My calorie tracker broke, blah blah blah

General good mood today, general hopeful feelings :)

I went to a soup party last night, I made a very paleo friendly sweet potato-coconut milk-asian spiced-veggie soup. There was also a very paleo friendly kale-chorizo-brothy soup there. However, the other soups were creamy, creamy, half and half, potato based soups with cheese. Ummm. I totally tasted them. I also ate bread. Not very gluten free last night. Not at all.

Back on the wagon today: had two eggs with a flax waffle (no gluten) and sunflower seed butter.

One thing that really threw me off yesterday was that my calorie counter app wouldn't let me add any foods... I really should have just jotted down what I was eating in the iPhone notepad to keep me honest. I am not sure of my calorie count even before I went to the soup party.

Well, it's fixed now and I am back to tracking. This is the app I use: Calorie Counter. It's good, but I needed an iPhone update for it to work correctly again... also it overestimates calories burned by a LOT, so I do my own calculations for that.

It's amazing how reliant upon that little application I've gotten. It really keeps me honest. I should really try being more honest with myself even when there isn't a little electronic gadget tracking my every move!

I think, at this point, I will be tracking calories for the rest of my life... even if just in a general sense. I really, really tend to overeat when I stop being vigilant. It is so easy to fall into, for me. I do wish I could just be a normal person and eat without inputting it into the phone... but I was at the border of 200 pounds in my early 20s. I'd been there for a long while. My brain and body don't seem to have fully healed from all those years of abuse.

So on I will trudge, gladly adding my foods to my tracker and keeping my body healthy. It's most important to me that I stay healthy and fit... it far outweighs the inconvenience of tracking my food. 

I will say, that last summer, when we on vacation to British Columbia and we were walking/hiking/DOING all day long and I was NOT tracking my food, but being mindful still... I came home weighing the same as when I had left. I hear so many horror stories about people gaining weight on vacation. It didn't happen to me. I made it not happen to me. I know I need to create a very active life for me here and now and get to a place where I am always mindful of my eating even when not tracking... maybe then I can stop counting :)

It's something to work towards!

Namaste :)

Promises, tattoo, wedding

So I was reminded that, despite these hiccups along the way, I'm doing alright :)

I have maintained a weight under 130 since July, which was my MAIN goal for 2012. I got a humongous wolf tattoo to reward myself for getting under 130 and as a contract with myself to stay there:

Now, I don't quite have that SAME body today as in that picture taken 6 months ago... 6 months ago, I was 128ish pounds of muscle that I have not maintained. I'm 126 with less muscle right now. I have a goal to get back to that spot in the next few months. I know I need to join a gym again soon... money is tight, but it's important. I want a strong body that is going to last me 50 years :)

I know I saw 121 on the scale last year, but the depression over my dad's death and the traumatic way that I found him kind of settled deep into me and I've been struggling to do the right thing all the time. But I am doing the right thing enough of the time. Life is going on and my health hasn't taken a nosedive. I hope to see 121 by my wedding in September.

My wedding!!

I haven't really mentioned anything of my wedding since September, for obvious reasons. Grief is starting to lessen and excitement for my wedding is starting to grow. 

We have a venue, church, photographer, musicians for the church, caterer and florist.... I still need a DJ and someone to marry us! I have my dress, I've picked out the color of my bridesmaids' dresses (they each get to pick their own style) and Chris will be going in soon to pick out tuxes. Soooo... things are plugging right along.

So, things are still up and down... I am happy some times, pretty sad other times, really lethargic and depressed the rest of the time. BUT... the silver linings are there. I see them more and more. 

Remember: I have a goal that by March 19th (the 1 year anniversary of my first blog spot) that I will be right on track again... working out, eating mostly paleo, and looking forward to the joys in life :)

Life, or something like it

Not going to lie and say things are going WELL, but they aren't going badly, either. So, there's that.

I worked out a bit yesterday, rowing machine, push ups and squats. My shoulder hurts a lot this morning, guessing the biceps tendinitis isn't completely healed. Which I knew, but I thought I was past the danger point of aggravating it again!

If Chris ever gets around to adding me to his insurance, I'd love to see a doctor for this.

I ate a huge breakfast this morning because the painters will be here again today. And, oddly, I feel super strange going down to the kitchen to get food when they are here! And all of my food is perishable/needs to be heated. I don't know what my problem is... it's my house, they don't care. But I get all crazy brained and don't want to go downstairs for food. So I ate a 500 calorie breakfast of gluten free bread, eggs, and guacamole.

