Death...

So my last post, where I was sad?

Only the beginning.

I went to my dad's house after I posted that, to walk his dog and say hi. I found him dead.

Obviously, I am sad and stressed to the point I feel like puking.

My dad, I'll never see his silly smile or hear one of his beyond terrible jokes or see him read one of his stupid mystery books. Nothing. No stupid decorations for the holidays, nothing. He's gone, it's over, I'm devastated. I didn't always get along with my dad, but I loved him and he was a huge part of my life.

Not only have I lost my father, but my whole life is about to turn upside down. I relied on him for a lot of help and support. I might be moving into his house now (it is paid off) and I have a full-time dog responsibility now.

I want to run. Run, run, run, run. Hide.

I can't rest or sleep or eat or anything. Every time I close my eyes, I see it all over again. I feel wretched inside.

Writing this down helps about 1%, but I'll take whatever I can get right now.