to your husband about it? Because I think as a group we tend to internalize and that has a lot to do with our stuffing things down with food in the past. Not saying you will stuff with food over this, saying the keeping it buried part is sort of where we go.

    Is the money aspect really important to him? Or is this more of a big deal to you and he just is rolling with it and not as upset?

    We tend to have loops in our brain, get stuck on certain neuropathways. So if you are having thoughts about this dozens or hundreds of times a day, that is being stuck in a loop. Not saying you should forget it. It is important to learn and apply. But if you are stuck in loop, then have to retrain brain.

    You can find something to do to replace that thought. One way is to take a deep breath and clear brain, but that is advanced.

    An easier way is to come up with another thing to think/recite. Substituting one for the other.

    In my life, I use Hail Mary. I know it by heart. It is relaxing to me. It is long enough that one will often do the trick. But if I need more, I just keep going because it is a prayer that is normal to repeat. I will sometimes tick ten off on my fingers with my eyes closed to concentrate. I have used this a lot in the past to stop a runaway train of negative thoughts/rummination. I mostly use it now to totally clear my mind.

    It does not have to be a prayer. You can write a generic affirmation to recite to yourself.

    Yes, this technique does work. I was someone who had a major problem with rummination in the past. And my negative thought would become sucking vortex of every negative thing I had done.

    I have written a lot about this concept. Some you will find under my rummination/chewing cud label. More is under habits/neuropathways/loops.

    I think my understanding started with my therapist having me read Jill Bolte Taylor - "After talking about loops, my therapist suggested I listen to Jill's book, My Stroke of Insight: A Brain Scientist's Personal Journey. I listened a couple weeks ago. On the CD version, Jill reads her own book and somehow her voice really added to the depth of my understanding. I really enjoyed it. I have a post scheduled to pop up on her birthday, next year, reminding me to re-listen to the last 2 CD's of her book."(2012)

  3. What would you say to one of your friends if they had gotten into an accident and didn't have coverage? Would you lay into them the way you're laying into yourself? And is anything good coming out of that? Think about it, and remember this too shall pass.

  4. Life's setbacks are a b**ch but don't forget that not turning to food at times of stress is SUCH a major achievement. Hope that 'good mental place' is closer for you today. Take care and remember folk care about you.