I love Halloween. LOOOOOOVE it.
But the actual day is often very... disappointing, especially when it doesn't fall on a weekend.
The Halloween party I went to was amazing.
Today... well, I don't know what I am going to do. Several friends are going out to see a band and dress up again. I don't know that I have the energy for it. Got to be up early tomorrow to get Koda to daycare. (ugh haha I feel like such a boring person to say that!). Others are getting together to eat junk and watch movies. Hmmm, not my ideal situation. Trying to be healthy with my eating while I am not really working out.
We'll see, we'll see.
I just got back from the Farmer's Market held on the state plaza (right outside where I work). Sweet potatoes, mushrooms, and amazing gluten free bread (okay, I haven't gone strict paleo with Chris yet... I really am struggling to do so!).
Decently tired today. Chris came home last night from traveling.. it was actually kind of a hard night for us. He was a little stressed and anxious... and I tried my best to have patience for it, but it is so, so, so hard when *I* am insanely stressed and anxious pretty much every second of the day. But we'll work through it. This is a hard time... I can't forget that both our lives just got uprooted and this is still new and we still don't know how to do it right!
Anyway.
Putting it out there that I am not going to eat ANY processed Halloween candy today. Those little mini bars trigger me so hard. My dad used to keep them in the house ALL year. Ack! I would go through handfuls a day. Nuh-uh. Not today. Going to eat well today. Not going to let celebrations derail me. I can still watch movies with my friends or go out dancing with them without candy, haha. Also: no alcohol. I hit my limit on Saturday. None for a good, long while.
So that's my promise to myself.
Hope everyone else has a happy and healthy Halloween :)
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Composure
We fared through the hurricane very well... we didn't lose power and nothing appears amiss in my neighborhood. In fact, I fell asleep at 9:30 and never saw any rain (the weather people said it would rain ALL day yesterday, heavily... we only had a sprinkline!).
I got something for Koda in the mail yesterday: Composure dog treats! They are meant for high stress/high anxiety dogs to help them chill out for things like car rides, vet visits, etc. I gave him one just to see if it changed his mood at all.... UHHHH totally did. This is him at 7:30 last night:
This is a dog that NEVER stops moving and thinking and playing and worrying till late at night. He is just such a high energy dog... even four miles of walks and outside play time doesn't touch his demeanor. He is a sweetheart, just insanely energetic!
Sooooo... we had a good night last night, haha. Very chill, watched some bad TV, cuddled and went to bed early.
Pretty damn grateful!
My weight is holding at about 125... I am up because I partied pretty damn hard, haha. My fiance is going strict paleo starting today, so that is going to help us get on track and healthy for the holidays especially.
We have good days and bad days. Yesterday was a good day. Here's hoping today is too :)
Love to everyone who had to suffer from the hurricane, I hope today is better for you!
Monday, October 29, 2012
There's a ringing in my ears...
Seriously. My ears are all strange, I can hear this wooshing in the background and a vague tinkling sound sometimes.
Sign of a good weekend? Jeez!
The party was super fun. I was not on good behavior. I drank my cranberry vodka drinks and a pumpkin beer. I ate two pieces of pizza. I danced into the early morning hours. I wore stilleto heels from 6:30 PM to 4:30 AM (changed into flipflops so I could continue to dance :D). My toes feel all funny!
The music was fun, costumes were scary/funny/quirky/clever, everyone was happy, tons of people stayed awake past 6 AM!
Sunday was a recovery day. I only cleaned the house a little. Didn't really catch up on my sleep at all.
My abs, quads, calved and shoulders hurt as if I did an insane workout. So tender! That's what I get for wearing high heels and dancing all night... totally worth it.
Chris is traveling again this week, but he has his car with him just in case something goes horribly wrong at home with the storm. Here's hoping it doesn't!
Sign of a good weekend? Jeez!
The party was super fun. I was not on good behavior. I drank my cranberry vodka drinks and a pumpkin beer. I ate two pieces of pizza. I danced into the early morning hours. I wore stilleto heels from 6:30 PM to 4:30 AM (changed into flipflops so I could continue to dance :D). My toes feel all funny!
The music was fun, costumes were scary/funny/quirky/clever, everyone was happy, tons of people stayed awake past 6 AM!
Sunday was a recovery day. I only cleaned the house a little. Didn't really catch up on my sleep at all.
