Christmas used to be a huge deal.
To my family, my dad... to me.
I'm not.... really doing much for Christmas this year. No decorations. Very few gifts to be given. No big meal on Christmas day. No traditions.
I don't miss the endless baked goods my dad would provide for the holidays... I just miss him.
I *am* sending out Christmas cards for the first time every... 65 of them, haha! I am taking over my dad's love of sending Christmas cards. It meant a lot to him. And I had all the addresses already compiled because I sent out my Save the Dates for the wedding.
I will see my family (uncles, cousins and the like) on Christmas eve.
I will be with Chris on Christmas.
Sigh.
There is a sadness here, this year.
I do have a full social calendar leading up to Christmas: a party this Friday, two parties on Saturday, work party next Friday, an "end of the world" party after that on Friday, and then I am leaving to go to NYC for four days for the New Years.
And it all feels a little empty.
Well, I am looking at this as an opportunity to make new traditions. Traditions that aren't super commercial, money-focused and food-focused. Next year, my holidays are going to be about sharing time with my new husband, creating a family, and living a full life. Chris and I love the winter solstice... we are thinking of creating some traditions around that.
It's different this year. This year hurts. But I am lucky to not be self-imploding right now. I am alive and that's all I need to be this year. Next year, we can do a little bit more :)
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Making adjustments
Things, on the outside, appear stable.
My life, my weight, the dog, the house, money..... it all SEEMS to be holding steady, going well.
It is kind of strange, since I seem all a mess inside. But I will take what I can get.
Chris took me out to lunch at work today (he is traveling and I have been daily commuting out to his site so I see him for a few hours a day during the week lately, which is nice. It is not as nice as having him home in the evenings, but I will take what I can get). I ate a little more than usual for lunch, but I am paring down my dinner to make up for it.
TV night is tonight. I am going because I want to see people I love and that make me laugh. I am going to try not to drink or overeat because of the social-ness, though.
Got in a ton of activity today, four miles of walks and three hours of carting a 30 pound bucked up and down a hill. It was fine. I am fine. Still holding out in pretty good shape despite the lack of workouts. Just moving, moving, moving every day.... if you don't use it, you lose it, kind of deal :)
I am seeing a lot of crazy weight fluctuations in the blogs I read. Lots of gains. Some huge losses after those gains. Some people just plain gaining. The holidays are CRAZY. So I am hoping to start the New Year at 125, just holding steady. I would have loved to be at 120.... but I realize that that is going to take a LOT of work to get and maintain. It is work, I am quite simply, not willing to put in right now. But I AM willing to put in the effort to stay at my current weight.... I didn't gain over the last holiday season, I refuse to do it this year.
Namaste.
My life, my weight, the dog, the house, money..... it all SEEMS to be holding steady, going well.
It is kind of strange, since I seem all a mess inside. But I will take what I can get.
Chris took me out to lunch at work today (he is traveling and I have been daily commuting out to his site so I see him for a few hours a day during the week lately, which is nice. It is not as nice as having him home in the evenings, but I will take what I can get). I ate a little more than usual for lunch, but I am paring down my dinner to make up for it.
TV night is tonight. I am going because I want to see people I love and that make me laugh. I am going to try not to drink or overeat because of the social-ness, though.
Got in a ton of activity today, four miles of walks and three hours of carting a 30 pound bucked up and down a hill. It was fine. I am fine. Still holding out in pretty good shape despite the lack of workouts. Just moving, moving, moving every day.... if you don't use it, you lose it, kind of deal :)
I am seeing a lot of crazy weight fluctuations in the blogs I read. Lots of gains. Some huge losses after those gains. Some people just plain gaining. The holidays are CRAZY. So I am hoping to start the New Year at 125, just holding steady. I would have loved to be at 120.... but I realize that that is going to take a LOT of work to get and maintain. It is work, I am quite simply, not willing to put in right now. But I AM willing to put in the effort to stay at my current weight.... I didn't gain over the last holiday season, I refuse to do it this year.
