New quote, new sickness

Got some new estimates on the painting that needs to be done in the house today... looks like I can save about 1000 dollars. Not chump change around here, that's for sure!

In other news, I feel like I might be coming down with something. Hoping it's not the flu that is RAMPAGING it's way around Albany right now. So many people are sick and staying sick for weeks. Ick. Chris had the flu, but recovered within the week. I didn't get the flu while he had it.... I am hoping to not get it at all.

Stayed pretty chill today. Talked to painters, walked the dog, drank a lot of fluids. Ate awesome sausage with peppers and sweet potatoes for dinner. The sausage was from the co-op and pasture raised with no antibiotics. The difference I can taste in the meat is crazy... it is so flavorful on its own without doing much to it. It is hard to go back to normal, factory churned out meats after tasting what my co-op sells.

Not much else to report. My moods seems to be stabilizing. I get sad, but its not so debilitating as it was. I just miss my dad. It feels unfair that he is not here to enjoy this world. It hurts and it is not fun, but it is not as hard as it was to deal with as a few weeks ago, even.

The people at Chris' work say I can get on his insurance if we can prove we've shared our lives together for a few years. Got to find a way to get some old bills or something. I'd love to be insured. LOVE it.

Leaving you with a picture of my awesome cat, Walter:

Dippkill!

Had a great, relaxing weekend at a cabin in the Adirondacks. It's at a college-run rustic resort called Dippikill that you can only use if you are a student or alumni from the university. Love it!

I ate a bunch of wheat products.

I am going to go gluten-free this week, 100%, no cheating. The week after, I think I might go back to paleo, depending how I feel this week. Just as a way to control the processed wheat crap I keep being drawn to!

But, I had a lovely weekend with Chris and feel completely rejuvenated. Ready to get back into the grind tomorrow :)

A few pictures from the weekend, to show you how idyllic my weekend was:

Hope everyone had a lovely weekend. I hope my trend towards happiness and calmness remains! I have a bunch of painters coming over at different times tomorrow to get more estimates for the painting.... I would like to pay less than 4000 if possible, ha.

Namaste :)

Left my heart out there!

I skied my FACE off today. I left everything on the mountain, all my energy and all my passion. I didn't hold anything back.

I had new boots which FINALLY gave me the confidence to really, really ski hard. I went into the glades (tree skiing) four times, skied two black diamond runs, and skied 5 hours straight without a break. I went hard and fast and loved every exhausting second of it. I skied faster than I have in the previous three seasons of skiing. ALL ON MY FIRST DAY OF THE SEASON! Yeah!

I came home and immediately fell asleep for an hour :D

We left the dog at home, and he was alone for 9 hours and completely fine. It felt great to be able to trust him. Gives me hope for the future.

Me 'n Chris :)

Tree skiing!

Gorgeous blue sky day

Seriously beautiful, I needed this <3

Happy and excited on our last run!

I feel great and energized and exhausted all at the same time :D

I needed to get out there and use my body and remember I am still young and full of life and this isn't all over now... it's just changed.

I hope I can look at this post when I get down and remember there are good times. Really good times.

Namaste!!

Skiing on the cheap

I got 10 dollar lift tickets to our favorite mountain tomorrow, Gore Mountain. Which is pretty amazing. Skiing is SO expensive, I wish I didn't love it. Also, a friend is driving us up, so we get to save on gas as well. Winning, all around.

There is a thaw coming on Friday, so I am glad we get to go skiing on Thursday!!

I love skiing, it's exhilarating. I love how my skills have developed in the three years I've been skiing. I went from a frightened bunny slope-r to someone who can ski down a double diamond trail (one of the hardest). I feel full of life when I go skiing!!!

So, I am looking forward to tomorrow :)

In other news, ayiyiyi. We need our whole downstairs painted and redone. My dad didn't change a thing in the house in 30 years and it is COVERED in nicotine. It makes me sad whenever I go downstairs. And it doesn't feel like my home.