My abs, quads, calved and shoulders hurt as if I did an insane workout. So tender! That's what I get for wearing high heels and dancing all night... totally worth it.
Chris is traveling again this week, but he has his car with him just in case something goes horribly wrong at home with the storm. Here's hoping it doesn't!
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Friday, October 26, 2012
Rollercoasters..
So, I am definitely rollercoasting up and down with my emotions (though trying to keep my behavior steady!). There is light at the end of the tunnel, I am not all darkness and glood! However, I had these thoughts last night, which I called Chris crying with:
Being an orphan as an adult.... Sucks.
I know I am 30, but it sucks.
It was scary when my mom died when I was a little girl, I needed a mom, but I still had my dad. And he loved me and took care of me. And I knew, for a fact, completely and utterly, that there was one person in the world who would do ANYTHING for me.
And sometimes I am hit in the face with feeling that isn't the case anymore....
I know it's not true, I'm not alone. I have an amazing fiance, an amazing soon to be in law family, and some of the best friends in the whole world, as WELL as my extended family. I am lucky. Incredibly lucky.
Yet sometimes, I feel sick when I think about my dad being gone. He was my rock.
I can't shake that feeling sometimes, that I am alone. I was lucky to have my dad. I never doubted for a second his devotion to his family. It is going to take a while to replace that feeling with my new knowledge of the people who love me.
Something huge happened: Chris' parents offered to pay for the whole wedding. My dad was going to contribute at least half. Now that there is no more income from him... and what he left behind is limited, my future in laws offered to take the burden of the wedding on themselves. Which is amazing. Insanely, completely amazing.
Now, I do not have to add the stress of paying for a wedding to my list.
Now, I can focus on finishing my dissertation in the winter/spring without needing to work a crappy retail job.
Now, I can start to feel safe and cared about.
I am so tentatively hopeful.
So... after getting out a good cry, I went to my friend's house and had a girls night with four other girls... we ate and drank wine (I literally had 800 - 900 calories over my daily allotment... yikes! ... but I have been under my allotment by about 200 for the past four days, so I am hoping I didn't screw up too bad). Talked and talked and talked.
Had a good night with the dog AND a good morning with the dog. Got to work (heard Bad Romance on the radio on my drive, yay!) and found an AMAZING parking space (which is hard in the downtown district with all the state workers!). Things are seeming up right now. I see the goodness, I see the possibilities.
Chris is coming home today, whew. So grateful. Huge party tomorrow... this is an annual tradition we call the Rage Cage. It is held in our friend's basement, basically, though we have access to the rest of the house, too. There is a live band that plays every year and 4 -5 DJs that play into the early morning hours. All our friends from downstate come up for this :) Super, super excited. Going to dance the weekend away, for sure!
Will try to update with a picture of my costume this weekend :D
Namaste, friends (love you all, seriously... every comment has been so great to read, even every pageview makes me feel a little less alone, so thank you)
Being an orphan as an adult.... Sucks.
I know I am 30, but it sucks.
It was scary when my mom died when I was a little girl, I needed a mom, but I still had my dad. And he loved me and took care of me. And I knew, for a fact, completely and utterly, that there was one person in the world who would do ANYTHING for me.
And sometimes I am hit in the face with feeling that isn't the case anymore....
I know it's not true, I'm not alone. I have an amazing fiance, an amazing soon to be in law family, and some of the best friends in the whole world, as WELL as my extended family. I am lucky. Incredibly lucky.
Yet sometimes, I feel sick when I think about my dad being gone. He was my rock.
I can't shake that feeling sometimes, that I am alone. I was lucky to have my dad. I never doubted for a second his devotion to his family. It is going to take a while to replace that feeling with my new knowledge of the people who love me.
Something huge happened: Chris' parents offered to pay for the whole wedding. My dad was going to contribute at least half. Now that there is no more income from him... and what he left behind is limited, my future in laws offered to take the burden of the wedding on themselves. Which is amazing. Insanely, completely amazing.
Now, I do not have to add the stress of paying for a wedding to my list.
Now, I can focus on finishing my dissertation in the winter/spring without needing to work a crappy retail job.
Now, I can start to feel safe and cared about.
I am so tentatively hopeful.