Namaste.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Food affecting mood (and homemade chili)
At least with my weight, if not my emotions!!
Holding in at 125 pounds, with varying .2 or .4 or .8 behind that number.
That is a good sign, at least. My body is not going all crazy, despite how I may feel inside, haha.
Eating very well at home. It's the going to a friend's house that is a problem. In goes the wine, the cheese, the sweets. Gah. The holidays are very tempting. Especially while I am feeling so tired and so sad. Chris and I are both trying to be as mindful as possible.
There is an after work party this Friday. It will be a big challenge for me... lot of snacks and FOUR people are bringing their homemade beer, one of which is a wit (my favorite). I am debating about the rules to set for myself this night and how to prepare during the day. I definitely will try at least one bottle of the wit. I think I will eat lightly but to satisfaction during the day.... and then I will know my calorie limit for a snack at the party.
I have time to think about this and what is really important to me. My eating has been very on track the past couple of days, very clean and very fuel-centered. It helps me mentally when I am not eating processed junk and sugars.
I think eating poorly just adds to my depression and heightens my sadness. I don't just think that... I know that.
I need to act accordingly.
I did something good for myself on Sunday: I made a batch of chili to last me the week, so I can relax and not be cooking every night and ALSO have an easy lunch. I don't care if I eat the chili twice a day all week... it is filling, full of protein and nutrients.
I cooked up chicken and beef in a cast iron skillet... then browned mushrooms, onions and peppers in the juices left behind by the meat. Then I simmered it all in a pot with diced tomatoes and spices.
SUPER simple. No added oils or fats. And the natural fats from the meat and the spices I used (chili powder, garlic powder, black pepper, a little cumin, paprika) make it really delicious.
Doing this ahead of time ensures my success for the week. I have prepared, tasty meals made up of ONLY meat and veggies every day. Trying to set myself up for success rather than failure here.
Well... the dog is in daycare till 7 PM, so I am going to use this time wisely: I am going to take a nap. ^.^
Peace, friends.
Holding in at 125 pounds, with varying .2 or .4 or .8 behind that number.
That is a good sign, at least. My body is not going all crazy, despite how I may feel inside, haha.
Eating very well at home. It's the going to a friend's house that is a problem. In goes the wine, the cheese, the sweets. Gah. The holidays are very tempting. Especially while I am feeling so tired and so sad. Chris and I are both trying to be as mindful as possible.
There is an after work party this Friday. It will be a big challenge for me... lot of snacks and FOUR people are bringing their homemade beer, one of which is a wit (my favorite). I am debating about the rules to set for myself this night and how to prepare during the day. I definitely will try at least one bottle of the wit. I think I will eat lightly but to satisfaction during the day.... and then I will know my calorie limit for a snack at the party.
I have time to think about this and what is really important to me. My eating has been very on track the past couple of days, very clean and very fuel-centered. It helps me mentally when I am not eating processed junk and sugars.
I think eating poorly just adds to my depression and heightens my sadness. I don't just think that... I know that.
I need to act accordingly.
I did something good for myself on Sunday: I made a batch of chili to last me the week, so I can relax and not be cooking every night and ALSO have an easy lunch. I don't care if I eat the chili twice a day all week... it is filling, full of protein and nutrients.
I cooked up chicken and beef in a cast iron skillet... then browned mushrooms, onions and peppers in the juices left behind by the meat. Then I simmered it all in a pot with diced tomatoes and spices.
SUPER simple. No added oils or fats. And the natural fats from the meat and the spices I used (chili powder, garlic powder, black pepper, a little cumin, paprika) make it really delicious.
Doing this ahead of time ensures my success for the week. I have prepared, tasty meals made up of ONLY meat and veggies every day. Trying to set myself up for success rather than failure here.
Well... the dog is in daycare till 7 PM, so I am going to use this time wisely: I am going to take a nap. ^.^
Peace, friends.
Monday, December 10, 2012
Not wanting to give in
I have had thoughts about not updating this blog.
I really don't want to be accountable anymore!