That will definitely hold me over for a long time! They've been leaving around 2, so it works out alright.

I don't know if it is food issues that makes me feel uncomfortable or just plain old social anxiety issues! I'm a huge weirdo, even around my friends sometimes. I worry a lot in social situations. 

So, yep, just waiting for the painters to get here... the dog is in daycare... feeling generally blah. I know this feeling will pass. These ups and downs have been cycling for a while. The downs are getting less intense and shorter, in general. All I have to do is keep on keeping on and wait for it to start feeling right again.

It seems the world is talking to me... there's been several posts/articles/facebook notes about how if I wake up healthy, have a house, food, a car, etc... things just plain aren't THAT bad. I'm alive and doing pretty well. Other peoples' struggles make my sadness pale in comparison... that is why I won't give in to it.

“Struggle is proof that you haven't been conquered, that you refuse to surrender, that victory is still possible, and that you're growing.” 

― Jon Walden

Chocolate, big fall while skiing

Two main topics I wanted to get out onto my blog today.

The first, chocolate. Norma asked, in my comments, why I had chocolate in the house to use as comfort food. That, if it weren't there, I wouldn't have had the option to turn to it when I was sad/stressed/etc. Totally logical and sane question. It makes total sense.

And my answer doesn't make any logical sense!

Most of the food I keep in my house is not snack-worth, not binge-worthy, not comfort-worthy. To the point that when Chris or I are feeling munchie, we wander around, complaining that there is nothing appealing to eat and end up either waiting to the next meal or making a salad or cooking up a quick chicken sausage or something.

But chocolate?

Once I finished my Whole30 and wasn't strict about the paleo, I totally brought chocolate RIGHT back. I could live without cheese, without peanut butter, without legumes, without a LOT of things. But chocolate, I didn't hesitate for a second in bringing back. And shouldn't that be a huge sign it is definitely something I should not have brought back? Yeah.

I'm not always strong, though.

It's not out of control, but it is an unnecessary treat I have a lot. We buy about two chocolate bars a week (making it okay in our heads by buying the expensive, 90% cacao, organic stuff) and have them for dessert or a snack. I never really thought about it. I enjoyed it. It wasn't a big deal. Not till last week, when I was really sad and I took a couple squares up into my bedroom and ate it while watching junk TV to calm down. Not a great use of food.

Norma totally got right to the point: why is it there?

And I struggle with making the decision not to have it around anymore (though currently there is not any around, haha). I know logically a woman can live without chocolate and that extra sugar. I'd probably feel a little better and weigh a little less if I didn't eat chocolate.  But the illogical part of me is screaming: but you love it! it tastes so good! can't you enjoy anything you eat?! it's just a little treat!!!!!!! ... all sentences that, when written down, indicate to me I really, really shouldn't have it around. Yikes.

So, yep, it's a struggle. Not perfect. Going to keep thinking about this definite weakness of mine. Not going to buy a chocolate bar this week, as a start.



But, for topic two, a little shorter and a lot less sweet: I had a pretty big fall while skiing yesterday that shook my confidence! We went to my favorite mountain again, Gore Mountain in the Adirondacks.

All day, we were skiing with some friends of ours who are awesome skiers. They definitely pushed me out of my comfort zone and made me work real hard all day on technique to ride harder trails. And, boy, did I ever! I rode black diamond trails 90% of the day. I actually skied a DOUBLE black diamond trail, Lies for those of you familiar with Gore (Wikipedia says: These trails are even more difficult than Black Diamond, due to exceptionally steep slopes and other hazards such as narrow trails, exposure to wind, and the presence of obstacles such as steep drop-offs or trees. They are intended only for the most experienced skiers.) Green is easy, blue is intermediate, and black is advanced. And I skied that double black trail TWICE.

I didn't fall on the double black diamond, oddly enough.

Midday, we tried a new black diamond trail, one that is known for being pretty gnarly but my friends skied it the day before and assured me it was groomed and easier than usual to ski.

WRONG. It was super steep, super icy, with lots of exposed rocks and stuff. I was okay till I came upon an icy lip that had hard packed snow and ice for about 50 feet after it. Nothing to grip to. And me, without the experience or confidence to shoot down over that lip. BUT, I knew I had to try, so I took a deep breath and tried my best.

