How I'm Feeling, Small recap

What a roller coaster of emotions, so much happening:

- Chris left to travel for work for the rest of the week (sigh - bye husband!!!)

- I am still riding very high from the love I felt and was shown all weekend

- Experiencing cravings like never before from having eaten items like pizza or cake at least once a day for the past five days!

- Always terribly aware of this date - I know there have been lots of huge tragedies worldwide and through time, but being a New Yorker and of this generation, it is all just still so real.

So much to think about, so much to do. Still got to get my life put back together after the wedding (the dining room, aka. the staging area for the wedding, is a disaster area!). Still haven't unpacked my bags, hahah. And got to figure out if I am going to try and get my wedding dress clean (trashed it!). The house needs cleaning. Got to get back in the flow!

I am still reeling from the weekend. It was amazing. And I got everything I wanted: all my friends and family had an amazing time, huge smiles, and danced like maniacs!!

The ceremony was gorgeous, a fire was crackling in the fireplace of the Adirondack church, the flowers were stunning, our friend was a perfect officiant (his voice even cracked as he tried not to cry in his opening lines, it was so lovely and I will never forget that!), our groomsmen did an emotional and energetic acoustic performance of Mumford and Sons' "Sigh No More," and Chris' vows reduced me to a blubbering mess (seriously they were so amazing that a lot of people asked me for a copy of his vows afterwards)!

Two cute moments:

- Our officiant was about to go into a little talk about love/marriage and asked if we were marrying the wrong person... he paused and looked at Chris, who didn't answer and then me, and I kind of shrugged and said no! He told me it was a hypothetical question and Chris knew it was coming... but I didn't know, so I answered, and that got a laugh from everyone, too.

- Instead of the normal "I Do"s, I yanked a little piece of the "Game of Thrones" dialogue and used these words: "I am his and he is mine, from this day, till the end of my days" (replace her and she for Chris!)... and when I was saying "he is mine," I got a huge laugh from the audience and I am not even sure why - I think I was too excited, hahahahha.

I heard over and over that our ceremony was unforgettable and beautiful - and that a lot of people walked out of the church a little dumbfounded and not talking for a while!! It was a strange compliment to get over and over that it was someone's favorite wedding they had been to (this before they even got to the reception!) but I made sure to graciously accept the compliment (I don't always accept compliments well).

There were lots of sweet moments, lots of laughs, and lots of tears at the ceremony. I can't wait to get the video our friends' shot for us! I really felt comfortable and happy up on that altar. It was just like I imagined: I was totally IN the moment, completely there, and NOT worrying about how I looked!!  I stood up straight and got to be wholly myself. It was amazing and worth all the effort this past year :)

Now, I have some work to do to get over these craving for SWEETS, SWEETS, SWEETS, BREAD, BREAD, BREAD. I don't regret a single thing I ate this past weekend - it wasn't crazy, but it wasn't exactly healthy, I wasn't destroying my body with food and alcohol, I was just enjoying my festivities. My once in a lifetime celebration :D

Sidenote: I only had two drinks at my own reception! I was so HIGH naturally on endorphin and adrenaline and all those amazing natural chemicals that occur when you are truly, truly happy that I didn't need anything!

So that's a small recap of the ceremony for you, and me letting you know that I ate all those things I haven't eaten for months and months (and suffering a bit of an upset stomach in return!). More to come, I'm sure, as I gather my thoughts together!

Forgive me!!

Blogging is NOT easy right now- life is a swirling, busy time of laughing, pictures, chatting, and cleaning up after the wedding explosion of THINGS and STUFF!!

So I will leave you with a few more pictures to tide you over till I can give you an actual recap (just know that I ate my ENTIRE dinner at my wedding - filet mignon, yessssss!).

And that's just a taste of the FREAKING BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!! Seriously - everything went perfectly and I couldn't be happier.

Still on cloud 9 ;)

Am catching up on blogs slowly!!

