I cannot wait for this painting to be finished. I want my normal routine back! I loved what I had set up for myself:
Leisurely breakfast in the morning of eggs and veggies
Hour long walk with the dog
Home time to work on either my dissertation or class
Small lunch whenever I felt hungry
Stretching/Yoga while watching a show
More work time/House cleaning time
Then dinner into dog and Chris time!
It's all kind of twisted around now. Especially with the dog not here. I really miss him. I realized, once he was gone all week at daycare and not around the house with me.... I missed him and I really, really loved him. I am glad I didn't get rid of him in the early months of my grief/depression. He was grieving, too. We've settled in to our life and it is FAR from perfect, but hey, what is?
Eating wasn't great yesterday because I let about 8 hours go between breakfast and lunch... and I was SO hungry, nothing seemed to satiate me. So I overate at dinner and ate cheese at a friend's house later. Ugh.
Not the end of the world. This is coming to an end. My routine will be back shortly! And now that I have been adding in some really good, purposeful exercise, I've got more than high hopes :)
Other life news: I've decided to have a housewarming/thank you party in early March (which coincides with my birthday, actually!). I want to welcome all my friends to my house and thank them for all their help this past year.
I have... never thrown a party like this before. We've had dinner parties with 4-8 people there. General college type drinking parties where all I did was buy some chips and wine. But I REALLY want to say thank you. I want to have delicious food for everyone (and mostly paleo type food if I can do it!) and have music and a clean house and places to sit and chill, etc. I'm nervous and excited :) I am expecting about 50 people. AYIYI!
So, yeah, things and stuff are happening. Health and happiness are priorities. Life is progressing and I am starting to remember that I love it :)
Namaste!
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Practical vs. Dreamer sides of me: trip to Japan
The bed is so warm and cozy, I am blogging from it as we speak :)
I drank wine last night with Chris, so my weight is up and I feel a little bloated. Ah, well. Exercise is on the docket for today as my muscles feel TONS better... still sore, but not "oh god I can't walk down the stairs" sore anymore. Just pleasantly sore.
Tons of stuff going on in my life, so much stuff that I am having a hard time sleeping for all the demanding thoughts whirling around my brain. It's not all bad stuff... actually, very little of it is bad stuff.
I would say the bad stuff that is occupying me right now is finances and frustration with the painters I hired.
Good stuff: wedding planning, bridesmaid dress shopping, planning our honeymoon, school work.
I am nervous to finalize the honeymoon. It's a ton of money, but my brother is paying half as our wedding present. Once in a lifetime trip to Japan... seeing Mt. Fuji, staying in a ryokan, biking through rice fields, seeing snow monkeys at the hot springs, eating REAL sushi, etc, etc. We would be going to places like Tokyo, Kyoto, Matsumoto, Nagano and a few other little out of the ways towns.
I am nervous because I don't feel I have any right to spend so much money on a trip. But I have saved my whole life for a down payment on a house... and now we don't need to put a down payment on a house. I have a bunch of money that I spent 15 years saving.... I should not feel guilty about spending it on something like this. It's my one life, I don't have to spend the whole time squirreling away money in Albany, NY. I should go see and live and do.
(that little nagging, super practical side of me does not approve of the above paragraph! ... saying I wouldn't be worrying about finances in other parts of my life if I just don't go on a trip, duh)
This isn't putting us into the poor house, though. I will still have some savings after I pay for the trip (it's a guided trip that includes all lodging and transportation and activity fees, etc). And it's our honeymoon! So.... I think I am going to do it. Maybe today! We will see, I am still nervous.
Namaste, friends... live it up :)
I drank wine last night with Chris, so my weight is up and I feel a little bloated. Ah, well. Exercise is on the docket for today as my muscles feel TONS better... still sore, but not "oh god I can't walk down the stairs" sore anymore. Just pleasantly sore.
Tons of stuff going on in my life, so much stuff that I am having a hard time sleeping for all the demanding thoughts whirling around my brain. It's not all bad stuff... actually, very little of it is bad stuff.
I would say the bad stuff that is occupying me right now is finances and frustration with the painters I hired.
Good stuff: wedding planning, bridesmaid dress shopping, planning our honeymoon, school work.
I am nervous to finalize the honeymoon. It's a ton of money, but my brother is paying half as our wedding present. Once in a lifetime trip to Japan... seeing Mt. Fuji, staying in a ryokan, biking through rice fields, seeing snow monkeys at the hot springs, eating REAL sushi, etc, etc. We would be going to places like Tokyo, Kyoto, Matsumoto, Nagano and a few other little out of the ways towns.
