No change!

I was gone for three and a half days for New Years, in New York City, and I maintained my weight :)

I feel pretty good about that. I am still weighing in at 128, which is 8 pounds less than I was this time last year. However, this year I did hit a low of 121, which I loved and felt great at. Grief and depression derailed me for a time.... I am still struggling, but I will not be gaining any more weight! I will get back to 121 at some point in the next few months. There is no doubt about that.

I have some intense stressors in my life right now: I am unemployed and my teaching job in June depends on if enough students enroll in it. If they don't, and it's canceled.... then I am completely without income for the year. I cannot go back to my old job because it is a travel-based job and I can no longer travel every week because of the dog I inherited.

I have a huge house to take care of, and I don't really know how. I am learning as I go along. It's a responsibility I wasn't quite ready for.

Chris is still traveling, so I am alone here :(

I am waiting for Chris to see if I can get on his health insurance as a domestic partner before we get married... I desperately need some help, to go to therapy... I am sad and hopeless for WAY too much of the time. It has to change. I need to start thinking life is really awesome again.

I have to prep for this class that might not even happen......

I have to finish my dissertation if I ever hope to have a job......

Sigh. Bleh. Vomit.

But, despite all that... I am soldiering on. I AM taking care of the house, I AM figuring out how to get the bills paid, I AM taking care of the dog, I AM getting back on track with school and I AM eating right and being healthy.

I am doing all these things because the only other choice is to give up. If I give up, then there really is no hope that things will turn around for me.

This is 2013.... the hardest start to a year I have ever, ever had.

Up all night

Quite a different scene down here in NYC after the quiet of Albany! We are staying with friends in Brooklyn and going into Manhattan in the evenings.

Fast, bright, intense!

The concert started at midnight last night and ended at 4AM! I slept till 10:30, which isn't great... Could have used more sleep.

Danced for four hours, had two drinks at the venue. Ate well all day, though!

Today we are having a potluck before Phish... I am going to be super mindful about it. I am going to wear my tight dress so that I have to be very aware of my body when I eat.

Felt good last night, though too tired... Not a kid anymore! It was worth it to get out, be with friends and dance though.

Hope everyone is taking care of their minds and bodies this holiday season! I caught up on some blogs, so I know it's half and half! Wishing you all well though :)

Prepping for the new year

I am down about a pound from my food and alcohol overdose over the Christmas holiday. Good. Downward trend. Back in the 120s (high 120s, though).

Going to keep it going. Having fresh venison (hunted by a friend of ours), roasted sweet potatoes and sauteed brussels sprouts tonight. Nothing wrong there. :)

The New Year is coming. It is always a fun time of year for us. We love to see music with our friends on this holiday. And often our favorite bands play three to five night runs during this week. So we are going to NYC tomorrow, seeing the Disco Biscuits. Then we will see Phish at MSG on Sunday with a late, late show by my FAVORITE band, Brother's Past in Brooklyn that night. On Monday, New Year's Eve, back to the Disco Biscuits for the big party!

We are prepped for the weekend: have food and healthy snacks so we don't feel tempted to buy fries or pizza in the city when we are hungry. Going into the weekend with a few days of clean eating under my belt. Also going into it with the mindset that I want to be healthy and hot :) I don't want to feel bloated and overweight when I kiss my guy at midnight.

The small things keep me motivated!

The dog is going to be boarded with his favorite vet from Saturday to Wednesday... so we actually get a day at home, New Year's Day, with no dog. Crazy!! I am sure I will be sleeping and recovering that day, though.

I am sure I will post from my iPhone during the weekend. Blogging keeps me honest. As long as I know ONE person is reading this blog, I feel compelled to be honest.... and that keeps me honest! I still slip up with my plans and goals, but I have a long term focus here. Little slips aren't going to ruin me.

Yep. Feeling generally exhausted and sometimes down... BUT I am looking forward to a fun weekend. I think I will not have the time to feel sorry for myself. I look forward to lots of laughs :)

Not going to stop..

Not going to stop posting or stop trying! Nope. Christmas was hard. Ate/drank too much. Like I said, I am up to 130 (bleh). But I have been back on track this past day or so... eating normal, eating 95% clean and mostly paleo.

We are heading down to NYC for New Year's. Going to try and make some good food (like chili or such) to bring with me so I don't end up eating WHATEVER.

I want to start the New Year, on New Year's Eve, feeling sexy and light and healthy. That means no crazy indulgences this weekend!

I am at work right now, it is a snowy mess outside, and I want to just curl up with the dog for a nap.

Got 7 hours to go before anything of the sort can happen :)

Anyway, just wanted to check in, let everyone know I am still plugging along, stumbles and all.