I want to sleep all day, eat whatever tastes good, stop cleaning the house and not worry about the dog anymore.
I don't think I will do any of these things, but I have to admit - it is something a part of me wants.
I got home today from another terrible and draining day at work and immediately fell asleep. I am exhausted all the time.
So stressed about the job situation.... I lose my job in three weeks and other than a four week teaching job, I have no prospects. This stresses me out intensely. Job stress on top of grief and moving and dealing with a dog that requires more energy than I would have on my best day....
Makes me wish I was the kind of person who could just give up.
Ugh.
Going to try not to go silent and fall into these destructive wants.
I really don't want to be accountable anymore!
I want to sleep all day, eat whatever tastes good, stop cleaning the house and not worry about the dog anymore.
I don't think I will do any of these things, but I have to admit - it is something a part of me wants.
I got home today from another terrible and draining day at work and immediately fell asleep. I am exhausted all the time.
So stressed about the job situation.... I lose my job in three weeks and other than a four week teaching job, I have no prospects. This stresses me out intensely. Job stress on top of grief and moving and dealing with a dog that requires more energy than I would have on my best day....
Makes me wish I was the kind of person who could just give up.
Ugh.
Going to try not to go silent and fall into these destructive wants.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Fancy dinner, curtains, recovery
Had a really nice weekend that involved a ton of downtime and recovery.
We had a date night with some of our best friends at a French restaurant called La Serre. I had a six ounce filet mignon with mushroom gravy and green beans. I had wine but no dessert! It was nice to be a normal adult eating a fine meal with good conversation.
We got new curtains up in our bedroom, taking down the old dusty, discolored ones. It is amazing what changing your environment can do for your mental health!
Coming soon: ripping down wallpaper and repainting the entire downstairs. I really need this house to look totally different so I can stop being soooo reminded of my past here.
I need newness, freshness.
I need to establish a new life, one that centers around mental and physical health... it is hard to do that in a house that reminds me of my dad's sickness.
So, I am still tired, still dreading the next three weeks of work, but I know I will make it through.
We had a date night with some of our best friends at a French restaurant called La Serre. I had a six ounce filet mignon with mushroom gravy and green beans. I had wine but no dessert! It was nice to be a normal adult eating a fine meal with good conversation.
We got new curtains up in our bedroom, taking down the old dusty, discolored ones. It is amazing what changing your environment can do for your mental health!
Coming soon: ripping down wallpaper and repainting the entire downstairs. I really need this house to look totally different so I can stop being soooo reminded of my past here.
I need newness, freshness.
I need to establish a new life, one that centers around mental and physical health... it is hard to do that in a house that reminds me of my dad's sickness.
So, I am still tired, still dreading the next three weeks of work, but I know I will make it through.
Friday, December 7, 2012
Grief was the reason I got fat in the first place....
All of you out there, who read or comment or offer support in any shape, you make a difference!
Even that one short moment where I am reading a comment, I smile. And that's enough. Knowing that someone took the time out of their day to offer me a bit of warmth... it's amazing.
So thank you!
I still think about weight, am concerned about health, and mourn the loss of my fitness.
Yet my posts are very much about mental health right now. Which, I suppose, is important. People don't get fat just because they like food. There is always something else going on.
I started to gain weight when I was 10.
My mom died when I was 10.
Big surprise, right?
I was devastated, though I didn't go through a normal grieving process... because I was 10, my family was in upheaval, and I turned to food to find some solace. I never knew what it was like to be healthy until I was in my mid-20s. I lost a whole childhood to grief.
I am grieving now.
But I am ACTUALLY grieving. Feeling all the emotions. Literally knocked to my knees somedays by how insanely sad I am.
And fitness has gone on the back burner.
I am hoping the difference this time: I won't eat for solace. I won't get fat because I cannot deal with this grief.
I am dealing with this grief. I am feeling every horrible minute of it. I do realize it is slowly losing its intensity. Someday, it won't be so hard.
I find it kind of... a strange coincidence that I got fat when my mom died, and the year I start writing a weight loss blog, my dad dies.