I am nervous because I don't feel I have any right to spend so much money on a trip. But I have saved my whole life for a down payment on a house... and now we don't need to put a down payment on a house. I have a bunch of money that I spent 15 years saving.... I should not feel guilty about spending it on something like this. It's my one life, I don't have to spend the whole time squirreling away money in Albany, NY. I should go see and live and do.
(that little nagging, super practical side of me does not approve of the above paragraph! ... saying I wouldn't be worrying about finances in other parts of my life if I just don't go on a trip, duh)
This isn't putting us into the poor house, though. I will still have some savings after I pay for the trip (it's a guided trip that includes all lodging and transportation and activity fees, etc). And it's our honeymoon! So.... I think I am going to do it. Maybe today! We will see, I am still nervous.
Namaste, friends... live it up :)
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Super, crazy sore muscles
Scale said 124 this morning. :) Doing something right!! And that something is: eating clean, eating portions normal for a 30 year old, 5'4 woman, and getting back into exercise.
It was completely predictable, but it still surprises and delights me when my weight drops. I know when I am doing the right thing for weight loss. It is so much easier for me to do the right thing for weight maintenance... I can be a lot more lax with my food and less active. But that's not what I want in the end. I want more. I want to be the sexiest bride Chris ever saw. I want it to be easy for me to climb mountains (well, it's never easy... but there is a big difference between a fit person doing it "hard" and an out of shape person's "hard"!). I want to be in a swimsuit this summer and loving it.
In the end, it wasn't that hard. Not binge eating at dinnertime (my favorite time to overeat). Easing up on snacking. No processed foods. Exercise. None of those things are hard, per se. Yet I, and tons of others in this world!, struggle with doing it.
At least I am doing it more than I am not doing it :)
I've been enjoying reading inspirational blogs this week. Women who are just rocking it. Mothers, career-women, both, who beat obesity and are living the healthy life, even when life throws crap in their path. Women who are healthy because they know they are worth it!
I still read blogs that are maybe not so lovingly termed "trainwrecks" :D ... it's weird, I am oddly grateful that they still post, even though they aren't really doing it "right" as far as weight loss/fitness/health. They remind me how easy it is to make excuses. How easy it is to let all this work slip away.
In other news... I am still insanely sore from my weekend's workout and hike. I mean, crazy sore like I have never been before. It's blowing my mind. I used to strength train at the gym for 45 minutes at a fast pace and with heavy weights and I've never been this sore. My calves and quads almost give out on my when I walk down stairs. Taking aspirin and using an icy-hot type salve. Also massages.
This muscle soreness is a big reminder to me to not let myself get so inactive for so many months again!!! Getting back into the groove is painful.
Painting is chugging along. I wish they would work full days and it might be done by now, but woulda, coulda, shoulda. Just eager for it to be done!! Color is finally going up on the walls today. Bright, sunshiny kitchen, here I come :D
EDIT: UGH Painters!!!!!!!!!!!! Another waste of a day where someone called in and so they are only priming the living room... 4 hours of work instead of a full day... ANOTHER day of boarding my dog for a half-assed day of work. Drawing out this project so that I go insane with a crazy, dirty, pulled apart house. I hate disorganization. Blurgarghmuuuurrggggg. Deep breaths. It's fine. Small problems. First world problems. Moving on. :)
Peace and light and have a gorgeous day <3
It was completely predictable, but it still surprises and delights me when my weight drops. I know when I am doing the right thing for weight loss. It is so much easier for me to do the right thing for weight maintenance... I can be a lot more lax with my food and less active. But that's not what I want in the end. I want more. I want to be the sexiest bride Chris ever saw. I want it to be easy for me to climb mountains (well, it's never easy... but there is a big difference between a fit person doing it "hard" and an out of shape person's "hard"!). I want to be in a swimsuit this summer and loving it.
In the end, it wasn't that hard. Not binge eating at dinnertime (my favorite time to overeat). Easing up on snacking. No processed foods. Exercise. None of those things are hard, per se. Yet I, and tons of others in this world!, struggle with doing it.
At least I am doing it more than I am not doing it :)
I've been enjoying reading inspirational blogs this week. Women who are just rocking it. Mothers, career-women, both, who beat obesity and are living the healthy life, even when life throws crap in their path. Women who are healthy because they know they are worth it!
I still read blogs that are maybe not so lovingly termed "trainwrecks" :D ... it's weird, I am oddly grateful that they still post, even though they aren't really doing it "right" as far as weight loss/fitness/health. They remind me how easy it is to make excuses. How easy it is to let all this work slip away.