Namaste <3

First look :)

Exhausted and utterly joyful, wanted to share a photo Chris' cousin snapped just after the ceremony:

Quickest recap: everything went amazingly well and there is not one regret!! Super happy <3

Internet in the Woods!!

I'm enjoying the fact that we have internet and cell service here in the Adirondacks when we never have before!!

I had a great quiet evening and morning with Chris' family at their cabin :)

Now just killing time till the rehearsal dinner!!

It's so real and strange :)

<3

Final Countdown

I'm not sure when the next time I'll write here again will be! I might very well be a married woman by then :)

Everything is all set, looks good, and is as ready as it is going to be!

And I am leaving the house weighing in for the last time before my wedding because I will not risk weighing in on another scale that might weigh different. I only weigh in on one scale to make sure I am measuring progress rather than a specific number.

And I weighed in 100% at goal. 100% where I wanted to be on my wedding day -- 119.2 lbs.

The last time I made and hit a goal was almost 2 years ago (when I wanted to be under 130 to get my thigh tattoo!). It feels good to follow through this time and to have no regrets. I know I certainly have no OTHER regrets about marrying Chris, so it is nice to feel the same in the rest of my life!

I have nothing else to say, my blog friends, except OH MY GOD OH MY GOD, it really IS my wedding coming up, I really AM marrying the love of my life, and I've never been sooo sooo happy :)

I'm glad I got all the stress and work done LAST week, because I am finally just enjoying this all.

Health and Happiness!

When to go off plan!

I weighed in at 118.6 this morning. I've lost almost ten pounds since the beginning of summer. And I will pat myself on the back and say that was no small feat!!! 

Moderate portions, focus on lean meats and vegetables, fruit and nuts as snacks. I did not drink much this summer, and when I did, it was at a wedding or a music festival... I never drank just to drink or at a little social gathering. That stuff adds up like crazy.

Buuuuuut...

Last night, my brother got into town. We don't see him too much, he lives in a different state and has a really busy job. (Also, a new girlfriend, oooooh). He's in town to take care of some estate stuff with my dad and for the wedding! He invited us out to dinner....

Of course, I said yes!!!

I had almost 800 calories saved up for dinner, anyway, and knew if I wanted to, I could make a great choice at this restaurant we were going to. They are a kind of "New American" style place. Awesome burgers, artisan pizzas, unique sides, good pasta, and some fancier fish or steak dinners.

I ordered the grilled Ahi tuna and shrimp meal, it was over a bed of couscous with an avocado and tomato relish.

It was STUNNING. And because the seafood was grilled, it wasn't soaked in unnecessary sauces or oils. The relish was super fresh and lovely. And the couscous was really nice, too, with some sort of a citrus and herb marinade. 

I had the opportunity to order any of a bunch of things that could have derailed my night (I looooove their pizzas!!). Instead, I had a really lovely, super tasty, and kind of special dish that was naturally very lean and full of protein (which fits perfectly into what I am doing right now anyway)! 

The lesson? I went off plan. But it was insanely WORTH it. And none of it was junk that would hurt my body, anyway. I see people go off their plans all the time... and to me, the splurges or indulgences are not worth it. Store bought cookies or fast food hamburgers, etc. My general rule is that when I go off plan - it is going to be really special, high quality food prepared by a skilled chef who knows how  to bring out all the flavors to their utmost! I still adhere to my general mantra: things I put into my body should not hurt me. So this eliminates processed crap with chemicals from being part of my "off plan." 

I did go a little further and have a glass of chardonnay. Ohhhh, wine! How I love wine! It's amazing I've been so moderate with it this summer, especially with all the stress of the upcoming wedding. I only had the one glass and will wait till the wedding to drink again. But it fit into my calorie goal, because the dinner I ordered was so lean :)

Don't go off plan for oreos or pizza or other crap -- wait for the special, lovely meals!!