So... after getting out a good cry, I went to my friend's house and had a girls night with four other girls... we ate and drank wine (I literally had 800 - 900 calories over my daily allotment... yikes! ... but I have been under my allotment by about 200 for the past four days, so I am hoping I didn't screw up too bad). Talked and talked and talked.
Had a good night with the dog AND a good morning with the dog. Got to work (heard Bad Romance on the radio on my drive, yay!) and found an AMAZING parking space (which is hard in the downtown district with all the state workers!). Things are seeming up right now. I see the goodness, I see the possibilities.
Chris is coming home today, whew. So grateful. Huge party tomorrow... this is an annual tradition we call the Rage Cage. It is held in our friend's basement, basically, though we have access to the rest of the house, too. There is a live band that plays every year and 4 -5 DJs that play into the early morning hours. All our friends from downstate come up for this :) Super, super excited. Going to dance the weekend away, for sure!
Will try to update with a picture of my costume this weekend :D
Namaste, friends (love you all, seriously... every comment has been so great to read, even every pageview makes me feel a little less alone, so thank you)
Thursday, October 25, 2012
10 Things Thursday...
Don't usually do these posts, but I have a lot of little odds and ends to blab about, so here goes:
1. I love looking at the pictures of me in my Halloween dress. I've been feeling out of shape and gross and blobby because I haven't worked out for a MONTH (oh my god)... but eating right has always been about 90% of the battle for me. When I eat right, I look good. And I like seeing the pictures that prove that! Disclaimer: Of course, exercise makes me look REALLY good and feel REALLY good, but I've been grieving, depressed, exhausted and busy. Exercise will start soon (I think in November we will start up our gym membership again and I can do some strength training during my lunch hour... right now, I am just walking at lunch).
2. I stepped in poop in the living room at 6:30 this morning. Sometimes it is really hard to remember why having a dog is a good thing.... grumble.
3. The doggy daycare has been insane the last two times I have dropped Koda off: Tuesday, a lady was covered in blood and sobbing, barefooted... obviously something had happened to her dog and she had rushed to the vet with nothing but her dog and her car keys. I wanted to cry for her :( Thursday (today), a lady jumped out of a cab, yelling that she had an emergency with her dog that was in a carrier... turns out she had just come from the airport where they wouldn't let her dog on the plane because she didn't have any health papers for him and she needs a vet RIGHT NOW to give her papers for him (nevermind that she wasn't even a patient at this vet and they had no idea who she was).... that is not an emergency, that is poor planning... what happened on Tuesday was an emergency.
4. Mailing out the Thank You cards for people who gave flowers/mass cards for my dad... I hate wrapping these things up. As if, if I didn't finish them... he's not REALLY gone. There are a few more steps before it feels totally final: getting his car into our names, selling it... getting the house into our names, getting his accounts into our names... once those are finished, it's done. :(
5. I am going to have wine with some girlfriends tonight. I've been eating really healthy and really paleo since Friday, so I am going to allow myself two (big) glasses of wine tonight.
6. I admit I really am kind of confused how some people's bodies don't lose weight when they are 200-250 pounds and they are eating 800-1200 calories a day. I eat a MINIMUM of 1800 calories a day, I weigh 122 pounds and I still lose weight here and there (if I stay closer to 1800 than 2000 I will lose weight). And I used to be 200 pounds, so it's not like I am some skinny girl with no perspective. However, I don't live their lives and I don't know their bodies... they could have thyroid issues or something similar. I just am shocked that is a reality for people, to eat so little and stay heavy... and I see so many blogs where women seem to have this problem, I am scared that in 10, 15, 20 years, as my metabolism and hormones change, I will be in the same boat as these women I read.
7. I hope that didn't sound insensitive. I never want to come off like I don't have sympathy for other people's lives. I do. I have endless sympathy and feeling for most everyone in my life (real and online). Sometimes I keep things off my blog because, even though I am genuinely questioning something and want to have some outside input, I don't want to upset people. It's always been a thing with me: keeping my mouth shut just in case it might put someone off.
8. I made a 6.5 pound pork loin at the beginning of the week (and it came out AMAZING, with a sage crust and a bit of olive oil, cooked for 3.5 hours)... it has fed Chris and I lunch every day this week and a dinner for each of us! Best 12 dollars I ever spent :D
9. I watch all the scary/gory/horror/violent shows... Walking Dead, American Horror Story, even Boardwalk Empire is super violent/gory. With my dad's death, I have actually been uncomfortable with these shows lately.... death is not something I want to think about right now! I need to watch more silly shows at night.