In other news... I am still insanely sore from my weekend's workout and hike. I mean, crazy sore like I have never been before. It's blowing my mind. I used to strength train at the gym for 45 minutes at a fast pace and with heavy weights and I've never been this sore. My calves and quads almost give out on my when I walk down stairs. Taking aspirin and using an icy-hot type salve. Also massages.
This muscle soreness is a big reminder to me to not let myself get so inactive for so many months again!!! Getting back into the groove is painful.
Painting is chugging along. I wish they would work full days and it might be done by now, but woulda, coulda, shoulda. Just eager for it to be done!! Color is finally going up on the walls today. Bright, sunshiny kitchen, here I come :D
EDIT: UGH Painters!!!!!!!!!!!! Another waste of a day where someone called in and so they are only priming the living room... 4 hours of work instead of a full day... ANOTHER day of boarding my dog for a half-assed day of work. Drawing out this project so that I go insane with a crazy, dirty, pulled apart house. I hate disorganization. Blurgarghmuuuurrggggg. Deep breaths. It's fine. Small problems. First world problems. Moving on. :)
Peace and light and have a gorgeous day <3
Monday, February 4, 2013
Mechanical Bull > Workout > Hike = how I spent the Superbowl Weekend
I am not generally one who raises a stink about holidays, commercialization, etc, etc.
BUT Superbowl Sunday is NOT a holiday!!! I'm glad I didn't treat it like one. It was a normal weekend, where I did normal weekend things and didn't shovel crap into my mouth.
My other problem with Superbowl Sunday: I hate watching sports. And I really hate what a big deal we make about watching sports in Western culture (football, baseball, soccer, whatever). Making time to watch one or dozens of games a week seems so silly to me. Purposely planting yourself on your couch to watch other people be great athletes? Strange. If you love the sport, go play it! Then I could understand spending time watching other people play, I guess.
The Olympics, I can understand... it's every four years, it's the best of the best of human athleticism. But every freaking week? Several times a week?
I'm lost there.
Anyway, I am obviously not a football fan, or a sports watching fan, but that's me and I know I am in the minority. It will never make sense to me, sorry!!!
So, anyway, I made the decision, since I do not care about the game at all and don't want to get a little fatter while watching other people excel, I didn't go to the Superbowl Party most of my friends were at. Just couldn't do it.
Sunday was spent hiking 6 miles in the Adirondacks, in pretty deep snow!, with another couple and Koda :) It was super fun and we were all tuckered out afterwards! Chris made us a delicious meal of some pork sausages and sweet potatoes afterwards.
The day before, I did a typical workout in my house I would have done last year, when I was on top of my game. Lots of squats, lunges, rowing machine, free weight work and some yoga poses as stretches. Was pretty sore on Sunday for the hike. Now, on Monday, super sore. My quads are screaming!!!
Still weighing in at 126 today. I didn't eat great Wed/Thur/Fri of last week... meaning I definitely overate at dinner each night. So I am glad the super healthy weekend kept me on track. Chris is home this weekend and we are both dedicated to eating clean and primal this week.
I will leave you with some pictures:
Me, riding a mechanical bull! I did pretty well, actually... all those years of horseback riding paid off :D
BUT Superbowl Sunday is NOT a holiday!!! I'm glad I didn't treat it like one. It was a normal weekend, where I did normal weekend things and didn't shovel crap into my mouth.
My other problem with Superbowl Sunday: I hate watching sports. And I really hate what a big deal we make about watching sports in Western culture (football, baseball, soccer, whatever). Making time to watch one or dozens of games a week seems so silly to me. Purposely planting yourself on your couch to watch other people be great athletes? Strange. If you love the sport, go play it! Then I could understand spending time watching other people play, I guess.
The Olympics, I can understand... it's every four years, it's the best of the best of human athleticism. But every freaking week? Several times a week?
I'm lost there.
Anyway, I am obviously not a football fan, or a sports watching fan, but that's me and I know I am in the minority. It will never make sense to me, sorry!!!
So, anyway, I made the decision, since I do not care about the game at all and don't want to get a little fatter while watching other people excel, I didn't go to the Superbowl Party most of my friends were at. Just couldn't do it.
Sunday was spent hiking 6 miles in the Adirondacks, in pretty deep snow!, with another couple and Koda :) It was super fun and we were all tuckered out afterwards! Chris made us a delicious meal of some pork sausages and sweet potatoes afterwards.
The day before, I did a typical workout in my house I would have done last year, when I was on top of my game. Lots of squats, lunges, rowing machine, free weight work and some yoga poses as stretches. Was pretty sore on Sunday for the hike. Now, on Monday, super sore. My quads are screaming!!!