Dealing...

So it is this day. Christmas.

Going to see my family today, but other than that.... this day has lost its importance to me. I am not a Christian. There are no longer any traditions pushing me to cherish the day. No kids to excite about it. So, yeah.

As for my last post.... alcohol. Yep. Pretty sure that has contributed to the fact that I am five pounds heavier than I was a week ago. 5. Bleh.

Today, that ends.

I am not going to end the year in the 130s.

I am not going to have a drink today. I am not going to overeat today.

It ends, it ends, it ends. I won't let the holidays turn me into an overweight, crying mess. This day has no power over me.

Alcohol

Christmas Eve. Not doing so well with the not drinking alcohol thing.

I really think a little less of myself for relying on the numbing effect of alcohol.... but wow, can't seem to give it up.

I am not overeating at the holiday festivities at all. But I sure am consuming a lot of wine I don't need (or shouldn't need!).

It's been a tough week emotionally, and I've been surrounding myself with friends and the inevitable alcohol that comes with social gatherings. And I have been partaking a lot. And I feel vaguely addictive about it... I am drinking it because it helps me forget why I'm sad, because it helps me to stay in the moment and laugh with my friends.

Hm.

Going to my cousin's tonight for some family time.

Going to my uncle's tomorrow.

Tomorrow, Christmas, I am going to eat a sweet bread my dad had made and froze before he died. I am going to go to his and my mother's grave and put flowers down. I am going to have a Christmas completely bereft of all the traditions I am used to. And I am going to cry. And I am going to attempt not to numb myself with wine, because it's important to feel that sadness. I am sad because I love them and want them here with me now. That's not a feeling I want to bury.

Enjoy your families, hug them close this holiday!

Hoping the cycle starts new and fresh today...

So, obviously, the world didn't end. Being an archaeologist/anthropologist and a generally educated woman, I didn't expect it to.

Here's is what I am hoping for though: that the solstice yesterday that also marked the end of a Mayan cycle of time WAS an end. An end of a cycle. A start of something new. Something fresh.

This year has been crazy. And hard. And the past few months for me and LOTS of people I know have been especially difficult. And dark.

There have been deaths and losses. Bad job situations. Tragedies. Weird things happening. Accidents.

And they have been increasing in frequency.

And there has been a general malaise or sadness hanging around.

Even I have been hopeless at times.

But, this ending of a cycle, this solstice (which often signifies the start of a new season or a change).... I am hoping it brings fresh energy, fresh moods, and new beginnings for me and the people I love. And the world at large.

I woke up happy. I had a really good day yesterday. A really fun work holiday party where everyone was relaxed and lots of the work tension of the year seemed to dissipate. Then we went to a "It Might Be The End Of Your World, But It Ain't Mayan" party where I wore a slinky little dress, did not overeat (but did have several drinks) and laughed and chatted with lots of people that I love. A very good night.

I wake up happy and hopeful.

It's been hard going. But I have been holding on (even if sometimes I have been holding on to fraying threads with a trembling hand) and waiting for life to turn around. For good things to start outweighing the bad. To smile more than I cry. It has been three months to the day that I found my dad and my life changed forever. I am still grieving, I still miss him. But I am hoping my grief starts to lighten.

Today is a little bigger for me than New Years Day, I have more dreams for what is coming and more determination to make the coming days good ones.

Do good and healthy and loving things for yourself and others as the holidays continue!

There's so much energy in us....

And I believe it.

"We' re so close to it, so very close to it.
We still have energy in us."

- The Arrival: There's So Much Energy In us

The title is a lyric from a Cloud Cult song. If ever you need to FEEL, feel hope, feel love, feel sorrow, whatever, this is a good band to get that across.

We have SO MUCH in ourselves. We are capable of love and health and passion in our lives. I know it is in me. I've done it. I'm doing it. I'm trying.

One scale read me at 124 today, the other at 128. Truthfully, I would be happy with either, or somewhere in the middle. Was active the last three days in the field and with the dog. Ate clean 90% of the time (I had a mint brownie yesterday, no regrets, but less brownies and more broccoli would be ideal).

With the holidays are coming an impending sense of dread. I miss my dad. I fucking miss my dad so much.

The last three days have seen some pretty awful, down on the floor, painful crying fits.

I want my dad here. He loved Christmas. I was going to help him put up the tree and we were going to get together on Christmas morning and I was going to help him cook so he could relax more and just enjoy.

None of that is going to happen.

There is no Christmas tree.

I really, really hate this Christmas without my dad. He would have loved it.

.....

Now I am crying again. Okay. Damn it.