But, it is an insanely huge job, as well. Wallpaper, windows, nooks and crannies, radiators, etc, etc. Really crazy. So we are looking into having it done instead of me spending the next 3 months trying to do it myself.

4000 dollars.

Ouch. But reasonable for the work that needs to be done. OUCH. ouch.

We do have some estate money from my dad. This is what it's for, right?

Ouch.

Got to think hard on this one.

Time for an egg and veggie lunch, namaste!

Long walks in the melting snow...

Keeping to a promise, I am taking Koda out every morning for an hour long walk. Good for both of us.

I've been waking up and doing the walk before breakfast. I've been enjoying being actually hungry for breakfast. When I work a normal 8-4 or 9-5 shift, I eat breakfast early in the morning just to fuel myself but I am rarely hungry. I prefer this situation!

The walks aren't super pleasant in this part of the world right now... ice covers most of the sidewalks where people haven't shoveled well, snow is melting, it's still too cold to be comfortable, though. REALLY looking forward to spring. Now that snow-sports are kind of off the table, I want spring.

Feels good to be active in the morning, too. Gets me in a good frame of mind.

Eating well continues. Made a "shepherd's pie" last night: ground beefalo topped with peas and carrots and covered in mashed sweet potatoes. Not traditional, but really delicious and nutritious. And totally paleo! We used only olive oil for cooking, almond milk to mash up the sweet potatoes, etc.

And I get to have the left overs for lunch :D :D :D

Keep forgetting to weigh myself in the morning since my schedule is so different. Will try very hard to remember tomorrow morning! I don't think much of anything has changed, though.

Taking my vitamins daily, as well. Pleased that it has been over a month of taking vitamins every day. I definitely think I have established the habit again FINALLY. Haven't really taken vitamins in four years.

I'm a little sore. Last night, I used the rower while watching a show and then used light weights for my arms while I did squats. Just to ease back into exercise. Still can't do certain things, the biceps tendinitis hasn't healed... things like lateral arm raises with my left arm are impossible! I am doing physical therapy exercises recommended by a friend who is a PT, since I don't have insurance and going to the doctor isn't an option till I get on Chris' insurance. I can work around the injury, for now, though.

In other news: finances are CRAP. I am being as frugal as I can. We should have spent way less money over the holidays, for sure. We are paying for it now. I am trying to sell some of the items in the house on craigslist to bring in grocery money and the like..... ugh. I am really hoping to have a good, solid job by this time next year and not worry about living paycheck to paycheck.

Going to try not to let money be another stressor in my life.

Peace, calm, just try my best.

Namaste, friends.

How to make the right decisions..

Several people have commented on my blog since my dad died that I should consider getting rid of the dog I inherited from my dad, because I am under stress and depressed about this sudden turn life has taken.

I just can't make that decision. Even thought I am struggling, even though I have lost freedom and life has gotten exponentially harder. I can't do it.

He's our family. This is his house. I don't feel like I have the right to make him go live somewhere else, to send him into the unknown, because I want to have more freedom and have my life be easier.

If I can't do this for him, now, how will I ever have children???

Sigh.

It is hard for me to make these big decisions. Jobs, money, animals, housing, schooling, etc. I am literally petrified of making the wrong decision. And it has kept me in stasis. I just go along life going with the flow... what happens, happens.... I rarely MAKE these things happen.

I do wish I could exert more agency in these matters.

I don't want to do the wrong thing :(

I don't want to regret my choices. Getting rid of Koda would not be fixable later. I have a sinking feeling I am just chemically depressed right now, making everything seem worse and darker. What if that depression lifts but during it, I have gotten rid of the dog? The dog my dad loved. I can't.

I WANT to be selfish. I want to not live in this house, have these responsibilities, I want to run away and have it all be easy and childlike again.

But damn it, there is that part of me that is screaming NO NO NO this is life, you will regret not living life, you will regret running away from it all.