And fell. And fell. And kept falling. It was so steep and slick, there was no stopping me once I fell. I slid about 100 feet down the trail, a little dazed. Someone, a better skier, collected my skis and brought them to me, and then skied on. And then I fell some more. Eventually, Chris, who knew it was going to be a tough section for me, got off his snowboard and literally CAUGHT me, stopping me from sliding down the trail more. I ended up about 150-200 feet from where I initially fell. Next to me, where I stopped, was a man who had also fallen like me and was bleeding from the mouth!!! Scary. As I got myself together, another man fell up on that lip, as well. Scary, scary stuff. We reported that trail as too dangerous to be open. There was just no snow on it!

Anyway, totally shaken up, but I got my skis back on and finished the trail (still had a huge steep section to get down and I didn't want to fall down THAT, too, so I tried and succeeded to ski it).

I was a little more hesitant the rest of the day, but definitely learned some lessons.

I am SUPER sore today, from working so hard and from falling yesterday. I slept for about 11 hours!

Going to go get breakfast ready and wait for the painters to get here :)

Namaste!

Food as comfort

It was a tough night last night.

A big, gross mix of stress, anxiety, Chris having been gone all week, the house being ripped apart, miscommunications, etc, etc.

Didn't turn out well for me or Chris, and I had a pretty sad night.

I couldn't calm down and fall asleep and it was getting pretty late. I just wanted to calm down. I ate two square of one of those big chocolate bars, eventually watched bad TV and fell asleep.

I know two squares of chocolate isn't the worst thing in the world to have consumed. I just think it is stupid that that is what I can turn to for comfort.

Just a little bit of a narrative of how food rules my mind. I don't binge anymore, I don't eat outrageous portions, I don't eat junk food, none of it. And still, to calm down from a hard night, I do go to food. Inanimate food.

This stuff is embedded so deep into our consciousness in this culture. I wonder where the turning point was that the first human was turning to food for comfort... when they had enough of an abundance of really delicious food that it was a better option to eat than to seek out a fellow human for comfort? Was it a looooong time ago, thousands of years ago, or is this completely a construct of this kind of screwed up society that we live in?

Hm.

I really hope I can turn this around and have a lovely weekend and not get stuck in this place.

Shaking things up

Workmen are coming to my house today. It's wall paper removal time. Whew. WHEW. I am so excited and nervous. I'm almost trembling. Changing my childhood house is hard. It's looked a certain way for 30 years. It's hard.

But it is time to make it ours. To fill it with light and love and new energy. I just took the before pictures with my nice camera. I will make a post to show you the before and after when it's all done. I think it is going to be amazing (regardless of the work that gets done, the befores are pretty dismal!).

Well, anyway, men are going to be coming into the house. That feels weird, too. I put the dog into daycare so he doesn't bother them while they are working. They will be all up in my kitchen!! I prepped meals so all I have to do is heat them up in the microwave and not bother the guys too much.

It feels strange to have strangers in my house!

Well, I'll get over it. And it's a week of work. And then... NEW HOUSE. New, bright, warm, different house to start new in.

I am thinking this is going to do wonders for my state of mind :)

Other good news: last night a family friend messaged me to offer me tickets to a sold out Trey Anastasio concert that's happening on Saturday for FREE! So... an awesome night out seeing music with all my friends (who bought tickets) for free?!?! I feel blessed :) :) It was just such a nice, random thing that happened that reminded me there is lots of goodness out there in this world. It felt so great to know someone was thinking of me, the music I like, etc. 

Smiling today, despite being a little nervous about the work getting done. 

Namaste! Stay healthy, body and mind, friends.

My partner

There's been an article and discussion circulating on a number of blogs the past day about weight-weight loss-romantic partners and how that all interacts. It's mostly about "mixed weight" couples (which I think is a very weirdly politically correct term... it's not exactly the same as mixed-race, you know? Eh, whatever!). - later in this post I will mention how freaking HORRIBLE the things were that the man said to the woman, ugh.

Well, anyway, I wanted to talk about MY partner and how integral he has been to my health and fitness.

We have both been obese in our pasts, for a significant period of time. We actually met for the first time when we were both heavy at school but it was when we re-met a few years later at work that a friendship blossomed (which obviously turned into a romance in time :D ).