10. I feel better after my day off yesterday. I got a lot done, but I also got to rest my mind a little. Did a lot of cat snuggling. The dog was kind of annoying yesterday... I took him for two long walks and played with him and he still was a hyper freak at nighttime AND pooped in the house while I slept. I am feeling more like a cat person and less like a dog person every day.
1. I love looking at the pictures of me in my Halloween dress. I've been feeling out of shape and gross and blobby because I haven't worked out for a MONTH (oh my god)... but eating right has always been about 90% of the battle for me. When I eat right, I look good. And I like seeing the pictures that prove that! Disclaimer: Of course, exercise makes me look REALLY good and feel REALLY good, but I've been grieving, depressed, exhausted and busy. Exercise will start soon (I think in November we will start up our gym membership again and I can do some strength training during my lunch hour... right now, I am just walking at lunch).
2. I stepped in poop in the living room at 6:30 this morning. Sometimes it is really hard to remember why having a dog is a good thing.... grumble.
3. The doggy daycare has been insane the last two times I have dropped Koda off: Tuesday, a lady was covered in blood and sobbing, barefooted... obviously something had happened to her dog and she had rushed to the vet with nothing but her dog and her car keys. I wanted to cry for her :( Thursday (today), a lady jumped out of a cab, yelling that she had an emergency with her dog that was in a carrier... turns out she had just come from the airport where they wouldn't let her dog on the plane because she didn't have any health papers for him and she needs a vet RIGHT NOW to give her papers for him (nevermind that she wasn't even a patient at this vet and they had no idea who she was).... that is not an emergency, that is poor planning... what happened on Tuesday was an emergency.
4. Mailing out the Thank You cards for people who gave flowers/mass cards for my dad... I hate wrapping these things up. As if, if I didn't finish them... he's not REALLY gone. There are a few more steps before it feels totally final: getting his car into our names, selling it... getting the house into our names, getting his accounts into our names... once those are finished, it's done. :(
5. I am going to have wine with some girlfriends tonight. I've been eating really healthy and really paleo since Friday, so I am going to allow myself two (big) glasses of wine tonight.
6. I admit I really am kind of confused how some people's bodies don't lose weight when they are 200-250 pounds and they are eating 800-1200 calories a day. I eat a MINIMUM of 1800 calories a day, I weigh 122 pounds and I still lose weight here and there (if I stay closer to 1800 than 2000 I will lose weight). And I used to be 200 pounds, so it's not like I am some skinny girl with no perspective. However, I don't live their lives and I don't know their bodies... they could have thyroid issues or something similar. I just am shocked that is a reality for people, to eat so little and stay heavy... and I see so many blogs where women seem to have this problem, I am scared that in 10, 15, 20 years, as my metabolism and hormones change, I will be in the same boat as these women I read.
7. I hope that didn't sound insensitive. I never want to come off like I don't have sympathy for other people's lives. I do. I have endless sympathy and feeling for most everyone in my life (real and online). Sometimes I keep things off my blog because, even though I am genuinely questioning something and want to have some outside input, I don't want to upset people. It's always been a thing with me: keeping my mouth shut just in case it might put someone off.
8. I made a 6.5 pound pork loin at the beginning of the week (and it came out AMAZING, with a sage crust and a bit of olive oil, cooked for 3.5 hours)... it has fed Chris and I lunch every day this week and a dinner for each of us! Best 12 dollars I ever spent :D
9. I watch all the scary/gory/horror/violent shows... Walking Dead, American Horror Story, even Boardwalk Empire is super violent/gory. With my dad's death, I have actually been uncomfortable with these shows lately.... death is not something I want to think about right now! I need to watch more silly shows at night.
10. I feel better after my day off yesterday. I got a lot done, but I also got to rest my mind a little. Did a lot of cat snuggling. The dog was kind of annoying yesterday... I took him for two long walks and played with him and he still was a hyper freak at nighttime AND pooped in the house while I slept. I am feeling more like a cat person and less like a dog person every day.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Retail therapy... Halloween dress!
