Complete and Utter Bananas

Well, things are BANANAS as usual around here!

Still don't have my car back.

Money pouring out faster than it comes in.

Can't seem to make any progress on my dissertation.

Teeth issues.

House soon to be painted (upstairs).

General sense of being overwhelmed!

(And I'm thinking of adding a baby to this mix?! WTF?!)

I actually have a chance to go camping with some friends this weekend. However, Chris and Koda would not be able to go. But Chris is urging me to go, anyway. To just get away for a few days, and not think about any of these things that I can't help right this moment.

I think he's right and I'm going to go.

Maybe next week, I'll have my car, my professor will have gotten back to me, my TWO dental appointments will be near, and I will feel a little more relaxed.

I'm doing EVERYTHING I can to stay healthy. 

Eating well (whole and clean and 99% paleo)

No alcohol

Exercising (and just getting outside and active about an hour a day with the dog)

Carving out an hour of the evening where I am not running around like a chicken with my head cut off!!

And it's working - I am stressed, but I feel okay, in the end. I feel healthy. My weight is stable (122.5 all week). I'm sleeping.

It's ok :)

See? Smiling at work, even :)

Just have to keep plugging along, keep working on what matters to me, and making time to enjoy life!

<3

Whole Foods - eck!

I got a $10 off $50 coupon in the mail for our local Whole Foods yesterday so I finally decided to give it a try.

RIP OFF ALERT!

Holy Cow - I do most of my shopping at my local co-op and at the neighborhood Hannaford. I buy the same staples every week and usually have the same splurges and treats, as well. So I know what things cost.

Whole Foods does not stand up to the price comparison game in my area! The local grocer and co-op beat them hands down. The organic meats were insanely overpriced, in fact, anything labeled as organic was insanely overpriced. They price gouge like crazy on the items that appeal to their target audience.

Example: The organic sunflower seed butter that I buy at my local grocer was four dollars more expensive at Whole Foods! 

Simple staples like produce, eggs, etc were stupidly expensive.

And the quality wasn't anything to talk about!

The creepy produce display was weirdly bright colored, way too shiny, and I know from years of experience buying produce, would not taste fresh. 

The produce department was way too small for me, too. Terrible variety. The whole store focuses on premade foods in general. Not my scene. Premade tends towards preservatives, chemicals, and ingredients that I'm not sure what they are.

I like to know what I'm eating!

I haven't said this in a long time, but food is the best preventative medicine you can have. I still believe that and practice that 100%.

Foods that I ate today: wild organic blueberries, organic sunflower seed butter, cottage cheese, flax milk, pumpkin, beets, roast chicken, sweet potatoes, green beans, cantaloupe, almonds, carrots, summer squash, onions, garlic, olive oil, organic dark chocolate.

The only processed item? The chocolate - and I pay significantly more for good dark chocolate with minimal ingredients when I do have it (and Chris and I have stopped having it every day to save $).

So, in the end?

Not going back to Whole Foods - it seems to be the epitome of "healthy" marketing in this country ... Lots of people pouring their money into the idea of healthy but missing the point.

Sorry if you love your Whole Foods- but for my area, it is a waste of time and money when you look at the nearby alternatives! My opinion is obviously colored by the stores and stuff available to me.

I guess if Whole Foods was the only option in my area, I'd go!

I did get some local honey and organic almond milk and organic broth on sale and used my coupon, so not a wasted trip haha :)

New Birthday Traditions!

Today was Koda's birthday! He turned four years old, and we've had him for almost 2 years (September 22 was the day he became ours).

So we celebrated in the perfect way for our healthy, happy, athletic dog. Hiking!

He also got a special dinner that included chicken giblets (ew).

But it made me think of something.

We do not center our celebration of our dogs birthday with food (because he doesn't even know it's his birthday, ha ha ha, but I do know people who give their dogs cupcakes on their birthdays!).

And we don't do the traditional birthday cake on our birthdays, either!

I realize that the past several birthday celebrations for both me and Chris have not centered around food, and certainly not around cake.

Sure, we might have had a particularly nice dinner on the day of, but that's not the star. Chris always wants a hike much more than he wants a cake :)

We've gotten rid of a lot of traditions that are common in our society that just don't work for us, and it's kind of nice to be free to do what we want. We used to eat cake on my birthday because my dad wanted to celebrate in that way (and years ago, I did too!). But not anymore... Cake isn't quite grain free, now, is it? I asked for paleo pumpkin pie this past birthday, hehe- it's a protein bomb!