Still weighing in at 126 today. I didn't eat great Wed/Thur/Fri of last week... meaning I definitely overate at dinner each night. So I am glad the super healthy weekend kept me on track. Chris is home this weekend and we are both dedicated to eating clean and primal this week.
I will leave you with some pictures:
Me, riding a mechanical bull! I did pretty well, actually... all those years of horseback riding paid off :D
And here are some shots from the hike:
Successful, healthy, active weekends usually lead into the weekdays following being very similar :)
Namaste, hope I didn't offend anyone with my hatred of sports watching!!!!!!!!!!
Namaste, hope I didn't offend anyone with my hatred of sports watching!!!!!!!!!!
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Painting frustration
Soooo... a painting update. I haven't been mentioning it on the blog for a while because it is frustrating me and making me crazy and I am *trying* to have a generally more positive outlook, haha.
I hired painters so that this would NOT be a headache (because painting three huge rooms, their ceilings and all the trim would definitely give me a headache). Thousands of dollars to get a perfect job done without the hassle.
Tons of hassle, tons of headaches.
It's been two weeks and not a drop of paint has gone up on the wall! They did take down the wallpaper, but they kept canceling the first week, didn't show up AND didn't call ahead one day this week, and canceled another day this week. And when they did come to work, it was only for about 4 hours.
My house is a wreck and it is draggggggging out. :P
Also, I put Koda in daycare when they come so that they can work without a 75 lb German Shepherd all up in their business. So twice he has gone to daycare when they didn't even show up (ugh... waste of money and bonding time). I just wish they would come and work a full 8 hour day and get it done fast.
They quoted me a ONE week time frame and we are going into week three with no paint even bought yet (they haven't asked me what colors I want yet even!... I keep trying to tell them and nothing).
Sooooo.... I am putting on my smile and my niceties but I am pissed. I am making them pay for the doggy daycare for each day that I put him into daycare and they didn't let me know (or let me know way too late.... like 10:30 in the morning). I was firm that I need to know by 7:30 if they are coming or not so I have time to get him to daycare.
Arghghghghg.
Hoping the results are worth it!! I hate looking at all the gross, unwallpapered walls, no decorations up, things pushed all around. A cluttered house really makes me go crazy!
But that's that.
Tomorrow, I am going to hike with Koda and a bunch of friends :) So that solves my social problem!! I'm glad I know people who would rather hike than eat and watch TV!
Hope your weekend is fun, healthy and warm :)
I hired painters so that this would NOT be a headache (because painting three huge rooms, their ceilings and all the trim would definitely give me a headache). Thousands of dollars to get a perfect job done without the hassle.
Tons of hassle, tons of headaches.
It's been two weeks and not a drop of paint has gone up on the wall! They did take down the wallpaper, but they kept canceling the first week, didn't show up AND didn't call ahead one day this week, and canceled another day this week. And when they did come to work, it was only for about 4 hours.
My house is a wreck and it is draggggggging out. :P
Also, I put Koda in daycare when they come so that they can work without a 75 lb German Shepherd all up in their business. So twice he has gone to daycare when they didn't even show up (ugh... waste of money and bonding time). I just wish they would come and work a full 8 hour day and get it done fast.
They quoted me a ONE week time frame and we are going into week three with no paint even bought yet (they haven't asked me what colors I want yet even!... I keep trying to tell them and nothing).
Sooooo.... I am putting on my smile and my niceties but I am pissed. I am making them pay for the doggy daycare for each day that I put him into daycare and they didn't let me know (or let me know way too late.... like 10:30 in the morning). I was firm that I need to know by 7:30 if they are coming or not so I have time to get him to daycare.
Arghghghghg.
Hoping the results are worth it!! I hate looking at all the gross, unwallpapered walls, no decorations up, things pushed all around. A cluttered house really makes me go crazy!
But that's that.
Tomorrow, I am going to hike with Koda and a bunch of friends :) So that solves my social problem!! I'm glad I know people who would rather hike than eat and watch TV!
Hope your weekend is fun, healthy and warm :)
Friday, February 1, 2013
Making plans for success, Superbowl Weekend
Chris and I thought to go skiing on Superbowl day, because the mountains are generally pretty quiet, what with everyone getting their insane gorge-fests ready for the big game.
But money is definitely an issue. Especially if we end up using some savings on the honeymoon of our dreams. So, no skiing for us this weekend.
BUT. Another reason I wanted to go skiing was so that we were doing something active and not being tempted by bacon cheese potatoes and creamy dips. I love hanging out with my friends and there is a party being hosted.... but I really hate this weird "holiday" of watching other people play sports while we get just a little fatter. In the end, I don't feel good about myself during any Superbowl party I've ever gone to.