So, I got SOME stuff done today. Dog is all walked, the final accounts are transferred into my name (phone, power, etc), and the like.
And I needed to stop by the mall to go to the phone store to do something in person.... figured it wouldn't kill me to just take a LOOK at my favorite store (haven't shopped in months!).
I needed a dress for Halloween because the one I was going to wear is TOO big and I don't feel cute in it at all (mind you, this is a dress I wore this past New Years and felt killer in... and its too big now!).
I saw this dress and it goes along with my theme (Sexy Wolf hahahahahahah I know, I know)... though, uh, a little too sexy. But I made a decision. I feel insanely awesome in this dress. I feel like a femme fatale. Like I could take the world by storm. I don't CARE if it is a little inappropriate. This was awesome therapy for me, I smiled :)
Here's the pictures of me, reveling in being the smallest I've ever been, fitting into a skin tight, showing all flaws, faux-leather, size SMALL dress :D
Heck. I might even wear this for New Years this year :D
I will post my final costume pictures this weekend (I've got some furry leg things and a big old wolf hood and FACE PAINT yeah).
How to do it all?
I'm exhausted. Seriously and completely exhausted.
Had to call in sick today or I could see this spiraling out of control.
Slept in an hour later than normal... dog peed in the living room.
I should fix my house, call my cell phone company, finishing addressing thank you cards for my dad's wake (ugh worst job ever), get the dog out for a long walk, etc etc etc...
I just want to pull the covers over my head and see you next week.
I don't know how people have the energy to constantly go go go... I have just about zero.
Also: noticed a trend.... when Chris isn't here, my weight drops 2-3 pounds, when he is here, it goes back to normal. I think he is the one making meals for me and making sure I eat consistently. It's just not a top priority for me.... today, I am going to try. Made a delicious almond yogurt/blueberry/mango smoothie to start the day, even when I wasn't hungry. Just to get the body fed and start the day.
I might go lay back down for just a little bit... see if I have the energy to do anything at all today.
Had to call in sick today or I could see this spiraling out of control.
Slept in an hour later than normal... dog peed in the living room.
I should fix my house, call my cell phone company, finishing addressing thank you cards for my dad's wake (ugh worst job ever), get the dog out for a long walk, etc etc etc...
I just want to pull the covers over my head and see you next week.
I don't know how people have the energy to constantly go go go... I have just about zero.
Also: noticed a trend.... when Chris isn't here, my weight drops 2-3 pounds, when he is here, it goes back to normal. I think he is the one making meals for me and making sure I eat consistently. It's just not a top priority for me.... today, I am going to try. Made a delicious almond yogurt/blueberry/mango smoothie to start the day, even when I wasn't hungry. Just to get the body fed and start the day.
I might go lay back down for just a little bit... see if I have the energy to do anything at all today.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Monday... ah, Monday
I used to never be the kind of person who complained about Mondays. Monday is just another day of the week, no better or worse.
But now that Monday brings with it super early wake ups AND Chris leaving for five days.... I am starting to kind of hate on Monday. Grr.
So, yeah, today is Monday. Bringing with it a little bit of funk. Going to miss Chris, a lot. A lot, a lot. But life goes on and there is a lot to do and I will focus on all of that and watch some bad TV and take care of the dog and then Friday will be here and he will be home :)
Friday/Saturday were not good eating days for me. Friday was the surprise party my friends threw for us and I ate and drank a lot of completely processed, bad for me things. The hangover on Saturday while we were moving/running errands.... I might blame that for the INSANE decision to eat pizza (oh my, I do love pizza... it was one of the reasons I went paleo, because I think I was obsessed with pizza... I had an amazing slice on Satuday, but that is my last slice of pizza for the year, no more!) and then eat fries when I went out to dinner with friends on Saturday.
^.^
Consequence: up to 124 pounds from 121 last week. Three pounds is ridiculous.
Not that I think being 124 pounds is ridiculous, it's a very low weight for me. I just want to find a healthy, stable balance before the holidays start up... there is no reason for my weight to fluctuate so much.
So, using this long week without Chris to really lock down on my eating and to go back to super clean, health-focused eating. Eating for pleasure has become a pretty common behavior for me this past month.
Chris and I also decided to go back to a pretty strict version of paleo for the holidays, so that we can keep ourselves in check and not start binging on pies and cheese and things, haha.
