Shaking things up

Workmen are coming to my house today. It's wall paper removal time. Whew. WHEW. I am so excited and nervous. I'm almost trembling. Changing my childhood house is hard. It's looked a certain way for 30 years. It's hard.

But it is time to make it ours. To fill it with light and love and new energy. I just took the before pictures with my nice camera. I will make a post to show you the before and after when it's all done. I think it is going to be amazing (regardless of the work that gets done, the befores are pretty dismal!).

Well, anyway, men are going to be coming into the house. That feels weird, too. I put the dog into daycare so he doesn't bother them while they are working. They will be all up in my kitchen!! I prepped meals so all I have to do is heat them up in the microwave and not bother the guys too much.

It feels strange to have strangers in my house!

Well, I'll get over it. And it's a week of work. And then... NEW HOUSE. New, bright, warm, different house to start new in.

I am thinking this is going to do wonders for my state of mind :)

Other good news: last night a family friend messaged me to offer me tickets to a sold out Trey Anastasio concert that's happening on Saturday for FREE! So... an awesome night out seeing music with all my friends (who bought tickets) for free?!?! I feel blessed :) :) It was just such a nice, random thing that happened that reminded me there is lots of goodness out there in this world. It felt so great to know someone was thinking of me, the music I like, etc. 

Smiling today, despite being a little nervous about the work getting done. 

Namaste! Stay healthy, body and mind, friends.

My partner

There's been an article and discussion circulating on a number of blogs the past day about weight-weight loss-romantic partners and how that all interacts. It's mostly about "mixed weight" couples (which I think is a very weirdly politically correct term... it's not exactly the same as mixed-race, you know? Eh, whatever!). - later in this post I will mention how freaking HORRIBLE the things were that the man said to the woman, ugh.

Well, anyway, I wanted to talk about MY partner and how integral he has been to my health and fitness.

We have both been obese in our pasts, for a significant period of time. We actually met for the first time when we were both heavy at school but it was when we re-met a few years later at work that a friendship blossomed (which obviously turned into a romance in time :D ).

I really, really like that we both lost weight and got fit on our own. It means that it is a priority to BOTH of us. That matters. There is no one person in the relationship to who it matters more. There are only times when either he or I is struggling with it more.

I had my struggle with it a couple of years ago, putting on weight, not exercising, getting generally depressed. He had a hard time knowing what to do for me. We definitely argued. Definitely had some difficult months revolving around it (because a sudden weight gain isn't JUST about health for me... it's usually because of an emotional trouble). What he eventually did was just be a healthy, strong example to me. He kept going to the gym even though I said no, kept doing yoga, kept going on hikes, etc. In my time, I started to join him and got back on track.

Right now, it is his struggle. My dad's death and how it changed our lives and the following holiday season was hard (for both of us, of course). Chris put on a few pounds and was no longer at his lowest weight and didn't feel his best. To me, he looks awesome. He is strong and proportionate and generally well built :) Even at the party we went to last week, a friend of ours mentioned to me how good she thought Chris looked, how fit!

But that doesn't mean he feels his best, of course. And I just want to do for him what he did for me: be a good example. He actually downloaded the app I use on my phone for tracking food (I've been using this for a year and a half and love it still, use it daily).

He definitely excels with exercise. He has been active non-stop for a LOOOOONG time. And I definitely excel with food, nutrition, etc. Especially with the help of a tracker, I don't put on weight unless I pretty purposely give up.

We are both into this and strong in different ways.

Just one of the million reasons why I am marrying him and want him around forever :)

It is so important for both partners to be in it together. I think that's why, in the article, they documented some pretty awful fights and cruel words. Now, as I said, Chris and I have argued about health before - how to exercise, how to eat, etc. It took us some growing pains to learn how to do it best IN the relationship and not just on our own.

BUT...

He has NEVER said anything even close to what the article mentioned (eg. "I guess you are just one of those people who look better with clothes on"). He is my partner, the man who loves me. He has never denigrated my body. No matter what weight I was (and he's been with me through a 25 pound span!) he told me I was beautiful. The worst he has ever said was when I lost weight after the fact and telling me that I look "so much better" hahahaha... I became *that girl* and started asking if he was repulsed by me before, which of course he wasn't. Poor guy.

I think it is disgusting that someone who has promised to love you forever could say cruel things about your body. For one, it doesn't help ANYTHING, only makes the receiver feel more like crap. And for another, that should be the one person in the world who loves and supports and cares about it. It's weird to me that the article has to give helpful suggestions about how to talk to your mate about weight, like making it all about their health and longevity and not about their appearance. To me, this is a no brainer. Of course, Chris and I like looking good for each other and that is super important. But this is for life, our lives, our life together.