But really, I think the whole family prefers celebrating by being outside and being active a lot more lately than by celebrating with food.

So hiking it is - a new tradition!

Happy Birthday to my buddy <3

Pumpkin Smoothies to Bonfires

Guess it is fall around these parts!

I'm feeling ever so slightly better (but also kind of braced for the next shoe to drop... I never feel like life ever evens out, but is a series of short highs and intense lows... TRYING to have a rosier outlook!)

Some nice things from the last day or two:

Paleo Pumpkin Smoothie! - put 2 bananas, can of pumpkin, several cups of flax milk and cinnamon, nutmeg and allspice in the blender ... Come out with several servings if a delicious pumpkin smoothie!!!

No high fat/high cal/chemical pumpkin coffee "drinks" for me this year!

What else?

Ah yes, my favorite! Breakfast for dinner!

Chris made a lovely tomato spinach omelette for me :)

Finished off last night with a bonfire with friends - got to wear a hoodie and fuzzy boots and feel super cozy.

Chris is off hiking today (something that would be as scary/challenging as our last .. He thought it would not be a good hike for either me or Koda, so the dog and I are going to walk to our city's big park and play :)

That's all- some light and fun after my doom and gloom!

Check in: blame, guilt, weight

Still struggling with life at the moment - forgiving myself is proving to be hard. I made a mistake (big mistake) and I can't seem to shake the deep down belief that I need to pay for it by feeling awful. And I feel guilty when I stop feeling awful!

I know this is not the way to think/believe... But I can't seem to shake it.

I think just time passing will help me feel better.

I decided to weigh in today - 122 lbs even. Strange, it's a weight I haven't seen since I started working!

Contributing the lower weight to stress AND the fact that I no longer turn to food to soothe my stress. (Wow, what a difference...)

But still here, still reading your blogs, just a little quieter as I try to get back to a good mental place! Still pursuing health in body and mind :)

Namaste <3

Quiet

So- I've been quiet around here and might continue to be for a while.

Bills for the car repair total about 3 months salary...

Insurance only covers 25% of the root canal/crown I need... Meaning I'll be paying a months salary for that.

And my jaw hurts from the problem tooth :(

My brother is going to help us with the initial out of pocket expenses for the car and I feel like crap.

I messed up royally.

Had I had collision insurance... I would have only had to pay $500.

I am trying not to beat myself up, but it's hard. I feel sick all day over it.

So just out trying to deal with this.. 

One Year

In some respects, this year has flown by.

In others, I feel like I've lived a whole lifetime in this year!

Either way, it's been great - even with all its up and downs - and I feel lucky to be here now, with a husband I love, pets, friends, family and a life I love.

One year ago today, I married my best friend. The best decision I've ever made! He is truly my partner, even when we struggle, and I look forward to the future :)

Our celebration weekend was GREAT! We went to the Finger Lakes region of New York, famous for being New York's wine country, and really enjoyed ourselves.

We went up Friday night, and I had two margaritas and got pretty drunk (I am a lightweight since I stopped drinking much at all) and got us kind of lost because I was supposed to navigate us to the hotel while Chris drove. It was funny, though, and we arrived safely.

The hotel was really nice, we had a free room because Chris stays in hotels a lot for work and accumulates hotel points. They upgraded us to a suite with a king sized bed for free, too!

Now, I will warn you - I did NOT live a grain free lifestyle this weekend. As evidence by my drunk eating of the complimentary cheezits and powerade in the hotel:

But, no fear! My anniversary weekend wasn't an excuse to laze around and eat junk! We got out there and were really active (so active we ended up needing a nap because we were exhausted).

We kayaked and hiked during the day around Cayuga Lake (the hike was at Buttermilk Falls). Some pics:

 We also made sure to stop at some of the local wineries this weekend:

And the highlight of the weekend was eating at Hazelnut Kitchen in Trumansburg, NY (near Ithaca). Chris' old college buddy owns, and is the chef, of the restaurant. It was AWESOME - it is a farm to table restaurant with amazing, fresh, healthy ingredients. They specialize in gluten free foods, vegetarian foods, and can make any dish to your specific needs. His friend, Justin, is a spectacular chef, too! And he treated us really well (even had a personalized menu):

We started with a grilled watermelon salad and a corn chowder with crab cakes. Both perfects, fresh, and tasty!