Chris and I took a long walk with Koda after dinner, to sort of get our metabolisms going and help the digestive process. Neither of us were overly full, but it was a richer dinner than either of us are used to. It was my THIRD long walk of the day. :)

Yep, feeling great that I went out to dinner, was treated to something special, and even had a glass of wine but still lost weight. Gives me alllllll sorts of hope!!

Going to babysit this morning, then go get pampered and beautified a little at a nice spa in town, then finish packing because I leave TOMORROW for the town I am getting married in (holy crap).

Namaste - be good to yourselves <3

Stress reduced and what I ate yesterday...

I finally broke through a wall yesterday. I've had this low level of stress just sort of hanging around my mind and my body for a couple of weeks now. Having Chris home, I just asked him to help me with some things, take some stuff off my plate, took an afternoon nap, played a game... and all of a sudden, in the evening, I just felt plain ol' GOOD!

And it was amazing.

Stress is super hard to deal with. At the Mindfulness talk, Thich Nhat Hanh mentioned that most people in this country turn to consumption to deal with suffering. I have not let that be an option for me this summer - I've been eating very moderately and can count the number of days I drank on my fingers.

So if I don't turn to consumption, then what? Well, I just sit with it, feel it, understand it. Try to be nice to myself.

But, still, it was super awesome to have Chris take some of the load off of me and give me an opportunity to fully relax.

In a good place today :) Maybe the lack of stress let my body fully relax, too, let go of any inflammation it was holding onto, because I weighed in a 119 even this morning. I love it :)

So I HAVE been very moderate and careful with portion sizes, and sticking very close to a clean eating/paleo template. Thought I would give you an idea of what I ate yesterday:

Breakfast: almond milk yogurt, 1 piece bacon, banana, coffee and flax milk

Lunch: sweet potato, 2 eggs, half a tomato, guacamole

Dinner: huge spinach salad with a can of tuna, tomato, olive oil and balsamic vinegar

Snacks: 1/2 bar chocolate (haha this is an every other day treat I won't stop!), coconut pudding, nectarine

Water: I don't keep track, but at LEAST 64 ounces

This all came out to about 1400 calories, which is about 300 less than I would eat in a normal day. All that means is that I gave up a snack, or reduced the portion size of my meals. No big loss for me. My meals would look like that pretty much any other day, but just with a few additions to bulk it out.

It will be interesting after the wedding to see what calorie range I should stick around to maintain this weight. This weight is new to me and it will take some learning to know what to do to maintain it.

For right now, focused on the end of my to-do list, packing since we are leaving Thursday, eating clean, walking my dog, and staying in this calm place :)

Namaste, my friends.

Mindfulness

Yesterday, we spent the bulk of the day at a Buddhist monastery retreat where Thich Nhat Hanh was the featured speaker. It was a day to focus on mindfulness.

It was great to have that day when most of my days are filled with stress about the upcoming wedding! Taking time out to be mindful and present is a difficult practice, but so worth it.

Just being around Thich Nhat Hanh, listening to his loving speech, and all the rest of the calm monks who also spoke with love, was a healing experience.

He made the point that it is best to live in the present, because living in the past brings sorrow, bitterness and regret... and living in the future bring anxiety, fear and worry. When you live in the here and now, you can find happiness and peace.

Living in the here and now, he says, is brought about by mindfulness. Being aware of your breathing, your steps, your body, your speech. 

Here are: Five Mindfulness Exercises taught by Thich Nhat Hanh.

He said a lot that resonated to me personally - about the art of suffering (living in your suffering, accepting it, and being tender towards it rather than running from it by indulging in consumption of food and drink), about using your suffering to create understanding and compassion for others, and about how to speak to your loved ones.

It was actually a little too intensely emotional for me, there were many tears shed as he softly spoke about these matters. I can't get into all of it right now!

We also did the mindful eating: eating in silence, chewing thoroughly, and meditating on the five contemplations:

• This food is a gift of the earth, the sky, numerous living beings and much hard work.
• May we eat with mindfulness and gratitude so as to be worthy to receive it.
• May we recognize and transform our unwholesome mental formations, especially our greed, and learn to eat with moderation.
• May we keep our compassion alive by eating in such a way that we reduce the suffering of living beings, preserve our planet and reverse the process of global warming.
• We accept this food so that we may nurture our brotherhood and sisterhood, strengthen our sangha and nourish our ideal of serving all beings.