Just approach your partner how YOU would want to be treated. If you're being cruel, or someone is being cruel to you, you need to address that, it's not right.

Well, I have a lot to say this morning. Haha :)

Going to go make breakfast: eggs and veggies cooked in the cast iron skillet and then walk the dog while listening to Jillian Michaels' podcast!

Namaste!

My food

I was just reading on Norma's blog a point people bring up a lot in the weight-loss world. That you can't out-exercise a bad diet. (with the caveat that it is still vitally important to exercise for your health).

I feel like I am living proof of that. I've been out of the exercise groove for four months now. I am not completely inactive (a few hikes, some skiing, and daily 2 - 3 mile dog walks) but I am not doing a ton of purposeful cardio or strength. I want to. I will. I am just not right now for a variety of stupid and painful reasons (depressed, stressed, too much to do for the house and my dissertation, etc, blah).

And yet, I can control excess fat on my body with my diet. If I am not training my body to be a strong, muscled machine of efficiency, I at least don't have to punish it by throwing a layer or two of fat on it!

Note: I DID actually get some purposeful exercise yesterday, I used the rowing machine I bought and my shoulders hurt today as proof :)

But despite this lack of exercise, I've been RIGHT on track with eating well. It shows. I'm 126 lbs today. 

So, though I would share what I am eating in a given day. This was yesterday:

Breakfast: 2 eggs cooked in olive oil and 3 strips of lean turkey bacon

Lunch: Gluten-free cranberry bar from my local co-op and So Delicious almond milk yogurt

Dinner: Homemade chili (buffalo meat, tomatoes, peppers, onions, and mushrooms only) with a slice of gluten free bread

Snacks: half a roasted sweet potato and almonds

This all came out to the mid-1700s for calories for the day.

So, moral of the story for me: even if I manage to convince myself I have excuses for not exercising, I have no excuses for not eating right. I always make time to eat, haha, and I can put good things in when I do that. As I get back into exercising (especially strength training which I miss), it will be so much easier if I don't have extra pounds on my to deal with when I do.

....

Chris is gone again for the week. Looks like this will be our winter, spring, summer, etc.... usually, he gets a break from traveling. But a lot of nonsense at his work (which used to be my work) means he is going to be gone, a lot.

Tough. Tough, tough, tough.

I don't know how people do it: army wives, or wives of truckers, etc, etc.

I love him and want him here. Life is precious. Every day he is not here is a day we will never get back. It makes me very, very sad. So sad it is hard to focus on what I SHOULD be doing (writing, prepping for class, fixing the house, working out).

I'm going to try my best to not make these days complete wastes, though. I will try to do what I should be doing. It is worth it, in the end.

January has felt like a wasted month... I've been recovering, for sure. I don't feel so stressed or freaked out as I did in December. But I also haven't gotten a ton accomplished. I feel bad about that.

What if-s, what if-s, what if-s. Eh.

Weight is still stable. Going to go walk the dog, eat an egg-veggie scramble, figure out how to live, go to a meeting for being on unemployment, and then...??

Hope there is light in your life <3

Social anxieties

The weekend was so completely AWESOME and so completely "meh" at the same time. Saturday was so much fun, the going away party for our friend was great, the drive down to the city was no problem, and I didn't want the night to end! However, I did overdo it on drinks and kind of made Chris' ride back to Albany.... not so fun.

Sunday, I was hungover, for sure. Didn't do.... anything, really. Seriously, not a thing. I feel like a slug about it. Also, felt a little sad because a bunch of our friends got together and had an evening hang out and we weren't invited. Usually, we all hang out on Sundays together. Not sure what that was about. Chris said not to worry about it, but I am a huge weirdo who has had a lot of trouble making friends in the past.... so I do get kind of socially anxious about stuff like that.

It was a weird juxtaposition after a Saturday night full of great friends and laughter and nice times. I felt.... lonely on Sunday.

I still feel weird today.

A little down.

I am nervous because usually Chris gets to be local for the winter, so I get a good four months with him home. His boss said that's not happening this year....... an entire year of only seeing him two days a week? It makes me want to break down, freak out, cry hard. I feel strangled by it.

...

I wish life was... simpler.

Finding that happiness in this world that seems so newly scary, dark, difficult and full of negative energy is hard. Too hard.

I'll keep working on it.

In other news, I'm still at 127 lbs. Holding steady.

Trying to hold on.

Namaste out there.

Anticipating a long night

I had hoped to sleep in more since I know the coming night is going to be a loooooong one. But, here I am, awake at 8:30 and knowing I won't be able to sleep for at least 16 hours (unless by some miracle I fall asleep in the car, which has always been impossible for me).