It is going to be different this time.
I will honor my parents by being a success. By being strong and loving. By trying really, really hard. I want them to be proud of me.
Even that one short moment where I am reading a comment, I smile. And that's enough. Knowing that someone took the time out of their day to offer me a bit of warmth... it's amazing.
So thank you!
I still think about weight, am concerned about health, and mourn the loss of my fitness.
Yet my posts are very much about mental health right now. Which, I suppose, is important. People don't get fat just because they like food. There is always something else going on.
I started to gain weight when I was 10.
My mom died when I was 10.
Big surprise, right?
I was devastated, though I didn't go through a normal grieving process... because I was 10, my family was in upheaval, and I turned to food to find some solace. I never knew what it was like to be healthy until I was in my mid-20s. I lost a whole childhood to grief.
I am grieving now.
But I am ACTUALLY grieving. Feeling all the emotions. Literally knocked to my knees somedays by how insanely sad I am.
And fitness has gone on the back burner.
I am hoping the difference this time: I won't eat for solace. I won't get fat because I cannot deal with this grief.
I am dealing with this grief. I am feeling every horrible minute of it. I do realize it is slowly losing its intensity. Someday, it won't be so hard.
I find it kind of... a strange coincidence that I got fat when my mom died, and the year I start writing a weight loss blog, my dad dies.
It is going to be different this time.
I will honor my parents by being a success. By being strong and loving. By trying really, really hard. I want them to be proud of me.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
I don't know how to post...
Without being a downer.
Jeez.
I am a dark, gloomy, sad cloud. Not really good for ANYONE to see/read.
Trying to do the right things still: see friends, sleep enough, eat right. Pleasure is hard to find, though.
I deleted three posts I tried to write: they were SO dark and without much hope.
I do have hope though, else I wouldn't be going through these motions. I'm attempting to do things like I would if I felt fine.
TRYING to keep the eating under control. Weight is slowly creeping up because I'm going consistently over calories every day. Yesterday was my first day in two weeks of eating a normal amount of food.
Going to try and make today the second day.
Jeez.
I am a dark, gloomy, sad cloud. Not really good for ANYONE to see/read.
Trying to do the right things still: see friends, sleep enough, eat right. Pleasure is hard to find, though.
I deleted three posts I tried to write: they were SO dark and without much hope.
I do have hope though, else I wouldn't be going through these motions. I'm attempting to do things like I would if I felt fine.
TRYING to keep the eating under control. Weight is slowly creeping up because I'm going consistently over calories every day. Yesterday was my first day in two weeks of eating a normal amount of food.
Going to try and make today the second day.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Ending sleep deprivation/Fig Newtons
I am aware... too painfully aware!... that lack of sleep is contributing to my up and down moods. I know I cannot always control what happens TO me, but I do have control over my reactions. When I am low on sleep, I tend to react poorly... there is more crying, more panicking, etc.
Tonight, I am going to sleep at 9:30.... in about fifteen minutes. Don't have to wake up till 6:45. I haven't gotten more than 5.5 hours of sleep straight in a long time. That's not good for my noggin. I really thrive on 8 hours of sleep (but 7 will suffice for a long time).
So, catching up and hoping that helps.
Feeling tired leads to overeating. I have definitely overeaten in the past couple of days. Due to the sleep thing, and also the boredom cause (I have a 3.5 hour round trip commute when I work in the field.... it gets monotonous!).
Going to nip this behavior in the bud, right quick!
Also, per the fig newtons: my dad had a box of the cookies in the house. Somehow, they never got donated with the other crap food we got rid of. They sat forgotten for two months. But I found them this week. And have eaten 6 of them..... I have to get them OUT of the house before that number exponentially increases.
I really never, never, never keep junk food in the house. It is a stupid temptation. Too easy to cheat on myself.
If I am hungry, I have no option but to bake a sweet potato, saute up some brussels sprouts or drink some almond milk. Nothing damaging.