Now that we are not going skiing, we thought about hitting up the party. .... It's not what I want, though. I don't think we will go. Chris and I talked over our options and decided that taking the dog up north and going for a nice hike and eating a healthy dinner at home is really what we want. It's what's going to make us feel good about ourselves this weekend - bonding with the dog, using our bodies, not shoveling crap in our mouths.
It's hard. I want to be social. I love being social! I really, really like my friends here in Albany. It's hard to not go to a big gathering where everyone will be there.
It's time though, time to make the decisions that make my soul and body feel good and strong.
My friends aren't going anywhere. Missing watching a football game isn't a big deal, I know that.
I'm glad Chris and I are setting ourselves up for success. We need to get on OUR game :)
But money is definitely an issue. Especially if we end up using some savings on the honeymoon of our dreams. So, no skiing for us this weekend.
BUT. Another reason I wanted to go skiing was so that we were doing something active and not being tempted by bacon cheese potatoes and creamy dips. I love hanging out with my friends and there is a party being hosted.... but I really hate this weird "holiday" of watching other people play sports while we get just a little fatter. In the end, I don't feel good about myself during any Superbowl party I've ever gone to.
Now that we are not going skiing, we thought about hitting up the party. .... It's not what I want, though. I don't think we will go. Chris and I talked over our options and decided that taking the dog up north and going for a nice hike and eating a healthy dinner at home is really what we want. It's what's going to make us feel good about ourselves this weekend - bonding with the dog, using our bodies, not shoveling crap in our mouths.
It's hard. I want to be social. I love being social! I really, really like my friends here in Albany. It's hard to not go to a big gathering where everyone will be there.
It's time though, time to make the decisions that make my soul and body feel good and strong.
My friends aren't going anywhere. Missing watching a football game isn't a big deal, I know that.
I'm glad Chris and I are setting ourselves up for success. We need to get on OUR game :)
Thursday, January 31, 2013
My calorie tracker broke, blah blah blah
General good mood today, general hopeful feelings :)
I went to a soup party last night, I made a very paleo friendly sweet potato-coconut milk-asian spiced-veggie soup. There was also a very paleo friendly kale-chorizo-brothy soup there. However, the other soups were creamy, creamy, half and half, potato based soups with cheese. Ummm. I totally tasted them. I also ate bread. Not very gluten free last night. Not at all.
I went to a soup party last night, I made a very paleo friendly sweet potato-coconut milk-asian spiced-veggie soup. There was also a very paleo friendly kale-chorizo-brothy soup there. However, the other soups were creamy, creamy, half and half, potato based soups with cheese. Ummm. I totally tasted them. I also ate bread. Not very gluten free last night. Not at all.
Back on the wagon today: had two eggs with a flax waffle (no gluten) and sunflower seed butter.
One thing that really threw me off yesterday was that my calorie counter app wouldn't let me add any foods... I really should have just jotted down what I was eating in the iPhone notepad to keep me honest. I am not sure of my calorie count even before I went to the soup party.
Well, it's fixed now and I am back to tracking. This is the app I use: Calorie Counter. It's good, but I needed an iPhone update for it to work correctly again... also it overestimates calories burned by a LOT, so I do my own calculations for that.
It's amazing how reliant upon that little application I've gotten. It really keeps me honest. I should really try being more honest with myself even when there isn't a little electronic gadget tracking my every move!
I think, at this point, I will be tracking calories for the rest of my life... even if just in a general sense. I really, really tend to overeat when I stop being vigilant. It is so easy to fall into, for me. I do wish I could just be a normal person and eat without inputting it into the phone... but I was at the border of 200 pounds in my early 20s. I'd been there for a long while. My brain and body don't seem to have fully healed from all those years of abuse.
So on I will trudge, gladly adding my foods to my tracker and keeping my body healthy. It's most important to me that I stay healthy and fit... it far outweighs the inconvenience of tracking my food.
I will say, that last summer, when we on vacation to British Columbia and we were walking/hiking/DOING all day long and I was NOT tracking my food, but being mindful still... I came home weighing the same as when I had left. I hear so many horror stories about people gaining weight on vacation. It didn't happen to me. I made it not happen to me. I know I need to create a very active life for me here and now and get to a place where I am always mindful of my eating even when not tracking... maybe then I can stop counting :)
It's something to work towards!