I really, really like that we both lost weight and got fit on our own. It means that it is a priority to BOTH of us. That matters. There is no one person in the relationship to who it matters more. There are only times when either he or I is struggling with it more.

I had my struggle with it a couple of years ago, putting on weight, not exercising, getting generally depressed. He had a hard time knowing what to do for me. We definitely argued. Definitely had some difficult months revolving around it (because a sudden weight gain isn't JUST about health for me... it's usually because of an emotional trouble). What he eventually did was just be a healthy, strong example to me. He kept going to the gym even though I said no, kept doing yoga, kept going on hikes, etc. In my time, I started to join him and got back on track.

Right now, it is his struggle. My dad's death and how it changed our lives and the following holiday season was hard (for both of us, of course). Chris put on a few pounds and was no longer at his lowest weight and didn't feel his best. To me, he looks awesome. He is strong and proportionate and generally well built :) Even at the party we went to last week, a friend of ours mentioned to me how good she thought Chris looked, how fit!

But that doesn't mean he feels his best, of course. And I just want to do for him what he did for me: be a good example. He actually downloaded the app I use on my phone for tracking food (I've been using this for a year and a half and love it still, use it daily).

He definitely excels with exercise. He has been active non-stop for a LOOOOONG time. And I definitely excel with food, nutrition, etc. Especially with the help of a tracker, I don't put on weight unless I pretty purposely give up.

We are both into this and strong in different ways.

Just one of the million reasons why I am marrying him and want him around forever :)

It is so important for both partners to be in it together. I think that's why, in the article, they documented some pretty awful fights and cruel words. Now, as I said, Chris and I have argued about health before - how to exercise, how to eat, etc. It took us some growing pains to learn how to do it best IN the relationship and not just on our own.

BUT...

He has NEVER said anything even close to what the article mentioned (eg. "I guess you are just one of those people who look better with clothes on"). He is my partner, the man who loves me. He has never denigrated my body. No matter what weight I was (and he's been with me through a 25 pound span!) he told me I was beautiful. The worst he has ever said was when I lost weight after the fact and telling me that I look "so much better" hahahaha... I became *that girl* and started asking if he was repulsed by me before, which of course he wasn't. Poor guy.

I think it is disgusting that someone who has promised to love you forever could say cruel things about your body. For one, it doesn't help ANYTHING, only makes the receiver feel more like crap. And for another, that should be the one person in the world who loves and supports and cares about it. It's weird to me that the article has to give helpful suggestions about how to talk to your mate about weight, like making it all about their health and longevity and not about their appearance. To me, this is a no brainer. Of course, Chris and I like looking good for each other and that is super important. But this is for life, our lives, our life together.

Just approach your partner how YOU would want to be treated. If you're being cruel, or someone is being cruel to you, you need to address that, it's not right.

Well, I have a lot to say this morning. Haha :)

Going to go make breakfast: eggs and veggies cooked in the cast iron skillet and then walk the dog while listening to Jillian Michaels' podcast!

Namaste!

My food

I was just reading on Norma's blog a point people bring up a lot in the weight-loss world. That you can't out-exercise a bad diet. (with the caveat that it is still vitally important to exercise for your health).

I feel like I am living proof of that. I've been out of the exercise groove for four months now. I am not completely inactive (a few hikes, some skiing, and daily 2 - 3 mile dog walks) but I am not doing a ton of purposeful cardio or strength. I want to. I will. I am just not right now for a variety of stupid and painful reasons (depressed, stressed, too much to do for the house and my dissertation, etc, blah).

And yet, I can control excess fat on my body with my diet. If I am not training my body to be a strong, muscled machine of efficiency, I at least don't have to punish it by throwing a layer or two of fat on it!

Note: I DID actually get some purposeful exercise yesterday, I used the rowing machine I bought and my shoulders hurt today as proof :)

But despite this lack of exercise, I've been RIGHT on track with eating well. It shows. I'm 126 lbs today. 

So, though I would share what I am eating in a given day. This was yesterday:

Breakfast: 2 eggs cooked in olive oil and 3 strips of lean turkey bacon

Lunch: Gluten-free cranberry bar from my local co-op and So Delicious almond milk yogurt

Dinner: Homemade chili (buffalo meat, tomatoes, peppers, onions, and mushrooms only) with a slice of gluten free bread

Snacks: half a roasted sweet potato and almonds

This all came out to the mid-1700s for calories for the day.