Having only healthy options in the house also means that I eat when I am HUNGRY, not when I am bored/tired/sad. Bored/tired/sad eating makes me crave carbs, junk and sugar.... not veggies and lean protein. So if there is no junk in the house.... it is easier not to eat poorly even when my mood is low.
Alright, signing off and hoping for a good night of sleep.
Namaste!
Tonight, I am going to sleep at 9:30.... in about fifteen minutes. Don't have to wake up till 6:45. I haven't gotten more than 5.5 hours of sleep straight in a long time. That's not good for my noggin. I really thrive on 8 hours of sleep (but 7 will suffice for a long time).
So, catching up and hoping that helps.
Feeling tired leads to overeating. I have definitely overeaten in the past couple of days. Due to the sleep thing, and also the boredom cause (I have a 3.5 hour round trip commute when I work in the field.... it gets monotonous!).
Going to nip this behavior in the bud, right quick!
Also, per the fig newtons: my dad had a box of the cookies in the house. Somehow, they never got donated with the other crap food we got rid of. They sat forgotten for two months. But I found them this week. And have eaten 6 of them..... I have to get them OUT of the house before that number exponentially increases.
I really never, never, never keep junk food in the house. It is a stupid temptation. Too easy to cheat on myself.
If I am hungry, I have no option but to bake a sweet potato, saute up some brussels sprouts or drink some almond milk. Nothing damaging.
Having only healthy options in the house also means that I eat when I am HUNGRY, not when I am bored/tired/sad. Bored/tired/sad eating makes me crave carbs, junk and sugar.... not veggies and lean protein. So if there is no junk in the house.... it is easier not to eat poorly even when my mood is low.
Alright, signing off and hoping for a good night of sleep.
Namaste!
Monday, December 3, 2012
And the roller coaster turns to the sky..
Yes. Very up and down. As I said in comments of an earlier post, the ups and downs are killing me.
Trying to be grateful there are any ups at all!
I took my stable, contented life for granted. Got to work pretty hard for the same joys right now!
Well... Pretty happy this evening, even if I am without Chris. And that's because I got that Black Milk dress in the mail I told you about last week or so...
It looks amazing!!! And it's a small! And the proof is in the pudding that I am taking care of my body and eating right (how come I don't usually feel this good about my body and it takes a sexy dress to make me see it???).
Going to keep doing what I'm doing and trying even though it is so hard...
I am honest about my struggles in the hopes that someone else who is struggling finds some connection/strength/hope from my story... To know that even though life feels like its beating you down, it is still SO worth it to try.
Trying to be grateful there are any ups at all!
I took my stable, contented life for granted. Got to work pretty hard for the same joys right now!
Well... Pretty happy this evening, even if I am without Chris. And that's because I got that Black Milk dress in the mail I told you about last week or so...
It looks amazing!!! And it's a small! And the proof is in the pudding that I am taking care of my body and eating right (how come I don't usually feel this good about my body and it takes a sexy dress to make me see it???).
Going to keep doing what I'm doing and trying even though it is so hard...
I am honest about my struggles in the hopes that someone else who is struggling finds some connection/strength/hope from my story... To know that even though life feels like its beating you down, it is still SO worth it to try.
Food poisoning!
Wow, not a relaxing weekend.
The crowning moment was when I woke up sobbing and sick due to food poisoning early Sunday morning.
And here I am, trying desperately to feel like there is no cosmic plan to make this time in my life suck donkey balls. It's getting harder!!
Tough weekend with Chris. I have no energy by the time he comes home on Friday night. By then, it's been five days of being alone, being depressed, being overwhelmed, taking care of the animals, working 8 hours a day, cleaning house and trying to cook/eat right. I'm at the end of my rope and when he comes home, I just want to hand the reins over and crawl under a blanket and REST.
Really struggling.
Eating was not good this weekend. Didn't weigh myself mostly because this morning was crazy and sad and partly because I don't want to know.
My Saturday night indulgence was thrown up during the food poisoning episode though :( I haven't been that sick in a limb time... My stomach seized up completely and my back ached insanely.. Terrible. My stomach was sour all Sunday because of it.