Namaste :)
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Promises, tattoo, wedding
So I was reminded that, despite these hiccups along the way, I'm doing alright :)
I have maintained a weight under 130 since July, which was my MAIN goal for 2012. I got a humongous wolf tattoo to reward myself for getting under 130 and as a contract with myself to stay there:
Now, I don't quite have that SAME body today as in that picture taken 6 months ago... 6 months ago, I was 128ish pounds of muscle that I have not maintained. I'm 126 with less muscle right now. I have a goal to get back to that spot in the next few months. I know I need to join a gym again soon... money is tight, but it's important. I want a strong body that is going to last me 50 years :)
I know I saw 121 on the scale last year, but the depression over my dad's death and the traumatic way that I found him kind of settled deep into me and I've been struggling to do the right thing all the time. But I am doing the right thing enough of the time. Life is going on and my health hasn't taken a nosedive. I hope to see 121 by my wedding in September.
My wedding!!
I haven't really mentioned anything of my wedding since September, for obvious reasons. Grief is starting to lessen and excitement for my wedding is starting to grow.
We have a venue, church, photographer, musicians for the church, caterer and florist.... I still need a DJ and someone to marry us! I have my dress, I've picked out the color of my bridesmaids' dresses (they each get to pick their own style) and Chris will be going in soon to pick out tuxes. Soooo... things are plugging right along.
So, things are still up and down... I am happy some times, pretty sad other times, really lethargic and depressed the rest of the time. BUT... the silver linings are there. I see them more and more.
Remember: I have a goal that by March 19th (the 1 year anniversary of my first blog spot) that I will be right on track again... working out, eating mostly paleo, and looking forward to the joys in life :)
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Life, or something like it
Not going to lie and say things are going WELL, but they aren't going badly, either. So, there's that.
I worked out a bit yesterday, rowing machine, push ups and squats. My shoulder hurts a lot this morning, guessing the biceps tendinitis isn't completely healed. Which I knew, but I thought I was past the danger point of aggravating it again!
If Chris ever gets around to adding me to his insurance, I'd love to see a doctor for this.
I ate a huge breakfast this morning because the painters will be here again today. And, oddly, I feel super strange going down to the kitchen to get food when they are here! And all of my food is perishable/needs to be heated. I don't know what my problem is... it's my house, they don't care. But I get all crazy brained and don't want to go downstairs for food. So I ate a 500 calorie breakfast of gluten free bread, eggs, and guacamole.
That will definitely hold me over for a long time! They've been leaving around 2, so it works out alright.
I don't know if it is food issues that makes me feel uncomfortable or just plain old social anxiety issues! I'm a huge weirdo, even around my friends sometimes. I worry a lot in social situations.
So, yep, just waiting for the painters to get here... the dog is in daycare... feeling generally blah. I know this feeling will pass. These ups and downs have been cycling for a while. The downs are getting less intense and shorter, in general. All I have to do is keep on keeping on and wait for it to start feeling right again.
It seems the world is talking to me... there's been several posts/articles/facebook notes about how if I wake up healthy, have a house, food, a car, etc... things just plain aren't THAT bad. I'm alive and doing pretty well. Other peoples' struggles make my sadness pale in comparison... that is why I won't give in to it.
“Struggle is proof that you haven't been conquered, that you refuse to surrender, that victory is still possible, and that you're growing.”
Monday, January 28, 2013
Chocolate, big fall while skiing
Two main topics I wanted to get out onto my blog today.
The first, chocolate. Norma asked, in my comments, why I had chocolate in the house to use as comfort food. That, if it weren't there, I wouldn't have had the option to turn to it when I was sad/stressed/etc. Totally logical and sane question. It makes total sense.
And my answer doesn't make any logical sense!
Most of the food I keep in my house is not snack-worth, not binge-worthy, not comfort-worthy. To the point that when Chris or I are feeling munchie, we wander around, complaining that there is nothing appealing to eat and end up either waiting to the next meal or making a salad or cooking up a quick chicken sausage or something.
But chocolate?
Once I finished my Whole30 and wasn't strict about the paleo, I totally brought chocolate RIGHT back. I could live without cheese, without peanut butter, without legumes, without a LOT of things. But chocolate, I didn't hesitate for a second in bringing back. And shouldn't that be a huge sign it is definitely something I should not have brought back? Yeah.
I'm not always strong, though.
It's not out of control, but it is an unnecessary treat I have a lot. We buy about two chocolate bars a week (making it okay in our heads by buying the expensive, 90% cacao, organic stuff) and have them for dessert or a snack. I never really thought about it. I enjoyed it. It wasn't a big deal. Not till last week, when I was really sad and I took a couple squares up into my bedroom and ate it while watching junk TV to calm down. Not a great use of food.
Norma totally got right to the point: why is it there?
And I struggle with making the decision not to have it around anymore (though currently there is not any around, haha). I know logically a woman can live without chocolate and that extra sugar. I'd probably feel a little better and weigh a little less if I didn't eat chocolate. But the illogical part of me is screaming: but you love it! it tastes so good! can't you enjoy anything you eat?! it's just a little treat!!!!!!! ... all sentences that, when written down, indicate to me I really, really shouldn't have it around. Yikes.