Not to much else new on this front.... we finished moving basically (which is great, means I can focus my energies on organizing the house instead of cramming more junk into it!) and are plugging along with everything else. Life is not easy right now. Chris and I have been reduced to tears more than once... we are learning, feeling, growing up, changing.
It is a painful, but necessary, process called life.
But now that Monday brings with it super early wake ups AND Chris leaving for five days.... I am starting to kind of hate on Monday. Grr.
So, yeah, today is Monday. Bringing with it a little bit of funk. Going to miss Chris, a lot. A lot, a lot. But life goes on and there is a lot to do and I will focus on all of that and watch some bad TV and take care of the dog and then Friday will be here and he will be home :)
Friday/Saturday were not good eating days for me. Friday was the surprise party my friends threw for us and I ate and drank a lot of completely processed, bad for me things. The hangover on Saturday while we were moving/running errands.... I might blame that for the INSANE decision to eat pizza (oh my, I do love pizza... it was one of the reasons I went paleo, because I think I was obsessed with pizza... I had an amazing slice on Satuday, but that is my last slice of pizza for the year, no more!) and then eat fries when I went out to dinner with friends on Saturday.
^.^
Consequence: up to 124 pounds from 121 last week. Three pounds is ridiculous.
Not that I think being 124 pounds is ridiculous, it's a very low weight for me. I just want to find a healthy, stable balance before the holidays start up... there is no reason for my weight to fluctuate so much.
So, using this long week without Chris to really lock down on my eating and to go back to super clean, health-focused eating. Eating for pleasure has become a pretty common behavior for me this past month.
Chris and I also decided to go back to a pretty strict version of paleo for the holidays, so that we can keep ourselves in check and not start binging on pies and cheese and things, haha.
Not to much else new on this front.... we finished moving basically (which is great, means I can focus my energies on organizing the house instead of cramming more junk into it!) and are plugging along with everything else. Life is not easy right now. Chris and I have been reduced to tears more than once... we are learning, feeling, growing up, changing.
It is a painful, but necessary, process called life.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Amazing gift...
Wow.
Last night, we went to a friend's house to have dinner with them and another couple.
So we thought!
We showed up and about a dozen of our friends are there, all waving and exclaiming and making a fuss. I was so confused! After a few moments, I pieced it together: they were surprising Chris and I with a party to cheer us up after the hard times we had been having!!!
It was truly amazing. There was a card with notes from everyone, AND from the people we know who lived downstate but couldn't make it, AND gifts cards for hundreds of dollars for Home Depot and Bed Bath and Beyond! Then, my good friend sent me on a scavenger hunt, where I found more little presents such as a super nice, dog proofed garbage can for the kitchen, hehe :)
Then we ate and drank and laughed and it was so insanely amazing and generous and thoughtful.
They wanted us to know they loved us and damn, did I feel loved.
I am a little hungover this morning, however, since I drank a little too much wine last night. Trying to finish up all the moving by tomorrow (have some heavy lifting to do tomorrow, ugh). But for now, I am done for the day, going to chill out, see some more of our friends tonight, but get to bed early so I can rest up!
Thankful and smiling, I hope you all are having a good day!
Last night, we went to a friend's house to have dinner with them and another couple.
So we thought!
We showed up and about a dozen of our friends are there, all waving and exclaiming and making a fuss. I was so confused! After a few moments, I pieced it together: they were surprising Chris and I with a party to cheer us up after the hard times we had been having!!!
It was truly amazing. There was a card with notes from everyone, AND from the people we know who lived downstate but couldn't make it, AND gifts cards for hundreds of dollars for Home Depot and Bed Bath and Beyond! Then, my good friend sent me on a scavenger hunt, where I found more little presents such as a super nice, dog proofed garbage can for the kitchen, hehe :)
Then we ate and drank and laughed and it was so insanely amazing and generous and thoughtful.
They wanted us to know they loved us and damn, did I feel loved.
I am a little hungover this morning, however, since I drank a little too much wine last night. Trying to finish up all the moving by tomorrow (have some heavy lifting to do tomorrow, ugh). But for now, I am done for the day, going to chill out, see some more of our friends tonight, but get to bed early so I can rest up!
Thankful and smiling, I hope you all are having a good day!
Friday, October 19, 2012
Rainy Friday... talking about strength.