I'm in the field now for work till Wednesday... It's a nice break from the lab, but I feel all discombobulated, my schedule is thrown all out of whack. Koda has to get left alone for a longer period than normal... Hope he's alright!
So there's life. Still hard. Being mentally healthy us a bigger struggle than physically right now. Going to keep trying, giving up isn't an option, even though I've never been so sad and exhausted.
The crowning moment was when I woke up sobbing and sick due to food poisoning early Sunday morning.
And here I am, trying desperately to feel like there is no cosmic plan to make this time in my life suck donkey balls. It's getting harder!!
Tough weekend with Chris. I have no energy by the time he comes home on Friday night. By then, it's been five days of being alone, being depressed, being overwhelmed, taking care of the animals, working 8 hours a day, cleaning house and trying to cook/eat right. I'm at the end of my rope and when he comes home, I just want to hand the reins over and crawl under a blanket and REST.
Really struggling.
Eating was not good this weekend. Didn't weigh myself mostly because this morning was crazy and sad and partly because I don't want to know.
My Saturday night indulgence was thrown up during the food poisoning episode though :( I haven't been that sick in a limb time... My stomach seized up completely and my back ached insanely.. Terrible. My stomach was sour all Sunday because of it.
I'm in the field now for work till Wednesday... It's a nice break from the lab, but I feel all discombobulated, my schedule is thrown all out of whack. Koda has to get left alone for a longer period than normal... Hope he's alright!
So there's life. Still hard. Being mentally healthy us a bigger struggle than physically right now. Going to keep trying, giving up isn't an option, even though I've never been so sad and exhausted.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Upswing!
Ok. So that last post was on a low day. The lowest day I've had since.... well, since I found my dad in September. I hadn't really reached a super low, depressed, gray, unhappy, crying-every-moment day since then. I've tried to stay positive and upbeat. But, it hit me like a wall.
I recovered. Chris came home. My brother said his Christmas present to me would be to help fix my car. I went and hung out with my friends. I rested.
Life goes on!
Chris and I took our Bed Bath and Beyond gift card to the store today. Bought new, beautiful, modern, fresh curtains. Didn't have to spend a dime of our own money! Used a ton of coupons too :)
Then, we went and picked out Chris and Chris' parents Christmas gift to me: ski boots. They are soft, fit perfect, and will give me some amazing performance upgrades on the mountain.
Printed out a new family picture with us, Chris' parents and his sister and her wife. Printed out the picture of us 46ing on Panther Mountain. Framed them, put them on the mantle. Looks great!!
Life is proceeding. There are light moments. I have a GOOD life.
It was just hard to see that yesterday. My mind went somewhere very dark and couldn't get out. I am lucky to have the people I do in my life, to let me cry, let me despair, and lift me up out of it.
I am doing better :)
There are no promises there won't be another hard day on the horizon. But I promise to always remember that there is an end to the sadness. It is temporary. I will recover.
Have a peaceful day :)
I recovered. Chris came home. My brother said his Christmas present to me would be to help fix my car. I went and hung out with my friends. I rested.
Life goes on!
Chris and I took our Bed Bath and Beyond gift card to the store today. Bought new, beautiful, modern, fresh curtains. Didn't have to spend a dime of our own money! Used a ton of coupons too :)
Then, we went and picked out Chris and Chris' parents Christmas gift to me: ski boots. They are soft, fit perfect, and will give me some amazing performance upgrades on the mountain.
Printed out a new family picture with us, Chris' parents and his sister and her wife. Printed out the picture of us 46ing on Panther Mountain. Framed them, put them on the mantle. Looks great!!
Life is proceeding. There are light moments. I have a GOOD life.
It was just hard to see that yesterday. My mind went somewhere very dark and couldn't get out. I am lucky to have the people I do in my life, to let me cry, let me despair, and lift me up out of it.
I am doing better :)
There are no promises there won't be another hard day on the horizon. But I promise to always remember that there is an end to the sadness. It is temporary. I will recover.
Have a peaceful day :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)