So, yep, it's a struggle. Not perfect. Going to keep thinking about this definite weakness of mine. Not going to buy a chocolate bar this week, as a start.
But, for topic two, a little shorter and a lot less sweet: I had a pretty big fall while skiing yesterday that shook my confidence! We went to my favorite mountain again, Gore Mountain in the Adirondacks.
All day, we were skiing with some friends of ours who are awesome skiers. They definitely pushed me out of my comfort zone and made me work real hard all day on technique to ride harder trails. And, boy, did I ever! I rode black diamond trails 90% of the day. I actually skied a DOUBLE black diamond trail, Lies for those of you familiar with Gore (Wikipedia says: These trails are even more difficult than Black Diamond, due to exceptionally steep slopes and other hazards such as narrow trails, exposure to wind, and the presence of obstacles such as steep drop-offs or trees. They are intended only for the most experienced skiers.) Green is easy, blue is intermediate, and black is advanced. And I skied that double black trail TWICE.
I didn't fall on the double black diamond, oddly enough.
Midday, we tried a new black diamond trail, one that is known for being pretty gnarly but my friends skied it the day before and assured me it was groomed and easier than usual to ski.
WRONG. It was super steep, super icy, with lots of exposed rocks and stuff. I was okay till I came upon an icy lip that had hard packed snow and ice for about 50 feet after it. Nothing to grip to. And me, without the experience or confidence to shoot down over that lip. BUT, I knew I had to try, so I took a deep breath and tried my best.
And fell. And fell. And kept falling. It was so steep and slick, there was no stopping me once I fell. I slid about 100 feet down the trail, a little dazed. Someone, a better skier, collected my skis and brought them to me, and then skied on. And then I fell some more. Eventually, Chris, who knew it was going to be a tough section for me, got off his snowboard and literally CAUGHT me, stopping me from sliding down the trail more. I ended up about 150-200 feet from where I initially fell. Next to me, where I stopped, was a man who had also fallen like me and was bleeding from the mouth!!! Scary. As I got myself together, another man fell up on that lip, as well. Scary, scary stuff. We reported that trail as too dangerous to be open. There was just no snow on it!
Anyway, totally shaken up, but I got my skis back on and finished the trail (still had a huge steep section to get down and I didn't want to fall down THAT, too, so I tried and succeeded to ski it).
I was a little more hesitant the rest of the day, but definitely learned some lessons.
I am SUPER sore today, from working so hard and from falling yesterday. I slept for about 11 hours!
Going to go get breakfast ready and wait for the painters to get here :)
Namaste!
The first, chocolate. Norma asked, in my comments, why I had chocolate in the house to use as comfort food. That, if it weren't there, I wouldn't have had the option to turn to it when I was sad/stressed/etc. Totally logical and sane question. It makes total sense.
And my answer doesn't make any logical sense!
Most of the food I keep in my house is not snack-worth, not binge-worthy, not comfort-worthy. To the point that when Chris or I are feeling munchie, we wander around, complaining that there is nothing appealing to eat and end up either waiting to the next meal or making a salad or cooking up a quick chicken sausage or something.
But chocolate?
Once I finished my Whole30 and wasn't strict about the paleo, I totally brought chocolate RIGHT back. I could live without cheese, without peanut butter, without legumes, without a LOT of things. But chocolate, I didn't hesitate for a second in bringing back. And shouldn't that be a huge sign it is definitely something I should not have brought back? Yeah.
I'm not always strong, though.
It's not out of control, but it is an unnecessary treat I have a lot. We buy about two chocolate bars a week (making it okay in our heads by buying the expensive, 90% cacao, organic stuff) and have them for dessert or a snack. I never really thought about it. I enjoyed it. It wasn't a big deal. Not till last week, when I was really sad and I took a couple squares up into my bedroom and ate it while watching junk TV to calm down. Not a great use of food.
Norma totally got right to the point: why is it there?
And I struggle with making the decision not to have it around anymore (though currently there is not any around, haha). I know logically a woman can live without chocolate and that extra sugar. I'd probably feel a little better and weigh a little less if I didn't eat chocolate. But the illogical part of me is screaming: but you love it! it tastes so good! can't you enjoy anything you eat?! it's just a little treat!!!!!!! ... all sentences that, when written down, indicate to me I really, really shouldn't have it around. Yikes.
So, yep, it's a struggle. Not perfect. Going to keep thinking about this definite weakness of mine. Not going to buy a chocolate bar this week, as a start.
