Sugar, continued

I got some comments on my last post. Mostly people in the process of getting sugar out of their lives or people urging me to get sugar out of my life (not just the big, bad processed sugars!).

Well, I am pretty much in that camp of people who have ALMOST gotten sugar out of their lives. My daily diet looks insanely different from almost everyone I know in real life. I truly do follow the paleo template in my day to day eating (excluding things like bridal shower cake!): meat, eggs, veggies, fruit, nuts, seeds. Even though I technically say it's okay for me to eat honey and maple sugar, I rarely do - but those ARE the sugars I turn to when I do have sugar.

We will never get sugar COMPLETELY out of our lives, because of things like fruit that do have natural sugars. I will never not eat fruit, haha :D

But I do eat chocolate bars. They are always very heady (our way of saying the ingredients are whole, clean, organic, natural) but do have added sugars, obviously.

Right now, I have absolutely zero desire to cut chocolate out of my life.

I do have a desire to limit it, though, because the calories used on chocolate are a little bit wasted - I could have eaten a huge salad and eggs with the calories instead. I get that. Just not there yet!

Not ashamed of that, either. My diet is extraordinarily clean in all ways except for that. I'm the healthiest and lightest I've ever been. Everyone's got their own path!

I saw a HUGE difference in my life when I got grains/dairy/legumes out of my diet. That's something I won't compromise on. But that chocolate is hanging around :D I DO get it, but it's also a choice I make. It's weird - we all know how we could eat perfectly, but so few of us do.

Just a photo check in to show you all that I am not over-doing it on the sugar front!!

Rainy day here in the capital district - going to babysit, take care of some things, bring my dad's car (which we are STILL stuck with because we STILL haven't gotten the title in our names because the estate is in a holding pattern) in for some servicing, eat my normal paleo foods, and hope the rain slacks up before I take the dog on a walk!

Namaste <3

Sugar Dangers!

Things are going as well as can be expected in this neck of the woods! Life is good, the weather is beautiful - but there is a lot of unavoidable stress with life: Chris travels a LOT, and we are SO busy on the weekends trying to catch up with house maintenance and life errands and social obligations that we don't really get a lot of great quality time together. It's tough and it's wearing on me. But I know it won't be like this forever. So just like I've been learning through all the other hard times, all I have to do is bear down and wait it out. It will get better!

Weight is the same, 122.5ish. Not much changing there!

So I was reading an article about sugar in National Geographic. I definitely know that processed sugar is bad for my body (by trial and error!) and that we, as a nation, eat wayyyyy too much sugar because it is in EVERYTHING that is processed (especially bread!).

I found it to be an interesting article thought. I learned why fructose is so bad for us. It says that fructose is "found in small amounts in fruits and vegetables" and that "fructose in excess is a health hazard. The glucose in sugar is metabolized throughout the body. But fructose is processed mainly in the liver into fats, which can build up there and also enter the blood. The resulting risks: obesity, hypertension, insulin resistance, and type 2 diabetes."

Yikes.

And fructose is in all types of sugars - all those creepy sugars in processed foods with weird, long, science-y names. And it is destroying our bodies!

I will say again and again and again: stay the hell away from high fructose corn syrup. Check ALL your labels. It is in bread and ketchup and bologna and cereal and all sorts of things. It should never pass your lips! Give it up.

Natural sugars are fine - fruits, honey, maple syrup. And delicious! Stick with those, protect your bodies.

It's an interesting article that goes into exactly how much more sugar we are eating now than 50 years ago, and what types of sugar, and where the sugars are found, etc, etc. Read it if you get a chance!

Have a great day, loves, namaste <3

Weekend: Bridal Shower, Tattoo, Normalcy

My bridal shower went well - it was a gorgeous day and my family and friends were very sweet and got along really well! I basically ate one meal that day (it was from 11:30 - 3:30ish so I ate right in the middle of the day) with a few snacks surrounding it.

Had a yogurt to start the day, then ate my shower brunch (two small pieces of quiche, fruit salad, and about 1/4 cup of this AMAZING french toast bake my cousin made - also some mimosas and the cake they bought for me!), then I had some sweet potatoes at night.

Back to normal today - had a great breakfast with Chris to start the day on new, colorful plates:

\

Eating food on colorful plates makes meal time really enjoyable for me. I like colorful food, and this just brings it to a new level! So an egg scramble with veggies and a piece of bacon to start my day. I have LOVED having a whole day to spend with Chris. We went grocery shopping and prepped a bunch of healthy, paleo food for our week. We also went for a walk in the city park:

Told you it was a gorgeous weekend!!!

We also set up our tattoo appointments for our wedding tattoos - we are doing them a few months after the wedding so that we can go on our honeymoon to Japan without having to worry about taking care of new tattoos. So in November, I am getting my first tattoo above the waist: a red-tailed hawk on my rib cage!