I got a fish entree - Faroe Island salmon with a cauliflower tabbouleh and beet puree (grain free!) and Chris got a beautiful pork belly dish.

We shared dessert, a basil panna cotta:

It is a really nice, more upscale restaurant and the focus is on the tastes and the ingredients, NOT the quantity. So, even though we each had an app and an entree and shared a dessert, the portion sizes were all incredibly reasonable and such high quality that we did NOT feel stuffed at the end of dinner! It was great - we felt nourished, not gross. So often, after a big restaurant meal, we end up regretting our choices and aching bellies. Not this time!! Taught me a good lesson about how it is possible to go out to eat and still treat your body like a temple :)

We went back to the hotel and just hung out and enjoyed each other's company. It was a really great weekend and I felt really, really happy and sated and smiley at the end of it. It is nice to have someone you can spend days on end with and never get tired of them! 

We also like the same type of lifestyle, so it was great to be able to hike and kayak AND indulge in wine and some delicious food. A nice balance! We are not the type of couple who could just lay around all weekend, indulging in food and drink, we NEED to be active and explore the world :) 

So I am content. Going to sign off now and watch some TV in bed with Chris :) :) :)

Car Accident (not major!)

Sooooo.

Yep.

Distracted, thoughtless me hit someone yesterday. Everyone's ok. But it sucked and was stupid.

And REALLY stupid me doesn't have collision insurance (so the other guts car was covered under my insurance, not mine).

I'm struggling not to beat myself up as I wait for the repair estimate.

Ever feel like you just can't get ahead? Catch a break? Yeah.

I hate finances and money stuff-- we JUST set a budget and had some good plans laid out. And BAM my thoughtlessness sets us back months.

Sigh.

So I had a bad night last night.

Working on moving on (which I'll do better after I know the $$$ total!)

Going away tonight for my anniversary so you won't hear too much from me over the weekend!

Disordered Thoughts MIA?

It struck me last evening that I cannot remember the last disordered thought I have had or when it was.

And that was STRANGE!

My life has been pretty well defined by a quasi-eating disorder for more than half my life.

Before going Paleo, I floundered a LOT, fluctuating between obsessive calorie counting, binging, restriction, purging, over exercising and even short periods of fairly normal behaviors.

After Paleo, removing grains and dairy especially, I removed a lot of the physical reasons for my disordered thoughts (I wasn't poisoned by chemicals, preservatives, etc... I didn't feel constantly bloated... I was full of real energy.... I got off the ups and downs of refined sugars) and so the thoughts themselves decreased, too.

But they weren't gone. They had become deeply embedded thought patterns .. a way I dealt with the world, with pain, with feeling out of control. They popped up at strange times, especially if I strayed from my plan of being Paleo. And, I was still tracking/counting calories, putting my mind into an already disordered place.

I still struggled early this year.

Then, I had that really scary medical emergency, one that was close to killing me if I hadn't gotten to the hospital.

It was a wake up call.

I wanted a better life.

I pursued therapy and worked on myself. I read books and constantly challenged my own patterns of thinking and my patterns of behavior.

Now, with the calorie counting OUT of my life and listening to my body (and pursuing a knowledge and practice of nutrition) IN, I have shaken off even more of the disordered patterns/thoughts/behaviors off.

I still hover around 123 lbs with minimal effort... I overeat occasionally, I indulge, but it is all abated by eating well (well rounded nutrition, moderate, etc) more than 90-95% of the time.

Now, I am not saying that I'm cured. I am not saying that I don't still struggle with disordered thoughts.  Food and exercise was a way I could feel in control of my life - it is hard accepting I can't control everything! But it has been important work, work I'm still doing. I lived that way for almost 2 decades, it doesn't go away in the blink of an eye.

But, it hasn't BEEN the blink of an eye!

This work started a long, long, long time ago. Five years, 10 years. The day I decided I wanted to lose weight, The day I decided I wanted to lose weight in a HEALTHY way, the day I decided I wanted to be athletic, the day I decided I wanted to be "normal," the day I decided I deserved better, the day I decided I wanted to be happy. All different days, all years apart.