But, for topic two, a little shorter and a lot less sweet: I had a pretty big fall while skiing yesterday that shook my confidence! We went to my favorite mountain again, Gore Mountain in the Adirondacks.
All day, we were skiing with some friends of ours who are awesome skiers. They definitely pushed me out of my comfort zone and made me work real hard all day on technique to ride harder trails. And, boy, did I ever! I rode black diamond trails 90% of the day. I actually skied a DOUBLE black diamond trail, Lies for those of you familiar with Gore (Wikipedia says: These trails are even more difficult than Black Diamond, due to exceptionally steep slopes and other hazards such as narrow trails, exposure to wind, and the presence of obstacles such as steep drop-offs or trees. They are intended only for the most experienced skiers.) Green is easy, blue is intermediate, and black is advanced. And I skied that double black trail TWICE.
I didn't fall on the double black diamond, oddly enough.
Midday, we tried a new black diamond trail, one that is known for being pretty gnarly but my friends skied it the day before and assured me it was groomed and easier than usual to ski.
WRONG. It was super steep, super icy, with lots of exposed rocks and stuff. I was okay till I came upon an icy lip that had hard packed snow and ice for about 50 feet after it. Nothing to grip to. And me, without the experience or confidence to shoot down over that lip. BUT, I knew I had to try, so I took a deep breath and tried my best.
And fell. And fell. And kept falling. It was so steep and slick, there was no stopping me once I fell. I slid about 100 feet down the trail, a little dazed. Someone, a better skier, collected my skis and brought them to me, and then skied on. And then I fell some more. Eventually, Chris, who knew it was going to be a tough section for me, got off his snowboard and literally CAUGHT me, stopping me from sliding down the trail more. I ended up about 150-200 feet from where I initially fell. Next to me, where I stopped, was a man who had also fallen like me and was bleeding from the mouth!!! Scary. As I got myself together, another man fell up on that lip, as well. Scary, scary stuff. We reported that trail as too dangerous to be open. There was just no snow on it!
Anyway, totally shaken up, but I got my skis back on and finished the trail (still had a huge steep section to get down and I didn't want to fall down THAT, too, so I tried and succeeded to ski it).
I was a little more hesitant the rest of the day, but definitely learned some lessons.
I am SUPER sore today, from working so hard and from falling yesterday. I slept for about 11 hours!
Going to go get breakfast ready and wait for the painters to get here :)
Namaste!
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Food as comfort
It was a tough night last night.
A big, gross mix of stress, anxiety, Chris having been gone all week, the house being ripped apart, miscommunications, etc, etc.
Didn't turn out well for me or Chris, and I had a pretty sad night.
I couldn't calm down and fall asleep and it was getting pretty late. I just wanted to calm down. I ate two square of one of those big chocolate bars, eventually watched bad TV and fell asleep.
I know two squares of chocolate isn't the worst thing in the world to have consumed. I just think it is stupid that that is what I can turn to for comfort.
Just a little bit of a narrative of how food rules my mind. I don't binge anymore, I don't eat outrageous portions, I don't eat junk food, none of it. And still, to calm down from a hard night, I do go to food. Inanimate food.
This stuff is embedded so deep into our consciousness in this culture. I wonder where the turning point was that the first human was turning to food for comfort... when they had enough of an abundance of really delicious food that it was a better option to eat than to seek out a fellow human for comfort? Was it a looooong time ago, thousands of years ago, or is this completely a construct of this kind of screwed up society that we live in?
Hm.
I really hope I can turn this around and have a lovely weekend and not get stuck in this place.
A big, gross mix of stress, anxiety, Chris having been gone all week, the house being ripped apart, miscommunications, etc, etc.
Didn't turn out well for me or Chris, and I had a pretty sad night.
I couldn't calm down and fall asleep and it was getting pretty late. I just wanted to calm down. I ate two square of one of those big chocolate bars, eventually watched bad TV and fell asleep.
I know two squares of chocolate isn't the worst thing in the world to have consumed. I just think it is stupid that that is what I can turn to for comfort.
Just a little bit of a narrative of how food rules my mind. I don't binge anymore, I don't eat outrageous portions, I don't eat junk food, none of it. And still, to calm down from a hard night, I do go to food. Inanimate food.
This stuff is embedded so deep into our consciousness in this culture. I wonder where the turning point was that the first human was turning to food for comfort... when they had enough of an abundance of really delicious food that it was a better option to eat than to seek out a fellow human for comfort? Was it a looooong time ago, thousands of years ago, or is this completely a construct of this kind of screwed up society that we live in?
Hm.
I really hope I can turn this around and have a lovely weekend and not get stuck in this place.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)