So, another Cloud Cult song, called The Lessons- The Exploding People:

Building up a belly full of bumble bees.
Pushing down the pain like it's a quarantine.
Baby, sing in choir 'til your tongue falls out,
cuz if you hold it all in it'll all fall out.
And one by one, the people, they explode.

The past aint ever gonna re-come.
So do what you do, cuz what's done is done.
Beat out the pain with a kick drum.
Can't escape from yourself unless you don't run.
And one by one, the people, they explode.

You are your own poison.
You are your own doctor.
You are your own saviour.
You are your own cure.

One by one the people they explode.

You never see the present, cuz you're always looking back.
Or counting down the seconds to your heart attack.
Bottle it up, and the bottle goes crack.
Do what you do, cuz you can't come back.
And one by one, the people, they explode.

.........

And I don't want to explode. I am letting it out. I am crying. I am hurting. I can't hold it in. I am grateful to have a sounding board like this to let it out. I don't always feel free to show people in my life the pain on my face...

So, these are my days, this is my life. I am trying.

I am reading all of your blogs. Forgive me for not commenting too much, I can rarely get my blog reader to work and when I do, I am often tired at the end of the day. I love you all. Be safe.

My days, check in

Posting so that I don't get out of the habit! It really keeps me focused, so I need to stick with it!

Things are.... drudgery right now. Wake up > take care of dog > work > dog > clean house/ run errand > dog > sleep > repeat.

Boring, exhausting, can't wait for a break.

Eating was not good on Sunday, went over calories and had pizza >.< I enjoyed it, but I'm aware it was not a good decision for my health.

Yesterday was gluten free and clean. I made turkey burgers and asparagus for dinner and that's all I ate aside from a glass of almond milk at night. Which is good, night is a dangerous time for me... I get tired and pleasure seeking.

Trying to stay healthy and not get the cold that is making the rounds (Chris was laid up with it all weekend!).

So, yep. My boring, semi-healthy life.

Keep on keeping on, folks. I'm trying to!

Ruminations

So, along with the sadness and disbelief over the shooting in CT yesterday, our family is also dealing with another tragedy (one that is not my place to talk about.)

I wonder when this darkness will lift?

But, still, as ever... Life goes on. I am with my grandma and cousins today and will see friends at a gathering tonight.

What is the answer? Why do these things happen? Why is there so much grief, so much sadness?

I am guessing... It's because we are humans. This is a terrible part of being in this group.

The response to these tragedies is to love more. Chris said he is taking these events as a sign to renew his dedication to be a force of goodness, compassion and live. To be a brightness when we are surrounded by dark.

Another blogger, Jenn, said that the last words her children will hear from her every time they part will be I Love You. It's a good life strategy to let all your loved ones hear that all the time!!

Some bloggers have expressed disgust with talking about weight/health/fitness in the wake of this tragedy. I think these things are still life, still a part of it all. I will still make these things a priority... But being with those I live and showing them I love them is still number one priority.

Take care out there. Love your friends and family. Love yourself. Cherish these moments.

And don't use tragedy or sadness as an excuse to treat your body poorly.

Namaste.

Time for a new scale/Dressing for under-indulgence

Our kind of old looking scale has been pretty reliable.

But this week, it has weighed me in at 125.2 every single day this week. Not a single fluctuation. I don't believe the little guy.

I knew it was time for a new scale soon, anyway. I don't want to drop a bundle on one, but I want one that weighs true! Anyone REALLY love theirs?

Even though I don't believe the scale, I do think my weight has been pretty steady this week. I've been eating clean and reasonable amounts. Super active with the dog and with field work this week, too. Everything is status quo, so there is no reason for my weight to go up or down.

In other news, I LOVED the cathedral window dress and how it fit so much (and it made me feel so super sexy) that I bought another dress from the same company (Black Milk):



                        



I am pretty excited! I am a little more nervous about this one since it is WHITE and won't be as forgiving as the darker material of the other dress. But, oh well. You only live once, I suppose :)

I plan to wear one of these dresses to an End of the World party next week because if I am wearing a form fitting, thin material, hide nothing dress.... I will be VERY unlikely to cram junk food into my mouth. For one, people would be able to WATCH my stomach expanding as food filled it (ew haha) and if I am feeling super sexy, why would I want to ruin that? I don't want to hide anything... not my body and not the amount of food I am eating.

I have been super vulenerable and open lately, might as well keep it going :)

Okay, off to work.... I brought sweet potatoes and my chili (which is just meat and veggies) for food today. No way I can eat poorly today because I also didn't bring any money (no temptations!).

Namaste, friends. Hope your day is good!