Existing!

I started my first week with Hunter alone - it's super hard to do anything, even anything as simple as getting food to eat for myself, when it's just me and the baby. I'm pretty exhausted!

Nothing much is changed, however. Just taking care of Hunter and managing to survive myself, somehow. I'm dirty and tired and eating whatever food people have brought us, whether it's junk or healthy. My weight has held steady, however, which is a miracle considering how much crap I've been eating!

I haven't gone for a walk in a couple days, but I think it's actually been good, as my incision and midsection are feeling a lot less tender recently.

I'm trying my best to enjoy this time with my son. I will admit that it's very hard, though. Breast-feeding is not going as smoothly as I would like, though we are making progress every week, as he gets a little older and stronger and we fall into a pattern together. He doesn't sleep well at night, which is a struggle, of course. We're just surviving right now!

I can't believe that Christmas is next week! I haven't done anything really to prepare for it - no presents for anyone, I have to have Chris get on that for me! Especially since I think my brother is coming up this weekend to do a little mini Christmas because he's going to Florida on the actual holiday.

That's all that's up with me, really! Tired, overwhelmed and not doing too much :) 

My mom body -_-

Things are going well with Hunter - we're learning every day, trying to figure out how best to feed him, how to get in some sleep, etc. It's super hard but I think going pretty well!

On the other hand, I'm having some body image freak outs. I purposely haven't looked at myself naked in the mirror since birth and finally did today. I knew my body shape would be different but I'm pretty dismayed at how it's changed. The mom pouch/hanging belly I've developed depresses me. I know I'll lose weight in the next months to year, especially as I re-adopt my eating and fitness habits. But I'm sad to know I'll probably never look how I used to (with a soft but mostly flat belly!) and I won't be fitting back into my clothes in a cute way (so many of my clothes were very form-fitting and will now highlight a droopy, chubby belly).

So that's the truth, just being honest about it. The sadness about the loss of my old body is there - but it is not detracting from the joy in the rest of my life, don't worry :) I just did not want to pretend that everything is completely hunky-dory over here!

I'm getting back to eating well. I decided to start tracking my food again, because I'm pretty sure I was over eating by thousands of calories a day, because I was so tired and so hungry and so stressed and so emotional. I'm not giving myself a goal or a limit on my calories, but just tracking food so that I am more thoughtful and not going crazy with sweets or junk food.

Fitness will come next year, once I'm cleared for more than just walking!

So that's where I am - facing the reality of my body, definitely bummed about it, but moving on and getting back to a focus on health so that I can feel better about myself :)

First 2 weeks

Hunter will be two weeks old tomorrow. I am hoping that things start getting a little easier soon! People have told me that the first 2 to 3 weeks are the hardest. I sure hope that is true in this case. He wanted to be fed every hour yesterday, between that and the diaper changes it was nonstop. It is so weird to be so completely exhausted physically and mentally when I barely leave my room all day!

A friend brought us a huge tray of premade enchiladas yesterday. Looks like my lunches are taken care of for a while! One of my good friends is making us a Porkchop, sweet potato, and brussels sprout dinner tomorrow. The help is definitely nice. Otherwise, I'm eating a lot of sweets still. My hunger is absolutely out of control, especially yesterday when he was eating nonstop.

Parents always told me how hard having a newborn was. I thought I understood and sympathized, but I had no idea at all!

I went to Target and my local coffee shop with Hunter today, and that's about all the activity I had in my energy stores, Haha :)

Back in bed for the night, feeding him while watching television and napping when I can.

Post-birth healing

I went to my doctor's appointment and I'm healing really well - my incision looks really good. I'm obviously not cleared for much activity for the next 6 weeks (at almost 2 weeks) aside from the basics of having to lift the baby, etc. They said I could do light walking, even push a stroller, but nothing too hard like pushing that weight up a hill or anything.

So we took Hunter and Koda out for an easy stroll around the neighborhood:

It was nice to get out of the house and feel the fresh air. I'm glad it's been such a mild fall - it was almost 50 degrees yesterday.

I did weigh in, just to see where I'm at and with the understanding that I'm still healing and my body is going to continue to change over the next few weeks. I'm 149- so 17 pounds less than pre-birth. About what I expected!

Things have been up and down - adjusting to the new life is difficult. When he cries, it breaks my heart, especially if I can't seem to soothe him. Some nights we get decent sleep, some nights we don't. He's amazingly adorable but I won't lie and say it's all easy street!

So back to feeding him, eating, and laying in bed, haha :)

First few days at home..

I went home with Hunter on Friday. It was a tough weekend realizing the reality of life with a newborn! I was also still in a significant amount of pain from the C-section. We were kind of just holding on, and I cried a lot, too. 