So, moral of the story for me: even if I manage to convince myself I have excuses for not exercising, I have no excuses for not eating right. I always make time to eat, haha, and I can put good things in when I do that. As I get back into exercising (especially strength training which I miss), it will be so much easier if I don't have extra pounds on my to deal with when I do.

....

Chris is gone again for the week. Looks like this will be our winter, spring, summer, etc.... usually, he gets a break from traveling. But a lot of nonsense at his work (which used to be my work) means he is going to be gone, a lot.

Tough. Tough, tough, tough.

I don't know how people do it: army wives, or wives of truckers, etc, etc.

I love him and want him here. Life is precious. Every day he is not here is a day we will never get back. It makes me very, very sad. So sad it is hard to focus on what I SHOULD be doing (writing, prepping for class, fixing the house, working out).

I'm going to try my best to not make these days complete wastes, though. I will try to do what I should be doing. It is worth it, in the end.

January has felt like a wasted month... I've been recovering, for sure. I don't feel so stressed or freaked out as I did in December. But I also haven't gotten a ton accomplished. I feel bad about that.

What if-s, what if-s, what if-s. Eh.

Weight is still stable. Going to go walk the dog, eat an egg-veggie scramble, figure out how to live, go to a meeting for being on unemployment, and then...??

Hope there is light in your life <3

Social anxieties

The weekend was so completely AWESOME and so completely "meh" at the same time. Saturday was so much fun, the going away party for our friend was great, the drive down to the city was no problem, and I didn't want the night to end! However, I did overdo it on drinks and kind of made Chris' ride back to Albany.... not so fun.

Sunday, I was hungover, for sure. Didn't do.... anything, really. Seriously, not a thing. I feel like a slug about it. Also, felt a little sad because a bunch of our friends got together and had an evening hang out and we weren't invited. Usually, we all hang out on Sundays together. Not sure what that was about. Chris said not to worry about it, but I am a huge weirdo who has had a lot of trouble making friends in the past.... so I do get kind of socially anxious about stuff like that.

It was a weird juxtaposition after a Saturday night full of great friends and laughter and nice times. I felt.... lonely on Sunday.

I still feel weird today.

A little down.

I am nervous because usually Chris gets to be local for the winter, so I get a good four months with him home. His boss said that's not happening this year....... an entire year of only seeing him two days a week? It makes me want to break down, freak out, cry hard. I feel strangled by it.

...

I wish life was... simpler.

Finding that happiness in this world that seems so newly scary, dark, difficult and full of negative energy is hard. Too hard.

I'll keep working on it.

In other news, I'm still at 127 lbs. Holding steady.

Trying to hold on.

Namaste out there.

Anticipating a long night

I had hoped to sleep in more since I know the coming night is going to be a loooooong one. But, here I am, awake at 8:30 and knowing I won't be able to sleep for at least 16 hours (unless by some miracle I fall asleep in the car, which has always been impossible for me).

So, tonight is a compromise. Doing what we would have done pre-dog/pre-house but shifting the WAY we do it so the dog is still taken care of.

A friend of ours is moving to Atlanta, won't see him probably until our wedding in September. His going away party is tonight. In NYC, of course.

So, around 5 or 6 tonight, we are driving three hours down to the city, getting to the party around 9, staying for 3-4 hours and then hitting the road to come right back. Ayiyiyi. Not ideal!

We thought about it for a long time. We could board the dog (spending even more money). We could not go (and feel sad/guilty about it). This seemed like the best option! But I know that drive home is going to suck and suck hard.

I rarely nap during the day (I did initially when my dad passed, and I think that was just because my mind was so stressed out, it needed a break) so I will TRY to nap today, but I doubt it will happen.

I have to remember to pack some snacks in the car to mitigate those late night munchies so that we don't stop at a rest stop and eat candy!

Staying gluten free has worked well for me this week. Though, inexplicably, I am breaking out all along my jaw and chin. I.... never get pimples. It's never been a problem for me. It's really regular: about 4 days before my period, I will get a couple pimples from the hormones. That's it. And these pimples are not related to hormones. I am hoping it is not something I am eating!

The next step is to go completely paleo. I know my skin was the best it ever was on paleo. I don't know when I will go back to paleo, though, it was a very time consuming way to eat and I've come to love eating a piece of GF bread. Stupid. We'll see!

Anyway, hope everyone has an awesome weekend, stays active and healthy! Namaste :)