So grateful Chris got to come back from work travel a day early... he was there this morning, walking the dog in the pouring rain while I stayed in and made us breakfast. Phew.
Still weighing in at 123 right now. Glad for that. Steady and normal.
This blog is about physical health, for sure... but I always intended it to be about mental/spiritual health, as well. Obviously, the past month, you have seen blog posts from me super focused on my mental health and how to get back to a normal place. Not there, yet, but close.
I feel like there are a lot of parallels towards my struggle right now to be mentally healthy and my struggles in the past for physical health.
When I feel low and down and have no energy.... I still have to do "it." I still have to do what is right for me and healthy for me. That means no laying down in bed with a snack and a TV show and tuning the world out (not for mental health and not for physical health).
This is HARD. This requires strength and perserverance and doing "it" all the time. It isn't something you are born with, that strength, it is just something you do. Every morning you get up and you do what you know is right, even though it is hard, even though it would be easier to be lazy and not try, you are strong and you create strength in yourself.
Every day I get up early and take care of the dog and the house and get to work and sacrifice the sweet, laziness I used to have.... I feel stronger and like it will be easier to do the next day.
When I got healthy physically... I changed from someone who used to sleep late and eat a huge breakfast of sugar and then watch TV to someone who woke up super early and started walking and came home and ate a sensible breakfast. Why? I had to. If I wanted health, I had to and I realized that.
The same thing now. If I want to smile again, to feel light again, to be healthy mentally again, I have to do the work. I can't just sit back, be lazy, and hide. I have to do these things, be this person... even if I am faking it sometimes, just DOING it makes me that person. Then soon, there is no faking, this is who I am.
Anyway.... lots of blather.
I wish I could be more articulate about how I feel about these things.
Everyone can get to where they want to be. But it needs to come from them, they need to DO it and do it every day. They need to do the hard things and not resent it.
One thing for me: I've started writing again, creatively. I never really mentioned it on this blog, but growing up, I wanted to be a fiction writer for a living. I wanted to write stories and books. I wrote for years and years but was so SHY and so disbelieving of what I was capable of... I gave up.
But not now. I have been dedicating time every day to putting my words down on paper. To doing it.
Namaste, friends, I hope you do "it" today :)
Still weighing in at 123 right now. Glad for that. Steady and normal.
This blog is about physical health, for sure... but I always intended it to be about mental/spiritual health, as well. Obviously, the past month, you have seen blog posts from me super focused on my mental health and how to get back to a normal place. Not there, yet, but close.
I feel like there are a lot of parallels towards my struggle right now to be mentally healthy and my struggles in the past for physical health.
When I feel low and down and have no energy.... I still have to do "it." I still have to do what is right for me and healthy for me. That means no laying down in bed with a snack and a TV show and tuning the world out (not for mental health and not for physical health).
This is HARD. This requires strength and perserverance and doing "it" all the time. It isn't something you are born with, that strength, it is just something you do. Every morning you get up and you do what you know is right, even though it is hard, even though it would be easier to be lazy and not try, you are strong and you create strength in yourself.
Every day I get up early and take care of the dog and the house and get to work and sacrifice the sweet, laziness I used to have.... I feel stronger and like it will be easier to do the next day.
When I got healthy physically... I changed from someone who used to sleep late and eat a huge breakfast of sugar and then watch TV to someone who woke up super early and started walking and came home and ate a sensible breakfast. Why? I had to. If I wanted health, I had to and I realized that.
The same thing now. If I want to smile again, to feel light again, to be healthy mentally again, I have to do the work. I can't just sit back, be lazy, and hide. I have to do these things, be this person... even if I am faking it sometimes, just DOING it makes me that person. Then soon, there is no faking, this is who I am.
Anyway.... lots of blather.
I wish I could be more articulate about how I feel about these things.
Everyone can get to where they want to be. But it needs to come from them, they need to DO it and do it every day. They need to do the hard things and not resent it.
One thing for me: I've started writing again, creatively. I never really mentioned it on this blog, but growing up, I wanted to be a fiction writer for a living. I wanted to write stories and books. I wrote for years and years but was so SHY and so disbelieving of what I was capable of... I gave up.
But not now. I have been dedicating time every day to putting my words down on paper. To doing it.
Namaste, friends, I hope you do "it" today :)
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