What is the point of being here? I don't know. Showing love, sharing love, sometimes that seems the only reason. I can't take that love away from my dog. He is my dog now, like it or not. He is part of my family. He is an annoying little brother. I might not always love his affect on my life, but I love him.

....

In other news. I am trying to fight this place I am in. Weight is the same. That's a good sign. I am still healthy, physically, which must mean I am not in TOO bad of a place mentally.

Eating tons of veggies and proteins and taking my vitamins and eating super nutritious food. I am trying to give my mind all the fuel and all the chances I can to heal. Shoving my body full of chemicals would depress me further, physiologically. I know that. I won't do it.

Sorry for being such a drama-filled downer here. I want to be the person I was when I started this blog: excited, full of promise, full of light.

My goal is to get back to that place by March 19th, the day I wrote my first blog post. I am going to work every day between now and then to heal. The actionable things I will do to help me get there:

- continue eating right: clean and whole foods

- get into counseling

- be active with the dog every day (good for him and me physically and for our bonding!)

- be productive with my dissertation and with prepping for my class this summer

These will all make me feel good and healthy and whole.

Namaste.

Admission

I had a lot, lot, lot of fun stopping by the cabin last night. I missed out on skiing and sleeping at the cabin and the whole weekend experience but I am glad I didn't mope about it and got up there to have lots of laughs and fun :)

I went up with a friend and we got there around 3, and we left around midnight, so almost 10 hours of nice times.

Here's the admission: I drank a bottle of wine. It was no accident and I absolutely wanted to, but the way I feel this morning isn't great. Drinking that much doesn't do me any favors.

Ah, well, I will keep working on it: trying to enjoy myself socially without overdoing it!

I just felt so good to be in the Adirondacks, in a rustic cabin with a blazing fire, surrounded by awesome people. There are no regrets but a new day. Chris and I are relaxing at home today, making fresh meals filled with veggies, playing with the dog and getting back to the routine.

My routine is super healthy: I eat great, normal portions, stay active, etc.

It's the break in routine I need to get better at. I need to be able to go to a big social event and nit get lost in overindulgence.

Never claimed to be perfect!

Looking forward to a healthy week with Chris who is finally at home for the week :)

Sitting this one out..

So, Chris and about half of the people I know are skiing right now. On gorgeous snow, wooshing down the mountain in great temperatures, spiking their adrenaline and having a blast.

I'm sitting at home, feeding the animals breakfast, getting ready to run errands. :P

We have a dog, who I can't leave for 10-11 hours a day, and who I can't afford to board all the time (especially on top of the price of a lift ticket!!!). We have responsibilities. It was a nice long run, that freedom, that extended childhood. Damn, I miss it. It compounds my depressed state, for sure.

Everyone is going to a cabin to party after the mountain. I am making a compromise to at least see my friends: I am going to catch a ride up in the middle of the day to the cabin, say hi to everyone, sit and chat and probably have some wine, and then come back home with Chris.

It's not skiing, but at least I will get to feel social. We go to this winter extravaganza every year, get in two or three days of skiing and party all night as well. It feels.... sad to miss out this year.

My weight is still down, just by a few bits of a pound, but I like that, still. I am on the right track, hovering around 126 now. I won't ruin that by overdoing it on wine tonight!!

Off I go, taking care of what needs to be taken care of... -_-

Emotional/Catching up on sleep

I was pretty emotional yesterday, when I wrote that last post. I so want things to be okay, I feel like I can FORCE them to be okay.

And, as I have detailed in past posts, when things have gotten out of control in the past, so has my body. So I feel like if I can maintain my weight and my health... it's a sign that things are okay.

Things will be okay. I know that logically. I will get SOME things done in my life, some things accomplished. I (hopefully) won't end up broke and having to sell the home. The dog will (and is!) get better behaved.

But, yeah, emotional. Mostly mindless babble.