I had been struggling with feeding him, which led to a lot of tears and frustration, because I just wanted to feed my crying baby! I went to a lactation consultant and she helped me quite a bit. So now he is finally getting fully fed and having a full belly! I am actually getting a decent amount of sleep, which is helping with my mental state :-) I was scared I was starting to get depressed because everything just seemed so hard and so overwhelming. Sleep makes a world of difference!

People brought us so much food, even full Thanksgiving dinner, so we haven't had to go grocery shopping at all since we've been home. However, not all of the food has been terribly healthy. I'll be a lot of pie and pizza in the past few days, haha. Not exactly how I wanted to start off my post-parting eating but I've just been looking for easy, truthfully. 

As the pain decreases and we get used to this new phase of life, I plan to get more involved with food shopping and prepping. Right now, I am just pleased to let people bring me food and not worry about it.

Also, I can see the beginnings of my body coming back. Not like it was, obviously, but I don't feel so humongous anymore. I am definitely having some body image issues as I look at some very specific trouble areas that have occurred because of this pregnancy though!!

I haven't weighed myself, but I'm going to my doctor tomorrow for a check up and they will weigh me then. So I'll see where I stand. My highest pregnancy weight was 166 pounds, I started my pregnancy and 126 pounds. A 40 pound gain - not the best, not the worst. 

I'll check in again soon!

What a week -- birth!

I have NOT had the energy to update my blog about finally giving birth because it was an unexpected situation that landed me in the hospital all week.

First: the awesome stuff - I gave birth to a son, Hunter, on Monday night :)

And we are both very happy and healthy! So, really, nothing else matters!

But things didn't even remotely go as planned. I woke up at midnight/early Sunday morning with labor pains. They were far apart and irregular so I tried to get some sleep (though didn't get much). Later that morning, we grocery shopped, ate a nice breakfast, I showered, etc. I had planned to ride out most of my labor at home.

But then my water broke at noon and my doctor told me to go to the hospital. Do off we went and I spent the rest of Sunday working through contractions that were growing ever stronger and closer together.

I was still in labor on Monday morning, not too strange. Eventually my doctor checked my progress (they don't do that much when your water breaks to reduce infection) and I was 8 cm dilated! I was happy to hear that and soldiered on without an epidural, feeling like I was close so shouldn't bother. 

However, several hours later my contractions stayed about 2-3 minutes apart and at the same intensity and I hadn't dilated further. They eventually gave me pitocin to try and progress the labor (again worried because I had broken my water over 24 hours ago and that risks infection).

Around 6 PM on Monday I got an epidural because I was in so much pain for so long, I was exhausted. They hoped me relaxing would help get the baby further down. I was 9 cm at this point but couldn't seem to fully dilate.

Eventually a new midwife started her shift at 7 PM and checked me out - she felt the baby was in a bad position. She had an ultrasound done and saw the baby was face up and definitely not moving down the birth canal. After an hour of monitoring me with an internal contraction monitor- they saw that finally the pitocin was starting to distress the baby and my contractions were not getting anything done.

After consulting with my OB, and with me, no one felt like I was going to be able to give birth naturally.

So after over 40 hours of a pretty intense labor, I was getting prepped for a c-section.

The procedure went quickly and well (though I was beyond freaked out and couldn't stop my non paralyzed parts from trembling) and it was clear to them the baby WAS stuck in my pelvis in a bad position (they even had trouble getting him out through the surgery!). He was also 9 lb 14 oz and really crammed in there haha :)

I heard him cry, and I cried and my husband cried ... But they took my son to get cleaned up and alarms kept going off. Scary. They couldn't get his oxygen levels up because he had too much mucous in his lungs. They took him to the NICU before I even got to see him :(

I was given anti-anxiety meds in recovery because I was a mess. My adrenaline had been pumping for almost 2 days, I had had no sleep and I did NOT have my child with me!!

After a few hours, they took me up to the NICU on my stretcher to see him - he was gorgeous!! And doing a lot better but they were still keeping him till they were certain he was ok. It was a long night without him and I barely slept. My head was racing from the past 2 days, my body was destroyed from exhausting labor and surgery. I was sad to not have held my son on his birthday.

Then, at 8 AM on Tuesday morning, they brought him down to my room to stay! I got to hold him and oh... I was so in love.

The next few days were a blur of learning to take care of Hunter and trying to sleep :)

I stayed in the hospital till Friday morning, I was experiencing a lot of pain and having a hard time managing it. I was also struggling to breastfeed and none of us were sleeping well.

It felt like a lifetime in the hospital but also such a blur!!

I've absolutely fallen in love with Hunter, however, and it has made all the pain and distress and everything else just not really matter :)

We're figuring stuff out at home now. It feels surreal! I'm happy :) But also a little freaked out by everything that happened, I won't lie. It's hard to be recovering physically from the week - to not be able to do much for myself or Hunter. Chris has been truly amazing with taking care of us, I'd be lost without him!