I am feeling all sorts of glee, stress, excitement, joy, grief, and everything in between these days.

Onwards and upwards, my friends :)

Namaste.

Dress Pick Up Day

My sister-in-law is coming into town for the weekend. One, so she can come to this dress fitting/pick-up so she can learn how to do the bustle! Two, because I have my second bridal shower tomorrow with my local family. I'm pretty excited to see her, she's an awesome person - feeling lucky to be gaining a sister in this marriage!

So...  I weigh 122.8 this morning. About one pound less than I weighed exactly a month ago when I had my first dress fitting.

Not that I am EXCITED about that fact, but (as I tell other weight loss bloggers who are struggling with losing, but are still losing) - I am DOWN from last month. That's important to remember. I struggled this month for sure, hit a low of 121, so I am up 1.8 from that.

Those are NOT big numbers or differences. Nothing to worry about.

But, as the face of someone recovering from being overweight/obese, recovering from binge eating disorders, AND recovering from bulimia-like disorders - not feeling in control of my weight makes all the crazy things happen in my brain.

But, I'm here - putting it on paper. Saying that this weight and those weight differences just are not a big deal. I am fine.

I am going to go put on my wedding dress. Spend an evening with my family and friends (it is my very good friend's birthday party tonight - at a pizza place where I will NOT eat pizza). I will savor life and savor the smiles and remember I am worthy of being happy.

You are worthy too.

Namaste <3

The small things: salt

Thanks to everyone for the support yesterday! This month is going to be a toughie, so many emotions, so much crazy. And the thing I CAN control is my weight - and when that goes wrong, I get a little down. But I am glad I stay accountable and have people to talk sense into me so I don't become a hugely disordered mess!

So I saw this little informational meme today that I wanted to share with you about the dangers of salt. I think we all know by now the dangers of having too much salt in our diets - but do we often stop to think about where we are getting our salt from (which foods have the most) and what KIND of salt we are eating (lots of salt in this country is highly processed).

Chris and I rarely ever add salt to our foods (pre or post cooking!) and, when we do, we have pink Himalayan rock salt that we use. We have trained our palates to not need a ton of salt - I think the one time we do use it is when we have grass fed beef burgers and we put a pinch of salt and pepper on them (PERFECTION - mmm, favorite way to eat beef).

What I thought was interesting was that bread has SO much salt and it's highly processed (and dangerous!). I am pretty glad I just don't eat bread or bread products anymore. It messed with my weight and health way too much.

I still am not perfect with my clean eating (hello wine) but getting better every day, with everything I learn. Learning to eat cleaner and then implementing that information is the key -- I want to protect this body of mine as best I can. I want to be around for a long time and I want Chris to be around for a long time :)

I wrote my vows yesterday so I am feeling extra mushy about him, hehe.

Stay safe, take care of your mind, heart and body today!!

<3

Extreme Weight Loss: emotional eating and bulimia

First I will say I still weight the same today: 123.5

Ever so slightly disappointed in myself. I got off my schedule and routine since Saturday - and while I didn't go crazy with eating and gain weight, I wasn't careful.

Now I am going to go into my final wedding dress fitting (on Friday) kind of NOT where I wanted to be. And I wonder if I lose weight between the final fitting and the wedding if the dress will still fit right? If I manage to lose four pounds will four pounds make a difference in the fit???

Bleh, I won't dwell on it too much. It doesn't do me any good.

So last night I watched Extreme Weight Loss - I like that show, despite some obvious problems with the UN-reality of the situation, I think Chris Powell is an actually good guy, even though any famous weight loss guru has to worry about the show just as much as the person they are training, I think he does a good job of being compassionate and genuinely caring.

The focus of last night's show was a girl who gained weight after her moms death when she was young. It rang a bell for me, obviously, though she ended up over 200 pounds overweight while I ended up 70-80 pounds overweight. I felt for her. I know what that loss does to a young girl.

I still struggle with it as my wedding approaches. Sometimes, I just want my mom.

It was also a reminder how tragedy/loss/emotional pain/sadness is often a trigger for weight gain - food is comfort, food helps you forget briefly.

And it made me feel really proud of how far I've come from that little girl that ate to protect herself from her pain. I lost my dad last year in a way more traumatic way than I lost my mom - and here I sit, about 2 pounds from my lowest adult weight. I've done a good job, and no matter if I weigh 123 or 119 on my wedding day, I know I should be proud of myself... my dad would be proud. He would think I was beautiful.

The show also followed the girl as she struggled with bulimia as a method to keep eating for comfort but still lose weight. That was a big part of my life in my early 20s as I could not let go of the comfort eating, and eventually the CONTROL of purging became just as reassuring.