It looks like I am catching up on sleep that I missed out on in the past three months. I've slept 11 hours each of the past two nights (yikes!). That's a lot. But, wow, do I feel rested when I wake up in the morning. Next week, I will have to start setting an alarm to make sure I wake up after about 9 hours of sleep so that I don't lose almost half of each day right off the bat.

It was so cold here yesterday, I only managed a 20 minute walk with the dog all day.... I was shivering and almost in pain from the cold! Yuck. Today is much better, so the little guy will get more exercise today.

I used to love the winter (it meant weekly ski trips with Chris!)... but now that we lack money and lack freedom (the dog, urg).... skiing isn't really an option much anymore. So, I kind of hate the winter this year. It's pretty awful. I want spring, so I don't have to bundle up in 20 layers just to go on a walk.

Losing the weight, not buying into comfort

My weight is down today, lost some of the bloat from the holidays by sticking to meat and veggies since New Years Eve. It's such a simple equation.

I finally did some stuff to the house today.. Took down old decorations, organized stuff for an eventual yard sale. Next step is tackling the FIFTEEN tupperwares of Christmas decorations, blehhhhh. This stuff is too emotional. But everyone keeps telling me that's just life. I think I had things pretty easy up till now. I'm repaying karma for all those nice times.

So, losing the physical weight if depression and working in losing the emotional weight. That last one will be harder, but I'm chipping away at it.

Reading blogs is pretty intense this time of year... A lot of people ate admitting their yearly gains and taking different paths with dealing with it.

I'm grateful I'm starting this year lighter than how I started it last year. My goal is to be a FEW lbs lighter this time next year... I'm around 125-127 right now. 120-122 would be great... It's not a tough goal, but it will require work. When I take a leisurely attitude towards health and fitness, my weight creeps up to 130.

And I won't buy into that bullshit that my body is "comfortable" at 130. No. It's just easier to be that weight because I can eat more food and be less active... That's only laziness.

Ate eggs, veggies, turkey bacon, ground chicken, more veggies and almonds today. I will round the night off with sweet potato soup. Simple, simple, simple.

The simplicity of the equation really has become apparent to me in 2012. There is no reason for obese people to gain ten or more lbs... Comfort shouldn't be a goal. Life is not comfortable... It is messy and crazy and tough.

I know I won't be comfortable this year: unemployed, a house to completely do over, a crazy dog to manage, a wedding to plan........ But if this isn't about being comfortable, I am going to make it about doing it right.

No change!

I was gone for three and a half days for New Years, in New York City, and I maintained my weight :)

I feel pretty good about that. I am still weighing in at 128, which is 8 pounds less than I was this time last year. However, this year I did hit a low of 121, which I loved and felt great at. Grief and depression derailed me for a time.... I am still struggling, but I will not be gaining any more weight! I will get back to 121 at some point in the next few months. There is no doubt about that.

I have some intense stressors in my life right now: I am unemployed and my teaching job in June depends on if enough students enroll in it. If they don't, and it's canceled.... then I am completely without income for the year. I cannot go back to my old job because it is a travel-based job and I can no longer travel every week because of the dog I inherited.

I have a huge house to take care of, and I don't really know how. I am learning as I go along. It's a responsibility I wasn't quite ready for.

Chris is still traveling, so I am alone here :(

I am waiting for Chris to see if I can get on his health insurance as a domestic partner before we get married... I desperately need some help, to go to therapy... I am sad and hopeless for WAY too much of the time. It has to change. I need to start thinking life is really awesome again.

I have to prep for this class that might not even happen......

I have to finish my dissertation if I ever hope to have a job......

Sigh. Bleh. Vomit.

But, despite all that... I am soldiering on. I AM taking care of the house, I AM figuring out how to get the bills paid, I AM taking care of the dog, I AM getting back on track with school and I AM eating right and being healthy.

I am doing all these things because the only other choice is to give up. If I give up, then there really is no hope that things will turn around for me.

This is 2013.... the hardest start to a year I have ever, ever had.