So, tonight is a compromise. Doing what we would have done pre-dog/pre-house but shifting the WAY we do it so the dog is still taken care of.

A friend of ours is moving to Atlanta, won't see him probably until our wedding in September. His going away party is tonight. In NYC, of course.

So, around 5 or 6 tonight, we are driving three hours down to the city, getting to the party around 9, staying for 3-4 hours and then hitting the road to come right back. Ayiyiyi. Not ideal!

We thought about it for a long time. We could board the dog (spending even more money). We could not go (and feel sad/guilty about it). This seemed like the best option! But I know that drive home is going to suck and suck hard.

I rarely nap during the day (I did initially when my dad passed, and I think that was just because my mind was so stressed out, it needed a break) so I will TRY to nap today, but I doubt it will happen.

I have to remember to pack some snacks in the car to mitigate those late night munchies so that we don't stop at a rest stop and eat candy!

Staying gluten free has worked well for me this week. Though, inexplicably, I am breaking out all along my jaw and chin. I.... never get pimples. It's never been a problem for me. It's really regular: about 4 days before my period, I will get a couple pimples from the hormones. That's it. And these pimples are not related to hormones. I am hoping it is not something I am eating!

The next step is to go completely paleo. I know my skin was the best it ever was on paleo. I don't know when I will go back to paleo, though, it was a very time consuming way to eat and I've come to love eating a piece of GF bread. Stupid. We'll see!

Anyway, hope everyone has an awesome weekend, stays active and healthy! Namaste :)

Birthday meal out

It was Chris' birthday yesterday and he wanted very much to go to our local Dinosaur BBQ, as he hadn't been there yet and he is a man who sure does love BBQ.

I ate decently light yesterday knowing we were going out to BBQ, didn't drink beers when everyone came over to our house to hang out beforehand (though I did put a little bit of kahlua in the coffee I was drinking!).

Dinner was pretty decent, as far as trying to eat well: I ate catfish on a bed of vinegar simmer greens, maple whipped sweet potatoes (which I only ate 1/3 of), green beans and mushrooms simmered in a garlic butter. Not light, but not the worst I could have eaten there, and I had room for it in my day. I'm pretty pleased :)

I feel almost 100% this morning, as far as the sickness goes... more like 85%, but still better. I am glad my body was healthy and strong enough to not let this cold take hold! I could feel my body fighting it (the glands swelled for a day as the immune system kicked in and then everything was on an upswing!).

I am resting in bed, writing this this morning, and going to rest for maybe another half an hour, but then it is time for a good long dog walk after a breakfast of eggs with spinach and tomatoes.

Everything else is kind of quiet and normal around here... and I like it. :)

Not over the cliff yet!

I was thinking as I lay sick in bed all day yesterday..

Regardless of my struggles and weight up and downs, I have stayed under 130 lbs for half a year.

This from a girl who had never been under 130 EVER as an adult.

I am proud of myself :)

Weighing in at 128.4 this morning. A little sick, still. Having some hot coffee - trying to get motivated because it is Chris' birthday and I'd like to have a nice clean house waiting for him and maybe a surprise or two :)

I've been completely back on track with eating this week, which has felt great. Being sick used to be an excuse to indulge. Not now.

I am a newer, stronger, healthier version of the old me.

So. Yep. Here I am, "off track" and yet more on track than I have ever been in my 30 years.  I eat WAY better. My bad eating is no where what it used to be. My bad eating is still better than most people I know when they are eating good!

I think the biggest thing for me is to NOT eat processed food. I slip up sometimes at a party. But 99% of my life, I don't eat processed foods or chemicals. My body is so much happier. My mind is so much happier. Eating only whole foods means my foods for the days usually only include meat, veggies, fruits and nuts. I do buy gluten free bread from the farmer's market, too, but they only use whole ingredients, no chemicals.

I hope all these current posts are indicative of a change in my mindset.

A move towards happiness and light.

A shifting of the grieving process, where it is easier to live.

It's been almost a month since I've had those horrible, wracking sobs. I cry now and then, out of the blue, thinking of my dad, but it is bearable. I just miss him, that's all, that's normal.

Life goes on, the world keeps turning.... I'm doing my best.

Namaste, friends. <3

Clutter and word vomit

Painting starts on Monday in the downstairs. I am beyond excited. (The estimate is 2800 and I am expecting to pay 3000 or a little above, which isn't bad!)

I want this house to start to feel like ours, to get some of the history out and start filling it up with new energy!

There is still so much clutter, though!!!

I know that a cluttered room/house leads to a cluttered mind or is reflective of a cluttered mind. I want to be free and light!