Years of learning about health, fitness, and nutrition. Years of discovering I didn't have to stay the way I've always been. Years of learning I could change the way my mind works, just the way I could change the way my body work.

I found what worked for me and my specific problems.

Your journey will be different.

The reason I'm putting this down here, is to let you know it is possible. Don't get discouraged if it doesn't happen next month, or next year. Changing the human mind is a lot harder than changing the human body.

But it is possible. I never thought it was. I continued to never think it was possible that I would ever be normal, until I just kept working, and I woke up today and realized I have been very normal (ahem.. "normal") for many months.

It goes along with my previous post about the mountain I climbed and how it is important always challenge yourself.

We, as humans, our ever-changing and ever evolving. Life itself is a journey of spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical growth. Never stop believing that things can change (and never start believing that things will change that you don't work on!)

Have a beautiful day <3

Banana Mango Ice Cream

1 frozen banana, a cup of frozen mango chunks and a splash of coconut milk, spiced with cinnamon and cardamom = a perfect treat on a hot summer night!

I'm pretty lactose intolerant so eliminating dairy on the Paleo diet was a great change for me... But I love ice cream in the summer, so using frozen banana as a base rocked my world :)

Short one this morning, got to get back in the swing of work after a long weekend!

<3

Scariest Thing I've Done This Year

Have you ever spent a good chunk of your holiday weekend clinging to the bare rock of a 4000+ foot mountain, exposed and terrified?

I did on Saturday! We climbed Grace Peak in the Adirondacks by taking the Great Slide route.

This is a route I swore up and down I would never attempt, because it was too overwhelming looking and sounding. I had stood at the bottom of it last year, crying, and did not climb it.

Take a look:

This a picture of what is called a slide (where a land slide has stripped the plants and earth from a mountain, leaving the rock exposed), a semi-popular way to climb mountains in my area. This picture is taken from about the middle of the slide, looking up towards the summit. My route followed that bare rock all the way up.

I climb a lot of mountains, but I don't CLIMB them, I hike them and sometimes have to do rock scrambles. Any true climbing is limited to 10-15 feet max.

This was way out of my comfort zone.

Why did I do it?

Because it scared me. Because, when faced with the chance to climb it last year, I chickened out. Because it was hard.

And oh, it was hard for me. The exposure! I hate feeling so totally exposed when the slope is that high. I like feeling protected by the trees (so if I slip and fall, I won't fall more than a few feet). There could be NO slipping here, or else I could get really hurt (and see how it is wet in places!).

The scariest moments, by far, were the moments when I had to traverse sideways and vertically along a crack, only my toes balanced on a rock, my fingers shoved in the cracks, hips pressed close to the mountain, and nothing below me except 100 feet of near vertical rock.

More pictures:

The pictures cannot fully show you how crazy this is! My heart rate was HIGH the entire time from adrenaline. At one point, while clinging to a part that jutted out that I had to scoot around (meaning I was hanging off the mountain, with only my own strength to keep me on), I was trying to reach up and grab a rock and some scrub to pull myself up, and I found that my leg was trembling beyond my control. I had to stand in that spot, deep breathing and getting control of myself before I could make a move.

The summit was the least scary part of the climb, because the cracks in the mountain were SO deep, they shielded me on all sides and I felt safe.

The summit was TRULY gorgeous. The day was perfect - warm but not hot, clear, stunning skies and views. AND - we had the summit to ourselves! So lucky on a busy holiday weekend.

We went down a different way - down a protected, treed-in herd path. Safe back at camp, we got to ENJOY camp. It was a great site, with our own waterfalls, swimming holes, and quiet space:

I did something I swore last year I never would - something I thought I could NOT do, something that was too scary.

And here I am! Alive, more alive than before I did it, and enthralled. :)  My body was stronger, more balanced, more capable than I could imagine. I am learning to put more and more trust in myself through the years, which leads me to accomplished bigger and better things.

Challenge yourself, you might surprise yourself!

Hope everyone's weekend was great. We took today, Monday, to fix up the house, pull up the last carpet, organize, clean, and get ready for our week (so much gorgeous food in the house - roast chicken, beets, cantaloupe, sweet potatoes, tons of spinach, the usual!).

Namaste <3