I am proud that, despite many obsessive thoughts that binging and purging would make me feel better, I haven't gone back. Despite all the turmoil this year, I have dealt with emotions rather than eating or binging/purging to forget about them.

Yesterday was tough for me - many social/family/life problems popped up and I freaked out. For the first time in months, I thought that I could go to a fast food place, get burgers and fries, and go to a bakery and get a bunch of cupcakes and just binge and purge to my heart's content and I could just FREAKING FEEL BETTER FOR ONCE.

I didn't do that.

I waited through it. Felt all the bad feelings, the sadness and the frustration. And I came out on the other side.

No matter what I weigh now - I don't use food in ANY way to fix my problems.

And that's huge for me.

Love and Light to you. <3

Crazy day; think before you eat!

Well I had a crazy night and day - ended up driving an hour and a half home this morning to babysit. Pretty tired!!

Good news though: I have a teaching job this spring!!

Got to be a quick one today- I didn't have time to have a proper breakfast or weigh in. Hoping for a nap and a workout later!

I'll leave you with this, ay!

Namaste!

Last weekend of indulgence for a while!

So, as you all know, this weekend was my bachelorette party. I knew I would drink and I knew I wouldn't eat paleo. I didn't and I didn't even try. I just relaxed and had fun with my friends.

It was a GREAT time - we went to a winery in the afternoon and then hung out at a friend's house where we played a zombie murder mystery game and sang karaoke (don't judge me with my weird bachelorette party - I never claimed to be a normal girl who likes going wild at a bar!). Here's a picture of the girls that made it to the winery (a few people could not do the afternoon party but showed up later at night):

Not behaving

Weighing in at 123.5 this morning, so a pound and a half up from my early weigh in on Saturday. Not the worst. I know it is caused by bloating and inflammation from eating/drinking things that do not heal or protect or fuel my body - they were designed and imbibed for pleasure only, and that's the result!

I'm okay with it, because that was the last weekend I was really going to indulge (until my wedding, obviously - where I will have champagne and eat red velvet cake and filet mignon, muahaha).

This coming weekend is my bridal shower, but it is with my family that I'm comfortable with and I can get away with eating paleo and just having a glass of wine and leaving it at that. No reason to get crazy!

The weekend after is Cabinfest, the little music festival (about 100 people as opposed to the 20,000 people that were at Camp Bisco!) my friends put on - but once again, I can have a drink or two but not get DRUNK and I can choose to eat paleo since I am in charge of bringing my food and feeding myself.

So there we go - excuses over. I will still try to weigh 119 on my wedding day - I also will not be at all hurt if I don't. Four pounds isn't going to drastically change my body shape. And though I am not loving my body this morning because I feel bloated and gross from the alcohol, I can logically see I am in a good place physically :)

No. More. Poison.

The only things that will pass my lips this week are foods that protect and fuel and help my body. No alcohol. No grains. No refined sugars or flours. No chemicals.

Life - it sure does get in the way, doesn't it? ;) But, in reality, I've done a good job this summer - I am closer to 120 than 130 (first time in my life). No shame here, my friends. Just hope :)

My month - eating up the joy!

August is so full of good things (and very few of them centered around food or drink!), I want to record it. I really feel so excited, but I know this time is fleeting - soon I will be married and the honeymoon will be over and life will return to normal (as normal as it gets around here anyway).

But this blog, as my kind of diary, is my best way to bottle these feelings so I can relive them later :)

So this month:

- Bachelorette party (today, yay!)

-Traveling to see Chris where he travels for work - the local coffee shop is throwing his crew a party for being such great patrons while they've been there

- Wedding dress pick up (finally my dress will fit ME and not look like it was meant for some random other person!) with sister in law

- My really, really good friend whom I love's birthday party

- Family bridal shower

- Friend's wedding in the Catskills

- Consultation for wedding tattoos (as of now, I am getting a hawk which is Chris' spirit animal and he is getting a wolf for me - since I am looking so good right now, I might make the leap to get it on my side)

- AND the day I am most looking forward to: Chris is taking off work the day before our favorite (small, friend-run) music festival called Cabinfest and we are going to get our marriage license (!!!), have a special lunch, and then head to the mountains to stay in a cabin a night early - just to be able to leisurely enjoy the day and that awesome weekend

So there are a few parties in there where there will be food, but the focus for me this month is on JOY. I want to eat up all the laughter and the smiles and the conversations and the memories.

It's really amazing, that at a time in my life when I am so sad and stressed and anxious, I am also the happiest I've ever been. I think feeling the loss of my dad has made me feel the joys in life even more, because I finally realize how precious they are.

Namaste, my friends, have a gorgeous weekend!

Explanation - what maintenance is for me.

Well, everyone might think I went a little loopy after my post yesterday. But I swear, I am fully hinged :)

It's just that I feel these issues are at the CORE of getting healthy and fit.