There are 4 rooms and a bathroom downstairs, 4 rooms and a bathroom upstairs and a huge basement. One room downstairs is just holding clutter, one bedroom upstairs is just holding all my dad's things I haven't gone through yet, and the basement is holding an INSANE amount of clutter that I am so confused about what to do with.

This house is TOO big for us, Chris and I never dreamed of living in a house this big. We dreamed of getting a small two or three bedroom one floor little house with a huge yard. Instead we got a huge house with a tiny yard. So strange.

I want to clear EVERYTHING out of the house. Like, everything. I like simplicity, minimalism right now. I want my house to be simple, easy to clean.

But, it sucks that it is so emotional.

I am putting off a lot of the throwing away/giving away/selling/etc. It is hard to go through these things... even though I WANT to get rid of them, the act of doing so is hard. So I am putting a lot of it off.

I have time, I know I do. But part of me just wants it all DONE RIGHT NOW, so I can stop thinking about it. But part of me is stopping myself from doing it too fast and sometimes from doing it at all.

All this clutter is just weighing on my physically and emotionally!

A clean, simple house just.... feels better. I feel like I can breathe better when things are orderly and simple.

This is a big step, though, the painting. We will get the downstairs all orderly and put together when it is painted. Get rid of the things we don't want or need downstairs. My dad's room will be a future big step. Getting all the office-y things organized is another big step: I want to get all the papers put into labeled folders and filed away in a decent system where I can find things.

It feels good to write all this down and put it out there. I haaaaate feeling overwhelmed. It is a long process to get this house made into MY house. I need to accept that, for my emotional health, I can't just toss a room full of memories into a dumpster and cart it away.

Time and patience!

:)

Till it all gets sorted out (which I am hoping by the end of the year, this house will be 100% cleaned out and organized!), I am excited to get the downstairs renovated and will be so excited to show the pictures :)

We are taking down wall paper and repainting. Everything is VERY early 80s and smoke stained. We are painting the kitchen a bright, warm, sunshine-y yellow. The living room is going to be a soft sky blue with white trim. The dining room is going to have an earthy color under a white chair-rail with a soft grassy green above it. We want the house to reflect our love of nature. I think having very natural, modern colors will completely change the house and the house's energy.

So.... there you go. Word vomit. My mind is a racing mess. It's not necessarily bad or good. I am just full of... THINGS. It's good to get them out :)

Down a little..

Down a little, weight-wise, that is. Yesterday was a really good day, ate 1400 calories of meat, veggies, coconut milk yogurt and some gluten free bread.

Today is going to be a very similar day!

Not going to do much exercise today because my throat is still sore and my glands are swollen. But the steps/walk/driveway need to be shoveled and the dog needs to be walked, so I will not just sit in bed all day (as I want to).

I am doing everything I can to make sure this cold-like grossness doesn't turn into full blown flu.. I am worried my immune system is depressed right now fighting the cold (hence the swollen glands) and don't want to be exposed to the flu. Going to stay pretty solitary today to lessen my exposure. I really can't get laid up for a long time!

So, yeah. Things are going.... okay. Not great and not bad. And that's a huge improvement, so I'm pleased.

In non-health related news, Chris and I are thinking about going to Japan for our honeymoon. It will be expensive, but I think so worth it. I have been dying to go to Japan since I was an anime-geek teenager (ohhhh if you only knew me in those days, hahaha).

We need to do a lot of research and, I think, find a travel agent or a tour package that fits us.... I don't want to have to stress out a lot on my honeymoon, I'd prefer to relax but still have an adventure! My brother is helping us pay for the honeymoon as our wedding present, so I want to be a little luxurious for once :)

Have a good day, everyone, stay healthy and happy!

129/Cycles

Hanging out at 129... definite upwards trend since December, with some fluctuations.

I use an iPhone app to track my food and there is ALSO a trend of eating 60-65% carbs this month.

I need to get back to the 50% carbs and more proteins/fats. My body responded super well to that. I felt fuller when I was eating more protein. I just plain ate BETTER food when I was more focused on proteins.

My carbs are coming from worse sources. Most of last year, my carbs came from veggies and sweet potatoes. Now: treats. Not great.

I know the problems. I am not blind or ignorant to it.

I see how people get stuck in these bad cycles.

I am intelligent, I have strength, I have been through this all before.

And still: I am gaining weight.

I feel exasperated at myself. I promised myself I would be totally gluten free this week to make sure I take wheat out of my diet. Yesterday was good. Today is good so far. A day at a time, a good decision at a time, not much else I can do.

This cold is still here today, but not worse. Just an itchy/sore throat and general malaise. Still got out to take the dog for a walk this morning, so I feel good about that. More water and chilling out today, though.

Namaste :)