Response to Anonymous

The first thing I am going to say is that I always have and always will allow anonymous comments. However, if the comment asks nothing/says nothing constructive/offers no good advice/something along those lines and is purely designed to be an attempt to be hurtful, I will delete it. I welcome criticism and like to encourage discussion, and have engaged both in the years I've had this blog. I know haven't got this all figured out and like advice and commentary. But nastiness for no other purpose than to be nasty? No thanks.

I've gotten an uptick in blog traffic recently, so I am guessing that my readers are not all just people actually interested in Paleo or handling weight maintenance or dealing with a disordered past (I fear this is some GOMI/snark related traffic). And I wouldn't normally feed the trolls, but I also don't LIKE deleting comments, and wanted to address why.

So in response to anonymous, no I don't have an eating disorder.

However, I have been really open about my disordered past with regards to food and weight and self-image. An unhealthy relationship in life with food developed really early with the death of my mother when I was ten. The whole family turned to food for comfort, not to each other. I got really developmentally and emotionally stunted. And when I got older and adulthood was on the horizon, I didn't have any healthy coping mechanisms. Yes, I lost weight, but not in a healthy way. The past ten years have been a time when I've done a lot of work to get rid of the burden of my past and my disordered thoughts/beliefs.

Do I still struggle with disordered thoughts/behaviors? Yep. Am I way less disordered then I was 10 years ago or even a year ago? Definitely.

I've been open about it, so I am not sure why you felt the need to attack me. It was in response to me trying to NOT eat a store bought cupcake. So that brings me to my second point.

Completely separate from any disordered body image or thoughts about food is my 100% belief that it is important NOT to eat preservatives, chemicals, antibiotics, hormones, and really any non-food stuff. My process of getting to a healthy relationship with food still will always center around actual food. I do not believe in eating processed junk (though I'm not perfect and sometimes do... I know it is not good fuel for my body). After years of getting real with myself and figuring out what is important to me, what is good and healthy for my mind/body/spirit, one truth has always held true: food can be the best preventative medicine.

And a nasty, preservative-laden (and I know from experience NOT TASTY) cupcake doesn't really meld with all that, huh?

I started this blog to get healthy in all ways - to get past my disordered beliefs, to find peace in my mind and heart AND to find a way to eat and exercise that kept my body at optimal health!

So did you want to hurt me? You didn't. But you did upset me, because I will never understand why people choose to be cruel. Because your easiest course of action when you read my blog was to do nothing. But instead, you put effort into the world to do something. And that something was designed to cause hurt or suffering. And, when the easiest option is to do nothing, I wonder what drives you to make the effort to choose action in that moment.

I made a post some years ago about this - wondering why, when it is so easy to do nothing, people chose to cause suffering. It is something I do not (or attempt not to!) do. It gives me no pleasure to know I've disrupted or upset someone else. I am not perfect at this life, but I am trying and I am learning. When I went to see Thich Nhat Hanh speak, it resonated with me. There is beauty in this world in the present moment, in connecting with others in a kind way, in spreading happiness. It takes so much effort to cause ugliness in this world and relatively little effort to find calm, peace and joy with every breath and every step.

So that might seem dramatic :) But this question is an existential one I wrestle with (not just on the internet, but seeing it in my life and in the world). Why choose to put effort into creating ugliness? I'm sorry for those that spend any of their time this way.

I won't change anything about the way I blog. I still feel my story is a valid one - especially for those looking to AVOID the pitfalls of self-hate and self-harm that I fell into when I started to try to lose weight for all the wrong reasons. I want to push the message that, no matter your past, even if you have struggled with disorder, there is health and happiness for you when you work at it.

So sorry for deleting your message, but it was ugly. Debate and conversation and criticism aren't ugly, but what you said was. I'll continue to allow anonymous commenting but also reserve my right to delete comments that offer nothing BUT ugliness.

Namaste <3