Most of us get obese because of emotional pain and the inability to deal with that pain. We eat to soothe something, because we don't know what else to do.

Trauma (losing my mother to cancer at a young age) and the inability to emotionally deal with that caused me to gain weight through my teens till I ended up obese all through college. I refuse to let the newest trauma and emotional pain in my life to cause me to end up the same way. It does a disservice to me, my body, my spirit and the people whose passing caused the pain.

So, yes, I will talk about fitness and nutrition and all of that. But I am also here to talk about your spirit and heart.

I have been going a little extra spiritual lately, but that's because the pain is rising inside of me. I have to experience the pain and think about it and deal with it in order to not become sick because of it.

This is maintenance. This is growing. This is learning not to repeat patterns. This is change.

Weighing in at 122.2 this morning. Good number for me (especially since that time of the month is near). And also proof, that despite sleepless nights and stress and grief crashing over me - I am in control. I am in pain, yes, but that is life and THAT is a hard lesson to learn.

Life is also really beautiful :)

Took the dog for a walk first thing this morning, ate a coconut milk yogurt, and am right where I am supposed to be.

I'll leave you with a little healthy food meme I saw:

Namaste.

Buddhism and living mindfully (eating mindfully?)

This year has been a year of awakening for me. With health/fitness, yes - it's become the WAY I live, with no other option, I have very little fear that I will ever go back to the old ways. But also with something else - my spirit, the way I see and approach the world, how I love.

Losing my dad last year (suddenly, unexpectedly) was a wake up call. It traumatized me in a bunch of ways. I went over there, looking to walk his dog (now my dog) and get some advice as I had just had a huge argument with Chris. Instead, I found only his body - he was gone and had been for a while (I had been traveling that week and not spoken to him for a few days). He had so much left to do on this earth - peace to make, family to love, future grandchildren to meet, daughters to dance with at their wedding. And it was all gone in the blink of an eye.

It made me want to be and go and spread good in this world. To live as fully as possible every day. To regret NOTHING.

I used to read books/passages/quotes about how to live a good life, how to be truly happy, how to be a light in this world. I liked it all. But it never really sunk in.

I would like to think I'm a good person, and at the very least, a neutral person. I don't like to hurt people. I regret hurting people. I like to protect this earth and its creatures. But I have been full of jealousy and anger and all sorts of damaging things.

This year - it sank in.

I have to CHOOSE to implement good things every day. I have to stop myself from reacting to things impulsively. I have to choose love. I have to choose peace. I have to choose happiness.

Thich Nhat Hanh is a Buddhist monk and writer/speaker who seems to be the embodiment of the way I want to live. The world has been pushing his name on me all week. The last thing - someone mentioned they are spending a day at a retreat with him in September and I could go...

So I am going to this event, hosted at a monastery about 1.5 hours away from us. On the Sunday that starts our wedding week. I can't think of a more beautiful way to start our lives together than to spend a day focusing on mindfulness (so we can be better to ourselves, to each other and to the world around us):

http://bluecliffmonastery.org/retreats/dom-with-thich-nhat-hanh

There will be meditation and practice of mindfulness - I was surprised there would be mindful eating. Hadn't heard of that in the Buddhist sense. From their website:

Before eating, the bell will be invited for three sounds and we can enjoy breathing in and out while practicing the five contemplations.

This food is a gift of the whole universe,the earth, the sky and much hard work.

May we eat in mindfulness so as to be worthy to receive it.

May we transform our unskillful states of mind and learn to eat in moderation.

May we take only foods that nourish us and prevent illness.

May we accept this food to realize the path of understanding and love.

We should take our time as we eat, chewing each mouthful at least 30 times, until the food becomes liquefied. This aids the digestive process. Let us enjoy every morsel of our food and the presence of the Dharma brothers and sisters around us. Let us establish ourselves in the present moment, eating in such a way that solidity, joy and peace be possible during the time of eating.

Eating in silence, the food becomes real with our mindfulness and we are fully aware of its nourishment. In order to deepen our practice of mindful eating and support the peaceful atmosphere, we remain seated during this silent period. After twenty minutes of silent eating, two sounds of the bell will be invited. We may then start a mindful conversation with our friend or begin to get up from the table.

Upon finishing our meal, we take a few moments to notice that we have finished, our bowl is now empty and our hunger is satisfied. Gratitude fills us as we realize how fortunate we are to have had this nourishing food to eat, supporting us on the path of love and understanding.

I think this will be a good practice for me - a jarring and very different experience with food to help my struggles with food. I don't want to be battling food my entire life. I am interested to see what knowledge and insight this experience will give me.

I want to spend a day with people who choose love above all else. Healing my spirit and these injuries it has (sorrow, grief, anxiety, fear) will only help me in this life...