And I will leave you with that and urge you to think on those things carefully next time you eat :)

Salmon Burger and Bliss

Having Chris home is the BEST. Seriously. Everything is just so much easier and better with him here. Even eating dinner!

I've been eating pretty much the same thing every night for the summer - ground meat with veggies, sometimes with sweet potatoes, sometimes with eggs, you get the drift.

Chris came home, we went grocery shopping since I forgot to take anything out of the freezer and prep it - and we ended up with this lovely dinner:

Salmon burger with salsa on a bed of spinach greens, with zucchini and mushrooms sauteed in olive oil. It was INSANELY nutritious and really filling!

We had Hawaiian coconut pudding for dessert while watching the Dexter from this week.

Bliss :)

Today we are up early, taking the dog on a long walk, getting some life stuff taken care of, doing a little wedding prep and enjoying this rainy Saturday together!

Double bliss :)

Benefits of Coconut Oil

Have I posted this before? Oh well, if I have, it bears a repeat :D

We keep a jar of coconut oil right next to the olive oil. We try to use it as often as we can (sometimes a meal or certain flavors wouldn't work with the coconut flavor!). Chris will even just eat a spoonful of it sometimes.

Just a little life update since this is my blog! Weighed in at 119.8 this morning. Deeeelighted! I have to remember this week and how clean, paleo and right on track I was. Ate till satisfied, never more than I needed. Tons of water, no bloating here :D

I went to the salon and got my hair dyed by a professional for the first time - I loved it, even though it did take wayyyyy too long. I know they did all the right things to keep my hair healthy and make it pretty :) I might be hooked!! I just love the color, it looks more natural than it has in 15 years (started going gray when I was 16 - crazy I know, so I've been box dyeing my hair for a long time).

Results:

Chris said I look like Jillian Michaels here - a super huge compliment in my world!!

Things I'm looking forward to today: continuing to eat clean and paleo, my daily dog walk, a mani/pedi with a good friend, and Chris coming home and STAYING home for over a week!!!!

Namaste :)

Body Image, Acceptance, Happiness

Ahhh, it is like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Lots of the to-do list is crossed off for the wedding (8 days to go!): seating chart, place cards, accommodations in the on-venue cabins for friends, vows, etc, etc. I actually have no SPECIFIC task I need to do today, and that feels.... strange and amazing :D

Weighed in at 120.0 today. Loving it. Feeling great. Been hanging around this lower weight for a couple of weeks now and feel happy here. I know 127-129 isn't a "bad" or unhealthy weight, but seeing myself here for the first time as an adult? I am proud of my body in a way I haven't truly been proud of it before.

I've always tried to love my body, to accept it. I read a lot of weight loss blogs - there is a mantra (a good one, I think!) that goes around that you should love the body you have, even if you are in the process of transformation. I tried, I really did, but I never fully loved my body in the past. It's so much easier said than done for people who have been obese for an extended period of time and lapsed into a habit of self-loathing.

I didn't want to feel any sort of bad about myself on my wedding day. That was the goal, more so than a specific weight. I want to be happy, that's all.

Isn't that the struggle? It's been my struggle for many years. Since I was still a child (and lost my mom). How to really, truly feel happiness? How to be content, with my life, my mind, my body?

It's still my struggle, that peace, that contentedness. A lifelong journey to find it. And I think the journey is the whole point, that is what makes life.

All I know, is that when I stand up in front of my family, friends, and whatever forces govern this world, and face my man I love with all my heart, that I won't be thinking about my body - I won't be squirming and fidgeting with my dress, I won't be worried about what people are thinking, I won't cringe with every click of a camera.

I will be happy :)

I know this to be true - I just need to embrace this more.