So that's why you get the late update - I'm an exhausted mess of a human! But also a very happy, lucky new mom with a beautiful new baby :)

Almost a week overdue

And no posts because pretty much my every thought revolves around the thought of "When will this baby be here?!" And that's pretty boring! So I haven't subjected you guys to several posts surrounding that theme:)

I'm pretty eager to meet this kid! 

If I don't go into labor this weekend, they're going to induce me early next week. I really hope to avoid needing pitocin but what needs to happen will.

I'm getting acupuncture today to try and get my body primed for labor and I hope it helps urge things along. Walked 10,000 steps yesterday, started this morning off with a 2 1/2 mile walk and ate a nice spicy Thai dinner last night!

But the baby is only going to come when it's ready, and I can't force it to happen this weekend, I just don't like the thought of forcing my body into labor with drugs. But I know at some point, the baby has to come out because it is just getting bigger every day and less likely that I'll be able to do this naturally. I'm just hoping for the best, doing what I can to get my body ready for labor, and will listen to my doctors and do what is best for both of us.

I'm also pretty tired of being pregnant. My belly is humongous, I can't move around so well, I tire so easily, and I want to get on the path to getting my normal body back (i'm not naïve enough to think I'm going to look like I did before I got pregnant, but I just want my strength and flexibility back most of all! I'm tired of not being able to bend down and clean or get up off the floor easily, things like that!)

So send me good vibes - I want to have this baby!!! :)

10 months pregnant photo

Haha :)

I'm still going to work, even though my due date was yesterday. As I mentioned before, I want to save my leave for when the baby is here. But, wow, holy uncomfortable! I'm still doing my walks through my breaks and my lunch, but sometimes cut them a little short. My strange new waddling stride sometimes hurts my knees and hips, or I have to get back to use the restroom :)

Otherwise feeling good, strong, all that :)

Due Date

It's the morning of my due date ... I was sure hoping to be meeting my baby today, but based on how I feel, I think that's probably not going to happen!

It's such a strange feeling to be completely not in control of this situation! I love being in control :) But this has been a good life lesson... For the most part, I've just been accepting of all the changes in my body and my life, trying to go with the flow instead of fight it.

But! Oh, I am getting so eager to have this baby.

Also - I'm going to work till I do have this baby, because I technically can physically and everything, but, wow, I really don't want to. Financially, it's the best choice. Comfort-wise, not so much! But I'll keep plugging along. I don't want to use any of my leave time till the baby arrives, because that would mean less time off when baby does come.

So - send good labor type vibes that I do have this little one soon!! :)

Last minute things...

No baby yet! :)

I am so grateful that I do not have this dissertation to work on right now, this last week or so of being pregnant. I have incredible amounts of free time, especially because I'm not doing too much else due to how hugely pregnant I am, haha! I am resting a lot, enjoying my time alone with Chris, getting things ready for the baby, and just relaxing.

Chris and I are indulging our whims - going out for breakfast and dinner over the weekend, enjoying it just being easy right now. I'm also so, so, so hungry lately... I'll eat a full meal and feel quite hungry an hour later! I am making the effort to eat nutritious things, though, and not give in to the sugar addiction so that baby and I are as strong as possible for the upcoming birth!

Due date in 5 days - I wonder when this will all happen! Starting tomorrow I'm going to start amping up my walks (I've been doing more like 7000 steps a day lately) and eating spicy food, all those "this might not actually work to start labor, but it isn't going to hurt you" old wives' tales! Definitely no herbs or castor oil or anything (which I think just makes your bowels go crazy rather than starts labor- yuck).

I want to meet my little one :) 

In the mean time, I am really enjoying this quiet time. I'm feeling really rejuvenated (though still pretty tired - sleep has been hard).

I'll keep you updated!

Typical me this past weekend - pillows and kitty cuddles :)

One goal hit ...

So, big goal hit. I submitted my dissertation draft to my advisor yesterday. Now, that doesn't really mean much except that I completed a full draft. I have a committee that is going to read it and send it back eventually with things to fix (and I am just praying it is nothing crazy - like more research or a complete re-haul of the whole paper!). But still. I did it!

When I found out I was pregnant, I made a promise to myself to finish up this part of my life and finish this paper (and hopefully graduate because of it!). I didn't know if it was possible... I had been exhausted my first trimester and third trimester. My second trimester saw a burst of energy where I did the majority of the hard work.

I've been dedicating all of my energy to this - all my thought and time. When I really get motivated, I really get motivated! In all aspects of life whether it is school or health and fitness or anything else! Gives me hope that I will be able to lose this baby weight when the time comes :)

You might be hearing from me more - I hope to document a little bit of how this pregnancy has gone, the HUGE changes my eating has gone through (not so great), and what I hope to change in the coming weeks.

I am 10 days out from my due date and getting very excited :)  I am also very, very pleased I get to enjoy the last few days of this pregnancy without rushing home after work to work on my dissertation! I am going to relax and enjoy fully <3